The Pitches
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Rushed Roulette "Backgound to support Pez and Pallas
8 total reviews
Comment from phill doran
Hello Bill
I am enjoying these. Fast - and with great dialogue (although it takes a bit of phonetic jiggling for a non-America to decipher some of the exchanges). The rating is for the story to date - I may not comment on each section, but I am reading you!
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2020
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Hello Bill
I am enjoying these. Fast - and with great dialogue (although it takes a bit of phonetic jiggling for a non-America to decipher some of the exchanges). The rating is for the story to date - I may not comment on each section, but I am reading you!
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 08-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2020
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Thanks, Phil, for giving this a look. Bill
Comment from nomi338
Games with deadly weapons are and should always be verboten. There are many things one can play with but guns are not OK. Never have been and never should be. Guns have one purpose, to injure or to kill.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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Games with deadly weapons are and should always be verboten. There are many things one can play with but guns are not OK. Never have been and never should be. Guns have one purpose, to injure or to kill.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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Guns don?t kill people; bullets kill people.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Oh, my goodness, Bill -- that's just awful.... Now, I guess Pez and his Dad have got to run away for good and not just for a while... Bummer of a chapter. :/ :/ Yvette
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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Oh, my goodness, Bill -- that's just awful.... Now, I guess Pez and his Dad have got to run away for good and not just for a while... Bummer of a chapter. :/ :/ Yvette
Comment Written 07-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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I wanted this out of order with the last chapter, so Peril has been to prison since this and planning to break free at his sentencing hearing.
Comment from Mistydawn
What a horrid thing for a child to see, accident or not. It's well-written, interesting start to finish. The part starting at a bullet exploded out of the barrel is comprehensible but the wording seems a bit off.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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What a horrid thing for a child to see, accident or not. It's well-written, interesting start to finish. The part starting at a bullet exploded out of the barrel is comprehensible but the wording seems a bit off.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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Thank you for your observation, Mistydawn. Do you think the wording makes it unclear what happened? Too many words to state what just occurred? Does the idea that Pom Pon was killed not come through clearly?
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It just seems a bit awkward out of order. Maybe write it something like this? A bullet ejected from the barrel; burrowing through Pom Pon's cheek. The deadly object chisels through her skull; shattering the sizable window behind her.
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I see your point here. You feel I was less dramatic with the course of the burrowing and chiseling bullet.
Comment from Fonda Little
That was pretty brutal! I was shocked when the father and son started playing Russian Roulette! God bless you In Jesus's Almighty, All Powerful, Divine, Holy, Majestic Name, The Name Above All Names I pray, amen, Amen, AMEN!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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That was pretty brutal! I was shocked when the father and son started playing Russian Roulette! God bless you In Jesus's Almighty, All Powerful, Divine, Holy, Majestic Name, The Name Above All Names I pray, amen, Amen, AMEN!
Comment Written 07-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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Thanks for reviewing, Fonda. Have a blessed day. Bill
Comment from Suzanna Ray
wow! Dear Writer, you had my attention from the first word. You should be writing for the movies. This script could start a James Cagney Movie revival.
Your use of dialogue added so much to this work.
Did you find it difficult to write? I am happy to be awarding you six stars for that feature alone.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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wow! Dear Writer, you had my attention from the first word. You should be writing for the movies. This script could start a James Cagney Movie revival.
Your use of dialogue added so much to this work.
Did you find it difficult to write? I am happy to be awarding you six stars for that feature alone.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2020
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You are very kind, Suzanna. I have to read and reread the dialogue aloud until I can get the spelling right for you to hear the Bronx accent from a guy in Detroit. Thank you for the great review. Bill
Comment from susand3022
Now when Peril goes to the Big House, and we all know he's going to end up there eventually... all he's going to see is Pom Pon's face with the bullet blasted through it and that look staring at him. Well, I guess sometimes men are just stupid. LOL, I love these stories! :)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2020
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Now when Peril goes to the Big House, and we all know he's going to end up there eventually... all he's going to see is Pom Pon's face with the bullet blasted through it and that look staring at him. Well, I guess sometimes men are just stupid. LOL, I love these stories! :)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2020
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What peril feels is anybody's guess, but Pez feels deeply and this is the event that solidifies his humorless persona.
Comment from Carl DeVere
Creepy low life stuff but oddly entertaining. I loved the Damon Runyon dialogue. I find myself actually trying to pronounce the script. The contrasts from occupation to mashed-potatoes-home-life was excellent. It held my interest and forced me to actually try to understand and relate to the dialogue.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2020
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Creepy low life stuff but oddly entertaining. I loved the Damon Runyon dialogue. I find myself actually trying to pronounce the script. The contrasts from occupation to mashed-potatoes-home-life was excellent. It held my interest and forced me to actually try to understand and relate to the dialogue.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2020
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Pez has a dark story line, where I prefer lighter stuff. I am building his background to explain his sour world view. The character is currently forty, in other scripts, with a brother half his age.
