Just pick up the pieces
guy helps ex to move on3 total reviews
Comment from RShipp
A good idea for a story.
"...she popped out her head out of the red-shiny March..." I don't think you need the first 'out'?
"Susan, what are you doing here." She asked. I think this should be ... "Susan, what are you doing here?" She asked.
Each time a new person speaks ... a new paragraph is usually begun.
If you fixed the paragraphs, this work would be much easier a read.
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A good idea for a story.
"...she popped out her head out of the red-shiny March..." I don't think you need the first 'out'?
"Susan, what are you doing here." She asked. I think this should be ... "Susan, what are you doing here?" She asked.
Each time a new person speaks ... a new paragraph is usually begun.
If you fixed the paragraphs, this work would be much easier a read.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2019
Comment from Alex Rosel
This is a good story, and it contains many snippets that'll likely pull on readers' emotions. For example, the abusive behavior and the suffering from cancer are both excellent literary emotional triggers {thumbs up}.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
She had for long managed to retain her beauty and no sign of wrinkle seem not to attempt to appear on her skin. -- If this was mine, I think I'd try and avoid this double negative. Narratives usually read better without them.
She smiled as she brought the banana skin close to his face as she thrilled in her imaginative mental script. I stood up, straightened myself -- The narrative alternates between third-person and first-person. It's best if it's consistent.
Good luck with your entry in the voting booth {smiles}.
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This is a good story, and it contains many snippets that'll likely pull on readers' emotions. For example, the abusive behavior and the suffering from cancer are both excellent literary emotional triggers {thumbs up}.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
She had for long managed to retain her beauty and no sign of wrinkle seem not to attempt to appear on her skin. -- If this was mine, I think I'd try and avoid this double negative. Narratives usually read better without them.
She smiled as she brought the banana skin close to his face as she thrilled in her imaginative mental script. I stood up, straightened myself -- The narrative alternates between third-person and first-person. It's best if it's consistent.
Good luck with your entry in the voting booth {smiles}.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2019
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an interesting piece, There are several errors of style that make it rather difficult to understand. Particularly this concerns the speech tags. So based on the form, I don't think this has reached its potential best yet. I hope the author will have time for a last polish before the contest deadline arrives.
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This is an interesting piece, There are several errors of style that make it rather difficult to understand. Particularly this concerns the speech tags. So based on the form, I don't think this has reached its potential best yet. I hope the author will have time for a last polish before the contest deadline arrives.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2019
