Who Ordered These?
Inspired by R. Zimmerman19 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Ha, cute story, author. Personally I believe Bentley ordered them and then arranged for a cover story from your daughter.
By the sounds of it you might need to purchase some Paw Sense software to stop little doggie from purchasing his favourite goodies online.
Best of luck to you in the booth with this most humourous and totally believable story. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2019
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Ha, cute story, author. Personally I believe Bentley ordered them and then arranged for a cover story from your daughter.
By the sounds of it you might need to purchase some Paw Sense software to stop little doggie from purchasing his favourite goodies online.
Best of luck to you in the booth with this most humourous and totally believable story. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 24-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2019
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lol paw sense great idea. Thanks for your review and stars.
Comment from RShipp
What a funny story. I really enjoyed it.
When you proofread again you will notice that 'lbs' needs a '.' .... and the "It was Bentley, he crept ..." sentence probably needs an additional look.
Best of luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2019
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What a funny story. I really enjoyed it.
When you proofread again you will notice that 'lbs' needs a '.' .... and the "It was Bentley, he crept ..." sentence probably needs an additional look.
Best of luck with the contest.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your helpful review.
Comment from JudyE
This is a great story and you've told it very well. I was smiling all the way.
However, there are a lot of small glitches so I'm only giving four stars. I'm happy to give five once some adjustments have been made.
So:
This is absurd! Another package from Walmart. The fourth one this week. At first, I thought maybe it was a surprise Christmas present from my husband. I knew I didn't order anything from Walmart. My husband quite often bought things from Walmart but I only used Amazon. - Walmart is used three times in this paragraph. I might have said 'My husband quite often bought things from there' and so get rid of one.
By the time the fourth package arrived, I was even more perplexed - there is an extra space before 'By'
I opened the first one it contained 50 lbs of Bentley's favorite dog food - period after 'one'
The second one a bag of tennis balls - comma needed after 'one'
The third a diamond-studded dog color and lease - comma after 'third'. Spelling - leash
There was no one else that would buy stuff for our dog, it was too expensive for one thing and had never happened before.- period after 'dog'
That afternoon the doorbell rang again- comma after 'afternoon'
Guess what? a huge bag of dog treats.I looked over at Bentley - capital for 'A huge bag'. Space needed after 'treats'
Now our dog Bentley is supposed to be a cockapoo - commas either side of 'Bentley'
I have to get to the bottom of this - I would have stayed in the past tense - 'I had to get ...'
That night pretending to go to bed- comma after 'night'
I tipped toed downstairs - spelling - tiptoed
It was Bentley, he crept over to the computer desk looking around to see if the coast was clear, being intent on his purpose, he never spotted me crouched behind the chair- periods after 'Bentley' and 'clear'
Hopping up to the computer chair, he put my glasses on with his nose - did you mean 'Hopping up on the ...'?
Then he turned the computer on with his paws when the screen came on he pressed the Walmart icon and waited. - period after 'paws'
Creeping closer I could see the order read - comma after 'closer'
I was speechless, trying to scream at Bentley, no words came out, suddenly I opened my eyes and shook my head I had been dreaming, It seemed so real! - there are really five sentences here. There needs to be periods after 'Bentley', 'out', 'head' and 'dreaming'.
It was Walmart with a box of dog biscuits, Bentley barked and ran around in circles - period after 'biscuits'
This is really absurd, we both looked at each other - period after 'absurd'
Every once and awhile - should be 'every once in a while'
That night the phone rang, it was our daughter, asking if we received the dog biscuits, she sent Bentley as her dog couldn't eat them. I laughed and laughed until tears ran down my face, my daughter couldn't understand the joke. - periods needed after 'rang', 'them' and 'face'
She said we were going senile and maybe we should get a checkup, of course, she knew a therapist she could recommend - period after 'checkup'
We looked at each other and then at Bentley laughing hysterically while hanging up the phone - comma after 'Bentley'
Good luck in the contest.
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2019
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This is a great story and you've told it very well. I was smiling all the way.
However, there are a lot of small glitches so I'm only giving four stars. I'm happy to give five once some adjustments have been made.
So:
This is absurd! Another package from Walmart. The fourth one this week. At first, I thought maybe it was a surprise Christmas present from my husband. I knew I didn't order anything from Walmart. My husband quite often bought things from Walmart but I only used Amazon. - Walmart is used three times in this paragraph. I might have said 'My husband quite often bought things from there' and so get rid of one.
By the time the fourth package arrived, I was even more perplexed - there is an extra space before 'By'
I opened the first one it contained 50 lbs of Bentley's favorite dog food - period after 'one'
The second one a bag of tennis balls - comma needed after 'one'
The third a diamond-studded dog color and lease - comma after 'third'. Spelling - leash
There was no one else that would buy stuff for our dog, it was too expensive for one thing and had never happened before.- period after 'dog'
That afternoon the doorbell rang again- comma after 'afternoon'
Guess what? a huge bag of dog treats.I looked over at Bentley - capital for 'A huge bag'. Space needed after 'treats'
Now our dog Bentley is supposed to be a cockapoo - commas either side of 'Bentley'
I have to get to the bottom of this - I would have stayed in the past tense - 'I had to get ...'
That night pretending to go to bed- comma after 'night'
I tipped toed downstairs - spelling - tiptoed
It was Bentley, he crept over to the computer desk looking around to see if the coast was clear, being intent on his purpose, he never spotted me crouched behind the chair- periods after 'Bentley' and 'clear'
Hopping up to the computer chair, he put my glasses on with his nose - did you mean 'Hopping up on the ...'?
Then he turned the computer on with his paws when the screen came on he pressed the Walmart icon and waited. - period after 'paws'
Creeping closer I could see the order read - comma after 'closer'
I was speechless, trying to scream at Bentley, no words came out, suddenly I opened my eyes and shook my head I had been dreaming, It seemed so real! - there are really five sentences here. There needs to be periods after 'Bentley', 'out', 'head' and 'dreaming'.
It was Walmart with a box of dog biscuits, Bentley barked and ran around in circles - period after 'biscuits'
This is really absurd, we both looked at each other - period after 'absurd'
Every once and awhile - should be 'every once in a while'
That night the phone rang, it was our daughter, asking if we received the dog biscuits, she sent Bentley as her dog couldn't eat them. I laughed and laughed until tears ran down my face, my daughter couldn't understand the joke. - periods needed after 'rang', 'them' and 'face'
She said we were going senile and maybe we should get a checkup, of course, she knew a therapist she could recommend - period after 'checkup'
We looked at each other and then at Bentley laughing hysterically while hanging up the phone - comma after 'Bentley'
Good luck in the contest.
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 24-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2019
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Thanks, Judy any help with grammar is always appreciated. I hope, I made all the changes right. Writing, I love, grammar, I need an editor most times.
Comment from w.j.debi
Coincidence? How funny that the main character was dreaming of the packages arriving and the dog being able to do clandestine orders on the computer. Maybe someone has a sixth sense.
This is a great story. You should do well in the contest with your imaginative entry.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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Coincidence? How funny that the main character was dreaming of the packages arriving and the dog being able to do clandestine orders on the computer. Maybe someone has a sixth sense.
This is a great story. You should do well in the contest with your imaginative entry.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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thank you
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good and funny story for the "This is Absurd" contest.
Your story is clear and well told.
Well done and I wish you lots of luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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I think this is a good and funny story for the "This is Absurd" contest.
Your story is clear and well told.
Well done and I wish you lots of luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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thank you
Comment from LeannaP
I thought this made for a fine entry for the contest.
Good luck!
You followed the prompt guidelines.
Your characters came to life in this work.
Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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I thought this made for a fine entry for the contest.
Good luck!
You followed the prompt guidelines.
Your characters came to life in this work.
Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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Thank you
Comment from tfawcus
Love the twist this one takes. You lead us all the way up the garden path, Bently at your heel, and have us almost believing in this amazing talking dog as well. Much enjoyed and cleverly written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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Love the twist this one takes. You lead us all the way up the garden path, Bently at your heel, and have us almost believing in this amazing talking dog as well. Much enjoyed and cleverly written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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Thank you very much, I appreciate your comments and stars.
Comment from zanya
A tall tale perhaps but one that certainly will raise a few chuckles for the reader- I was beginning to believe it actually happened and considering how we seem to be 'humanising ' our canines - who knows ?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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A tall tale perhaps but one that certainly will raise a few chuckles for the reader- I was beginning to believe it actually happened and considering how we seem to be 'humanising ' our canines - who knows ?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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lol thanks for reviewing ^_^
Comment from Mistydawn
THe, he, he, he. This is just too funny. It's well-written, very interesting great use of your imagination. I love how your characters let their imagination get the best of them.The dog barking out jingle bells, too funny. Great job, good luck with your contest.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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THe, he, he, he. This is just too funny. It's well-written, very interesting great use of your imagination. I love how your characters let their imagination get the best of them.The dog barking out jingle bells, too funny. Great job, good luck with your contest.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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Thank you!
