Celtic Roots
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Seana'thair"Autobiography of an oldest son lost in a family
9 total reviews
Comment from eva garcia-mayers
I SO enjoyed reading this. It was so detailed and realistic, I could see all the different images your described with such vivid detail. You do such a wonderful job in setting the background history to understand the situation your family was in, and begin to see what a massive change going to the US entailed for your family. I also really enjoyed being able to understand the background of the Irishmen fighting in WWI and what they found themselves faced with one they were back home.
ty and I REALLY hope to see more!
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2019
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I SO enjoyed reading this. It was so detailed and realistic, I could see all the different images your described with such vivid detail. You do such a wonderful job in setting the background history to understand the situation your family was in, and begin to see what a massive change going to the US entailed for your family. I also really enjoyed being able to understand the background of the Irishmen fighting in WWI and what they found themselves faced with one they were back home.
ty and I REALLY hope to see more!
Comment Written 25-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2019
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Eva, thank you your words do encourage me onward. I am humbled by your six-star review
Comment from JudyE
This kept my interest from start to finish and I really enjoyed reading your story. I hope you don't mind but I did take note of quite a few small glitches, but these are easily fixed. Please ignore them if you'd rather.
So, the 16th Irish Division of the British Expeditionary Force moved into the battle on December 18, 1915. The 16th Irish Division landed in the northern French port of Le Harve - close gap between '1915.' and 'The'. Spelling - le Havre.
While in the trenches, the Irish soldiers read German placards "Irishmen; Uproar in Ireland; English guns are firing at your wives and children back home. - speech marks needed after 'home'
Like many Irishman, with a sturdy back and historically dependable work ethic, went to work for the Northern Pacific Railway Company - I would have said 'he went to work'
His job, working the yards, at the Hillyard roundhouse and surrounding enclosures, protecting railroad property was where I would first learn about life in America. - comma after 'property'
It was a blustery day on March 22, just four days before my seventh year, following a 15-day transatlantic and nearly transcontinental trip when we arrived in Spokane. - comma after 'trip'
Mam, who seemed blank in spirit, departed from the train platform upon seeing her father fell into his arms and began sobbing - comma after 'fell'
The first thing I considered as I look at this tall, rather slim man - should be 'looked at'
I also saw that he had what I thought the enormous hands I had ever seen - did you mean 'the most enormous hands'?
"Boy gather what suitcases you can and follow me." - comma after 'boy'
I might have rearranged the following:
'My first thought was that he didn't find being around a bunch of children was anything that he had the first inkling about what to do with us.' to maybe 'My first thought was that he didn't have the first inkling about what to do with a bunch of children.'
When we arrived at his home, I was astonished in awe - I might have said 'awe-struck'
the house was huge, two floors high, and a massive front porch - maybe 'with a massive front porch'
Upon parking, the car grandfather said- delete comma after 'parking', insert comma after 'car'
Upon parking, the car grandfather said, "Leave the bags in the car" and be quiet going up the steps to the second floor. - I would have written this either as '"Leave the bags in the car" and "be quiet going up the steps to the second floor"' or '"Leave the bags in the car and be quiet going up the steps to the second floor".
Beulah was a small woman in stature - I would have said either '.. was small in stature' or '..was a small woman'
She went on to say, "we have made arrangements for you to meet with the Parish Priest at St. Patrick's". The church is going to get you set up with your assistance. - delete speech marks after 'Patrick's' and insert speech marks after 'assistance'
I've given four stars but would be happy to give five after some editing has been done. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
With best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2019
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This kept my interest from start to finish and I really enjoyed reading your story. I hope you don't mind but I did take note of quite a few small glitches, but these are easily fixed. Please ignore them if you'd rather.
So, the 16th Irish Division of the British Expeditionary Force moved into the battle on December 18, 1915. The 16th Irish Division landed in the northern French port of Le Harve - close gap between '1915.' and 'The'. Spelling - le Havre.
While in the trenches, the Irish soldiers read German placards "Irishmen; Uproar in Ireland; English guns are firing at your wives and children back home. - speech marks needed after 'home'
Like many Irishman, with a sturdy back and historically dependable work ethic, went to work for the Northern Pacific Railway Company - I would have said 'he went to work'
His job, working the yards, at the Hillyard roundhouse and surrounding enclosures, protecting railroad property was where I would first learn about life in America. - comma after 'property'
It was a blustery day on March 22, just four days before my seventh year, following a 15-day transatlantic and nearly transcontinental trip when we arrived in Spokane. - comma after 'trip'
Mam, who seemed blank in spirit, departed from the train platform upon seeing her father fell into his arms and began sobbing - comma after 'fell'
The first thing I considered as I look at this tall, rather slim man - should be 'looked at'
I also saw that he had what I thought the enormous hands I had ever seen - did you mean 'the most enormous hands'?
"Boy gather what suitcases you can and follow me." - comma after 'boy'
I might have rearranged the following:
'My first thought was that he didn't find being around a bunch of children was anything that he had the first inkling about what to do with us.' to maybe 'My first thought was that he didn't have the first inkling about what to do with a bunch of children.'
When we arrived at his home, I was astonished in awe - I might have said 'awe-struck'
the house was huge, two floors high, and a massive front porch - maybe 'with a massive front porch'
Upon parking, the car grandfather said- delete comma after 'parking', insert comma after 'car'
Upon parking, the car grandfather said, "Leave the bags in the car" and be quiet going up the steps to the second floor. - I would have written this either as '"Leave the bags in the car" and "be quiet going up the steps to the second floor"' or '"Leave the bags in the car and be quiet going up the steps to the second floor".
Beulah was a small woman in stature - I would have said either '.. was small in stature' or '..was a small woman'
She went on to say, "we have made arrangements for you to meet with the Parish Priest at St. Patrick's". The church is going to get you set up with your assistance. - delete speech marks after 'Patrick's' and insert speech marks after 'assistance'
I've given four stars but would be happy to give five after some editing has been done. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
With best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 23-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2019
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Judy good day! I am very grateful for your noted edits. These, among other suggestions have been corrected on the copy. I am honestly, very, very grateful for the time and effort you provided to help improve this chapter.
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I'm pleased your found the edits helpful. I've updated my rating. Have a great day.
Comment from Lordinajamjar
I love this unfolding story JLR. It has waited a long time to be told. I look forward to reading more. I am an Irishman born, but raised in England, and am very interested in this period of Irish history. It impacted many lives in different ways during that time when "a terrible beauty is born".
All the best
John
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2019
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I love this unfolding story JLR. It has waited a long time to be told. I look forward to reading more. I am an Irishman born, but raised in England, and am very interested in this period of Irish history. It impacted many lives in different ways during that time when "a terrible beauty is born".
All the best
John
Comment Written 23-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2019
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John, thank you very much for your introduction, review and comments. Our histories are splattered with the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the beautiful and the ugly. It felt need to try and capture all of this for my children and grandchildren. I welcome each and every suggestion. You, then will understand when I say, "I may have left Ireland as a lad, but Ireland never left me."
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Very moving story! You've written it from a child's perspective, but with an adult's insight, and you really have my attention. I also have European ancestors and I love stories like yours -- although clearly, there is none exactly like it, and that's the beauty of sharing it.
You have some grammatical errors and while I couldn't take the time for all of them, I wanted to help you out a little and tackle a handful:
In the second paragraph, you need to capitalize "Mam" and their is no need for a comma after "father."
In Paragraph 6, I believe the name of that French port is spelled "Le Havre." In that same paragraph, I think the words, "So help me, God," should probably be set off in quotes, and it should be clarified that it was your grandfather's hope (not the King's, as obvious as that may seem) that by serving, his Ireland would maintain independence.
I think you need a closing quotation mark at the end of the paragraph that begins, "To this day."
In the paragraph that begins with "Sinn Fein," the last sentence is confusing and you might want to rewrite it.
In the paragraph that begins, "He landed in a small railroad town," "many Irishman" should be "many Irishmen," unless you want to say, "many an Irishman."
Paragraph that begins "It was a blustery day" about the 10th line down, I think one or both of the two changes I've suggested would make the sentence more grammatical and less run-on:
...Mam, who seemed blank in spirit, departed from the train platform [and] upon seeing her father[,] fell into his arms and began sobbing.
Same paragraph, a little further down, my suggested edit is in brackets:
... I also saw that he had what I thought [were] the enormous hands...
In the paragraph that begins, "When we arrived at his home," in the third sentence of that paragraph, the comma should be after the word "car" instead of the word "parking."
I think you can write "anytime" or the more old-school "any time," but I don't think it's normally hyphenated.
In your second-to-last paragraph, last sentence, I am not clear on what you mean by "my siblings torn into two families." I was under the impression that there were four of you and that you all traveled with your Mam - except that you did mention as part of the italicized Background at the beginning, that half the children moved to America.
I haven't read your first chapter yet, so maybe my question will be answered (about your other siblings) when I have a chance to do that.
I love the way you intersperse historical details in with your own family drama. You have an amazing story to tell!
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2019
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Very moving story! You've written it from a child's perspective, but with an adult's insight, and you really have my attention. I also have European ancestors and I love stories like yours -- although clearly, there is none exactly like it, and that's the beauty of sharing it.
You have some grammatical errors and while I couldn't take the time for all of them, I wanted to help you out a little and tackle a handful:
In the second paragraph, you need to capitalize "Mam" and their is no need for a comma after "father."
In Paragraph 6, I believe the name of that French port is spelled "Le Havre." In that same paragraph, I think the words, "So help me, God," should probably be set off in quotes, and it should be clarified that it was your grandfather's hope (not the King's, as obvious as that may seem) that by serving, his Ireland would maintain independence.
I think you need a closing quotation mark at the end of the paragraph that begins, "To this day."
In the paragraph that begins with "Sinn Fein," the last sentence is confusing and you might want to rewrite it.
In the paragraph that begins, "He landed in a small railroad town," "many Irishman" should be "many Irishmen," unless you want to say, "many an Irishman."
Paragraph that begins "It was a blustery day" about the 10th line down, I think one or both of the two changes I've suggested would make the sentence more grammatical and less run-on:
...Mam, who seemed blank in spirit, departed from the train platform [and] upon seeing her father[,] fell into his arms and began sobbing.
Same paragraph, a little further down, my suggested edit is in brackets:
... I also saw that he had what I thought [were] the enormous hands...
In the paragraph that begins, "When we arrived at his home," in the third sentence of that paragraph, the comma should be after the word "car" instead of the word "parking."
I think you can write "anytime" or the more old-school "any time," but I don't think it's normally hyphenated.
In your second-to-last paragraph, last sentence, I am not clear on what you mean by "my siblings torn into two families." I was under the impression that there were four of you and that you all traveled with your Mam - except that you did mention as part of the italicized Background at the beginning, that half the children moved to America.
I haven't read your first chapter yet, so maybe my question will be answered (about your other siblings) when I have a chance to do that.
I love the way you intersperse historical details in with your own family drama. You have an amazing story to tell!
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2019
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Hello Mary Kay, Each and every suggested edit was taken with very grateful appreciation! I am quite grateful for the amount of time and interest you obviously spent on my 2nd chapter. Each edit was made --- thank you!
Comment from RShipp
So sad when there is physical abuse- even in front of the children. That doesn't make it happening in private any less abhorrent.
I don't think many soldiers talk about their war experiences- but it must have been made much worse fighting a war and hearing of the upheavals happening back at home.
"boy gather what... think you want 'boy' capitalized.
"leave the bags in the car" and be quite going up ...
-- 'leave' should be capitalized and I think you wanted the word 'quiet'.... Be sure to add the ending dialogue punctuation.
I love how you wrote about the description of the house and the awareness that his assumptions were mistaken. Well done.
I love the first-hand memories you are allowing us to experience. Thank you.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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So sad when there is physical abuse- even in front of the children. That doesn't make it happening in private any less abhorrent.
I don't think many soldiers talk about their war experiences- but it must have been made much worse fighting a war and hearing of the upheavals happening back at home.
"boy gather what... think you want 'boy' capitalized.
"leave the bags in the car" and be quite going up ...
-- 'leave' should be capitalized and I think you wanted the word 'quiet'.... Be sure to add the ending dialogue punctuation.
I love how you wrote about the description of the house and the awareness that his assumptions were mistaken. Well done.
I love the first-hand memories you are allowing us to experience. Thank you.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2019
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Dear RShipp, thank you very much for taking the time to read and review this chapter. I appreciate the suggested edits. I am grateful for the validation on the content.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Content is very well-done. It sounds like there was never any room for real sentimentality with a divorce that couldn't really happen properly. The grandfather sounds somewhat forbidding, or as described pretty clueless about how to talk to children. This sentence proves that: Grandfather didn't reach out to any one of us children and his first words as he looked right into my eyes "boy to gather what suitcases you can and follow me."
I would tweak the punctuation a little there. Maybe:
Grandfather didn't reach out to any one of us children, and his first words as he looked right into my eyes were, "Boy, gather what suitcases you can and follow me."
Movie-like history, or the makings of one, perhaps. Neat history.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Content is very well-done. It sounds like there was never any room for real sentimentality with a divorce that couldn't really happen properly. The grandfather sounds somewhat forbidding, or as described pretty clueless about how to talk to children. This sentence proves that: Grandfather didn't reach out to any one of us children and his first words as he looked right into my eyes "boy to gather what suitcases you can and follow me."
I would tweak the punctuation a little there. Maybe:
Grandfather didn't reach out to any one of us children, and his first words as he looked right into my eyes were, "Boy, gather what suitcases you can and follow me."
Movie-like history, or the makings of one, perhaps. Neat history.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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First, thank you for the validation on content. Second, yes the correct is most needed. I appreciate every comment giving in a most receptive manner!
Comment from Sally Law
This is superb, rich with emotion, imagery and history. I had a father much like your Da. Well written and full of Irish history as well as WWI references which I can never get enough of. A few polishing items and tips are needed.
Do mark this for violence, for it certainly qualifies.
"Da, drunker than I had ever seen him, hit Mam so hard, her skull cracked.
"So it was that Mam's Da sent us the funds . . ." This area needs a bit of reworking. Ma's father or maybe a grandather's nickname like Papa, or mine was "Fath" for father. You have Mam's Da here in such a way it disturbs the flow. Perhaps just simply, "Mam's father" will do here. We, as the reader, may get him confused with your Da who has the same name. I've made this mistake before with my writing and my copy editor flagged it.
Paragraph that begins, "To this day..." Connect to previous paragraph so that the area extends to the margin for a clean look. Smaller paragraphs make for easier reading in a longer piece.
I hope this is helpful. I wish you every success, and please let me know if I can offer any assistance. I look forward to the next chapter.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally :)
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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This is superb, rich with emotion, imagery and history. I had a father much like your Da. Well written and full of Irish history as well as WWI references which I can never get enough of. A few polishing items and tips are needed.
Do mark this for violence, for it certainly qualifies.
"Da, drunker than I had ever seen him, hit Mam so hard, her skull cracked.
"So it was that Mam's Da sent us the funds . . ." This area needs a bit of reworking. Ma's father or maybe a grandather's nickname like Papa, or mine was "Fath" for father. You have Mam's Da here in such a way it disturbs the flow. Perhaps just simply, "Mam's father" will do here. We, as the reader, may get him confused with your Da who has the same name. I've made this mistake before with my writing and my copy editor flagged it.
Paragraph that begins, "To this day..." Connect to previous paragraph so that the area extends to the margin for a clean look. Smaller paragraphs make for easier reading in a longer piece.
I hope this is helpful. I wish you every success, and please let me know if I can offer any assistance. I look forward to the next chapter.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally :)
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Sal, awesome input in every aspect! I am so very grateful! Jim
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You are most welcome, Jim.
Comment from lyenochka
Fascinating story! So you came to the United States at the young age of 7 with your siblings. How did your mother recover from such a terrible blow to the head? I did like how you interwove world history events between the personal history events.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Fascinating story! So you came to the United States at the young age of 7 with your siblings. How did your mother recover from such a terrible blow to the head? I did like how you interwove world history events between the personal history events.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Thank you, to be quite honest, I to this day don't think my mother ever was quite the same afterwards. She died, quite young at age fifty-four. I appreciate your review and comments.
Comment from country ranch writer
Getting out of an abusive house hold was really a blessing in disguise cause he could have killed your man. You got to start over getting a new life,
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Getting out of an abusive house hold was really a blessing in disguise cause he could have killed your man. You got to start over getting a new life,
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Normally, I would agree 100%, however, the move didn't resolve all of the abuse as later will be revealed.
