Be Wee With Bea Part2
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Sweet Puppy to the Rescue"Continuation of Bea's Strollings
12 total reviews
Comment from WryWriter
I love these characters! A healthy dose of curiosity leads them on their adventure. Your story holds reader attention throughout. I've included some suggestions below for you to consider:
Stepping down from the dumpster, Bea, the exasperated wee bear, stomped her toes, claws((omit,)) and paws to get as much muck off them as she could.((space))She felt relieved to get herself to the ground((,)) and sad when she noticed the ground had no dirt or grass.
She wondered if any of the stone((space)) ((pillars)) had paths buried under her feet.
She was also sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave was under here.
[((Repeated sentence))She was also sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave was under here.]
She could see an excited puppy off in the distance, running toward them, tail wagging((,)) with something her mouth.
Very hesitant and resistant, she dropped the leg of chicken((omit,)) to tell what she'd been doing.
They'd planned and practiced((omit,) for a long time, even doing a dry run which turned out to be a very wet one.
Neither Scruffles((omit,)) nor Bea had any idea what Sweet Puppy was talking about.
All kinds of foods lay spread out for anyone to take without any dangerous dumpster((-))diving required.
An official sled dog, Sweet Puppy((omit,)) led the joyous group home.
-----
The chosen artwork goes very well with this chapter. A most enjoyable reading experience!
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2019
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I love these characters! A healthy dose of curiosity leads them on their adventure. Your story holds reader attention throughout. I've included some suggestions below for you to consider:
Stepping down from the dumpster, Bea, the exasperated wee bear, stomped her toes, claws((omit,)) and paws to get as much muck off them as she could.((space))She felt relieved to get herself to the ground((,)) and sad when she noticed the ground had no dirt or grass.
She wondered if any of the stone((space)) ((pillars)) had paths buried under her feet.
She was also sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave was under here.
[((Repeated sentence))She was also sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave was under here.]
She could see an excited puppy off in the distance, running toward them, tail wagging((,)) with something her mouth.
Very hesitant and resistant, she dropped the leg of chicken((omit,)) to tell what she'd been doing.
They'd planned and practiced((omit,) for a long time, even doing a dry run which turned out to be a very wet one.
Neither Scruffles((omit,)) nor Bea had any idea what Sweet Puppy was talking about.
All kinds of foods lay spread out for anyone to take without any dangerous dumpster((-))diving required.
An official sled dog, Sweet Puppy((omit,)) led the joyous group home.
-----
The chosen artwork goes very well with this chapter. A most enjoyable reading experience!
Comment Written 25-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your supportive review. I have edited my work. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'll have to check out the other parts to this story. I thought it was great. I liked how the animals hated the tarmac on the ground, I do too. We are covering over to much of our earth, burying anything that is good. Well done, I think this must be a much-loved story for children and adults. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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I'll have to check out the other parts to this story. I thought it was great. I liked how the animals hated the tarmac on the ground, I do too. We are covering over to much of our earth, burying anything that is good. Well done, I think this must be a much-loved story for children and adults. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. The introduction to this dislike for tarmac is in the Part 1 Chap 9 & 12. This actually happened to me at graduate school. There was a dirt path I used to love to walk. I went back the next summer. The had tarred it.
Comment from Ben Colder
Interesting. I think we see much ot too much of this happenings. I can remember hard times as well during the war. I find no mistakes and than the writer for a job well done.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Interesting. I think we see much ot too much of this happenings. I can remember hard times as well during the war. I find no mistakes and than the writer for a job well done.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
was under here.(I probably wouldn't repeat this twice) Very well written and upbeat as always. Best wishes with your novel, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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was under here.(I probably wouldn't repeat this twice) Very well written and upbeat as always. Best wishes with your novel, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your supportive review. Sadly, it looks like some of your writing got left out.
Comment from rama devi
Your writing is so unique. Nice characterization. Good descriptive detail. Good pacing, but with room for improvement by tweaking sentence mechanics and avoiding passive voicing, etc.
NOTES and suggestions:
*She was relieved to get herself to the ground. She sadly noticed the ground had no dirt or grass but was covered with the same black hardness that still covered Bea's Golden Path.
Using WAS and also the adverb SADLY weakens the voicing. May I suggest these slight alterations?...
She felt relieved to get herself to the ground and sad when she noticed the ground had no dirt or grass. It was covered with the same black hardness that still covered Bea's Golden Path.
* The tracks of all who had the opportunity and privilege of walking upon this land were buried under the same gloom.
Using WAS and WERE should be minimized. It's always optimal to find stronger verbs. Here, you might replace WERE with LAY
The tracks of all who had the opportunity and privilege of walking upon this land lay buried under the same gloom.
*
She expressed worry that someday all of the mud for clay pots, topsoil for planting trees for Timothy(,) would be covered with blackness.
The sentence mechanics are a bit awkward. Consider revising. Also, 'expressed worry' is telling rather than showing. You might use a facial expression or gesture or simile to SHOW worry.
Example:
The thought that someday all of the mud for clay pots-- topsoil for planting trees for Timothy--would be covered with blackness made her cringe inside. Her eyes grew round with worry.
*She was also sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave was under here.
REplace WAS uses. Example:
She also felt sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave lay under here.
Agian, FELT SAD is also telling not showing. It's always optimal to SHOW emotions rather than state them. Similes help---or descriptive gestures, expressions, etc.
* she could see an excited puppy off in the distance, running toward them, tail wagging with something her mouth.
COULD SEE is passive, weak voicing. Look for a stronger active verb. Example: she spotted an excited puppy...
* Neither Scruffles,(no ,) nor Bea had any idea what Sweet Puppy was talking about.
* There were all kinds of foods left out for anyone to take without any dangerous dumpster diving required.
THERE WERE is weak voicing. Example edit:
All kinds of food lay spread out for anyone to take...
*
She'd found a sled(,) which was kind of torn up but would do fine for carrying whatever they wanted to collect.
*passive voicing:
The joyous group was led home by an official sled dog, Sweet Puppy.
Example edit:
An official sled dog, Sweet Puppy, led the joyous group home.
You story is interesting. Sorry I can't keep up with prose posts here...just visiting FS intermittently, between clients for editing.
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Your writing is so unique. Nice characterization. Good descriptive detail. Good pacing, but with room for improvement by tweaking sentence mechanics and avoiding passive voicing, etc.
NOTES and suggestions:
*She was relieved to get herself to the ground. She sadly noticed the ground had no dirt or grass but was covered with the same black hardness that still covered Bea's Golden Path.
Using WAS and also the adverb SADLY weakens the voicing. May I suggest these slight alterations?...
She felt relieved to get herself to the ground and sad when she noticed the ground had no dirt or grass. It was covered with the same black hardness that still covered Bea's Golden Path.
* The tracks of all who had the opportunity and privilege of walking upon this land were buried under the same gloom.
Using WAS and WERE should be minimized. It's always optimal to find stronger verbs. Here, you might replace WERE with LAY
The tracks of all who had the opportunity and privilege of walking upon this land lay buried under the same gloom.
*
She expressed worry that someday all of the mud for clay pots, topsoil for planting trees for Timothy(,) would be covered with blackness.
The sentence mechanics are a bit awkward. Consider revising. Also, 'expressed worry' is telling rather than showing. You might use a facial expression or gesture or simile to SHOW worry.
Example:
The thought that someday all of the mud for clay pots-- topsoil for planting trees for Timothy--would be covered with blackness made her cringe inside. Her eyes grew round with worry.
*She was also sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave was under here.
REplace WAS uses. Example:
She also felt sad when she thought of how many trees and maybe even someone's cave lay under here.
Agian, FELT SAD is also telling not showing. It's always optimal to SHOW emotions rather than state them. Similes help---or descriptive gestures, expressions, etc.
* she could see an excited puppy off in the distance, running toward them, tail wagging with something her mouth.
COULD SEE is passive, weak voicing. Look for a stronger active verb. Example: she spotted an excited puppy...
* Neither Scruffles,(no ,) nor Bea had any idea what Sweet Puppy was talking about.
* There were all kinds of foods left out for anyone to take without any dangerous dumpster diving required.
THERE WERE is weak voicing. Example edit:
All kinds of food lay spread out for anyone to take...
*
She'd found a sled(,) which was kind of torn up but would do fine for carrying whatever they wanted to collect.
*passive voicing:
The joyous group was led home by an official sled dog, Sweet Puppy.
Example edit:
An official sled dog, Sweet Puppy, led the joyous group home.
You story is interesting. Sorry I can't keep up with prose posts here...just visiting FS intermittently, between clients for editing.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your supportive review. Your help is invaluable. I have learned a great deal on this site. I've seen my writing more each time. I hope to hear your "voice" on those issues when I write.
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Glad to be of help. Blessings, rd
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for sharing the continuing adventures of Bea, even though they started out gloomy. I am glad Sweet Puppy became and official "sled dog" and cheered up everyone. I appreciate your sharing your inspiration in your notes as well. Smiles- Joan
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2019
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Thank you for sharing the continuing adventures of Bea, even though they started out gloomy. I am glad Sweet Puppy became and official "sled dog" and cheered up everyone. I appreciate your sharing your inspiration in your notes as well. Smiles- Joan
Comment Written 16-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad you are rooting for Bea. She thanks you.
Comment from Sally Law
I just love Sweet Puppy. Now, a sled dog I see. It's nice to see a wee bear surrounded by so many dear friends. Well written as always, dear Liz and so endearing.
Sending you my best today as always and blessings for Christmas,
Sally xo
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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I just love Sweet Puppy. Now, a sled dog I see. It's nice to see a wee bear surrounded by so many dear friends. Well written as always, dear Liz and so endearing.
Sending you my best today as always and blessings for Christmas,
Sally xo
Comment Written 15-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. Sweet Puppy is flattered.
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Thank you for your interactive review. Sweet Puppy is flattered.
Comment from mkflood
i did another titled "mccritters".. this one has the animals feasting at a dumpster.. cute story and thanks for selecting my work..great job overall.. mkflood
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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i did another titled "mccritters".. this one has the animals feasting at a dumpster.. cute story and thanks for selecting my work..great job overall.. mkflood
Comment Written 15-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your interactive review. I'll have to look that one up. Thanks for the heads up. I bet it is delightful. Is this on your you tube site?
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I looked on you tube but did not find it. Where would I find it. I thoroughly enjoyed the "Strange Creatures. I found myself laughing out loud. I posted your site on my fb page.
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Sorry.. true you can find my numerous illustrated music videos but I was talking about the search thru our FAN search. I have over 1000 drawings in my FAR portfolio and wanted save you time to find it easier.
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I am happy I found the creatures one on you tube though. I just found it & switched it for my chapter. It is perfect. How precious. Thanks for the heads-up
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No .I make available over 1000 drawings of wide range of topics for you writers here on Fanstory. Wink
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Thank you
Comment from LeannaP
Can we talk about Sweet Puppy?
What a character I'll say.
Your story develops significantly.
Your paragraphs foreshadow what is to come beautifully.
Nicely written
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2019
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Can we talk about Sweet Puppy?
What a character I'll say.
Your story develops significantly.
Your paragraphs foreshadow what is to come beautifully.
Nicely written
Comment Written 14-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2019
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Sweet puppy in real life was a character. She passed this Jan of 2019 at 18 years. A true terrier. You should have seen her as she weakened. She still wanted to take me for a walk. She sometimes forget she's not a puppy. There were 4 days she couldn't walk at all. I gave her glucosamine & soon she was taking me for another walk. She was so cute & it kind of brought tears to my eyes to see her want to run ahead of me when we were walking. It was fun for her to always be ahead of me. She was sweet.
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My condolences for your loss
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow -- now that was certainly unexpected, but how wonderful!! ;) :) You've done a great job with an animal's view of the asphalt that's been laid... delightful read as always, my lady!! ;) Thanx for sharing! ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2019
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Wow -- now that was certainly unexpected, but how wonderful!! ;) :) You've done a great job with an animal's view of the asphalt that's been laid... delightful read as always, my lady!! ;) Thanx for sharing! ;) Yvette
Comment Written 14-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2019
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I am so pleased with your enthusiasm. Thank you for such a review. I do enjoy them.
