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Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Shadows of the Past"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
3 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
You transported us to the scene in your opening paragraph with your vivid description and "toy doll" simile. The sense of "suppression" was evident and the analogy to the "force of gravity" was very effective. Here's to future compelling chapters as well- Joan
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2019
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You transported us to the scene in your opening paragraph with your vivid description and "toy doll" simile. The sense of "suppression" was evident and the analogy to the "force of gravity" was very effective. Here's to future compelling chapters as well- Joan
Comment Written 16-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2019
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Thank you for such an encouraging review. I?m greatly appreciative of the positive response :)
Thank you,
Euell
Comment from LeannaP
Her stare, seized with fear...
This was my favorite line. It was gripping. You have a way of writing which ultimately grips the reader into believing that they are apart of your pretty lengthy story.
I found this to be a unique piece worth the five stars..or higher! Keep the great writing coming.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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Her stare, seized with fear...
This was my favorite line. It was gripping. You have a way of writing which ultimately grips the reader into believing that they are apart of your pretty lengthy story.
I found this to be a unique piece worth the five stars..or higher! Keep the great writing coming.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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Awesome! Thank you. I?m elated when I receive feedback that entails a connection to some degree. Not an easy subject to write about. Thank you!
Comment from lyenochka
Wow: time travel plus ghost with issues plus humor and music! I like how you wove all of these together. Poor El - I feel both sorry and scared for him but also smile at his OCD at correcting a quarter cm misalignment! I guess at least that small thing was in his power to change but the apparition was not.
I really liked the strong opening with the metaphor of electricity and the reference to music that shows the different times the ghost and El come from.
The third paragraph is confusing:
"Her eyes seem to color a portrait with the tears of her suppression as her paint that drip in front of El. "
I tend to use "seem " a lot also but am trying to avoid it. We are conveying an uncertainty but we don't have to. How about something like:
Her eyes, painted with suppressed tears, drip before El.
"Her eyes, gripped with fear, brush a tormenting impression behind a silent scream."
How about:
Her eyes, seized with fear, hide a tormenting, silent scream.
There's an unforgiveable sin she cannot speak of which the laws that bind the Universe can never forgive.
How about:
The Universe can never forgive her unconfessed sin.
"where the fan should be to create a shadow, " (where the fan should have created a shadow)
"Naively, El corrects the irregularity with slight struggle;" (with a slight struggle)
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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Wow: time travel plus ghost with issues plus humor and music! I like how you wove all of these together. Poor El - I feel both sorry and scared for him but also smile at his OCD at correcting a quarter cm misalignment! I guess at least that small thing was in his power to change but the apparition was not.
I really liked the strong opening with the metaphor of electricity and the reference to music that shows the different times the ghost and El come from.
The third paragraph is confusing:
"Her eyes seem to color a portrait with the tears of her suppression as her paint that drip in front of El. "
I tend to use "seem " a lot also but am trying to avoid it. We are conveying an uncertainty but we don't have to. How about something like:
Her eyes, painted with suppressed tears, drip before El.
"Her eyes, gripped with fear, brush a tormenting impression behind a silent scream."
How about:
Her eyes, seized with fear, hide a tormenting, silent scream.
There's an unforgiveable sin she cannot speak of which the laws that bind the Universe can never forgive.
How about:
The Universe can never forgive her unconfessed sin.
"where the fan should be to create a shadow, " (where the fan should have created a shadow)
"Naively, El corrects the irregularity with slight struggle;" (with a slight struggle)
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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Helen, thank you! Can?t say that enough. Again, that paragraph, like the one before, has me thinking a lot, too. Just couldn?t put my finger on the problem even when I rewrote it a dozen times. Thank you for being my extra brain. :)
-Euell
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You have a compelling story to tell so we're glad to be a second pair of eyes.
Blessings!
