Headshot
A story about siblings11 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This works well. It's also very believable, given I am a gamer and have a brother. Yeah... been there! lol
"Was too. I was running at him, you saw me," - should be a full stop / period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
Nice job
GMG
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2019
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Hi there,
This works well. It's also very believable, given I am a gamer and have a brother. Yeah... been there! lol
"Was too. I was running at him, you saw me," - should be a full stop / period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
Nice job
GMG
Comment Written 06-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2019
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Thank you
Comment from JudyE
This is well written and entertaining. You've made good use of your 75 work allowance.
Just one comment: In the following 'The two stoutly brothers continued to argue, each raising their voices over the other'. - I think you mean 'the two stout brothers' or maybe 'The two brothers continued to argue stoutly'
Good luck in the contest.
"Headshot!" Kenny yelled.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2019
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This is well written and entertaining. You've made good use of your 75 work allowance.
Just one comment: In the following 'The two stoutly brothers continued to argue, each raising their voices over the other'. - I think you mean 'the two stout brothers' or maybe 'The two brothers continued to argue stoutly'
Good luck in the contest.
"Headshot!" Kenny yelled.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your review
Comment from Dawn Munro
I liked your opening statement very much. Unfortunately, I found the rest of the plot weak -- sorry, but you classified this as humor, and I didn't find the violence funny, nor was it dramatic enough that I could have dismissed the classification as a mere slip of the mouse. It was just grown boys behaving badly.
The ending (itself) was a good, but not compelling, which is what I look for in any story, most especially a flash fiction.
Your dialogue, however, was excellent, and your characters believable. Keep writing! And best of luck with the judges.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2019
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I liked your opening statement very much. Unfortunately, I found the rest of the plot weak -- sorry, but you classified this as humor, and I didn't find the violence funny, nor was it dramatic enough that I could have dismissed the classification as a mere slip of the mouse. It was just grown boys behaving badly.
The ending (itself) was a good, but not compelling, which is what I look for in any story, most especially a flash fiction.
Your dialogue, however, was excellent, and your characters believable. Keep writing! And best of luck with the judges.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your review
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mia Twysted
You definitely have a good graphic to go along with your entry for the 75 word contest.
What do you mean by Head Shot?
Gert
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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Hello Mia Twysted
You definitely have a good graphic to go along with your entry for the 75 word contest.
What do you mean by Head Shot?
Gert
Comment Written 05-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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My nephew plays video games and when he shoots them in the head he always yells out "Headshot." It's where I got the idea.
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Thank you Mia Twysted, telling me what me 'headshot' means.
Gert
Comment from Mistydawn
I could easily see this happen in real life, lol. Two brothers arguing over a game like it's a life or death situation. This piece is well-written, very interesting, realistic. Good luck with your contest.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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I could easily see this happen in real life, lol. Two brothers arguing over a game like it's a life or death situation. This piece is well-written, very interesting, realistic. Good luck with your contest.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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Thank you very much.
Comment from moonsunrise
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It is so true of the games siblilngs play. They just love these very competitive games! By the way, the image you selected is spot on and humorous.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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I really enjoyed reading your poem. It is so true of the games siblilngs play. They just love these very competitive games! By the way, the image you selected is spot on and humorous.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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I am so glad you liked it.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Ha, ha! this is a fun and entertaining flash fiction piece. The dialogue gives it action, and the last line raised a chuckle.
This is one of the best entries I've so far read for this contest. I hope it does well {thumbs up}.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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Ha, ha! this is a fun and entertaining flash fiction piece. The dialogue gives it action, and the last line raised a chuckle.
This is one of the best entries I've so far read for this contest. I hope it does well {thumbs up}.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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I hope so as well. Thank you for the stars it means a lot.
Comment from Sasha
This is a terrific entry for this 75 Words Flash Fiction contest. I have never been into online gaming but apparently it is a big thing with all the kids. I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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This is a terrific entry for this 75 Words Flash Fiction contest. I have never been into online gaming but apparently it is a big thing with all the kids. I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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Thank you Sasha.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Bill Pinder
You nailed it with this humorous flash fiction story about the sibling rivalry between Brothers. That sounds about right when brothers go at it. Hopefully it's good natured fun and doesn't get any worse than that.
Bill
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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You nailed it with this humorous flash fiction story about the sibling rivalry between Brothers. That sounds about right when brothers go at it. Hopefully it's good natured fun and doesn't get any worse than that.
Bill
Comment Written 04-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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You would like to think but siblings take things to a whole other level.
Comment from MamaBebop
Hahaha! I have 3 daughters all born in the span of 5 years, there are a lot of "headshots" in this house!!
I told my oldest one recently that she will learn that hitting her little sisters will yield her no return. Her reply was "So I should use words?". I was for a moment speechless because if I said yes, (the right way to parent), I also would be giving her permission to use unkind words towards her sisters, but if I said no, then that's obviously not the right answer either.
I told her to come find me or another adult if she felt the need to hit her sisters.
Thanks for sharing. Blessings, MB
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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Hahaha! I have 3 daughters all born in the span of 5 years, there are a lot of "headshots" in this house!!
I told my oldest one recently that she will learn that hitting her little sisters will yield her no return. Her reply was "So I should use words?". I was for a moment speechless because if I said yes, (the right way to parent), I also would be giving her permission to use unkind words towards her sisters, but if I said no, then that's obviously not the right answer either.
I told her to come find me or another adult if she felt the need to hit her sisters.
Thanks for sharing. Blessings, MB
Comment Written 04-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
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I tell my kids that all the time, to come find someone when they are fighting and still sometimes they take matters into their own hands.
