Beneath the Roses
906 Words13 total reviews
Comment from JudyE
This is really well written and I wish you the very best in the contest.
I did pick up a few points:
"You okay, Dad?" David asked concerned about his father's change - comma after 'asked'
My ladies group will want to hear the news. - apostrophe needed - ladies' group
something of value could come out of all - word missing - 'come out of it all'
I'm going to dig up two of his favorites and transplant them on his burial site," David replied. - I think this should be 'transplant them to his burial site'
Frank scoffed and then drove off - delete 'and' or 'then'. No need to use both.
The first came our easily. - typo - 'came out'
he took a swig of water and then started on the next one to be moved- delete 'and' or 'then'. No need to use both.
Stunned, he fell like dead weight on the ground - this sounds a bit melodramatic to me but that's only my opinion. I might have said 'he sank to his knees'
transplanted the two lavender blooms - maybe 'bushes' rather than 'blooms'. Blooms, I think, signifies individual flowers rather than whole plants.
Cheers
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
  |
This is really well written and I wish you the very best in the contest.
I did pick up a few points:
"You okay, Dad?" David asked concerned about his father's change - comma after 'asked'
My ladies group will want to hear the news. - apostrophe needed - ladies' group
something of value could come out of all - word missing - 'come out of it all'
I'm going to dig up two of his favorites and transplant them on his burial site," David replied. - I think this should be 'transplant them to his burial site'
Frank scoffed and then drove off - delete 'and' or 'then'. No need to use both.
The first came our easily. - typo - 'came out'
he took a swig of water and then started on the next one to be moved- delete 'and' or 'then'. No need to use both.
Stunned, he fell like dead weight on the ground - this sounds a bit melodramatic to me but that's only my opinion. I might have said 'he sank to his knees'
transplanted the two lavender blooms - maybe 'bushes' rather than 'blooms'. Blooms, I think, signifies individual flowers rather than whole plants.
Cheers
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from LisaMay
What a terrible story! (Obviously, because I gave you a 6, I do not mean the quality of your writing.) You have portrayed these despicably selfish family members very well. David being the only one with humanity deserved the reward, which he is selflessly putting towards the hospice.
I like this phrase: Through expiry burdened eyes
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
 |
What a terrible story! (Obviously, because I gave you a 6, I do not mean the quality of your writing.) You have portrayed these despicably selfish family members very well. David being the only one with humanity deserved the reward, which he is selflessly putting towards the hospice.
I like this phrase: Through expiry burdened eyes
Comment Written 03-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from Sallyo
came our easily
out
Great entry! It's a treasure hunt and a traditional "third child" story as well. The only bit I find difficult to accept is what Alice said... if she always does what's expected, I'd not expect this nasty speech. Although, maybe it WAS what was expected from Alice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
|
came our easily
out
Great entry! It's a treasure hunt and a traditional "third child" story as well. The only bit I find difficult to accept is what Alice said... if she always does what's expected, I'd not expect this nasty speech. Although, maybe it WAS what was expected from Alice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
-
Thank you. It was what would be expected of her since she did everything for effect and not because she cared much about anything but herself. You know the type as there are ton of them out there :).
