Gun For Hire
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Encounter with Calvary"First the war...the marshal
2 total reviews
Comment from Janilou
What a great chapter. I enjoyed your vivid descriptions.
The sinking sun lights up the western sky with golden hues and vibrant reds casting an eerie pall as night descends on the prairie.
What a stunning opening line. Drew me right in.
The night cricket's chirp, the rodents scurry across the fallen leaves, and the breeze rippling through the leaves, I doze in the early hours before dawn.
Excellent writing here. I felt as if I were there.
I have some suggestions for you:
I was remembering maw standing on the front porch apron wrapped around her arms callin' me to sup I say, "I'm sorry Colonel, what did you say?"
Because your character is remembering and calling his mother by name, the word maw should be Maw.
Add comma after sorry.
So it would read:
I was remembering Maw standing on the front porch apron wrapped around her arms callin' me to sup I say, "I'm sorry, Colonel, what did you say?"
Horace reins in the team removes his hat saying, "Yes siree bob! See'd a big ole dust cloud a way North? That's where them Comanch headed. I tweren't taking no chances on gettin' scalped, no sireee, I'm not."
? missing word. and?
Horace reins in the team (and) removes his hat saying, "Yes siree bob! See'd a big ole dust cloud a way North? That's where them Comanch headed. I tweren't taking no chances on gettin' scalped, no sireee, I'm not."
Shoulders sag the missus asks, "What now?"
EIther Shoulders sagging, the missus asks, "What now?"
OR
Shoulders sag. The missus asks, "What now?"
Horace cocks his rifle and steps out from behind the wagon and says, "Gents I reckon you best be dropping them six-shooters." Smiling that toothy grin of his he continues, "Ye jist might be laying across them saddles of your'n."
(Line space needed here)
The old man says, "Drop your gun son."
Horace has the team hitched and sittin' on the seat. Tommy jumps in the back after dousing the fire. With the two hombres in tow, I say to Horace, "We'll ride a head, if one of these galoots makes a move, kill um."
(Line space needed)
Horace nods, slaps leather and we roll toward Fort Concho.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2019
  |
What a great chapter. I enjoyed your vivid descriptions.
The sinking sun lights up the western sky with golden hues and vibrant reds casting an eerie pall as night descends on the prairie.
What a stunning opening line. Drew me right in.
The night cricket's chirp, the rodents scurry across the fallen leaves, and the breeze rippling through the leaves, I doze in the early hours before dawn.
Excellent writing here. I felt as if I were there.
I have some suggestions for you:
I was remembering maw standing on the front porch apron wrapped around her arms callin' me to sup I say, "I'm sorry Colonel, what did you say?"
Because your character is remembering and calling his mother by name, the word maw should be Maw.
Add comma after sorry.
So it would read:
I was remembering Maw standing on the front porch apron wrapped around her arms callin' me to sup I say, "I'm sorry, Colonel, what did you say?"
Horace reins in the team removes his hat saying, "Yes siree bob! See'd a big ole dust cloud a way North? That's where them Comanch headed. I tweren't taking no chances on gettin' scalped, no sireee, I'm not."
? missing word. and?
Horace reins in the team (and) removes his hat saying, "Yes siree bob! See'd a big ole dust cloud a way North? That's where them Comanch headed. I tweren't taking no chances on gettin' scalped, no sireee, I'm not."
Shoulders sag the missus asks, "What now?"
EIther Shoulders sagging, the missus asks, "What now?"
OR
Shoulders sag. The missus asks, "What now?"
Horace cocks his rifle and steps out from behind the wagon and says, "Gents I reckon you best be dropping them six-shooters." Smiling that toothy grin of his he continues, "Ye jist might be laying across them saddles of your'n."
(Line space needed here)
The old man says, "Drop your gun son."
Horace has the team hitched and sittin' on the seat. Tommy jumps in the back after dousing the fire. With the two hombres in tow, I say to Horace, "We'll ride a head, if one of these galoots makes a move, kill um."
(Line space needed)
Horace nods, slaps leather and we roll toward Fort Concho.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2019
-
Janilou, Thank you for your review. I appreciate your time and comments. I will be reviewing your suggestions and taking appropriate actions. Again, Thank you!
Comment from Darlene Franklin
I've never read a western written in present tense before, it certainly heightens the excitement! I like the way you brought three kinds of company across their path - the threat of the Comanche, the Cavalry, and the robbers, each with its own set of problems. And Jeb's hankering to get, with the question mark about what he'll find.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2019
|
I've never read a western written in present tense before, it certainly heightens the excitement! I like the way you brought three kinds of company across their path - the threat of the Comanche, the Cavalry, and the robbers, each with its own set of problems. And Jeb's hankering to get, with the question mark about what he'll find.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2019
-
Thank you for your time and your kind review, Darlene. Do stop by again. Catherin
-
I'll have to keep an eye out for it. You're welcome.
