La Bete (The Beast)
If you search for the truth, you may find a nightmare.3 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Looking over at his friend who was studiously studying the village ahead, he smiled. -- If this was mine, I'd omit the repetitious adverb, "studiously".
Warmth was sucked from the car when he stepped out. -- I like this snippet of the narrative. I assume it's metaphorical along with the actual {thumbs up}.
But there was a prominent one that captured immediate attention. -- This is sought of counter-intuitive. It captures "immediate attention" and yet the others are described first?
The victim was suspended from the claws of one hairy arm while it's other swipes at another man holding a rifle that had just fired a bullet in the thing's stomach -- This mixes present and past tenses.
That's when Walt assumed his unshakable cowboy persona. -- Surely, if it's "unshakable" he wouldn't need to "assume" it.
"If he said something bad to you, I'll whip his ass," Walt said. -- The narrative says Walt didn't hear the main talking to Aimee? Perhaps it ought to say something along the lines of the words were indistinct to Walt.
The narrative mixes the first-person narrator, The four men at the bar were scowling at us, with the third-person narrator, Jake looked up at the guy. Walt may wrestle a steer to the ground.
Achille, leave them alone. Go back to your seat. -- I like the name. I'm assuming it's going to prove significant {smiles}.
"Hell, I just got thrown from my horse. What you tell 'em is your business." -- Ha, ha! A good ending {thumbs up}.
I wish you the best of luck when the contest is judged {smiles}.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2019
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Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Looking over at his friend who was studiously studying the village ahead, he smiled. -- If this was mine, I'd omit the repetitious adverb, "studiously".
Warmth was sucked from the car when he stepped out. -- I like this snippet of the narrative. I assume it's metaphorical along with the actual {thumbs up}.
But there was a prominent one that captured immediate attention. -- This is sought of counter-intuitive. It captures "immediate attention" and yet the others are described first?
The victim was suspended from the claws of one hairy arm while it's other swipes at another man holding a rifle that had just fired a bullet in the thing's stomach -- This mixes present and past tenses.
That's when Walt assumed his unshakable cowboy persona. -- Surely, if it's "unshakable" he wouldn't need to "assume" it.
"If he said something bad to you, I'll whip his ass," Walt said. -- The narrative says Walt didn't hear the main talking to Aimee? Perhaps it ought to say something along the lines of the words were indistinct to Walt.
The narrative mixes the first-person narrator, The four men at the bar were scowling at us, with the third-person narrator, Jake looked up at the guy. Walt may wrestle a steer to the ground.
Achille, leave them alone. Go back to your seat. -- I like the name. I'm assuming it's going to prove significant {smiles}.
"Hell, I just got thrown from my horse. What you tell 'em is your business." -- Ha, ha! A good ending {thumbs up}.
I wish you the best of luck when the contest is judged {smiles}.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2019
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Thank you for the critique and your corrections. I've edited the story with your suggestions. You're great.
Comment from robyn corum
Jake,
Well, since your name is Jake, this is obviously a true story and actually happened to you. I suppose it's too dangerous to post it as non-fiction because of all the newshounds who would be chasing you night and day for the story and location of this tiny town. It must be scary to live in fear that Aimee might find out you are sharing the story. Whew - what a brave soul.
hehehe
I did enjoy the tale and thought it was quite well-written, but for a few places that I've made notes about below. I had no idea what to expect - though I did guess that Aimee had turned into the beast once we got to the clearing.
Notes:
1.) Looking over at his friend who was studiously studying the village ahead,
--> 'studiously studying' is repetitious -- 'study' x2
--> btw, in the same vein, you used 'overlooking' in the first paragraph and 'looking' at the first word in the second paragraph.
--> whenever you can avoid using the same word (or root words) it's best to do so.
2.) raising hell, and he had the size and (gait) of John Wayne.
3.) "Hell no. It's freezing out there. I want to make my exposure quick."
--> you may or may not care -- but I wasn't sure if he meant PICTURE exposures or exposure of his flesh to the cold.
4.) Windows of the homes they passed were lit, andÃ?? we frequently observed peopleÃ?? inside.
--> edit out the strange symbols put there by our Evil Eddie - the Editor here who sometimes steps in and does odd things.
--> also, you've said 'we' here when you have been saying 'they' - need to edit this pronoun change out.
5.) Ã?? Every inch of the walls surrounding the tavern was clutteredÃ?? with paintingsÃ?? of men
--> more editing for symbols
--> consider:
Every inch of the tavern walls were cluttered with paintings of men...
--> otherwise, what I believe you are describing is the walls OUTSIDE the building.
--> also, I won't mark anymore of those symbols, but they continue to show up and you need to read through carefully to get the rest. TY
6.) After they tore their eyes away from the painting, they looked around
--> Jake, it's really hard to write from two peoples' point of view at the same time. In the opening of this post, you started out from Jake's pov and so I strongly encourage you to consider picking one - and maybe his? - to stick with. The reader has a really hard time trying to relate to TWO people - so if you give them ONE person's head to 'live in' it makes it easier. Let them kind of view the events unfolding through the eyes of that character MOSTLY -- but not exclusively. You can switch -in different scenes. Make sense?
7.) It was the girl behind the bar (who) had spoken.
8.) What makes you think you can whip his ass(?)"
9.) A (hairy), human-looking foot as large as a whisky
That's it. Please let me know if you do edit. Thanks for an entertaining read. Enjoyed!
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2019
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Jake,
Well, since your name is Jake, this is obviously a true story and actually happened to you. I suppose it's too dangerous to post it as non-fiction because of all the newshounds who would be chasing you night and day for the story and location of this tiny town. It must be scary to live in fear that Aimee might find out you are sharing the story. Whew - what a brave soul.
hehehe
I did enjoy the tale and thought it was quite well-written, but for a few places that I've made notes about below. I had no idea what to expect - though I did guess that Aimee had turned into the beast once we got to the clearing.
Notes:
1.) Looking over at his friend who was studiously studying the village ahead,
--> 'studiously studying' is repetitious -- 'study' x2
--> btw, in the same vein, you used 'overlooking' in the first paragraph and 'looking' at the first word in the second paragraph.
--> whenever you can avoid using the same word (or root words) it's best to do so.
2.) raising hell, and he had the size and (gait) of John Wayne.
3.) "Hell no. It's freezing out there. I want to make my exposure quick."
--> you may or may not care -- but I wasn't sure if he meant PICTURE exposures or exposure of his flesh to the cold.
4.) Windows of the homes they passed were lit, andÃ?? we frequently observed peopleÃ?? inside.
--> edit out the strange symbols put there by our Evil Eddie - the Editor here who sometimes steps in and does odd things.
--> also, you've said 'we' here when you have been saying 'they' - need to edit this pronoun change out.
5.) Ã?? Every inch of the walls surrounding the tavern was clutteredÃ?? with paintingsÃ?? of men
--> more editing for symbols
--> consider:
Every inch of the tavern walls were cluttered with paintings of men...
--> otherwise, what I believe you are describing is the walls OUTSIDE the building.
--> also, I won't mark anymore of those symbols, but they continue to show up and you need to read through carefully to get the rest. TY
6.) After they tore their eyes away from the painting, they looked around
--> Jake, it's really hard to write from two peoples' point of view at the same time. In the opening of this post, you started out from Jake's pov and so I strongly encourage you to consider picking one - and maybe his? - to stick with. The reader has a really hard time trying to relate to TWO people - so if you give them ONE person's head to 'live in' it makes it easier. Let them kind of view the events unfolding through the eyes of that character MOSTLY -- but not exclusively. You can switch -in different scenes. Make sense?
7.) It was the girl behind the bar (who) had spoken.
8.) What makes you think you can whip his ass(?)"
9.) A (hairy), human-looking foot as large as a whisky
That's it. Please let me know if you do edit. Thanks for an entertaining read. Enjoyed!
Comment Written 22-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2019
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Thanks for the review and your suggested corrections. I've edited the story to incorporate them. Thanks again.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction, you do not know how to write, speak, explain or define the accident and the course of adventure you had; I enjoyed the read; well said, well done.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2019
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Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction, you do not know how to write, speak, explain or define the accident and the course of adventure you had; I enjoyed the read; well said, well done.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2019
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Thanks for the review.
