Ever after
how to choose between the graveyard and the crematorium12 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
The apartment would certainly give me pause. I wouldn't mind living next to a graveyard, but a crematorium would put me off immediately. Good luck to that poor realtor. Great humor in your dark tale of apartment hunting.
Just a couple of SPAG I noticed:
has all the extras I dreamed off--I think you mean "of"
In the last paragraph, you need to capitalize "The" at the beginning of the sentence: the kid will be happy to walk
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2019
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The apartment would certainly give me pause. I wouldn't mind living next to a graveyard, but a crematorium would put me off immediately. Good luck to that poor realtor. Great humor in your dark tale of apartment hunting.
Just a couple of SPAG I noticed:
has all the extras I dreamed off--I think you mean "of"
In the last paragraph, you need to capitalize "The" at the beginning of the sentence: the kid will be happy to walk
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
let my kid wonder through this labyrinth of sorrow. (wander)
I would say there are quite a few spags in this, but as it is written first person, people don't always think with grammatical correctness. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
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let my kid wonder through this labyrinth of sorrow. (wander)
I would say there are quite a few spags in this, but as it is written first person, people don't always think with grammatical correctness. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind words
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is an interesting entry for the Short Story Contest.
You tell of viewing the apartment next to the Cemetary in great detail.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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I think this is an interesting entry for the Short Story Contest.
You tell of viewing the apartment next to the Cemetary in great detail.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 15-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much for your feedback
Comment from JudyE
I think the right decision was made here. It could be very difficult to sell at a later date.
I picked up quite a few glitches, if that's okay. Please feel free to ignore any suggestions you don't agree with. I've given four stars but am happy to give five after some editing.
Now that I got your attention - should be 'now that I have got'
So here is me being caught in this advertised spider web - I might have said 'advertising' rather than 'advertised'
this property rings nice dollars' signs - nice dollar signs
"Well let's have a sightseeing tour - comma after 'well'
wow Halloween here I come - comma after 'wow'
tall, five story building - spelling 'five storey'
that I have dreamed off - 'dreamed of'
wow top of the world - comma after 'wow'
Worried I am searching for ghosts - comma after 'worried'
Excited I am opening the door - comma after 'excited'
beauties from centuries, which have finally - who have finally
I guess we could, play hide and seek here with my cat, - delete comma after 'could'
I will never let my kid wonder through this labyrinth - should be 'wander'
I say loudly to the realtor:" Ok so we have a grave yard - comma after 'Ok'
I say loudly to the realtor:" Ok - space after colon, delete space after speech mark
starts the" walking distance" towards the line of life - space after 'the', delete space after speech mark
Pensive I am sitting on the chair in the balcony - comma after 'pensive'
For sure this is not a one-day decision - comma after 'sure'.
The realtor, broken hearted says: - comma after 'hearted'
Puzzled he asks me - comma after 'Puzzled'
Puzzled he asks me:" What do you mean?"" - space after 'me'. Delete space after first speech mark, delete one set of speech marks at end.
Well if you want to see - comma after 'Well'
Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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I think the right decision was made here. It could be very difficult to sell at a later date.
I picked up quite a few glitches, if that's okay. Please feel free to ignore any suggestions you don't agree with. I've given four stars but am happy to give five after some editing.
Now that I got your attention - should be 'now that I have got'
So here is me being caught in this advertised spider web - I might have said 'advertising' rather than 'advertised'
this property rings nice dollars' signs - nice dollar signs
"Well let's have a sightseeing tour - comma after 'well'
wow Halloween here I come - comma after 'wow'
tall, five story building - spelling 'five storey'
that I have dreamed off - 'dreamed of'
wow top of the world - comma after 'wow'
Worried I am searching for ghosts - comma after 'worried'
Excited I am opening the door - comma after 'excited'
beauties from centuries, which have finally - who have finally
I guess we could, play hide and seek here with my cat, - delete comma after 'could'
I will never let my kid wonder through this labyrinth - should be 'wander'
I say loudly to the realtor:" Ok so we have a grave yard - comma after 'Ok'
I say loudly to the realtor:" Ok - space after colon, delete space after speech mark
starts the" walking distance" towards the line of life - space after 'the', delete space after speech mark
Pensive I am sitting on the chair in the balcony - comma after 'pensive'
For sure this is not a one-day decision - comma after 'sure'.
The realtor, broken hearted says: - comma after 'hearted'
Puzzled he asks me - comma after 'Puzzled'
Puzzled he asks me:" What do you mean?"" - space after 'me'. Delete space after first speech mark, delete one set of speech marks at end.
Well if you want to see - comma after 'Well'
Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much for your honest feedback and for your excellent grammar review
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You're welcome. :)
Comment from oliver818
I enjoyed this story. It flows well and has a nice feel to it. The story is interesting and well thought out. Thanks for sharing this and Have a really great day
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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I enjoyed this story. It flows well and has a nice feel to it. The story is interesting and well thought out. Thanks for sharing this and Have a really great day
Comment Written 13-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much and good luck with your writings.
Comment from Sallyo
Interesting and originally told tale here. I enjoyed the eccentric writing style, which is just this side of comprehensible! I like the darting around the point. Great fun.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Interesting and originally told tale here. I enjoyed the eccentric writing style, which is just this side of comprehensible! I like the darting around the point. Great fun.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much for having the patience to read it until the end.
Comment from country ranch writer
At least you didn't but it sight unseat that would have been horrible for everyone. Your child may have had nightmares over the graveyard.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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At least you didn't but it sight unseat that would have been horrible for everyone. Your child may have had nightmares over the graveyard.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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So true:) thank you so much for your feedback.
Comment from Darlene Franklin
I never thought about who lives next to the crematorium. The graveyard wouldn't be so bad. Well-told story. I love the way she called him Mr. Adam. Good luck with the contest!
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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I never thought about who lives next to the crematorium. The graveyard wouldn't be so bad. Well-told story. I love the way she called him Mr. Adam. Good luck with the contest!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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:) I was trying to make a subtle allusion to Adams family:) Thank you for stopping by and taking a chance on this piece.
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Ooh, then they should have loved that address! Too bad they passed it up.
Comment from Henry King
I like the premise of the story. The setting and characters are perfect. The apartment advertising is right on target. My problem is the narrative and dialog. It seems as if the story was written in a language other than English. Then it was run through a translation program. The words are technically correct, but they would not be normally used by English speakers.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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I like the premise of the story. The setting and characters are perfect. The apartment advertising is right on target. My problem is the narrative and dialog. It seems as if the story was written in a language other than English. Then it was run through a translation program. The words are technically correct, but they would not be normally used by English speakers.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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The story was written in English but by a second hand English speaker:) Thank you so much for your honest feedback and good luck with your writings.
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You are welcome. Keep writing. Thank you for the explanation.
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello fellow writer, a wonderful Wednesday to you. I hope this review finds you well. Thank you for sharing your short story with us. I think you executed well within the rules of the contest. Good job and good luck.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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Hello fellow writer, a wonderful Wednesday to you. I hope this review finds you well. Thank you for sharing your short story with us. I think you executed well within the rules of the contest. Good job and good luck.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review and for the good luck wishes:)
