A Shadow On The Street
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "A Cold Morning."One man's blessing can be another's curse.
17 total reviews
Comment from country ranch writer
I wish more people like him care and would help folks who are down and out like these folks. Children need warm food in there stomachs and a warn place to sleep no mater how humble the suroundings.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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I wish more people like him care and would help folks who are down and out like these folks. Children need warm food in there stomachs and a warn place to sleep no mater how humble the suroundings.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
-
Hello, my friend! Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from shaffer40
Intriguing what happens when someone goes out of his way to help, when most people are afraid to get involved.
I am happy to help with this chapter. I made some corrections and suggestions below to make the writing more concise and stronger.
*************************************************
The temperature is fourteen-degrees,
Omit hyphen: fourteen degrees
It gently caresses my face bringing a smile.
Comma needed after "face"
It gently caresses my face, bringing a smile
OR
evoking a smile
I can't remember it being this cold three-weeks before Thanksgiving."
No hyphen: three weeks
"To the bone," we both laugh.
"To the bone." We both laugh.
"Thank you, Tony," I whisper to him.
Suggest: "Thank you, Tony." I then whisper, "He has a gun and plans to
rob you."
I think he would express his thanks in a normal voice, then whisper his
notion that the guy's going to rob him.
"You plan on robbing, Tony.
Suggest: "You plan to rob Tony." Comma not necessary.
I turn to the young man and try to look him in the eye. Walking towards
him, I wonder if it was my blood I saw on the floor?
Suggest reword for different order; also omit question mark--not a
question.
I walk toward the armed young man, trying to make eye contact and
wondering if it was my blood I saw on the floor.
Caleb eases his hand out of the pocket without the gun. The thoughts of
robbing Tony are fading.
Improper to use different POV (point of view). Story in voice of writer, so
you can only speculate what is in the mind of another character.
Suggest: Caleb eases his hand away from his pocket, apparently having
second thoughts about robbing Tony.
"But I'm a black man, with a white wife and a mixed daughter.
Omit comma.
"I'm usually a quiet person," I chuckle. "Why don't you ask Kathy? We'll let
her decide."
Improper to use "chuckle" as speech.
Suggest chuckle is attributed to his declaration that he's quiet, so put
prior to statement that he's a quiet person.
I chuckle. "I'm usually a quiet person." I point toward the door. "Why
don't you let Kathy decide."
"Okay, I will." Caleb smiles, then walks to the door and leaves.
Suggest stronger if no quote.
Caleb smiles and walks outside.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Lew.
Need question mark.
"Not today, Aretha is putting a beef roast in the crockpot," we both
laugh.
Separate sentences and contraction.
"Not today. Aretha's putting a beef roast in the crockpot." We both
laugh.
I throw Tony a twenty and say, "Put the change on my account. I'll see
you tomorrow."
Suggest omit assignation.
I throw Tony a twenty. "Put the change on my account. I'll see you
tomorrow.
When I walk out of the door, the cold wind blows against an old blue
Chevy Impala.
Omit "of"; also, the cold wind does not start because of the walk out
the door. Reword:
Outside a cold wind is blowing against an old blue Chevy Impala.
We pull behind the crumbling old factory.
You don't indicate that you've entered the car.
Suggest: They invite me to join them in the car, and I direct Caleb to pull
behind the crumbling old factory.
OR
They welcome me into the car, and I direct Caleb to pull behind the
crumbling old factory.
I feel Amy's brown eyes study me. Kathy is very apprehensive. I don't
blame her.
Again, POV change. Also, avoid "very"--weakens the image.
Suggest: I feel Amy's brown eyes studying me intently. Understandably,
Kathy appears apprehensive.
"This way, my friends," I motion towards a series of steel doors.
Motion not an assignation.
Suggest: "This way, my friends." I motion towards a series of steel doors.
Caleb walks over to me and asks, "What do you do here?"
Suggest omit "walks over to me"
Caleb asks, "What do you do here?"
You are welcome here for as long as you need."
Suggest contraction; omit "for"; add what they need.
You're welcome here as long as you need the place."
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
|
Intriguing what happens when someone goes out of his way to help, when most people are afraid to get involved.
I am happy to help with this chapter. I made some corrections and suggestions below to make the writing more concise and stronger.
*************************************************
The temperature is fourteen-degrees,
Omit hyphen: fourteen degrees
It gently caresses my face bringing a smile.
Comma needed after "face"
It gently caresses my face, bringing a smile
OR
evoking a smile
I can't remember it being this cold three-weeks before Thanksgiving."
No hyphen: three weeks
"To the bone," we both laugh.
"To the bone." We both laugh.
"Thank you, Tony," I whisper to him.
Suggest: "Thank you, Tony." I then whisper, "He has a gun and plans to
rob you."
I think he would express his thanks in a normal voice, then whisper his
notion that the guy's going to rob him.
"You plan on robbing, Tony.
Suggest: "You plan to rob Tony." Comma not necessary.
I turn to the young man and try to look him in the eye. Walking towards
him, I wonder if it was my blood I saw on the floor?
Suggest reword for different order; also omit question mark--not a
question.
I walk toward the armed young man, trying to make eye contact and
wondering if it was my blood I saw on the floor.
Caleb eases his hand out of the pocket without the gun. The thoughts of
robbing Tony are fading.
Improper to use different POV (point of view). Story in voice of writer, so
you can only speculate what is in the mind of another character.
Suggest: Caleb eases his hand away from his pocket, apparently having
second thoughts about robbing Tony.
"But I'm a black man, with a white wife and a mixed daughter.
Omit comma.
"I'm usually a quiet person," I chuckle. "Why don't you ask Kathy? We'll let
her decide."
Improper to use "chuckle" as speech.
Suggest chuckle is attributed to his declaration that he's quiet, so put
prior to statement that he's a quiet person.
I chuckle. "I'm usually a quiet person." I point toward the door. "Why
don't you let Kathy decide."
"Okay, I will." Caleb smiles, then walks to the door and leaves.
Suggest stronger if no quote.
Caleb smiles and walks outside.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Lew.
Need question mark.
"Not today, Aretha is putting a beef roast in the crockpot," we both
laugh.
Separate sentences and contraction.
"Not today. Aretha's putting a beef roast in the crockpot." We both
laugh.
I throw Tony a twenty and say, "Put the change on my account. I'll see
you tomorrow."
Suggest omit assignation.
I throw Tony a twenty. "Put the change on my account. I'll see you
tomorrow.
When I walk out of the door, the cold wind blows against an old blue
Chevy Impala.
Omit "of"; also, the cold wind does not start because of the walk out
the door. Reword:
Outside a cold wind is blowing against an old blue Chevy Impala.
We pull behind the crumbling old factory.
You don't indicate that you've entered the car.
Suggest: They invite me to join them in the car, and I direct Caleb to pull
behind the crumbling old factory.
OR
They welcome me into the car, and I direct Caleb to pull behind the
crumbling old factory.
I feel Amy's brown eyes study me. Kathy is very apprehensive. I don't
blame her.
Again, POV change. Also, avoid "very"--weakens the image.
Suggest: I feel Amy's brown eyes studying me intently. Understandably,
Kathy appears apprehensive.
"This way, my friends," I motion towards a series of steel doors.
Motion not an assignation.
Suggest: "This way, my friends." I motion towards a series of steel doors.
Caleb walks over to me and asks, "What do you do here?"
Suggest omit "walks over to me"
Caleb asks, "What do you do here?"
You are welcome here for as long as you need."
Suggest contraction; omit "for"; add what they need.
You're welcome here as long as you need the place."
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
-
Many thanks for your kind words and all your help with this story. They are deeply appreciated!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
-
You're welcome for sure.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a great story. It is heartwarming. I know there are people who care about the trials of others, but I think they are few and far between. God Bless those who do.
I always enjoy your stories, Mike. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
|
This is a great story. It is heartwarming. I know there are people who care about the trials of others, but I think they are few and far between. God Bless those who do.
I always enjoy your stories, Mike. Nancy:)
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
-
Hi, Nancy! Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review.
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I think this is a warm-hearted story that stops just short of being sentimental. The growing homeless population should be on everyone's minds. I like how this emphasizes desperation and not a drug addiction, because of course there are examples of families who need opportunities and not just handouts. I like how Caleb asks what Lewis Bradley does, in that he is curious as to how or why someone would help, and not just sit waiting for a handout. Interesting idea of being able to see into the future, if only for five minutes of it.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
|
I think this is a warm-hearted story that stops just short of being sentimental. The growing homeless population should be on everyone's minds. I like how this emphasizes desperation and not a drug addiction, because of course there are examples of families who need opportunities and not just handouts. I like how Caleb asks what Lewis Bradley does, in that he is curious as to how or why someone would help, and not just sit waiting for a handout. Interesting idea of being able to see into the future, if only for five minutes of it.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
-
That five minutes could save your life. Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Interesting climax, it is hard to guess who will kill who, even if one carries a gun with a plan to kill, let us see who will rob of whom, and we are on the verge of question in this cold morning, well said, well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
|
Interesting climax, it is hard to guess who will kill who, even if one carries a gun with a plan to kill, let us see who will rob of whom, and we are on the verge of question in this cold morning, well said, well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
-
Hello, my friend! Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review.
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Bill Pinder
I'm giving you six stars for the combination of writing a believable story and expressing genuine faith in a practical way that helps people in this crazy world. Keep on writing!
Bill
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
 |
I'm giving you six stars for the combination of writing a believable story and expressing genuine faith in a practical way that helps people in this crazy world. Keep on writing!
Bill
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
-
Hello, my friend! Many thanks for your kind words and those shiny six stars. They are deeply appreciated!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Sally Law
I loved this and ache for more sixes to award you. I also am glad to see you writing more. Mike. You are very gifted writer, poet, and spiritually sound.
Sending you and your family my best today as always,
Sally xoxo
PS Just posted a faith-based poem you might enjoy. My testimony in a nutshell really. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
|
I loved this and ache for more sixes to award you. I also am glad to see you writing more. Mike. You are very gifted writer, poet, and spiritually sound.
Sending you and your family my best today as always,
Sally xoxo
PS Just posted a faith-based poem you might enjoy. My testimony in a nutshell really. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
-
Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review. I want to congratulate you on winning the story of the month. Great job!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
