Twenty ways to die
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Child"Is about twenty ways to die stupidly
10 total reviews
Comment from Mistydawn
This one was very sad but very realistic. Parents pushing their ideas, their wants, desires on to their children and the children crack, rebel under the pressure. This brought back a memory of a movie I saw years ago, must have been early 80's only it was PCP, not cocaine. It scared me so bad I never tried the stuff. Very nicely done.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2020
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This one was very sad but very realistic. Parents pushing their ideas, their wants, desires on to their children and the children crack, rebel under the pressure. This brought back a memory of a movie I saw years ago, must have been early 80's only it was PCP, not cocaine. It scared me so bad I never tried the stuff. Very nicely done.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2020
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Thank you so much Misty:)
Comment from JudyE
This is very powerful and beautifully written.
I've picked up a few small points: Please ignore them if you'd prefer.
gets now overloaded on your tinny essence, on your fragile beam - should be 'tiny'
to graciously bring them to play a classic piece on your family Grand Piano - I would use lower case for 'grand piano'
How can you tell your dear parents, which stubbornly pushed you for all these dreams, that the return on their investment is ZERO! - should there be a question mark at the end of the above?
You are so used to get everything - should be 'used to getting everything'
Out of the blue, you skip the classes; - should be 'you skip classes'
You came across these guys in school - you've changed tense here. It should be 'you come across'
One day you are so high, and when one of your buddies tells you: "if we open that window, we can fly for real!" - delete 'when' or link this to the next sentence.
You are again essence flying alone in the Universe - comma after 'essence'
You should've talked and helped them understand that life doesn't give you roses for free you need to earn them - period after 'free'
You thought that money can buy happiness - should be 'could buy happiness'
Now I can see that God send me a sign - should be 'sent me a sign'
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2019
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This is very powerful and beautifully written.
I've picked up a few small points: Please ignore them if you'd prefer.
gets now overloaded on your tinny essence, on your fragile beam - should be 'tiny'
to graciously bring them to play a classic piece on your family Grand Piano - I would use lower case for 'grand piano'
How can you tell your dear parents, which stubbornly pushed you for all these dreams, that the return on their investment is ZERO! - should there be a question mark at the end of the above?
You are so used to get everything - should be 'used to getting everything'
Out of the blue, you skip the classes; - should be 'you skip classes'
You came across these guys in school - you've changed tense here. It should be 'you come across'
One day you are so high, and when one of your buddies tells you: "if we open that window, we can fly for real!" - delete 'when' or link this to the next sentence.
You are again essence flying alone in the Universe - comma after 'essence'
You should've talked and helped them understand that life doesn't give you roses for free you need to earn them - period after 'free'
You thought that money can buy happiness - should be 'could buy happiness'
Now I can see that God send me a sign - should be 'sent me a sign'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2019
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Hi Judy and thank you so much for your kind review and for fixing my grammar errors.
Comment from tfawcus
A powerful piece of writing, Iza. In my years as a teacher, I have often seen this style of parenting. The consequences can be tragic, as in this case. My daughter's best friend suicided by jumping off the balcony of a tall building - different circumstances, but I can relate.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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A powerful piece of writing, Iza. In my years as a teacher, I have often seen this style of parenting. The consequences can be tragic, as in this case. My daughter's best friend suicided by jumping off the balcony of a tall building - different circumstances, but I can relate.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much, and my friend she jumped from twelve floor due to drugs. I was not there to stop her...
Comment from oliver818
Nice write, I enjoyed reading it. Your style is quite poetic and flows well, I think your message here is clear and a good one. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Nice write, I enjoyed reading it. Your style is quite poetic and flows well, I think your message here is clear and a good one. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much for your feedback 😊
Comment from lyenochka
This is so very sad. Every parent wonders if they are being the best they can in parenting. But the draw of drugs affects even very happy kids that had loving homes. My favorite part of this story was the glimpse of how a soul enters into earthly life.
"now overloaded on your tinny essence" (tiny?)
"Now I can see that God send me a sign" (sent)
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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This is so very sad. Every parent wonders if they are being the best they can in parenting. But the draw of drugs affects even very happy kids that had loving homes. My favorite part of this story was the glimpse of how a soul enters into earthly life.
"now overloaded on your tinny essence" (tiny?)
"Now I can see that God send me a sign" (sent)
Comment Written 12-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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Thank you for your feedback and what's up with your kitty cat story? I can wait to read some more:)
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Oh, you're so sweet to say so. I'll have to go back to work on that! ♥
Comment from royowen
I never expected our girls to fulfil our dreams, really, when I think of it, only their own, we simply wanted them to be happy. Were we perfect parents? There's no such thing, but we adored them, protected them, nurtured them, and made sure they knew there were rules to live by, as Christians we taught them they were infinitely precious to God. Very sensitively written, single children always project the illusion that they must be spoilt, and that is a possibility, my wife was accused of that, being an only chid, but that certainly wasn't true. I really enjoyed this, it is fiction anyway and certainly a possibility, I loved the essence floating around before and after. Well done, Iza, beautifully written, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : How the heck you('re) supposed to...2: You should have stopped and listen(ed)
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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I never expected our girls to fulfil our dreams, really, when I think of it, only their own, we simply wanted them to be happy. Were we perfect parents? There's no such thing, but we adored them, protected them, nurtured them, and made sure they knew there were rules to live by, as Christians we taught them they were infinitely precious to God. Very sensitively written, single children always project the illusion that they must be spoilt, and that is a possibility, my wife was accused of that, being an only chid, but that certainly wasn't true. I really enjoyed this, it is fiction anyway and certainly a possibility, I loved the essence floating around before and after. Well done, Iza, beautifully written, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : How the heck you('re) supposed to...2: You should have stopped and listen(ed)
Comment Written 12-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much Mr. Roy, and you are right not all kids that are the only child are spoiled, but some of them do end up in a bad place because of the unconditioned love.
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Well done
Comment from __Lou__
Firstly, there is some really great moments in this, some really deep thinking and it is really lovely to read. It's a relatable piece for both child and parent and I really enjoyed this! Great work. I did find a few errors though, you can see them below. I would focus on the structure of your sentences (syntax) and to pay attention to pointless words that make your writing clunky when it shouldn't be. Words like 'that' (which you use a lot) are often not needed (see examples below). Other than those points I really think this is a great piece of writing. Good job!
"In a spur of a moment" - I think it should be 'the spur of a moment'.
"How the heck you supposed" - add 'are' = how the heck ARE you...
"Snow White - cocaine. " - I don't think it's necessary to clarify that it's cocaine, I think after 'Miss Weed' it's pretty obvious.
"and when one of your buddies tells you" - I don't think you need 'and when' it makes the sentence confusing, consider removing it.
"this thing funny" - remove 'thing', it is not needed and ruins the flow.
"then pitch darkness" - I don't think this term suits, consider 'pitch black' or simply 'darkness' which I prefer.
"You are again essence flying alone in the Universe." - *AN essence
"your parents and they are sad." - I think it would be more impactful if you leave it short and punchy, removing 'and' would achieve this. = 'your parents; they are sad.'
"You should've stopped and listen." - *listened
"They thought that money can buy everything." - *could -since you use past tense 'thought' you also need to use past tense 'could'. This goes for the next line too "you thought that money can buy" - 'can' needs to be *could.
"and especially money that you have not to sweat..." - you need to rewrite this sentence because it is grammatically incorrect. Consider, 'especially money you didn't have to sweat over' or 'money you wasted no swear getting'.
"to be born again" - add comma , after 'again'.
"or should I say" - add comma , after 'say'. I also think you should remove 'under' as it makes the sentence a little clunky
"saying:" Bro, my..." - change position of " to - saying: "bro my life," (comma after 'life').
"At that time when I heard that" - *at THE time, because you say 'that' again right after and it makes the sentence displeasing to read.
"that this is so poetic" - remove 'that' and add quotation marks *"this is so poetic".
"that God send me a sign," - *sent
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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Firstly, there is some really great moments in this, some really deep thinking and it is really lovely to read. It's a relatable piece for both child and parent and I really enjoyed this! Great work. I did find a few errors though, you can see them below. I would focus on the structure of your sentences (syntax) and to pay attention to pointless words that make your writing clunky when it shouldn't be. Words like 'that' (which you use a lot) are often not needed (see examples below). Other than those points I really think this is a great piece of writing. Good job!
"In a spur of a moment" - I think it should be 'the spur of a moment'.
"How the heck you supposed" - add 'are' = how the heck ARE you...
"Snow White - cocaine. " - I don't think it's necessary to clarify that it's cocaine, I think after 'Miss Weed' it's pretty obvious.
"and when one of your buddies tells you" - I don't think you need 'and when' it makes the sentence confusing, consider removing it.
"this thing funny" - remove 'thing', it is not needed and ruins the flow.
"then pitch darkness" - I don't think this term suits, consider 'pitch black' or simply 'darkness' which I prefer.
"You are again essence flying alone in the Universe." - *AN essence
"your parents and they are sad." - I think it would be more impactful if you leave it short and punchy, removing 'and' would achieve this. = 'your parents; they are sad.'
"You should've stopped and listen." - *listened
"They thought that money can buy everything." - *could -since you use past tense 'thought' you also need to use past tense 'could'. This goes for the next line too "you thought that money can buy" - 'can' needs to be *could.
"and especially money that you have not to sweat..." - you need to rewrite this sentence because it is grammatically incorrect. Consider, 'especially money you didn't have to sweat over' or 'money you wasted no swear getting'.
"to be born again" - add comma , after 'again'.
"or should I say" - add comma , after 'say'. I also think you should remove 'under' as it makes the sentence a little clunky
"saying:" Bro, my..." - change position of " to - saying: "bro my life," (comma after 'life').
"At that time when I heard that" - *at THE time, because you say 'that' again right after and it makes the sentence displeasing to read.
"that this is so poetic" - remove 'that' and add quotation marks *"this is so poetic".
"that God send me a sign," - *sent
Comment Written 12-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2019
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Thank you for your honest feedback:)
Comment from Patty Palmer
Very good! You picked up on just about every scenario, one right after the other. Why is it that kids tend to think skipping school is a great idea. It only leaves more time to sit around and get high. One thing goes to the next thing and so on and so on. Good job!'
Patty
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2019
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Very good! You picked up on just about every scenario, one right after the other. Why is it that kids tend to think skipping school is a great idea. It only leaves more time to sit around and get high. One thing goes to the next thing and so on and so on. Good job!'
Patty
Comment Written 12-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2019
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This story is inspire but a real thing, one of my friends from University decided to die by jumping from a twelve floor when she was high. I kept her safe as long as I could, but in the summer vacation I was away and she just jumped.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Iza. Your story has a lot of insight into the relationships between parent and child. Your narrative is so accurate as decisions are made and life turns into a bumpy road. Sometimes we can just hold on. We have decisions we make every day of our lives. One bad decision can change a life forever; just like your story says. Very well written. Robert
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2019
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Hello Iza. Your story has a lot of insight into the relationships between parent and child. Your narrative is so accurate as decisions are made and life turns into a bumpy road. Sometimes we can just hold on. We have decisions we make every day of our lives. One bad decision can change a life forever; just like your story says. Very well written. Robert
Comment Written 11-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2019
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How I wish this will be just my imagination, but I had a friend that decided to die like this.
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That is a sad situation.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is horrible. It started out just profound, but with certain questions about life that many of us ask or address. But then it turned into a real waste of at least three lives, since the parents were wrecked as well as the teenager. Unfortunately, I guess it is somewhat of a common occurrence. I gave it six stars because it's brilliantly written, and if released to the public could perhaps provide a glimmer of hope for the parents to learn from.
potential SPAG:
Do you really mean tinny essence? or tiny
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2019
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This is horrible. It started out just profound, but with certain questions about life that many of us ask or address. But then it turned into a real waste of at least three lives, since the parents were wrecked as well as the teenager. Unfortunately, I guess it is somewhat of a common occurrence. I gave it six stars because it's brilliantly written, and if released to the public could perhaps provide a glimmer of hope for the parents to learn from.
potential SPAG:
Do you really mean tinny essence? or tiny
Comment Written 11-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2019
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Thank you so much for stopping by and reading, I really feel that most of the kids are falling apart because of the pressure that they receive from their parents.
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I agree wholeheartedly with this one line summary of the heart of your text.
maybe you could introduce that as an introductory, or ending point,
