A Lonely Soul
A man who it is alone as it is.6 total reviews
Comment from JudyE
I enjoyed reading your story. It can be really hard to help some people and you've shown this with Alisha and Tom. If you don't mind me saying so, I think you could improve your writing by looking at the sentence beginnings and trying to vary them a bit.
In the following, you have used 'she' twice and 'he' twice.
She told him that she wanted to help him. He saw that she was crying to do good on him, but he said that he never wanted her help. He explained to her why, because they won't ever understand him. It is already done. She tried once again, but he advised her not to help him. and leave it as it is.
Perhaps you could say 'When she told him that she wanted to help him, and although he could see she was trying to do good, he said that he never wanted her help. He explained that he believed they would never understand him. It was already done. She tried once again, but he advised her not to help him, but to leave it as it is.
Please ignore my suggestions if they don't sit well with you.
He saw that she was crying - should be 'trying'
Good luck
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2019
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I enjoyed reading your story. It can be really hard to help some people and you've shown this with Alisha and Tom. If you don't mind me saying so, I think you could improve your writing by looking at the sentence beginnings and trying to vary them a bit.
In the following, you have used 'she' twice and 'he' twice.
She told him that she wanted to help him. He saw that she was crying to do good on him, but he said that he never wanted her help. He explained to her why, because they won't ever understand him. It is already done. She tried once again, but he advised her not to help him. and leave it as it is.
Perhaps you could say 'When she told him that she wanted to help him, and although he could see she was trying to do good, he said that he never wanted her help. He explained that he believed they would never understand him. It was already done. She tried once again, but he advised her not to help him, but to leave it as it is.
Please ignore my suggestions if they don't sit well with you.
He saw that she was crying - should be 'trying'
Good luck
Comment Written 12-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2019
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Thank you! I will fix the mistakes. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from Sallyo
This is a nicely conceived story of one of those no-win situations. The characters come across well, and the situation is a sad one. Alishia will just have to accept some people can't or won't be helped.
The problem with this story is in the editing. The tense changes constantly, and at least one sentence isn't finished.
She was just angry at him for his mistakes in his former. They begin to talk to each other. She offered her friendship to him.
In his former what?
The tense changes from past to present to past in just those two lines!
Better, but still changes at the end and in this line. He graduated with no friends. He has lived his life lonely for almost thirty years.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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This is a nicely conceived story of one of those no-win situations. The characters come across well, and the situation is a sad one. Alishia will just have to accept some people can't or won't be helped.
The problem with this story is in the editing. The tense changes constantly, and at least one sentence isn't finished.
She was just angry at him for his mistakes in his former. They begin to talk to each other. She offered her friendship to him.
In his former what?
The tense changes from past to present to past in just those two lines!
Better, but still changes at the end and in this line. He graduated with no friends. He has lived his life lonely for almost thirty years.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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Thanks! I will change it.
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I have fixed the mistakes. You can check it again. Thanks!
Comment from Sandra Ludwick
Thank you for sharing your thoughts through your story. Although the story line was ok, you need to check your tenses. I would suggest you review what you have written.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts through your story. Although the story line was ok, you need to check your tenses. I would suggest you review what you have written.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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Thanks! I will. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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I have fixed the mistakes. You can check it again. Thanks!
Comment from Cindy Warren
That's sad. Tom will probably always be alone, and he will always bully people because he doesn't know any other way. You can't help some people. Alisha had the courage to try, and that's not a failure. Good luck in the contest,
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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That's sad. Tom will probably always be alone, and he will always bully people because he doesn't know any other way. You can't help some people. Alisha had the courage to try, and that's not a failure. Good luck in the contest,
Comment Written 08-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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I agree it is sad. Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
Comment from Brenda Elizabeth Rose
Interesting tale of Tom and Alisha childhood story of Tom being a bully. She trying to help him but it fails. Well done. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. ~Brenda
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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Interesting tale of Tom and Alisha childhood story of Tom being a bully. She trying to help him but it fails. Well done. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. ~Brenda
Comment Written 08-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
Comment from Bill Schott
This short story, A Lonely Soul, touches on the issue of guilt and insular living which tends to isolate a person within his or her ever-negative perception of self or the world at large. What Alishia can do for Tom is continue to offer a hand to bring him back into the world.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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This short story, A Lonely Soul, touches on the issue of guilt and insular living which tends to isolate a person within his or her ever-negative perception of self or the world at large. What Alishia can do for Tom is continue to offer a hand to bring him back into the world.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2019
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Thanks! I agree with you that Alishia should do that. I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
