Fireside Tales
Be careful who you love.7 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is a rather gory story of revenge, my friend. It is well written within the prescribed length given, Best wishes in the contest~Debbie
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2019
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This is a rather gory story of revenge, my friend. It is well written within the prescribed length given, Best wishes in the contest~Debbie
Comment Written 23-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2019
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Thank you
Comment from brenda bickers
Oh my goodness,
this was just wonderful. what a bone chilling story. And they say there is nothing like a woman scorned. I think he got his revenge good and proper.
Well done on this one.
Brenda.x
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2019
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Oh my goodness,
this was just wonderful. what a bone chilling story. And they say there is nothing like a woman scorned. I think he got his revenge good and proper.
Well done on this one.
Brenda.x
Comment Written 23-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2019
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Glad you liked it.
Comment from JLR
Writer, I would never want to cross you in any manner, revenge wholly molly! You certainly have the flare for the words, the science, the tension and shear anger one might have. But the smell of searing flesh.....that would prevent me for going that far
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Writer, I would never want to cross you in any manner, revenge wholly molly! You certainly have the flare for the words, the science, the tension and shear anger one might have. But the smell of searing flesh.....that would prevent me for going that far
Comment Written 23-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Thank you for your review I am so glad you liked it.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well this one certainly fills the requirements for the competition.
The story unfolds nicely, good pacing and sharp, taut action come the end.
A couple of things I noted down as I read through-
photo of his girl Billy Bob looked out the bus window. - possibly a comma after girl.
The world blurred as the vehicle moved along the pavement- maybe alongside rather than along. (it reads as if the vehicle is on the pavement)
of his county ranch and the most beautiful - should county be country here?
his dodge ram still parked- perhaps the make/model should be capitalised here.
Crawling down the dirt road, he strolled by taking in the night sounds. Sounds he had missed out on the road. Nothing sounded as good as it did back home. Turning off his lights, he timed the length left before shutting off the engine and coming to a rolled stop. - using strolled here gives the impression he's walking. It isn't necessary. You could say 'crawling down the dirt road, he took in...' As it is it reads a little awkward.
. Billy Bob moved around in the darkness slowly as not to make to much noise. - you could rephrase here using stronger verbs to eliminate the need for the adverb - crept, tiptoes, sidled and so on.
you're naked, in our bed, fucking some random guy - You're.
As Steve came to Billy Bob sat in the oversized- perhaps a comma after to.
the county boy knocked the competition out.- country?
Billy Bob reached down, securing the gags that kept his victims from defending themselves. - there's no mention of Steve having been bound or gagged, only punched in the face previously.
to take hold of the blondes eyelids, - blonde's.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Hi there,
Well this one certainly fills the requirements for the competition.
The story unfolds nicely, good pacing and sharp, taut action come the end.
A couple of things I noted down as I read through-
photo of his girl Billy Bob looked out the bus window. - possibly a comma after girl.
The world blurred as the vehicle moved along the pavement- maybe alongside rather than along. (it reads as if the vehicle is on the pavement)
of his county ranch and the most beautiful - should county be country here?
his dodge ram still parked- perhaps the make/model should be capitalised here.
Crawling down the dirt road, he strolled by taking in the night sounds. Sounds he had missed out on the road. Nothing sounded as good as it did back home. Turning off his lights, he timed the length left before shutting off the engine and coming to a rolled stop. - using strolled here gives the impression he's walking. It isn't necessary. You could say 'crawling down the dirt road, he took in...' As it is it reads a little awkward.
. Billy Bob moved around in the darkness slowly as not to make to much noise. - you could rephrase here using stronger verbs to eliminate the need for the adverb - crept, tiptoes, sidled and so on.
you're naked, in our bed, fucking some random guy - You're.
As Steve came to Billy Bob sat in the oversized- perhaps a comma after to.
the county boy knocked the competition out.- country?
Billy Bob reached down, securing the gags that kept his victims from defending themselves. - there's no mention of Steve having been bound or gagged, only punched in the face previously.
to take hold of the blondes eyelids, - blonde's.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 23-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Thank you for your help. I will fix the issues.
Comment from Elaine Chiodi
Violence can be just as disturbing in written form as in visual. This is a perfect example of wanting to turn away, but also wanting to know what happens in the end. Powerfully written... ...ec
Just one very small thing, "blondes" s/b "blonde's" just before "eyelids."
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Violence can be just as disturbing in written form as in visual. This is a perfect example of wanting to turn away, but also wanting to know what happens in the end. Powerfully written... ...ec
Just one very small thing, "blondes" s/b "blonde's" just before "eyelids."
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Thanks for catching the snag I will fix it.
Comment from Ricky1024
"Fireside Talse is a Best Served Cold Writing Prompt Contest Entry"
Rich in Theme and Imagery.
...
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues as well.
...
Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
...
Good luck with this and have a great week.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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"Fireside Talse is a Best Served Cold Writing Prompt Contest Entry"
Rich in Theme and Imagery.
...
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues as well.
...
Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
...
Good luck with this and have a great week.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Thank you
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
I have read several entries in this revenger served cold contest and I have to give it to you -- you are seriously serving up some revenge here. In the other posts I've read they are tinkering with paying people back... not you. You are giving it back big time. Well done. *smile*
Notes, if I may?
1.) around in the darkness slowly as not to make to(o) much noise.
2.) "Billy? B-b-b-baby it's not what it looks (like)," she stuttered.
3.) "Not what it looks like. (Y)ou're naked, in our bed, fucking some random guy(!)" he shouted.
4.) the count(r)y boy knocked the competition out.
5.) "Now my buddy Steve," he (said as he) pulled the poker out of the flames
6.) meaty fingers to take hold of the blonde(')s eyelids,
7.) "Now to finish my song(,)" he said, sitting back in the oversized recliner(.) "(N)ow to finish my song."
Very nice entry. I expect you to do really well int he voting. Please let me know when you edit and I'll pop back over and re-rate. Thanks so much and good luck!
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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Dear Mystery Writer,
I have read several entries in this revenger served cold contest and I have to give it to you -- you are seriously serving up some revenge here. In the other posts I've read they are tinkering with paying people back... not you. You are giving it back big time. Well done. *smile*
Notes, if I may?
1.) around in the darkness slowly as not to make to(o) much noise.
2.) "Billy? B-b-b-baby it's not what it looks (like)," she stuttered.
3.) "Not what it looks like. (Y)ou're naked, in our bed, fucking some random guy(!)" he shouted.
4.) the count(r)y boy knocked the competition out.
5.) "Now my buddy Steve," he (said as he) pulled the poker out of the flames
6.) meaty fingers to take hold of the blonde(')s eyelids,
7.) "Now to finish my song(,)" he said, sitting back in the oversized recliner(.) "(N)ow to finish my song."
Very nice entry. I expect you to do really well int he voting. Please let me know when you edit and I'll pop back over and re-rate. Thanks so much and good luck!
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019
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I am glad you liked it. Thank you so much for finding the errors. I have corrected them.
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welcome!
