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Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Awakening Pt. 2"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
3 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
And then he hits home run, right? I remember Canseco and McGwire the Oakland A's BASH Brothers! I like the humor about the Taco Bell dinner causing hallucinations. I'm not so sure how good a friend this Jules is, having sold his valuable toys and even as a teammate not being very encouraging.
I guess I'll have to wait to find out more about the phantom in bed.
I really liked how you started this post - very poetically merging the past experiences and the spooky meeting in the present. I found the third sentence a bit wordy:
"Ironically, in his mind, the uncomfortable chill of evil that stared down from atop his chest felt less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that replaced his early years gone by with the bitter relationships with both his father and older brother."
(I don't think you need "in his mind" because that's obvious. I like the "baptism of darkness." The "gone by" is redundant because we know it's already past."
So I suggest something like:
Ironically, the uneasy chill of evil that stared down from atop his chest felt less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that haunted his early years of bitter relationships with his father and older brother. [Again, just a suggestion. It's always your choice and you can ignore.]
I really liked:
"they seem like a pair of parallel lines "
"ire breaths."
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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And then he hits home run, right? I remember Canseco and McGwire the Oakland A's BASH Brothers! I like the humor about the Taco Bell dinner causing hallucinations. I'm not so sure how good a friend this Jules is, having sold his valuable toys and even as a teammate not being very encouraging.
I guess I'll have to wait to find out more about the phantom in bed.
I really liked how you started this post - very poetically merging the past experiences and the spooky meeting in the present. I found the third sentence a bit wordy:
"Ironically, in his mind, the uncomfortable chill of evil that stared down from atop his chest felt less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that replaced his early years gone by with the bitter relationships with both his father and older brother."
(I don't think you need "in his mind" because that's obvious. I like the "baptism of darkness." The "gone by" is redundant because we know it's already past."
So I suggest something like:
Ironically, the uneasy chill of evil that stared down from atop his chest felt less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that haunted his early years of bitter relationships with his father and older brother. [Again, just a suggestion. It's always your choice and you can ignore.]
I really liked:
"they seem like a pair of parallel lines "
"ire breaths."
Comment Written 18-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Helen! Thank you! I pondered this and read that paragraph over and over, even rewriting it over but couldn?t get the right sound. Another reviewer mentioned also, but still couldn?t make it sound right. Your suggestion helped me bring more clarity to the words I wanted to share. Thank you Thank you!
-Euell
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You are most welcome, Euell! Thanks for sharing your engaging story!
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I reread your paragraph changes and it's great!!
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Thank you, Helen. Could not had done it without your help :)
Have a safe, beautiful weekend!
Euell
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So gracious of you to say so!
You have a wonderful weekend, too!
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Review is re-view of anything read at or from any point, you have promoted so simply the incredible act or action of Nature that infinitely teaches man essence of natural living; well said, well done.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Review is re-view of anything read at or from any point, you have promoted so simply the incredible act or action of Nature that infinitely teaches man essence of natural living; well said, well done.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Thank you for the five. :)
Comment from Alex Rosel
I haven't read the previous chapters of this, so I come to it cold.
It's an intriguing read. The narrative has a somewhat ephemeral quality {thumbs up}. In places, I think you need to edit it in order to aid the reader.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Death stared into his eyes and he didn't realize it. El's past, buried under the negative memories of "what-if's" and empty promises, ironically, in his mind, makes the uncomfortable chill of evil that now stared down from atop his chest feel less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that inhales him. -- I find this cumbersome, and I needed to do a couple of double-takes to make sense of it. If this was mine, I'd reformat it as something like:
"Death stared into his eyes and he didn't realize it. El's past lay buried under the negative memories of "what-if's" and empty promises. Ironically, in his mind, the uncomfortable chill of evil stared down from atop his chest, feeling less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that inhales him."
She speaks in a demanding tone, desperate and harsh, which begins softly. -- Isn't this a contradiction. She speaks with a "harsh" and "demanding" tone. Yet she's speaking "softly".
Her second eye unfolds from behind her completely separated hair. -- Nice imagery {smiles}.
The pitcher was throwing heat in contrast to the mild temperature of the mid-October afternoon. -- I love this snippet. "Throwing heat"... {Smiles}
El ignores Jules to an equal degree than from the day after Jules sells the entirety of El's G.I. Joe and Transformers collection for a semester's worth of french fries. -- For me, this is awkward; it's overwritten. I'd opt for something simpler, like:
"El ignores Jules. Just like the day Jules sold the entirety of El's G.I. Joe and Transformers collection for a semester's worth of french fries."
Also, are you saying Jules sold El's collection???
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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I haven't read the previous chapters of this, so I come to it cold.
It's an intriguing read. The narrative has a somewhat ephemeral quality {thumbs up}. In places, I think you need to edit it in order to aid the reader.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Death stared into his eyes and he didn't realize it. El's past, buried under the negative memories of "what-if's" and empty promises, ironically, in his mind, makes the uncomfortable chill of evil that now stared down from atop his chest feel less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that inhales him. -- I find this cumbersome, and I needed to do a couple of double-takes to make sense of it. If this was mine, I'd reformat it as something like:
"Death stared into his eyes and he didn't realize it. El's past lay buried under the negative memories of "what-if's" and empty promises. Ironically, in his mind, the uncomfortable chill of evil stared down from atop his chest, feeling less frightening than the disturbing baptism of darkness that inhales him."
She speaks in a demanding tone, desperate and harsh, which begins softly. -- Isn't this a contradiction. She speaks with a "harsh" and "demanding" tone. Yet she's speaking "softly".
Her second eye unfolds from behind her completely separated hair. -- Nice imagery {smiles}.
The pitcher was throwing heat in contrast to the mild temperature of the mid-October afternoon. -- I love this snippet. "Throwing heat"... {Smiles}
El ignores Jules to an equal degree than from the day after Jules sells the entirety of El's G.I. Joe and Transformers collection for a semester's worth of french fries. -- For me, this is awkward; it's overwritten. I'd opt for something simpler, like:
"El ignores Jules. Just like the day Jules sold the entirety of El's G.I. Joe and Transformers collection for a semester's worth of french fries."
Also, are you saying Jules sold El's collection???
Comment Written 18-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Much appreciated. Yes, it was written quite hastily. Thank you for catching those issues and for taking the time to assist in the grammar.
And, to answer your question, Jules did sell his collection. But, in the story, the action had yet to be done. So, it was presented in the future tense. Thank you again for the kind review.
