Wintry Summer
Romance poem, free verse.18 total reviews
Comment from Raul1
I think that this poem has a very good chance of winning the contest! I like how you wrote this poem. It is very easy to read and understand. Excellent work! Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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I think that this poem has a very good chance of winning the contest! I like how you wrote this poem. It is very easy to read and understand. Excellent work! Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much.
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You're welcome.
Comment from NickieT
This poem does a wonderful of displaying the contrast of new love compared with an older love that is not all that it seems. I feel like this poem flirts with several interpretations of the character's love - leaving us wondering if her partner changed or if just her outlook changed once the puppy love wore off.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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This poem does a wonderful of displaying the contrast of new love compared with an older love that is not all that it seems. I feel like this poem flirts with several interpretations of the character's love - leaving us wondering if her partner changed or if just her outlook changed once the puppy love wore off.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Beautiful poem and I really liked this part :"
Caution and wisdom drifting away
in those breezy days,
I stumbled.
The carefree mask fell". Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Beautiful poem and I really liked this part :"
Caution and wisdom drifting away
in those breezy days,
I stumbled.
The carefree mask fell". Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
I like your poem. It brings out the romance in its glory. The summer turns into winter because of the chill that creeps into the heart. I can see where that could happen. God luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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I like your poem. It brings out the romance in its glory. The summer turns into winter because of the chill that creeps into the heart. I can see where that could happen. God luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Wonderful! You have composed an excellent poem about love, you are happy with her love, as her smile is summer to you, and her warmth acts comforting in your wintry days; well said, well done.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Wonderful! You have composed an excellent poem about love, you are happy with her love, as her smile is summer to you, and her warmth acts comforting in your wintry days; well said, well done.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much.
Comment from robyn corum
Sanku,
Okay. We're both grownups, right? So I can be honest.
I am not a huge fan of this post. Mainly because I have a piece in this contest, myself. And I'm prrreeetttyyy sure your poem blows MY poem out of the water. Yep. Preeeettttty positive.
BUT. I will not hold that against you. Not right now, anyway.
I will tell you that I do think you could still make some improvements.
Right now, your punctuation (and a couple small question marks) makes your piece a bit less understandable, and less effective emotionally than it could be. (IMO)
May I offer some suggestions? Of course, you are welcome to consider them or toss them. *smile*
Here's your unedited version:
*
Your smile was summer to me.
My wintry days sun drenched with
your love warming my heart.
I dreamt of a life long dance.
Caution and wisdom drifting away
in those breezy days,
I stumbled.
The carefree mask fell.
The drone of the bees
flitting from lavender to lavender
after kissing the blushing roses,
the exuberance of the song birds
and the gently flirting wind-
even with the sunshine
chill creeps into my heart
turning my summer
wintry.
*
And with suggested edits:
Your smile was summer to me.
My wintry days sun(-)drenched with
your love warming my heart.
I dreamt of a life long dance.
Caution and wisdom (drifted) away
in those breezy days(...before)
I stumbled.
(When your) carefree mask fell.
(Now, t)he drone of bees
flitting from lavender to lavender
after kissing the blushing roses,
the exuberance of song birds(,)
the gently flirting wind(,)
and even the sunshine
(can't warm the) chill (that) creeps into my heart
turning my summer
wintry.
*
Even if you do not like my suggestions, perhaps you'll see where I'm headed ?? Thank you for your time, and again, I hope you'll see I'm sincere in my hope to help and not to offend.
I think your entry is close to brilliant. I'd be more happy if you deactivated it, actually. *smile* But instead, I'll wish you good luck!
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Sanku,
Okay. We're both grownups, right? So I can be honest.
I am not a huge fan of this post. Mainly because I have a piece in this contest, myself. And I'm prrreeetttyyy sure your poem blows MY poem out of the water. Yep. Preeeettttty positive.
BUT. I will not hold that against you. Not right now, anyway.
I will tell you that I do think you could still make some improvements.
Right now, your punctuation (and a couple small question marks) makes your piece a bit less understandable, and less effective emotionally than it could be. (IMO)
May I offer some suggestions? Of course, you are welcome to consider them or toss them. *smile*
Here's your unedited version:
*
Your smile was summer to me.
My wintry days sun drenched with
your love warming my heart.
I dreamt of a life long dance.
Caution and wisdom drifting away
in those breezy days,
I stumbled.
The carefree mask fell.
The drone of the bees
flitting from lavender to lavender
after kissing the blushing roses,
the exuberance of the song birds
and the gently flirting wind-
even with the sunshine
chill creeps into my heart
turning my summer
wintry.
*
And with suggested edits:
Your smile was summer to me.
My wintry days sun(-)drenched with
your love warming my heart.
I dreamt of a life long dance.
Caution and wisdom (drifted) away
in those breezy days(...before)
I stumbled.
(When your) carefree mask fell.
(Now, t)he drone of bees
flitting from lavender to lavender
after kissing the blushing roses,
the exuberance of song birds(,)
the gently flirting wind(,)
and even the sunshine
(can't warm the) chill (that) creeps into my heart
turning my summer
wintry.
*
Even if you do not like my suggestions, perhaps you'll see where I'm headed ?? Thank you for your time, and again, I hope you'll see I'm sincere in my hope to help and not to offend.
I think your entry is close to brilliant. I'd be more happy if you deactivated it, actually. *smile* But instead, I'll wish you good luck!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much for your detailed review .I appreciate the trouble you have taken to read and write such a sincere review.
I was not sure if it was 'sun-drenched' or sun drenched or if it can be sundrenched.The third one I discarded because I got a red line under .but both the other options were accepte without underlining.Thank you for making it clearer.I will change 'drifting to drifted and use your suggestions regarding the punctuations.I did think about using no punctuations and writing in the authors note 'lack of punctuation intended'!! Thanks Robyn
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I think the edits are fab.
Now I like your poem even less. Congrats on the win.
--sigh--
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smile. i wont raise to that bait .I just read yours and yours is quite different and amusing.
but there are some really fantastic ones.
Comment from moonsunrise
The imagery you selected is captivating yet chilling as is your poem.
I can visualize how a warm summer could result in a wintry feel. Especially after the "carefree mask fell".
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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The imagery you selected is captivating yet chilling as is your poem.
I can visualize how a warm summer could result in a wintry feel. Especially after the "carefree mask fell".
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much.
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Your welcome.
Comment from Janice Canerdy
Your well-written, vividly-descriptive poem movingly describes the loss of joy and the reason for that loss--which changed summer to winter in her heart. Excellent use of lively figurative language
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
|
Your well-written, vividly-descriptive poem movingly describes the loss of joy and the reason for that loss--which changed summer to winter in her heart. Excellent use of lively figurative language
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
-
Thank you very much.
