Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

This is very dark and heavy... hard to read. Who is this kid who would do such horrible things? Must be insane to go that far for no reason I can see. I missed the beginning, which might explain it. I'll go back and take a look.

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

Thank you so much for reading my chapter.
Jeremy is a kid that was picked on all through school. The bullies, Jeff, Paul, Tony, and the others made his life hell. He recently found out the love of his life is carrying Paul's child. Paul and Jeremy have a confrontation. Jeff and Tony kidnap Jeremy. Paul takes Jessica. I hope the brief summary helps.
Thank you again for all your support, your friendship. It means a lot to me, always. Take care.

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 20-Sep-2019

Thanks for the info. Might be too dark, too extreme, for my sensitive soul. I know it's only a story, but it sounds realistic, and it's very upsetting to this old lady.

reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

I'm hoping someone reading this will reach out to someone being bullied, maybe take a stand. Use my voice for the good for a change.

Comment from Cindy Warren

Excellent

I like the first part. Now I understand how Jessica ended up with Paul. She's only guilty of being gullible. The second part is a bit unbelievable. Barry wants to help Jeremy, so perhaps he needs to find another way. I don't have a gun, but if I did there's no way I'd give it to a stranger, risk him shooting someone, and have the gun traced back to me. And does Jeremy run all the way to Paul's cabin in his condition?

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

Thank you so much for reading my chapter. I'm glad you liked the first part, I added it just for your, advice from your review. I wouldn't give my weapon (if I owned one) away either. Barry is a back hill, believes in southern justice, taking care of his own type of man. Maybe I should make that clearer. Your reviews are always great food for thought.
Thank you again for your helpful review. It's always greatly appreciated, take care.

reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

Hello again. So this is what I've added. I hope it gives a little insight into Barry. Please let me know what you think.
He's all for souther justice if it's deserved. Let the punishment fit the crime, his mama use to say.
His daddy's voice replays in his head. A man takes care of his own. I know dad, I know.
Does that make it more believable?

reply by Cindy Warren on 20-Sep-2019

That's better. but by giving Jeremy the gun he's making himself an accessory. I'm not sure what you have planned. If Paul doesn't die, does it spoil your story? Could Barry and Jeremy rescue Jessica, shoot Paul's tire and take his phone? That way you don't have Jeremy running to Paul's cabin after a bad beating.

Comment from Robert Zimmerman

Excellent

Hey Mistydawn. You do pack action into your stories. I found some things that you may want to consider reviewing.
"This (would've) have happened (change to wouldn't)
"The two (jumps)" (change to jump)
"The two (was)" (were)
These are small changes. See what you think. :) Robert

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

Thank you so much for reading the chapter and for catching my mistakes. You're right that does sound, work better. There is plenty more action to come. Jeremy has a score to settle. He also gets a huge, life-altering surprise.
Thank you again for all your help and support. It always means a lot to me, take care.

reply by Robert Zimmerman on 20-Sep-2019

You're welcome. :)

Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent

Realistically portrayed the plot progression for thematic appreciation, characters, words, dialogues are realistic, voicing helps for survival on gun point is literally keen and passionately expressed; movement is lively exposed; well said, well done.

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

Thank you so much for all your encouraging words. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. That it seemed believable realistic to you. That means a lot to me.
Thank you again for all your help and support, take care.

Comment from Alex Rosel

Excellent

This is full five-star action, and it has a neat ending, just begging the reader to turn the page {smiles}.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

This would've have happened if I hadn't wanted to be with Paul -- Do you mean "This wouldn't have happened"?

Being the nerd of the bunch she never fit in and wouldn't be there now if it wasn't for her best friend. -- If this was mine, I'd add a comma after "of the bunch".

"It probably wouldn't hurt. You take his top half and I'll take the bottom. The two start to reach for him when a tall dark shadow steps out of the woods. -- Spag? Missing closing quotation mark?

There's only one in the chamber so use it wisely -- Foreshadowing? If so, it's neat {smiles}.

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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for catching my mistakes. Only one comma error, maybe there's hope for me yet, lol.
Thank you again for all your help, support and encouragement. It means a lot to me, take care.

Comment from country ranch writer

Excellent

They have both been through the mill causing them much bodily harm but the are determined to get through this. Her shining knight has come to save her.

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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

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reply by the author on 20-Sep-2019

Thank you so much for reading my chapter. Yes, these two have been through a lot, but you know what they say, love conquers all.
Thank you again for your great review, take care.