A Ghost Slammed The Door
Presence of a ghost appearance.8 total reviews
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
Well, that was quite an experience. I've heard of people talking about lights turning on and off, doors slamming and things dropping. I've also heard of people called ghost chasers who talk to spirits, go to graveyards, and try to photograph them. I was invited to go on one of these excursions. I declined. They are definitely not the spirit or spirits that I want to see and talk to. I really like how you've presented this and brought it forth. Great job and well done!
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2019
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Well, that was quite an experience. I've heard of people talking about lights turning on and off, doors slamming and things dropping. I've also heard of people called ghost chasers who talk to spirits, go to graveyards, and try to photograph them. I was invited to go on one of these excursions. I declined. They are definitely not the spirit or spirits that I want to see and talk to. I really like how you've presented this and brought it forth. Great job and well done!
Comment Written 17-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2019
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Thank you! I'm so happy that you enjoyed my story!
Comment from Mia Twysted
It is a very sweet story and I loved reading it.
All the "she('s)" at the beginning was overwhelming. Is there a way that you could vary the sentence beginnings?
Also during the dialog, I think it may flow a little easier if you don't say "Annie said" and "Mama said" at the end of each line. The conversation is only between two people so it is not hard to get lost on who is saying what.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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It is a very sweet story and I loved reading it.
All the "she('s)" at the beginning was overwhelming. Is there a way that you could vary the sentence beginnings?
Also during the dialog, I think it may flow a little easier if you don't say "Annie said" and "Mama said" at the end of each line. The conversation is only between two people so it is not hard to get lost on who is saying what.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Thank you! I think that you're right about my dialogue. It does get confusing to my readers. I will fix the changes. Thanks for letting me know. I'm so happy that you enjoyed my story!
Comment from Peter Nwaobi
I, just like Annie does not believe in ghosts... However, I did enjoy this fiction. You found a way of getting me enthralled in the story, I forgot it was just an unbelievable fiction....
I spotted a minor update...
"Yes, I *Will also. I love you, mom!" Annie cried..... will with the small letter
Well-done and best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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I, just like Annie does not believe in ghosts... However, I did enjoy this fiction. You found a way of getting me enthralled in the story, I forgot it was just an unbelievable fiction....
I spotted a minor update...
"Yes, I *Will also. I love you, mom!" Annie cried..... will with the small letter
Well-done and best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Thanks! Thank you for the encouragement! I have fixed the mistake.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I like the story here a lot. Most entries I've read so far for this contest are sinister in tone. This entry is more incline to be inspirational. That's neatly done {smiles}.
Having said that, I think a series of minor errors detract from your piece. Granted, you may have posted it in a hurry, but I'm sure you'd have picked up on these slips had you given it a thorough re-read before posting.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
The door slammed, echoing the long hall. -- You've mis-typed the first sentence from the contest's remit. You've omitted "down".
She checked outside, but no one was outside at present. -- Here, I'd omit "at present". It's superfluous. She wouldn't be checking to see if anyone wasn't outside 20 minutes ago.
She has been dead for about nine years ago -- Spag? Nix the "ago".
"I know. I just wanted to check up on how well my daughter has been." mom replied. -- Spag? Capitalize "Mom".
I am happily married to a husband and have for children. -- Spag? I think you mean "four" and not "for".
Annie's mom went up in the clouds flying with her angel wings. Annie waved her bye. So did her mom. -- This is ambiguous. Is Annie's mom waving herself goodbye?
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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I like the story here a lot. Most entries I've read so far for this contest are sinister in tone. This entry is more incline to be inspirational. That's neatly done {smiles}.
Having said that, I think a series of minor errors detract from your piece. Granted, you may have posted it in a hurry, but I'm sure you'd have picked up on these slips had you given it a thorough re-read before posting.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
The door slammed, echoing the long hall. -- You've mis-typed the first sentence from the contest's remit. You've omitted "down".
She checked outside, but no one was outside at present. -- Here, I'd omit "at present". It's superfluous. She wouldn't be checking to see if anyone wasn't outside 20 minutes ago.
She has been dead for about nine years ago -- Spag? Nix the "ago".
"I know. I just wanted to check up on how well my daughter has been." mom replied. -- Spag? Capitalize "Mom".
I am happily married to a husband and have for children. -- Spag? I think you mean "four" and not "for".
Annie's mom went up in the clouds flying with her angel wings. Annie waved her bye. So did her mom. -- This is ambiguous. Is Annie's mom waving herself goodbye?
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Thank you! I'm glad you'd enjoyed my story! I have fixed the mistakes.
Comment from Hitcher
It would be a thing to behold, seeing a ghost but seeing a ghost of ones dead mother... how awesome would that be : )
I saw a couple of nits:
It was her mother's old scarf. How could it be? She has been dead for about nine years *ago* change ago for now
"I am happily married to a husband and have *for* children. For should be four
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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It would be a thing to behold, seeing a ghost but seeing a ghost of ones dead mother... how awesome would that be : )
I saw a couple of nits:
It was her mother's old scarf. How could it be? She has been dead for about nine years *ago* change ago for now
"I am happily married to a husband and have *for* children. For should be four
Comment Written 16-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Thank you! I'm so happy you enjoyed my story! I have fixed the mistakes.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
There's much sadness in these words but there is comfort derived from this encounter so that the daughter can move on and enjoy life before it is her turn to go to heaven, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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There's much sadness in these words but there is comfort derived from this encounter so that the daughter can move on and enjoy life before it is her turn to go to heaven, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 16-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Thank you! I'm so happy you enjoyed my story!
Comment from DonandVicki
I have read most of the entries in the contest and I like yours the best. You have created dialogue that pulls the reader into the story quickly. Very original.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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I have read most of the entries in the contest and I like yours the best. You have created dialogue that pulls the reader into the story quickly. Very original.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Thank you! Thanks for the encouragement! I'm so happy you enjoyed my story!
Comment from Y. M. Roger
First, be sure to quickly pop back in there and correct your contest sentence -- you're missing 'down'. ;) This is a very unique offering for the contest - how cool a ghost of long-departed mom!! I have included some grammatical catches below and there may be more afterwards... :) Thank you for sharing and best of luck in the contest! ;)
outside the present --> outside at present
door was slammed --> door had slammed
She has been dead for about --> She died about
Maybe, Annie's mom --> Maybe Annie's mom
her. She doesn't --> her. [new paragraph here] She doesn't
female like form --> female-like form
appears that it's her mom, who wanted to --> appeared to be her mom wanting to
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2019
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First, be sure to quickly pop back in there and correct your contest sentence -- you're missing 'down'. ;) This is a very unique offering for the contest - how cool a ghost of long-departed mom!! I have included some grammatical catches below and there may be more afterwards... :) Thank you for sharing and best of luck in the contest! ;)
outside the present --> outside at present
door was slammed --> door had slammed
She has been dead for about --> She died about
Maybe, Annie's mom --> Maybe Annie's mom
her. She doesn't --> her. [new paragraph here] She doesn't
female like form --> female-like form
appears that it's her mom, who wanted to --> appeared to be her mom wanting to
Comment Written 15-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2019
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Thank you! I will fix the mistakes. I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
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I have fixed the mistakes. Thanks!
