Monica
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Monica Chapter 10"A woman becomes fixated on Rob
10 total reviews
Comment from susand3022
I wonder how she's going to pull that one off, Rox! Seems to me that he's going to be more concerned about his wife than wanting to attend some stupid dinner party for a self-centered debutant. She's going to be pissed! LOL I wonder what she'll do next? (EEEEEKKKK!!!!) :)
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2019
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I wonder how she's going to pull that one off, Rox! Seems to me that he's going to be more concerned about his wife than wanting to attend some stupid dinner party for a self-centered debutant. She's going to be pissed! LOL I wonder what she'll do next? (EEEEEKKKK!!!!) :)
Comment Written 17-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2019
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I' m also wondering what she will do next. =} I guess I'm going to have to do some actual thinking. Bummer! Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Sarah didn't pick up on the interest in Rob. I would think she would notice. Mostly because she was wondering why Monica had asked her to lunch. Monica poisoned her so she wouldn't be able to go to dinner. She wants Rob all to herself. Well done, Rox. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Sarah didn't pick up on the interest in Rob. I would think she would notice. Mostly because she was wondering why Monica had asked her to lunch. Monica poisoned her so she wouldn't be able to go to dinner. She wants Rob all to herself. Well done, Rox. Nancy:)
Comment Written 14-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2019
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Now to come up with what is next. =} I always fly by the seat of my pants when I write and then get stuck. =] Thank so much dear. Rox
Comment from JudyE
I hope you'll be putting up the next chapter soon. I'm really intrigued with 'what happens next'.
I picked up a few spags:
Maybe your imagaining the look in her eyes." - should be 'imagining'
But in Bozeman, he could become Chief of Police and from there, the Mayer. - spelling 'Mayor'
She would never push Rob like he needs to be to further his career. - I might have rearranged this to something like 'She would never push Rob like he needed if he was to further his career.'
Once again she wondered what Rob could have seen in Sarah - comma after 'again'
I fell like there is more behind it - should be 'I feel like..'
Monica's jag sat in the parking lot. - capital for 'jag'
It looked as if it had just been waxed, it glistened in the sunlight. - maybe 'Glistening in the sunlight, it looked as if it had just been waxed.'
As she approached the door, it opened and a smiling hostess greeted her. "Welcome to Olive B's' - double speech marks needed about 'B's'.
"Oh, I'm sorry. My water glass in wet. - should be 'is wet'
She was dressed in a silk, dove gray blouse with jeans - I would have written 'dove gray, silk blouse' but it's probably not important
Monica dominated the conversation, telling of her growing up years, bragging about her father and her trust fund allowing her - comma after 'father'
By the end of the lunch, Sarah knew much more about Monica but still had no idea as to why she wanted to have lunch with her. - maybe 'but still had no idea why she'd been invited to lunch.'
After they parted, and Sarah, thanked her for the meal, she couldn't help but smile when alone in her car. - delete comma after 'Sarah'
It seems I was more nervous then I wanted to admit. - should be 'than I wanted'
This is progressing very well. The spags are all minor.
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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I hope you'll be putting up the next chapter soon. I'm really intrigued with 'what happens next'.
I picked up a few spags:
Maybe your imagaining the look in her eyes." - should be 'imagining'
But in Bozeman, he could become Chief of Police and from there, the Mayer. - spelling 'Mayor'
She would never push Rob like he needs to be to further his career. - I might have rearranged this to something like 'She would never push Rob like he needed if he was to further his career.'
Once again she wondered what Rob could have seen in Sarah - comma after 'again'
I fell like there is more behind it - should be 'I feel like..'
Monica's jag sat in the parking lot. - capital for 'jag'
It looked as if it had just been waxed, it glistened in the sunlight. - maybe 'Glistening in the sunlight, it looked as if it had just been waxed.'
As she approached the door, it opened and a smiling hostess greeted her. "Welcome to Olive B's' - double speech marks needed about 'B's'.
"Oh, I'm sorry. My water glass in wet. - should be 'is wet'
She was dressed in a silk, dove gray blouse with jeans - I would have written 'dove gray, silk blouse' but it's probably not important
Monica dominated the conversation, telling of her growing up years, bragging about her father and her trust fund allowing her - comma after 'father'
By the end of the lunch, Sarah knew much more about Monica but still had no idea as to why she wanted to have lunch with her. - maybe 'but still had no idea why she'd been invited to lunch.'
After they parted, and Sarah, thanked her for the meal, she couldn't help but smile when alone in her car. - delete comma after 'Sarah'
It seems I was more nervous then I wanted to admit. - should be 'than I wanted'
This is progressing very well. The spags are all minor.
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Thank you, I think I made all the changes. =} Rox
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Whew! Withdrawal was beginning to set in! LoL! But now that I've had my "fix", I'm feeling so much better! Haha! Sooo...poison, eh? It will be interesting to see if Rob goes without Sarah!! Monica my end up quite disappointed. But knowing the sweetheart that Sarah is, she will convince Rob to go! I hope Monica's Plan will fall apart! I can't imagine how she might respond if she doesn't get her way!!! Uggghhhh!! :). Thanks for another brilliant chapter! Virtual 6 :(. So wish I had one! xoxo
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Whew! Withdrawal was beginning to set in! LoL! But now that I've had my "fix", I'm feeling so much better! Haha! Sooo...poison, eh? It will be interesting to see if Rob goes without Sarah!! Monica my end up quite disappointed. But knowing the sweetheart that Sarah is, she will convince Rob to go! I hope Monica's Plan will fall apart! I can't imagine how she might respond if she doesn't get her way!!! Uggghhhh!! :). Thanks for another brilliant chapter! Virtual 6 :(. So wish I had one! xoxo
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much Diana. =} Rox
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xoxox!!!
Comment from royowen
It's funny when a woman is friendly but when smiling, the smile doesn't reach the eyes, one meets people like that, mysteriously without friends, they'd be rare I would imagine. It's funny how the narcissistic mind works, completely self absorbed. I like your writing Rox, you choose excellent, imaginative stories, and write them so well. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Congressman(')s wife? 2: I (fell) like there is more behind...feel?
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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It's funny when a woman is friendly but when smiling, the smile doesn't reach the eyes, one meets people like that, mysteriously without friends, they'd be rare I would imagine. It's funny how the narcissistic mind works, completely self absorbed. I like your writing Rox, you choose excellent, imaginative stories, and write them so well. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Congressman(')s wife? 2: I (fell) like there is more behind...feel?
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Thanks so much Roy. I made the corrections. I don't know why I like writing about crazy people. I just don't understand it. =] Rox
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I like it
Comment from Alex Rosel
I've missed some of your posts in this series. However, I soon picked up on the the plot thread {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
"Maybe you can ask her at dinner." -- This assume the woman driving the Jag, and sending the invitation, is the same woman who drove who drove to the police station. Would Sarah know that information already? Maybe you ought to qualify this, something like:
"If it's the same woman, maybe you can ask her at dinner."
to Monica nothing but her refection was magnificent -- I like this snippet. It adds to the characterization of Monica.
he could become Chief of Police and from there, the Mayer -- Spag? I think you mean "Mayor" instead of "Mayer".
a stunning woman with her dark hair and vivid blues eyes -- Spag? Do you mean "blue eyes" instead of "blues eyes"?
It seems I was more nervous then I wanted to admit. -- Spag? I think you mean "than I wanted to admit" instead of "then I wanted to admit".
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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I've missed some of your posts in this series. However, I soon picked up on the the plot thread {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
"Maybe you can ask her at dinner." -- This assume the woman driving the Jag, and sending the invitation, is the same woman who drove who drove to the police station. Would Sarah know that information already? Maybe you ought to qualify this, something like:
"If it's the same woman, maybe you can ask her at dinner."
to Monica nothing but her refection was magnificent -- I like this snippet. It adds to the characterization of Monica.
he could become Chief of Police and from there, the Mayer -- Spag? I think you mean "Mayor" instead of "Mayer".
a stunning woman with her dark hair and vivid blues eyes -- Spag? Do you mean "blue eyes" instead of "blues eyes"?
It seems I was more nervous then I wanted to admit. -- Spag? I think you mean "than I wanted to admit" instead of "then I wanted to admit".
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Hi, thanks for all the helps. I went back and made corrections and rewrote parts. I hope it reads smoother now. Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
I'm so glad she just poisoned her not killed her. That might come next when she gets rejected. I sure hope not. The chapter is well-written, very interesting. Your characters really came to life and your dialogue seems real, believable great job.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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I'm so glad she just poisoned her not killed her. That might come next when she gets rejected. I sure hope not. The chapter is well-written, very interesting. Your characters really came to life and your dialogue seems real, believable great job.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Not to figure out whats next. I am one who rarely thinks ahead. I forget what kind of writer they call that, but I kind of fly by the seat of my pants. I just hope I don't crash and burn. ={ Thank you dear. Rox
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I do that too, write the way the story takes me. I've tried outlining but that does seem to work for me. I tend to write of script, lol.
You're a smart lady, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Your use of the literary technique of stream of consciousness draws the reader in to form an opinion and take sides. This is a good tactic on your part. You have the reader hooked in. With the development of your characters you will not lose your readers. They will definitely want to follow this through. You are also setting the stage for a very good compelling plot. You are addressing a very serious mental illness of borderline personality. I went to a workshop on it. When the speaker put the criteria on the screen he looked at us and said "I bet some of you are getting a little nervous." We all laughed. He said "Everyone had a home on Borderline Island. It's just that some stay longer and some move in." Clearly Monica is a resident there. Well played out.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Your use of the literary technique of stream of consciousness draws the reader in to form an opinion and take sides. This is a good tactic on your part. You have the reader hooked in. With the development of your characters you will not lose your readers. They will definitely want to follow this through. You are also setting the stage for a very good compelling plot. You are addressing a very serious mental illness of borderline personality. I went to a workshop on it. When the speaker put the criteria on the screen he looked at us and said "I bet some of you are getting a little nervous." We all laughed. He said "Everyone had a home on Borderline Island. It's just that some stay longer and some move in." Clearly Monica is a resident there. Well played out.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Yes, I do believe we all have a bit a narcissist in us, but most are guided by rules, Monica has none I'm afraid. Thank you so much for the thoughtful and encouraging review. Rox
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I guess Monica's social skills are winning out, even if Sarah definitely sees her as self-centered. I think the line: that to Monica nothing but her refection was magnificent.
You need an L in 'reflection' and also later on, Congress is capitalized. But congresswoman is fine the way it is. Unless, of course, Monica thinks aloud, "Hey, Congressman Landers sounds pretty fine." Thanks for moving the story along! I am guessing the poison was in Sarah's water since Monica's hand was wet.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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I guess Monica's social skills are winning out, even if Sarah definitely sees her as self-centered. I think the line: that to Monica nothing but her refection was magnificent.
You need an L in 'reflection' and also later on, Congress is capitalized. But congresswoman is fine the way it is. Unless, of course, Monica thinks aloud, "Hey, Congressman Landers sounds pretty fine." Thanks for moving the story along! I am guessing the poison was in Sarah's water since Monica's hand was wet.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Thank you dear for the helps I think I fixed them. Rox
Comment from Sally Law
A good storyline and consistent too with Monica the psychopathic serial killer. Just a few polishing items today. Smiles. (I borrowed that from Alex, it feels less threatening, doesn't it?) You know I'm rooting for ya, too.
Here we go:
-Make an excellent congressman's wife.
Rework,the following paragraph, or just use my shorter suggestion: "Anna, her housekeeper and chef, couldn't understand how her boss kept her back turned away from such a magnificent view." You state that Monicaâ??s back is turned to the mountains and how majestic they are in repetition.
A good story and plot. Poor Sarah. Will she ever be able to trust again?
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xo
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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A good storyline and consistent too with Monica the psychopathic serial killer. Just a few polishing items today. Smiles. (I borrowed that from Alex, it feels less threatening, doesn't it?) You know I'm rooting for ya, too.
Here we go:
-Make an excellent congressman's wife.
Rework,the following paragraph, or just use my shorter suggestion: "Anna, her housekeeper and chef, couldn't understand how her boss kept her back turned away from such a magnificent view." You state that Monicaâ??s back is turned to the mountains and how majestic they are in repetition.
A good story and plot. Poor Sarah. Will she ever be able to trust again?
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xo
Comment Written 11-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Okay, I'll take a look. Thanks so much for the help. =} Rox
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You are welcome. :+))
