The Convict Train
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "The Escape"Levi escorts a train full of dangerous convicts
3 total reviews
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Was that in the story about the Native American and Bo Meadows? He is an evil man and he deserves the hex she put on him. Levi has been shot so Badger will take care of Bo. Pity him because Badger is out to get him for killing a friend. He is at home in the wild. Yes, Pity Bo. LOL Good job, Larry. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2019
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Was that in the story about the Native American and Bo Meadows? He is an evil man and he deserves the hex she put on him. Levi has been shot so Badger will take care of Bo. Pity him because Badger is out to get him for killing a friend. He is at home in the wild. Yes, Pity Bo. LOL Good job, Larry. Nancy:)
Comment Written 13-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2019
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Thank you Nancy for your review. It's always great to hear from you. Yes, the story of Badger's connection to the Native Americans (Spring Rain) and her son (Sparrow Hawk) is in (I think) chapter 14. It is called "Badger's Haunted Past."
Comment from robyn corum
Mr. Green,
I'm not sure how I've missed this. I adore Westerns. This was someone new and I enjoyed this angle of Western story very much. I've never read or heard of any similar story -- SHOCK. hahaha Nice job!
That being said, I did see a lot of places where the piece could be tightened up and made a bit more shiny. *smile* I made some notes for you to peruse -- use if you like, toss if you wish. They are merely suggestions and thing to consider. Here we go:
1.) as its mass slowed to a stop, muffled any (noise) the outlaw might have made.
2.) The guards on the train carried whistles around their necks to (alert) anyone of trouble.
3.) Two figures were running towards the river.
--> 'toward' the river - no 's'
4.) But what about the two men who came with him(?)
5.) "You won't be looking for us much longer(,) Sheriff(,)" Hoag whispered to himself as he waited,
--> this is one example of a place where you could get rid of stuff.
--> "You won't be looking for us much longer(,) Sheriff(,)" Hoag grunted.
6.) The bullet had dropped from it's intended target, Hoag's aim was off, but Levi felt the sudden pain as it tore a hole in his flesh just above his right hip.
--> I would consider rewording this sentence. That bullet hits him in the hip. It didn't drop far enough to mention and I think Hoag's aim was fine. And certainly not BOTH. Don't you think??
7.) and he could feel the warmth of his own blood soaking into his shirt(.)
8.) Casper inter(r)upted the conversation (to say), "Get Levi on the train.
9.) side of the train. "John, what's on (your) mind(?)"
10.) You(')re not the only Pinkerton man on this train(,) John(.)"
11.) (")Sorry(,) Joseph, you(')re right, I'm not."
12.) Paterson continued, "I've been on Meadow(')s trail
13.) He's saddling his horse(,)" Casper said.
14.) As he passed his out(-)stretched arm towards the river (no comma) and the mountains, (silhouetting) the early rise of the morning sun, he said(:)
--> the 'early rise of the morning sun' kinda bothers me a little. I know what you're saying, but it's the SUN. Does she actually ever rise EARLY?
--> another example of possibly streamlining your sentences (but adding a bit of imagery):
--> He waved a massive arm toward the dark river, and then the tall mountains that silhouetted the rising sun, and said:
15.) his thoughts any further, then he (said), almost in a whisper(,)
16.) nothing would frighten me more (than) to have that man hunting me
Anyway, these are a few thoughts. Wish I'd been reading all along, though. Sounds wonderfully entertaining. But I can't stay caught up going FORWARD, much less trying to read backwards, too. hahaha
I hope this will help a bit. Feel free to ignore every part you hate. *smile* Good luck!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2019
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Mr. Green,
I'm not sure how I've missed this. I adore Westerns. This was someone new and I enjoyed this angle of Western story very much. I've never read or heard of any similar story -- SHOCK. hahaha Nice job!
That being said, I did see a lot of places where the piece could be tightened up and made a bit more shiny. *smile* I made some notes for you to peruse -- use if you like, toss if you wish. They are merely suggestions and thing to consider. Here we go:
1.) as its mass slowed to a stop, muffled any (noise) the outlaw might have made.
2.) The guards on the train carried whistles around their necks to (alert) anyone of trouble.
3.) Two figures were running towards the river.
--> 'toward' the river - no 's'
4.) But what about the two men who came with him(?)
5.) "You won't be looking for us much longer(,) Sheriff(,)" Hoag whispered to himself as he waited,
--> this is one example of a place where you could get rid of stuff.
--> "You won't be looking for us much longer(,) Sheriff(,)" Hoag grunted.
6.) The bullet had dropped from it's intended target, Hoag's aim was off, but Levi felt the sudden pain as it tore a hole in his flesh just above his right hip.
--> I would consider rewording this sentence. That bullet hits him in the hip. It didn't drop far enough to mention and I think Hoag's aim was fine. And certainly not BOTH. Don't you think??
7.) and he could feel the warmth of his own blood soaking into his shirt(.)
8.) Casper inter(r)upted the conversation (to say), "Get Levi on the train.
9.) side of the train. "John, what's on (your) mind(?)"
10.) You(')re not the only Pinkerton man on this train(,) John(.)"
11.) (")Sorry(,) Joseph, you(')re right, I'm not."
12.) Paterson continued, "I've been on Meadow(')s trail
13.) He's saddling his horse(,)" Casper said.
14.) As he passed his out(-)stretched arm towards the river (no comma) and the mountains, (silhouetting) the early rise of the morning sun, he said(:)
--> the 'early rise of the morning sun' kinda bothers me a little. I know what you're saying, but it's the SUN. Does she actually ever rise EARLY?
--> another example of possibly streamlining your sentences (but adding a bit of imagery):
--> He waved a massive arm toward the dark river, and then the tall mountains that silhouetted the rising sun, and said:
15.) his thoughts any further, then he (said), almost in a whisper(,)
16.) nothing would frighten me more (than) to have that man hunting me
Anyway, these are a few thoughts. Wish I'd been reading all along, though. Sounds wonderfully entertaining. But I can't stay caught up going FORWARD, much less trying to read backwards, too. hahaha
I hope this will help a bit. Feel free to ignore every part you hate. *smile* Good luck!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2019
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Robyn, thank you so much for your honest and fair review. I have re-worked some of this chapter, and I have taken your suggestions to heart. I have what they call euvitus which simply says that I struggle with my vision and I have to proof-read many times to catch mistakes. Thank you again for taking the time to help me improve this chapter. I think it reads much better now.
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I'm happy if I could help. I went back and noticed some nice changes and raised the rating a bit. I would still recommend checking out that website for help with dialogue. Good luck!
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I am on my way to Seattle today. I will be there for about a week, but when I get back, I will look at the website.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
The glorious chapter that you can make a movie with it it's right here. This is a classic western story, so I personally will not be able to write. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2019
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The glorious chapter that you can make a movie with it it's right here. This is a classic western story, so I personally will not be able to write. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2019
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Iza, thank you for your kind review. I am glad you enjoyed this chapter.
