The Book of Miracles
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Das Experiment"The adventures of Eastern European in America
10 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Iza,
Okay, I've been trusting you now for a few chapters, but I still don't really see how these all work cohesively. But -- I'm still reading, no worries. *smile*
Some notes:
1.) Playing dumb, I exclaimed: "(Holy) guacamole, did the phone (explode) in your face
2.) "Jess, please take a (seat). I am so sorry for asking this,
3.) In this next section, the punctuation is off. The quotation marks are in the wrong place. Here's where you have them:
*
it's such a sweet delight!"
After this third-degree encounter,
*
----
*
it's such a sweet delight!( <-- none)
(")After this third-degree encounter,
*
--> when one speaker talks over several paragraphs, you leave the qmarks OFF the ends of all the paragraphs until the LAST ONE. You put an opening qmark on EVERY paragraph. That's the rule.
4.) We (dined) and then Jess left us around 11 o'clock.
Everything else looked okay. Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Iza,
Okay, I've been trusting you now for a few chapters, but I still don't really see how these all work cohesively. But -- I'm still reading, no worries. *smile*
Some notes:
1.) Playing dumb, I exclaimed: "(Holy) guacamole, did the phone (explode) in your face
2.) "Jess, please take a (seat). I am so sorry for asking this,
3.) In this next section, the punctuation is off. The quotation marks are in the wrong place. Here's where you have them:
*
it's such a sweet delight!"
After this third-degree encounter,
*
----
*
it's such a sweet delight!( <-- none)
(")After this third-degree encounter,
*
--> when one speaker talks over several paragraphs, you leave the qmarks OFF the ends of all the paragraphs until the LAST ONE. You put an opening qmark on EVERY paragraph. That's the rule.
4.) We (dined) and then Jess left us around 11 o'clock.
Everything else looked okay. Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your patience and for pointing out the imperfections of the story😉 I will correct them ASAP 😄
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for piquing our curiosity with your intriguing title and picture. You captured a good deal of typically male behavior, including discussing sports. No wonder your character was drained of her energy! Smiles- Joan
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2019
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Thank you for piquing our curiosity with your intriguing title and picture. You captured a good deal of typically male behavior, including discussing sports. No wonder your character was drained of her energy! Smiles- Joan
Comment Written 07-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review and for taking a chance on my writing
Comment from Aussie
REMOVED the sunglasses. I can say that I gained a FEW POUNDS?" 'we DINED and then Jess..." Just a few hiccups in your story. I have only just caught up with this. Perhaps you could put the characters in your author's notes?
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2019
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REMOVED the sunglasses. I can say that I gained a FEW POUNDS?" 'we DINED and then Jess..." Just a few hiccups in your story. I have only just caught up with this. Perhaps you could put the characters in your author's notes?
Comment Written 06-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2019
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Thank you, my friend, for your kind review
Comment from lyenochka
Well, you have some good descriptions of the characters and their personalities and it seems like they ready for some interesting plot development!
Some comments:
"and my stress leave," (leave from work due to stress?)
but he doesn't know-how. (know how)
I made for desert some traditional Romanian scovergi aka Elephants Ears that Jess likes a lot. ("for desert" seems to be at an odd location in the sentence. You could just leave it out or put it after "Ears")
"In the 3rd" (What's the 3rd?)
"Outside its already night," (it's)
"did the phone exploded " (explode) did is already in the past tense
"We dinned and then " (dined)
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Well, you have some good descriptions of the characters and their personalities and it seems like they ready for some interesting plot development!
Some comments:
"and my stress leave," (leave from work due to stress?)
but he doesn't know-how. (know how)
I made for desert some traditional Romanian scovergi aka Elephants Ears that Jess likes a lot. ("for desert" seems to be at an odd location in the sentence. You could just leave it out or put it after "Ears")
"In the 3rd" (What's the 3rd?)
"Outside its already night," (it's)
"did the phone exploded " (explode) did is already in the past tense
"We dinned and then " (dined)
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind comments. The 3rd is a country of Canada. I have talked about in chapter 2 and 3.😉
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
I thought this well penned and very engaging. It progresses in an easy to follow and logical manner. You are doing a fine job o developing the characters. You have a small typo:
"did the phone exploded in your face" - should be 'explode'.
Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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I thought this well penned and very engaging. It progresses in an easy to follow and logical manner. You are doing a fine job o developing the characters. You have a small typo:
"did the phone exploded in your face" - should be 'explode'.
Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Hello my dear friend thank you so much for stopping my🙃you are to kind. Also thank you for pointing out my grammatical error, the grammar is going to be the death of my aspirations as a writer.😊
Comment from Mistydawn
I found it to be interesting, not frustrating at all. Your dialogue and characters seem real, believable. I did find a few things you might want to look at.
Experiment doesn't need to be capitalized.
I don't enjoy the (n)Noise anymore
So did you lose any pounds (any weight or a few pounds)
The two men are talking hockey, (started talking about)
Overall nice job.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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I found it to be interesting, not frustrating at all. Your dialogue and characters seem real, believable. I did find a few things you might want to look at.
Experiment doesn't need to be capitalized.
I don't enjoy the (n)Noise anymore
So did you lose any pounds (any weight or a few pounds)
The two men are talking hockey, (started talking about)
Overall nice job.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind comments and for pointing out the errors😉you are the best.
Comment from kahpot
This story is moving along very nicely, I will have to go back as I think I may have missed a chapter, your writing is improving wonderfully-still a few things to iron out, but the story line is great, and I look forward to the next chapter in the mean time I will go back and refresh ****kahpot
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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This story is moving along very nicely, I will have to go back as I think I may have missed a chapter, your writing is improving wonderfully-still a few things to iron out, but the story line is great, and I look forward to the next chapter in the mean time I will go back and refresh ****kahpot
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind words I really appreciate your feedback🙃
Comment from Ben Colder
Perhaps I should have hit skip but the write sent me deeper into the subject. I notice you make changes in your presentation, but the wording is still good. My best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Perhaps I should have hit skip but the write sent me deeper into the subject. I notice you make changes in your presentation, but the wording is still good. My best wishes to you.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for giving me and my writing a chance😉you are the best
Comment from Alex Rosel
I think this will be a good story once the glitches are ironed out. Naturally, that's what editors are employed to do, but it's always best to try and have your draft in the best possible state before handing it over to an editor.
With that in mind, here's just one example of where I think you could improve this piece:
Jesses entered in the house and remove the sunglasses -- I'm assuming English isn't your first language. While I can readily understand everything written, the prose is disjointed in place. This is an example of that. Here, you use the past-tense "entered" but the present-tense "remove". Of course, it's best to be consistent. Along with that, it'll be more standard to say "Jess entered the house" (i.e. omit the "in"). Also, you name your character here "Jesses". Elsewhere they're named as "Jess". Again, it's best to maintain a consistent name.
Good luck with this project going forward {smiles}.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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I think this will be a good story once the glitches are ironed out. Naturally, that's what editors are employed to do, but it's always best to try and have your draft in the best possible state before handing it over to an editor.
With that in mind, here's just one example of where I think you could improve this piece:
Jesses entered in the house and remove the sunglasses -- I'm assuming English isn't your first language. While I can readily understand everything written, the prose is disjointed in place. This is an example of that. Here, you use the past-tense "entered" but the present-tense "remove". Of course, it's best to be consistent. Along with that, it'll be more standard to say "Jess entered the house" (i.e. omit the "in"). Also, you name your character here "Jesses". Elsewhere they're named as "Jess". Again, it's best to maintain a consistent name.
Good luck with this project going forward {smiles}.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your review and the grammar tips. I guess Grammarly can't do more than this with my writing:)
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In my opinion, Grammarly is good, but it's no substitute for a human editor.
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I agree with you, but I am not famous yet to afford that. Thank you so much for being here for me and my writingg, my dear friend😊
Comment from Patty Palmer
OK I'm interested in the story, but I'm not sure why, LOL But it was intriguing enough that I want to read more of this so I will wait to see what the next chapter holds in store.
God bless!
Patty
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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OK I'm interested in the story, but I'm not sure why, LOL But it was intriguing enough that I want to read more of this so I will wait to see what the next chapter holds in store.
God bless!
Patty
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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You can try the other chapters:) some are still active. Thanks for giving it a try.
