Pushed Too Far
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Wage War"Shocking news sends Jeremy over the edge.
18 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
You are addressing a very important issue of bullying. You drew the reader in immediately. This becomes a universal theme. Who of does not know of bullying. Either having been bullied, being bullied presently, know someone who is being bullied or may have been a bully or are presently bullying. I like how you led the reader's mind and imagination in one direction then quickly flipped it in an entirely different direction. So many who re bullied would rather no attention than negative attention. Some people prefer negative attention rather than no attention but not the victim of bullying. They wish to have a cloak of invisibility. I also like how you introduce a new setting and characters. The reader wonders how they are connected s want to read the next chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2019
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You are addressing a very important issue of bullying. You drew the reader in immediately. This becomes a universal theme. Who of does not know of bullying. Either having been bullied, being bullied presently, know someone who is being bullied or may have been a bully or are presently bullying. I like how you led the reader's mind and imagination in one direction then quickly flipped it in an entirely different direction. So many who re bullied would rather no attention than negative attention. Some people prefer negative attention rather than no attention but not the victim of bullying. They wish to have a cloak of invisibility. I also like how you introduce a new setting and characters. The reader wonders how they are connected s want to read the next chapter.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2019
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Thank you so much for such an insightful review. It helps me move forward, learn and grow as a writer. I was bullied all through school so this subject is close to my heart. You're right, victims would much rather stay in the shadows. It's lonesome at times but peacefull.
Thank you again for your extensive review, all your support. It's greatly appreciated, take care.
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That's what my Be Wee With Bea book is about. I was bullied right up til about 2 years ago when I retired. I was bullied even at work ironically at a psych hospital. So in my story Bea the wee bear is working through having been bullied by the mean little bears. Healing takes place through writing.
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It sounds like a cute little story. Are you going to post it?
I was bullied at work, had all these childhood emotions come back. One day I had enough, blurted something out without thinking. Thought this is it I'm fired. Instead she said I was wondering how long it'd take you. Called me little balls after that.
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I self-published part one which is complete on my portfolio and my Part 2 has not been published. That is slowly being posted. The first is a quite accurate allegorical autobiography. The second is more just threads of my life.
Comment from Coco Jane
A good look at a teen's hell.
Pay attention to tense; a couple times the story lapses into past when it shouldn't.
I don't quite see the connection to the detective scene. What am I missing?
Consider removing the part about Jeremy's mom and focusing on his ordeal with classmates.
I like the ending.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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A good look at a teen's hell.
Pay attention to tense; a couple times the story lapses into past when it shouldn't.
I don't quite see the connection to the detective scene. What am I missing?
Consider removing the part about Jeremy's mom and focusing on his ordeal with classmates.
I like the ending.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. There isn't a connection to the detectives yet. I was just introducing them into the story, adding a little back story. I will look at the tenses again and consider your suggestion.
Thank you again for your helpful review, take care.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
This chapter announces a beautiful book. Are you going to give Jeremy super powers? I like the flashes back in Jeremy's childhood it gives him consistency and credibility. Good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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This chapter announces a beautiful book. Are you going to give Jeremy super powers? I like the flashes back in Jeremy's childhood it gives him consistency and credibility. Good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Superpowers, hmm that's something to think about.
Thank you again for your great review. It means a lot to me, take care.
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You know something like in that TV series Heroes:) the power of telekinetic.
Comment from Gail Denham
Lots of action in this story - the jumping back and forth is confusing but I imagine it's explained in other chapters. Good mixing dialog with the on-going action.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Lots of action in this story - the jumping back and forth is confusing but I imagine it's explained in other chapters. Good mixing dialog with the on-going action.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I probably should explain what **** means so readers will be more prepared. Maybe limit jumping around. What do you think? Any suggestions?
Thank you again for your kind review it means a lot to me, take care.
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The connection between each part of the story could perhaps use a transition word or phrase or sentence??
Comment from KatyM
Misty, I really liked this chapter. Interesting with lots of action. What is: "Wadge? Do you mean Wage War? Or is this a word I need to look up to broaden my vocabulary?
Also on this sentence:
Clinching his fits(fists), Jeremy throws them down by his side. "Stop lying to me, mom."
I noticed there was a typo in this sentence. I put the correction in parensethis(however, you spell it) Hope all is well with you. We are just waiting for the hurricane to decide if it's coming here. James had to work Saturday and Sunday. So he has two days off and possibly Wednesday cause the storm is due then. Everything is closing because of Labor day or trying to get ready for the storm. All the water is gone from the store I went to tonight. They should get more tomorrow in. I will adventure out tomorrow and see if I can get more water to have on hand. The last hurricane we got out of town but can't this time cause of James' job.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Misty, I really liked this chapter. Interesting with lots of action. What is: "Wadge? Do you mean Wage War? Or is this a word I need to look up to broaden my vocabulary?
Also on this sentence:
Clinching his fits(fists), Jeremy throws them down by his side. "Stop lying to me, mom."
I noticed there was a typo in this sentence. I put the correction in parensethis(however, you spell it) Hope all is well with you. We are just waiting for the hurricane to decide if it's coming here. James had to work Saturday and Sunday. So he has two days off and possibly Wednesday cause the storm is due then. Everything is closing because of Labor day or trying to get ready for the storm. All the water is gone from the store I went to tonight. They should get more tomorrow in. I will adventure out tomorrow and see if I can get more water to have on hand. The last hurricane we got out of town but can't this time cause of James' job.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you for your kind review I'm glad you enjoyed it. Wadge is a bunch or bundle, wedge. You're right it should be wage.
I do hope you guys will be alright. My thoughts and prayers are with you and James. When it's over, please let me know you're alright, if you can. Take care, please be safe.
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Oh I will let you know. The hardest part is waiting for it. Also everyone that hasn't ever gone through a hurricane around here is in a panic. I have gone through more than several. My memorable hurricane by far is Celia which was in 1970 or there abouts. I was in Corpus Christi, Texas and was about 9 or 10 years old. The roof came off of our house so it was leaking everywhere. I told my Dad I wanted to move right then! lol
Comment from JudyE
There is lots of action here and the makings of an interesting story.
There are quite a few spags but all of them are minor.
He sees his classmates headed towards him as he continues to glance around. - I might have said 'heading towards him'
"Oh look, monkey man is out of his cage," Paul replies as they approach him. - I wouldn't use 'replies' as Paul isn't replying to anyone. Maybe just 'says'
This and other dreadful names started in the first grade after a violent episode. - commas after 'This' and 'names'
that his enemies' will have plenty of opportunities - delete apostrophe
Jerry, the lead detective started at the station fourteen years ago. - commas after 'detective'
He did so well that he became a detective in a little under four years and a sergeant two years later. - comma after 'years'
Joe, the captain shaped her into one of the best cops and then one of the best detectives on the force. - commas after 'captain' and 'cops'
"What's wrong, Rachel?" Jerry questions, running to her side - maybe 'hurrying to her side' rather than 'running'
He releases her arm, Rachel falls against the chair. - period after 'arm'
"Don't worry, boss, he'll be here soon." - period after 'boss'
"Is there any news on the burglaries?" The captain asks - lower case for 'the'
His rivals were so busy giving the teachers trouble they didn't pay attention to him. Although it's lonely at times, Jeremy would rather be invisible than teased. - you've changed tense here. It should be 'although it was lonely..'
"She liked all my, its fancy gadgets." the salesman winks. - comma, not period, after 'gadgets'
It would make things easier, but I'm afraid it's too expensive." She glances between the salesman and her son. - speech marks at beginning of line. I might have said 'She glances from the salesman...'
"Here's my card, call me when you decide." - period after 'card'
"Not now, please not now." - you haven't used speech mark for Jeremy's thoughts elsewhere so I'd delete them here.
"Jeremy sees Jessica crying harder than before; the precious time they've shared together quickly comes to mind. - delete speech marks before 'Jeremy'
Good luck with your writing
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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There is lots of action here and the makings of an interesting story.
There are quite a few spags but all of them are minor.
He sees his classmates headed towards him as he continues to glance around. - I might have said 'heading towards him'
"Oh look, monkey man is out of his cage," Paul replies as they approach him. - I wouldn't use 'replies' as Paul isn't replying to anyone. Maybe just 'says'
This and other dreadful names started in the first grade after a violent episode. - commas after 'This' and 'names'
that his enemies' will have plenty of opportunities - delete apostrophe
Jerry, the lead detective started at the station fourteen years ago. - commas after 'detective'
He did so well that he became a detective in a little under four years and a sergeant two years later. - comma after 'years'
Joe, the captain shaped her into one of the best cops and then one of the best detectives on the force. - commas after 'captain' and 'cops'
"What's wrong, Rachel?" Jerry questions, running to her side - maybe 'hurrying to her side' rather than 'running'
He releases her arm, Rachel falls against the chair. - period after 'arm'
"Don't worry, boss, he'll be here soon." - period after 'boss'
"Is there any news on the burglaries?" The captain asks - lower case for 'the'
His rivals were so busy giving the teachers trouble they didn't pay attention to him. Although it's lonely at times, Jeremy would rather be invisible than teased. - you've changed tense here. It should be 'although it was lonely..'
"She liked all my, its fancy gadgets." the salesman winks. - comma, not period, after 'gadgets'
It would make things easier, but I'm afraid it's too expensive." She glances between the salesman and her son. - speech marks at beginning of line. I might have said 'She glances from the salesman...'
"Here's my card, call me when you decide." - period after 'card'
"Not now, please not now." - you haven't used speech mark for Jeremy's thoughts elsewhere so I'd delete them here.
"Jeremy sees Jessica crying harder than before; the precious time they've shared together quickly comes to mind. - delete speech marks before 'Jeremy'
Good luck with your writing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. I've made all the corrections. In a nutshell, coma placement is my biggest problem. I'll have to work harder on that.
Thank you again for your extensive review. The help is always greatly appreciated. It's how I learn, grow as a writer. Take care.
Comment from forestport12
Hey Misty,
Got some good action with dialogue. You keep the story moving with your protagonist trying to outwit and outlast the bullying. A worthy installment.
It helps that you use good strong verbs, like dart, dash. She sobs, she bawls, etc.. That's how you keep a reader.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Hey Misty,
Got some good action with dialogue. You keep the story moving with your protagonist trying to outwit and outlast the bullying. A worthy installment.
It helps that you use good strong verbs, like dart, dash. She sobs, she bawls, etc.. That's how you keep a reader.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for such a great review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm hoping I can write it well enough to make an impact on someone's life. Help them take a stand against bullying.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship. It means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
A new book. Goodie. This sounds most interesting. The bullied underdog who may end up being the hero? Guess I'll have to wait and see. Well done my dear. Rox
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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A new book. Goodie. This sounds most interesting. The bullied underdog who may end up being the hero? Guess I'll have to wait and see. Well done my dear. Rox
Comment Written 01-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you for your kind review.I'm so glad you're excited about my new book. That means a lot to me
Thank you again for all your support, friendship and encouraging words, take care.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hey Mistydawn. You really like physical action in your stories. There are a couple of typos I found in the dialogue.
1. "Jeromy sees Jessica crying harder..." (Spelling of Jeremy)
2. The captain inquiries. I recommend you use "inquires" based on usage.
Keep after this one. Robert
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Hey Mistydawn. You really like physical action in your stories. There are a couple of typos I found in the dialogue.
1. "Jeromy sees Jessica crying harder..." (Spelling of Jeremy)
2. The captain inquiries. I recommend you use "inquires" based on usage.
Keep after this one. Robert
Comment Written 01-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your helpful review and for catching my mistakes. I fixed the name and changed inquires to questions.
Thank you again for all your help, and support. It means a lot to me, take care.
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You're welcome!
Comment from DonandVicki
A very interesting and original way to start your story. You held my interest and a very good way of ending the chapter in suspense and wanting more.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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A very interesting and original way to start your story. You held my interest and a very good way of ending the chapter in suspense and wanting more.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I'm so glad you found it interesting. I promise there will be a lot more excitement in the following chapters.
Thank you again for your kind review and for all your support. It means a lot to me, take care.
