Monica
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Monica Chapter 9"A woman becomes fixated on Rob
13 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Foxie-Roxie,
Very nice chapter, advancing the plot in just the right ways. Kudos. *smile* I can see those wheels of yours churning, churning - moving us along to the climax and where we can -- maybe-- capture this she-devil. Yuck.
Some notes:
1.) Remember - I'm sure I've told you - one of the biggest 'robyn's rules' is the '$20 rule'. After the first write and when you go back to edit, do one go-through specifically dedicated to streamlining every single sentence. Pretend you have to PAY $20 for every word you USE.
2.) A hoodie pulled up almost covered it. They didn't
--> A hoodie covered it. They didn't...
3.) The callers all said they saw someone walking (toward) the Green Bluffs housing complex.
4.) She was carrying a tote from the supermarket." The sergeant laid the form he'd filled out on Rob's desk.
--> you already gave a lot of this info in the previous paragraph. You don't need to give it twice. Just do it once in one place or the other...
5.) Rob sat back in his chair and let his mind go over all the people
--> Rob sat back and considered all the people
6.) let his mind go over all the people in his neighborhood who fit the description of the woman.
--> considered all the women in the neighborhood who might fit the description
7.) Sarah shook her head. "She's going to kill someone. What do you mean, I'm one of the elite?"
--> I like the idea that Sarah is getting this tingle and premonition. But here, she's saying it in an odd place. I might consider moving it to a different place -- further down and closer to the chapter end, as a cliff hanger close to keep the reader turning the page. As in:
--> "I'm curious now. Maybe I'll go, just to see what she's really after." Sarah fanned herself with the dinner invitation. "Once a cop always a cop, I guess, but if I was profiling her, I'd say she'd have that kind of personality that might kill somebody."
"Yeah, but you're a baker now, Sarah. Let it go. And just stay away from her so you don't find out." (You get the idea. You can do better.)
That's it. Hope this helps!!!
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reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Foxie-Roxie,
Very nice chapter, advancing the plot in just the right ways. Kudos. *smile* I can see those wheels of yours churning, churning - moving us along to the climax and where we can -- maybe-- capture this she-devil. Yuck.
Some notes:
1.) Remember - I'm sure I've told you - one of the biggest 'robyn's rules' is the '$20 rule'. After the first write and when you go back to edit, do one go-through specifically dedicated to streamlining every single sentence. Pretend you have to PAY $20 for every word you USE.
2.) A hoodie pulled up almost covered it. They didn't
--> A hoodie covered it. They didn't...
3.) The callers all said they saw someone walking (toward) the Green Bluffs housing complex.
4.) She was carrying a tote from the supermarket." The sergeant laid the form he'd filled out on Rob's desk.
--> you already gave a lot of this info in the previous paragraph. You don't need to give it twice. Just do it once in one place or the other...
5.) Rob sat back in his chair and let his mind go over all the people
--> Rob sat back and considered all the people
6.) let his mind go over all the people in his neighborhood who fit the description of the woman.
--> considered all the women in the neighborhood who might fit the description
7.) Sarah shook her head. "She's going to kill someone. What do you mean, I'm one of the elite?"
--> I like the idea that Sarah is getting this tingle and premonition. But here, she's saying it in an odd place. I might consider moving it to a different place -- further down and closer to the chapter end, as a cliff hanger close to keep the reader turning the page. As in:
--> "I'm curious now. Maybe I'll go, just to see what she's really after." Sarah fanned herself with the dinner invitation. "Once a cop always a cop, I guess, but if I was profiling her, I'd say she'd have that kind of personality that might kill somebody."
"Yeah, but you're a baker now, Sarah. Let it go. And just stay away from her so you don't find out." (You get the idea. You can do better.)
That's it. Hope this helps!!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2019
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Hi, thanks for all the help. I made changes but don't know if I made it better. I forgot the rule. Maybe I need to paste it to my PC. =} Thank you dear. Rox
Comment from susand3022
Well... Hello!!! I had no idea that this was even being written!!! Every time I'm in my messages I'm looking for Monica, but for some reason, she hasn't been showing up since Chapter 2! Today, when I signed in I had 88 messages. (I've been off for a few days) so I just decided to check my books by writer instead of going through 9 pages of messages to find the chapters... Imagine my surprise... and delight... to find Monica was on Chapter 9! So, I'm all caught up and it's coming along WONDERFULLY by the way... and I'm going to have to look under your name if it won't come to me by message. You'll have to let me know when you post them!
Happy to be caught up,
Susan :)
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2019
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Well... Hello!!! I had no idea that this was even being written!!! Every time I'm in my messages I'm looking for Monica, but for some reason, she hasn't been showing up since Chapter 2! Today, when I signed in I had 88 messages. (I've been off for a few days) so I just decided to check my books by writer instead of going through 9 pages of messages to find the chapters... Imagine my surprise... and delight... to find Monica was on Chapter 9! So, I'm all caught up and it's coming along WONDERFULLY by the way... and I'm going to have to look under your name if it won't come to me by message. You'll have to let me know when you post them!
Happy to be caught up,
Susan :)
Comment Written 07-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2019
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Sory that happened. I've had it happen to me too. I don't know what causes so things not to show up. I'm working on the next chapter. I'm, stalled a bit so doing silly poems to take a break and then get back to it. I'm glad you are enjoying it. Thanks so much dear. Rox
Comment from JudyE
I do hope you're not going to 'kill off your babies' with this! It moved along nicely and the dialogue is all very realistic. Just one small comment:
That way my chief can keep track - did you mean 'chef'?
Enjoy your day
Judy
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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I do hope you're not going to 'kill off your babies' with this! It moved along nicely and the dialogue is all very realistic. Just one small comment:
That way my chief can keep track - did you mean 'chef'?
Enjoy your day
Judy
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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We shall see who lives or dies. One never knows, not even me half the time. =] Thank you dear. Rox
Comment from royowen
So Monica has boldly fronted up to Sarah, and even cheekily invited here to a party at her place, Sarah accepts, but Nadine says she treated here somewhat with disdain, and Sarah gets an uncomfortable feeling about her. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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So Monica has boldly fronted up to Sarah, and even cheekily invited here to a party at her place, Sarah accepts, but Nadine says she treated here somewhat with disdain, and Sarah gets an uncomfortable feeling about her. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thank you sir. =} Rox
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Good job
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Thanks for providing so much detail about how people are seeing Monica! And the witnesses have provided very good leads. How many "thin but tall" woman could there be in that small community! Woo hoo! Just hope it gets figured out before Sarah is the next victim! Ughhh.... :). xoxo
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thanks for providing so much detail about how people are seeing Monica! And the witnesses have provided very good leads. How many "thin but tall" woman could there be in that small community! Woo hoo! Just hope it gets figured out before Sarah is the next victim! Ughhh.... :). xoxo
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thank you dear. =} Rox
Comment from Iza Deleanu
The suspense is growing, Monica doesn't care that the man she wants; it's the sheriff itself. Her presence brings up a wave of uncomfortable and strange feeling that something is wrong with her. Waiting for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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The suspense is growing, Monica doesn't care that the man she wants; it's the sheriff itself. Her presence brings up a wave of uncomfortable and strange feeling that something is wrong with her. Waiting for the next chapter.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thank you dear. =} Rox
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You are welcome
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Monica starts delivering invitations to a get-together in this chapter while the police start mulling over why witnesses saw a woman in the area before the other murders. And by the end of the chapter, the reader wants to tell Sarah, don't even eat an appetizer prepared by Monica. I think Nadine is a voice of reason. Making good progress on this.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Monica starts delivering invitations to a get-together in this chapter while the police start mulling over why witnesses saw a woman in the area before the other murders. And by the end of the chapter, the reader wants to tell Sarah, don't even eat an appetizer prepared by Monica. I think Nadine is a voice of reason. Making good progress on this.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thank you dear. =} Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
Sarah should've listened to her first instinct and stay as far away from her as possible. I do hope she's careful. On the good side of things, the cops are a little closer to solving the case. This is a well-written interesting piece, Iook forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Sarah should've listened to her first instinct and stay as far away from her as possible. I do hope she's careful. On the good side of things, the cops are a little closer to solving the case. This is a well-written interesting piece, Iook forward to reading more.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thank you dear. =} Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Sarah's instincts are spot on. Like she said, " Once a cop, always a cop." Monica is determined to get Rob's attention. I think she will if she continues down the path she has laid out for herself. It will be the wrong kind of attention. HAHA. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Sarah's instincts are spot on. Like she said, " Once a cop, always a cop." Monica is determined to get Rob's attention. I think she will if she continues down the path she has laid out for herself. It will be the wrong kind of attention. HAHA. Nancy:)
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thank you dear. =} Rox
Comment from Susan X Smith
I am a big fan of crime stories and I look forward to reading more. What will happen at the dinner remains a question in my mind. Also is Monica really as bad as she seems? Did she, in fact, kill Lonnie? I am sure we will find out in good time. Best wishes.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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I am a big fan of crime stories and I look forward to reading more. What will happen at the dinner remains a question in my mind. Also is Monica really as bad as she seems? Did she, in fact, kill Lonnie? I am sure we will find out in good time. Best wishes.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2019
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Thank you dear. =} Rox
