New York
Thoughts I had when I traveled to the city that never sleeps3 total reviews
Comment from Alex Edwards-Bourdrez
I grew up in New York City, so it's always interesting to see what most grabs visitors. This is a neat litany of attractions and impressions. The personifying qualities you ascribe to many of the elements are effective. You could enrich the piece with more of that. Can you think of of similarly evocative for subways, the Hudson, saxophones, fans in the Bronx, and the skyline, for example? Think of ways of carrying tropes (in this case, personification) all the way through your poems. Also, think of ways of condensing to add impact. I'd play with taking out "the" as much as possible. You could also tighten up a couple of lines. For example, "Loud impatient horns" instead of "The car horns loud with impatience." I think that would invoke the "shock" and assault of so much of the NYC experience. Also, try beginning with the end--and delete the line "You are so unique and charming (it adds nothing and takes away from the poetic feel). I think, too, if you do begin with what is now the end, you could try substituting "Gotham" for "New York." That would establish a more intimate, love-letter tone to draw the reader in . So, it might begin like this:
Oh Gotham!
From the moment I first saw you
I knew it would be impossible not to fall deeply in love with you.
You have such rich raw material here. See what you can do to reflect more of your relationship to it.
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I grew up in New York City, so it's always interesting to see what most grabs visitors. This is a neat litany of attractions and impressions. The personifying qualities you ascribe to many of the elements are effective. You could enrich the piece with more of that. Can you think of of similarly evocative for subways, the Hudson, saxophones, fans in the Bronx, and the skyline, for example? Think of ways of carrying tropes (in this case, personification) all the way through your poems. Also, think of ways of condensing to add impact. I'd play with taking out "the" as much as possible. You could also tighten up a couple of lines. For example, "Loud impatient horns" instead of "The car horns loud with impatience." I think that would invoke the "shock" and assault of so much of the NYC experience. Also, try beginning with the end--and delete the line "You are so unique and charming (it adds nothing and takes away from the poetic feel). I think, too, if you do begin with what is now the end, you could try substituting "Gotham" for "New York." That would establish a more intimate, love-letter tone to draw the reader in . So, it might begin like this:
Oh Gotham!
From the moment I first saw you
I knew it would be impossible not to fall deeply in love with you.
You have such rich raw material here. See what you can do to reflect more of your relationship to it.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2019
Comment from Janetsue
I used to live in NYC in the 1960s and your excellent free verse poetry has brought back some long ago remembrances of that time. (I once flew around the Statue of Liberty in a small private plane. -- The father of my boyfriend at the time did live radio traffic reports from his Cessna and he took us flying in it one day. It was exciting.)
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I used to live in NYC in the 1960s and your excellent free verse poetry has brought back some long ago remembrances of that time. (I once flew around the Statue of Liberty in a small private plane. -- The father of my boyfriend at the time did live radio traffic reports from his Cessna and he took us flying in it one day. It was exciting.)
Comment Written 25-Aug-2019
Comment from Cybertron1986
It's been a long while since visiting New York City. Your piece brought me back to all the unforgettable sights with that right tone of admiration and personification of places I, too, remember them to be. Thank you for sharing!
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It's been a long while since visiting New York City. Your piece brought me back to all the unforgettable sights with that right tone of admiration and personification of places I, too, remember them to be. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2019
