The Book of Miracles
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 2. 3rd"The adventures of Eastern European in America
12 total reviews
Comment from James W. Reynolds
This is a very interesting character study that lets us into the mind of the narrator. She has a unique and independent voice, which is intriguing. The conflict(s) that she is dealing with sounds genuine and is well-told.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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This is a very interesting character study that lets us into the mind of the narrator. She has a unique and independent voice, which is intriguing. The conflict(s) that she is dealing with sounds genuine and is well-told.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review
Comment from robyn corum
Iza,
I am just gonna be straight up with you. I'm having all kinds of problems with this post. (Sorrrryyy!!!)
Your notes say that this chapter will be clearer if we read chapter one - but actually, reading chapter one just muddies the water even more - it does not help in the LEAST.
The first chapter was just a random conversation between Ramona and a character named Jess about headphones and 'substitute' language. Very random. I don't see how it has ANYTHING to do with this one -- or even how it's supposed to be a lead-in for a novel, to tell the truth. (I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. THIS chapter is more of a lead-in/beginning of a novel. It introduces the reader to the main character AND her location, etc.)
BUT there are also problems here. When you use terms like 1st, 2nd and 3rd without explaining them - you will totally turn your readers off. It's like you are starting the book right out using a secret code that you aren't letting your reader in on. Which is just not fair.
I went into the reviews you've already received to see if you had explained this and you had - but I wouldn't have guessed that this had been continents. This definitely needs explaining - and it will only take another word or two to share with the reader, right??
Other notes that occurred to me as I read:
1.) blonde, slim, killer green eyes, wavy hair, your usual blond dumb
--> this is written from Ramona's point of view. But MOST of us wouldn't go ahead and say that we had 'killer eyes', right?
--> most people would say something like, 'a lot of people SAY I have killer eyes...' (right??)
2.) At work, my boss calls me, hey You from Eastern Europe.
--> At work, my boss calls me, "Hey, you! From Eastern Europe!"
3.) When I went on the 2nd, I (did not feel) different, we had the same culture and customs,
--> past tense - this is something that happened before. It's over now.
--> (But I would really, strongly recommend saying something like:)
--> When I lived in Asia, I didn't feel any different. I was surrounded by the same culture and customs I had grown up with, the only difference was the language. (or whichever country it was.)
4.) the Ray Ray that leaves here it is a very politically correct person.
--> do you mean 'that lives here'?
5.) When I decided to move here was for the stupid love and hope for a better life.
--> I moved here for love and the hope of a better life.
6.) My love life it's a roller-coaster, my friends, most of them are fake as my smile!
--> My love life is a roller-coaster and most of my friends are fake as my smile!
7.) take of this full glass of poison, have you not (had) enough?
--> I saw the notes that person gave you - but you evidently had this right to begin with.
8.) The more you wait, the worse (things) will get.
9.) "I hate you, Ray Ray! Te urasc! mrazia te! Now you have it;
--> the font size goes different here - needs adjusting, please
I think this whole chapter has potential, but you need to slow down and imagine reading this fresh - coming to this as a new reader who doesn't know ANYTHING.
Remember we can't see anything in yoru head. We only know what you tell us. We can't see what you see - we only know what's on the page. If you don't make things clear - we jsut have a fuzzy image - and readers don't stick around for that.
I really hope you won't think I'm being rude and hateful. I'm telling you the same way I would want someone to tell me. I don't want to spin my wheels or waste my time -- and I hope you feel the same. To that end, I'm hoping this will help. If you have questions, feel free to holler back at me. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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Iza,
I am just gonna be straight up with you. I'm having all kinds of problems with this post. (Sorrrryyy!!!)
Your notes say that this chapter will be clearer if we read chapter one - but actually, reading chapter one just muddies the water even more - it does not help in the LEAST.
The first chapter was just a random conversation between Ramona and a character named Jess about headphones and 'substitute' language. Very random. I don't see how it has ANYTHING to do with this one -- or even how it's supposed to be a lead-in for a novel, to tell the truth. (I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. THIS chapter is more of a lead-in/beginning of a novel. It introduces the reader to the main character AND her location, etc.)
BUT there are also problems here. When you use terms like 1st, 2nd and 3rd without explaining them - you will totally turn your readers off. It's like you are starting the book right out using a secret code that you aren't letting your reader in on. Which is just not fair.
I went into the reviews you've already received to see if you had explained this and you had - but I wouldn't have guessed that this had been continents. This definitely needs explaining - and it will only take another word or two to share with the reader, right??
Other notes that occurred to me as I read:
1.) blonde, slim, killer green eyes, wavy hair, your usual blond dumb
--> this is written from Ramona's point of view. But MOST of us wouldn't go ahead and say that we had 'killer eyes', right?
--> most people would say something like, 'a lot of people SAY I have killer eyes...' (right??)
2.) At work, my boss calls me, hey You from Eastern Europe.
--> At work, my boss calls me, "Hey, you! From Eastern Europe!"
3.) When I went on the 2nd, I (did not feel) different, we had the same culture and customs,
--> past tense - this is something that happened before. It's over now.
--> (But I would really, strongly recommend saying something like:)
--> When I lived in Asia, I didn't feel any different. I was surrounded by the same culture and customs I had grown up with, the only difference was the language. (or whichever country it was.)
4.) the Ray Ray that leaves here it is a very politically correct person.
--> do you mean 'that lives here'?
5.) When I decided to move here was for the stupid love and hope for a better life.
--> I moved here for love and the hope of a better life.
6.) My love life it's a roller-coaster, my friends, most of them are fake as my smile!
--> My love life is a roller-coaster and most of my friends are fake as my smile!
7.) take of this full glass of poison, have you not (had) enough?
--> I saw the notes that person gave you - but you evidently had this right to begin with.
8.) The more you wait, the worse (things) will get.
9.) "I hate you, Ray Ray! Te urasc! mrazia te! Now you have it;
--> the font size goes different here - needs adjusting, please
I think this whole chapter has potential, but you need to slow down and imagine reading this fresh - coming to this as a new reader who doesn't know ANYTHING.
Remember we can't see anything in yoru head. We only know what you tell us. We can't see what you see - we only know what's on the page. If you don't make things clear - we jsut have a fuzzy image - and readers don't stick around for that.
I really hope you won't think I'm being rude and hateful. I'm telling you the same way I would want someone to tell me. I don't want to spin my wheels or waste my time -- and I hope you feel the same. To that end, I'm hoping this will help. If you have questions, feel free to holler back at me. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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Hi Robyn, thank you so much for your honest opinion. I am not trying to mislead the reader, this chapter is part of a book, so I am trying to reveal the answers to your questions gradually as the chapters are advancing. If you reveal everything from the beginning will you read the rest?
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Iza, I totally get the fact that an author uses mystery and intrigue to keep readers invested in a story. What I'm talking about is a matter of making a reader frustrated and irritated enough that they will put a book down and refuse to read any further.
We may be seeing things differently -- I'd love to encourage you and say go for it... you're just trying something new and different and that there will surely be readers out there somewhere... but I would just be lying. Certainly there may be, but I don't see it at the moment.
As much as I hate to repeat myself, these two chapters are entirely disjointed - you need SOMETHING to tie them together. OR consider putting them in reverse order? So that the reader, at least, gets to meet your MC first? Also, I didn't review the first chapter, but I did take a look at it, and it's riddled with nits. Not a great first look into your book - if you see what I mean. (I will try to get over to review and help with that when I can, IF you're still speaking to me after this... )
Of course, it's true that I have no idea what your objectives are with this book - so there's a possibility I'm totally off the wall. And then there's also the fact that I just get things wrong. A lot.
You are the only one who knows what you want from this novel - and what you are trying to do. I can come at it from a reader's and reviewer's perspective and offer my thoughts and comments. One thing I DO have - is that I am almost always going to be honest with you. Probably far too honest, if truth be told. But most folks here are sweet and polite and way too kind to really say what they think for fear of hurting feelings, if you know what I mean?
I've been writing for a long, long time. When I started there was NO ONE to help. It was a lonely hard road where you had to feel your way along and figure things out the hard way, over years and years. This site is amazing in that we CAN help each other improve our craft much faster. We can each grow MUCH quicker and get much better at alarming, amazing rates. But only if some of us are willing to say the hard stuff and if some of us are willing to put aside our prides and listen.
But again, here's the thing. You will hear a LOT of voices saying a LOT of things. (For example - that one person who suggested that line change and I told you to change it back.) There will be lots of voices. YOUR job is to listen closely to the noise and figure out who really knows what they're talking about -- AS IT PERTAINS TO YOU -- in EACH SITUATION.
It will change.
But you are a smart girl. And you have talent. So, you will figure this out. Just take your time and go slowly and think things through. Take what you like from what people suggest and what feels RIGHT. And what works with what your GOALS are, and chuck the rest.
The other thing to remember is that try to write your story a lot like you talk. Your messages to me are clear and concise and make perfect sense. When writers are telling stories, sometimes they try to get fancy and 'eloquent' and etc, and then they lose the story.
Do me a favor. ALWAYS read your chapters OUT LOUD when you're done and BEFORE YOU POST them for the readers. See if they sound like real people in a real world (it will also help you catch more of your nits and typos) -- your chaps pass THAT test, you know you are much closer to your target.
BTW, when you are creating a new post, you'll notice there is an option (in Advanced Editor) to work in 'Preview' mode. That's a great way to make sure you get your posts to look at good as you can before you release them.
Anyway -- babble, babble, blah, blah. I have no idea if any of this will help - or even make sense.
Obviously, I care -- hahaha - or I wouldn't have spent all this time here. Please know I am not trying to cut you down or be mean. I am here to help -- with the understanding that I'll need your help when you see my stuff come past you. Right???
Together, we all grow. *smile*
Now, if you're still awake and with me???? Have a marvelous weekend and Labor Day -- (in the US) Happy Day -
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No worried, remember I am living in the 3rd and my skin got pretty tough. I went and added the country as you suggested. My next chapter will bring back the story from the first chapter, I hope you will stick around and keep the comments coming:) Happy Labor Day from your neighbor Canada. And my English is third hand:) so please correct my grammar.
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Thank you for your wonderful writer's heart and for taking my comments as they were intended. Hugs--
Comment from Rikki66
We all admit it or not live behind a mask with multiple names. Most of us have a first, second or third persona, politicians have more than that.
Rick, Rickey, Rikki, Rikki LXVI, Hey You!
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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We all admit it or not live behind a mask with multiple names. Most of us have a first, second or third persona, politicians have more than that.
Rick, Rickey, Rikki, Rikki LXVI, Hey You!
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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Thank you😄just to rhyme with you😉
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You are truly welcome.
Rikki
Comment from kahpot
Another interesting read, though I am having trouble connecting it to chapter 1(noise) as there, two people were on a walk, just a couple of suggestions, you have spelt blonde as blond in the 7th line,-My love life is a roller coaster instead of it's a roller coaster,-the last paragraph "have you not had enough" instead of have you not have enough, I like the direction this story is going and you are describing the frustrations and confusing situation very well, well done ****kahpot
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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Another interesting read, though I am having trouble connecting it to chapter 1(noise) as there, two people were on a walk, just a couple of suggestions, you have spelt blonde as blond in the 7th line,-My love life is a roller coaster instead of it's a roller coaster,-the last paragraph "have you not had enough" instead of have you not have enough, I like the direction this story is going and you are describing the frustrations and confusing situation very well, well done ****kahpot
Comment Written 30-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review and for the grammar recommendations 😆I really appreciate this
Comment from Sylvia Page
Don't we all go through a life of fact-finding? You have demonstrated the growth of life well in this chapter. Life is what you make of the obstacles that are thrown at your progress. There are elements that will help you along while there are other elements that want to bring you down. Life is an ongoing battle with oneself and the world around you. Well written.
Best
Sylvia
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2019
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Don't we all go through a life of fact-finding? You have demonstrated the growth of life well in this chapter. Life is what you make of the obstacles that are thrown at your progress. There are elements that will help you along while there are other elements that want to bring you down. Life is an ongoing battle with oneself and the world around you. Well written.
Best
Sylvia
Comment Written 29-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind reviews and comments
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I hate the masks that I have to wear every single moment of my life.
Most of us spend life hiding behind our masks so we can please people rather than being ourselves. I call being myself, authenticity, and I try hard to achieve it. This is very well written, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2019
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I hate the masks that I have to wear every single moment of my life.
Most of us spend life hiding behind our masks so we can please people rather than being ourselves. I call being myself, authenticity, and I try hard to achieve it. This is very well written, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 28-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much, Debbie, your kind feelings means the world to me.
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Once more a beautifully reflective work. Sometimes I feel like life is working backwards. Not long ago, my job changed and a lot of people have gone. Myself and another who have been there more that 15 years see new faces and new leaders, who have no clue who we really are. All the years invested as an exemplary employee are. Is as though they never existed. I want to go back and be Ramona too! xoxo
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2019
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Once more a beautifully reflective work. Sometimes I feel like life is working backwards. Not long ago, my job changed and a lot of people have gone. Myself and another who have been there more that 15 years see new faces and new leaders, who have no clue who we really are. All the years invested as an exemplary employee are. Is as though they never existed. I want to go back and be Ramona too! xoxo
Comment Written 27-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2019
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Funny my sister from the other side of the world, I am currently going through something similar, and there is no way around than to resign and start all over.
Comment from DonandVicki
I will have to go back and get caught up on your story. This chapter certainly caught my attention and caused me to engage my imagination. You end a chapter keeping the reader in suspense.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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I will have to go back and get caught up on your story. This chapter certainly caught my attention and caused me to engage my imagination. You end a chapter keeping the reader in suspense.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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I recently read a book called The Bridge of Clay by Markus Zusak, I fell in love with his writing and I kind of started applying his method. Thank you so much for taking a chance on my piece and for your kind review.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Iza. I like this piece of writing very much. That is an expression a frustration and discontent. It is done very well. One phrase that I like in particular is: "my cheeks are hurting because of the fake smiles that I share left and right." Good writing. Robert
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
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Hello Iza. I like this piece of writing very much. That is an expression a frustration and discontent. It is done very well. One phrase that I like in particular is: "my cheeks are hurting because of the fake smiles that I share left and right." Good writing. Robert
Comment Written 24-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for this kind review🙃Mr. Robert
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You're welcome!
Comment from royowen
I think even if we have to hide our identities because of survival reasons, all of us wear these masks anyway, people will pigeon hole us for even the most spurious, even the so called purveyors of justice will do so, but I think I know what you mean. It's mans terminal pride and wickedness that does it. An excellent look at this dilemma, and incredibly well told. Blessings, Roy
Typo : the worse (it) will get.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
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I think even if we have to hide our identities because of survival reasons, all of us wear these masks anyway, people will pigeon hole us for even the most spurious, even the so called purveyors of justice will do so, but I think I know what you mean. It's mans terminal pride and wickedness that does it. An excellent look at this dilemma, and incredibly well told. Blessings, Roy
Typo : the worse (it) will get.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much, for your kind review Mr. Roy
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My pleasure
