Grazing Rights
There's a moral in every story.6 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Not seen many zebras playing by the roadside where I come from! lol! Makes a nice change.
Mandy was directed toward his cousins - Maney.
Told to go out to play the tiny herd grazed around in the small patches- should probably have a comma following play here.
"This grass is bland," Maney said, "Let's go eat that patch over there." - let's should start lower case. It's continuing dialogue where the previous dialogue and tag have been left open.
"Just where do you're going?" the smaller of the pups - feels like words are missing here. Maybe Where are you going? or Where do you think you're going? But this may affect the word count.
Circling their territory, the two miniature's snarled. - miniatures is just a plural here so no apostrophe is necessary.
Maney turned reared up his hind legs and kicked the snotty pinchers into - insert a comma after turned.
I'm not so sure the moral really fits the story that well. It seems to apply to the last sentences rather than anything that came before it. The tale seems to be leading to something about selfishness or pride.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Hi there,
Not seen many zebras playing by the roadside where I come from! lol! Makes a nice change.
Mandy was directed toward his cousins - Maney.
Told to go out to play the tiny herd grazed around in the small patches- should probably have a comma following play here.
"This grass is bland," Maney said, "Let's go eat that patch over there." - let's should start lower case. It's continuing dialogue where the previous dialogue and tag have been left open.
"Just where do you're going?" the smaller of the pups - feels like words are missing here. Maybe Where are you going? or Where do you think you're going? But this may affect the word count.
Circling their territory, the two miniature's snarled. - miniatures is just a plural here so no apostrophe is necessary.
Maney turned reared up his hind legs and kicked the snotty pinchers into - insert a comma after turned.
I'm not so sure the moral really fits the story that well. It seems to apply to the last sentences rather than anything that came before it. The tale seems to be leading to something about selfishness or pride.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you for your review. I will be sure to look into fixing them.
Comment from Agate Lucas
I love your note at the end, where you asked your nieces to give you animals for your fable (I sometimes do this too with my cousins...). I love the way you've written it; it's fluid and it flows; it's enjoyable, both for adults and children I would say. I also really liked the last sentence, with the opposition between "windshield" and "bug." Good job!
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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I love your note at the end, where you asked your nieces to give you animals for your fable (I sometimes do this too with my cousins...). I love the way you've written it; it's fluid and it flows; it's enjoyable, both for adults and children I would say. I also really liked the last sentence, with the opposition between "windshield" and "bug." Good job!
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you very much. I am so glad you liked it.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Your fable has a funny twist: "And the moral of the story is to be the windshield, not the bug." The story is beautiful and cheerful with the exception of the moment when the pups landed into traffic. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Your fable has a funny twist: "And the moral of the story is to be the windshield, not the bug." The story is beautiful and cheerful with the exception of the moment when the pups landed into traffic. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you very much for the review. That is not the moral I started with. The end took me a little by surprise as well.
Comment from tfawcus
I like the moral of your story! It seems that the country cousins got the upper hand here. Good on them. Just a couple of minor suggestions you might like to consider before the contest closes:
Told to go out to play(,) the tiny herd grazed around in the small patches of grass on the sidewalk between the light posts.
Maney scoffed at his cousins(,) embarrassed to be related to such scaredy cats. Puffing out his chest, he pranced toward the dark green silky patch of grass.
a content(ed) sigh
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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I like the moral of your story! It seems that the country cousins got the upper hand here. Good on them. Just a couple of minor suggestions you might like to consider before the contest closes:
Told to go out to play(,) the tiny herd grazed around in the small patches of grass on the sidewalk between the light posts.
Maney scoffed at his cousins(,) embarrassed to be related to such scaredy cats. Puffing out his chest, he pranced toward the dark green silky patch of grass.
a content(ed) sigh
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you for your review. I am happy you liked it. I will be sure to update the mistakes you found.
Comment from Patty Palmer
A cute modern fable! The story line is good. Your descriptions are good and can follow the story clearly. I do like the moral better to be the windshield than to be the bug! LOL
Patty
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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A cute modern fable! The story line is good. Your descriptions are good and can follow the story clearly. I do like the moral better to be the windshield than to be the bug! LOL
Patty
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you for your review. I am so glad you liked it. Funny about the moral though, I started the piece with a different one in mind, but the story went another direction. I love it when it does that.
Comment from DonandVicki
I like the moral of the story. It's better to be the windshield and not the bug. A very cute fable flash fiction. The image that you chose is perfect to complement your story.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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I like the moral of the story. It's better to be the windshield and not the bug. A very cute fable flash fiction. The image that you chose is perfect to complement your story.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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Thank you for your review/.
