Eric's Epic Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Ellie May Is Disappointed. "Another adventure for Eric
44 total reviews
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
So powerful, expressive and simple style of expression, how interestingly you have concluded the taletelling for your beloved grandson; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Write to Inspire, Change.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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So powerful, expressive and simple style of expression, how interestingly you have concluded the taletelling for your beloved grandson; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Write to Inspire, Change.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much, ALD for another of your lovely reviews. It's so nice to know you are reading my story. Thank you!! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is very well written, Sandra. You build the tension well and keep the reader thoroughly engaged. Suggestions:
" fast and loud" - would 'furiously' suffice?
"her nerves began to scatter" - would 'her nerves began to fray' work better?
"welled once more, this time she didn't bother to try and hide them" - Period after "more"; 'This time she didn't bother to try and hide it.'
Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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This is very well written, Sandra. You build the tension well and keep the reader thoroughly engaged. Suggestions:
" fast and loud" - would 'furiously' suffice?
"her nerves began to scatter" - would 'her nerves began to fray' work better?
"welled once more, this time she didn't bother to try and hide them" - Period after "more"; 'This time she didn't bother to try and hide it.'
Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you for those suggestions which I've taken. That was so kind of you to do that. I always appreciate good input and can't thank people enough when they give it. I do really appreciate you and yours. I'm so pleased you continue to enjoy the story. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Cheryl I
This is the first part I have read, but I found it very interesting and it held my attention. I think you did a fine job on it, and I am thinking I will go back and read what came before. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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This is the first part I have read, but I found it very interesting and it held my attention. I think you did a fine job on it, and I am thinking I will go back and read what came before. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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It would be lovely if you could, thank you so much for this really encouraging review, Cheryl. Big hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from nancy_e_davis
What a great picture! Just look at that smile! Your hubby did a good jib creating Herbie, Sandra. This is a great story. I can understand the Indians freaking out when they see Herbie. Of course they would think he was the Great Spirit because of the things he was capable of. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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What a great picture! Just look at that smile! Your hubby did a good jib creating Herbie, Sandra. This is a great story. I can understand the Indians freaking out when they see Herbie. Of course they would think he was the Great Spirit because of the things he was capable of. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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It's Eric's smile that gets me every time he asks me for something, that and the lovely cuddle I get when I say 'yes', Lol. I asked Graham if he could make me a model so I could use it for some pictures. Now I'll ask my friend if he'd mind doing some illustrations with Herbie in them. He did it for the first book with the aliens, and they were great. When Graham had finished making him, I was thrilled, it's just as I wanted him to be like. I was disappointed he didn't make him speak and fly! I don't ask for much!!! Lol. Thank you so much for another of your lovely review,s my friend. I'm so pleased you are still with me. Big hugs! Sandra xxx
Comment from barkingdog
The name Ellie May still brings up visions of 'The Beverly Hillbillies' TV show that ran for years in the USA. She was the blonde daughter. Jethro was the hunky son. You might consider changing your character's name to Ellie Lu or just plain Ellie.
YOUR Eric is a handsome fellow. Brilliant smile. Great photo.
I didn't see any errors.
Fine buildup of tension. Amusing that the Chief thought Herbie was the Great Spirit. haha
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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The name Ellie May still brings up visions of 'The Beverly Hillbillies' TV show that ran for years in the USA. She was the blonde daughter. Jethro was the hunky son. You might consider changing your character's name to Ellie Lu or just plain Ellie.
YOUR Eric is a handsome fellow. Brilliant smile. Great photo.
I didn't see any errors.
Fine buildup of tension. Amusing that the Chief thought Herbie was the Great Spirit. haha
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Hi Ellen, thank you so much for reading this part. I've had a couple of people mention Ellie May, but I have a bit of a problem. Eric's cousin, my young granddaughter, wanted to be in the story, so can you guess what her name is?? LOL, I couldn't change it if I wanted to, she would be so upset. She will be in the next picture. She played a young Indian girl in the school end of year play, and she was dressed in an Indian's costume. That's why she wanted to be in the story. What I have to do for my grandchildren!! Thank you for the lovely review, my friend. Big hugs, :)) Sandra xx
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Understood. :)
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed this chapter, Sandra. You did a good job with the action. I could see the events unfold. There is an air of mystery with the Indians and the Great Spirit and their beliefs that is portrayed well. Eric and Thomas seem so close to rescuing Ellie. Thanks for sharing. Jan
Suggestions or file 13
Hetiwa had just (delete just) finished braiding Ellie's hair, and went to the flap and looked out. She quickly closed it again and pulled the girl to her (,) and asked some questions, to which the girl answered. They both turned and looked at Ellie and frowned....)only 1 period needed)
Part 7
Moments later, the Indian girl came back, gabbled (babbled) something that upset Hetiwa even more. Ellie looked on so confused, her heart was thumping fast and loud as her nerves began to scatter.()not sure if scatter is right--maybe as her nervousness increased.)
Taking it, and with one almighty yank(,) she ran out(delete out) through the tent flap. Her pleasure at breaking away didn't last for(delete for) long when Ellie saw what had been going on and why Hetiwa was so worried.
Forcing her eyes back to the Indians(,) and with fingers crossed, Ellie willed her pa to be among them, but her search was in vain,(vain, She . . . ) she couldn't see him through all those Indians.
She'd almost made up her mind to stay where she was when Hetiwa's arms encircled her and gently pull(pulled) her back into the teepee.
Hetiwa watched her, sad for this child who was desperate to see her family again. If it was up to her this little girl would be taken back to her parents. Now (that) the Great Spirit was here, Hetiwa was more than a little afraid herself.
*****
"Where's your friend gone?" Thomas asked. "Is he (goin' to git my girl?") getting my girl?"
"You heard her? Why didn't you say something (somethin,'), I'da gone (to git her!") and got her!" With that, he started moving towards the Indians, determined to get through. His fear of them forgotten for a moment.
Thomas hesitated and looked back at Eric. ("Are you comin' with me?")"Do you want to come with me?"
Backing away from the flap(you use 'flap' a lot--maybe once in a while use 'tent opening), Hetiwa went over to stand by the two girls. The white girl ( was still seated with her head in her hands as she looked miserable at the ground. Next to her, the young Indian girl stared at Hetiwa whose face was etched in fear as the flap was lifted.) still sat with her head in her hands, miserably looking at the ground, while the young Indian girl was staring at Hetiwa, fear on her face as the flap was lifting...
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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I enjoyed this chapter, Sandra. You did a good job with the action. I could see the events unfold. There is an air of mystery with the Indians and the Great Spirit and their beliefs that is portrayed well. Eric and Thomas seem so close to rescuing Ellie. Thanks for sharing. Jan
Suggestions or file 13
Hetiwa had just (delete just) finished braiding Ellie's hair, and went to the flap and looked out. She quickly closed it again and pulled the girl to her (,) and asked some questions, to which the girl answered. They both turned and looked at Ellie and frowned....)only 1 period needed)
Part 7
Moments later, the Indian girl came back, gabbled (babbled) something that upset Hetiwa even more. Ellie looked on so confused, her heart was thumping fast and loud as her nerves began to scatter.()not sure if scatter is right--maybe as her nervousness increased.)
Taking it, and with one almighty yank(,) she ran out(delete out) through the tent flap. Her pleasure at breaking away didn't last for(delete for) long when Ellie saw what had been going on and why Hetiwa was so worried.
Forcing her eyes back to the Indians(,) and with fingers crossed, Ellie willed her pa to be among them, but her search was in vain,(vain, She . . . ) she couldn't see him through all those Indians.
She'd almost made up her mind to stay where she was when Hetiwa's arms encircled her and gently pull(pulled) her back into the teepee.
Hetiwa watched her, sad for this child who was desperate to see her family again. If it was up to her this little girl would be taken back to her parents. Now (that) the Great Spirit was here, Hetiwa was more than a little afraid herself.
*****
"Where's your friend gone?" Thomas asked. "Is he (goin' to git my girl?") getting my girl?"
"You heard her? Why didn't you say something (somethin,'), I'da gone (to git her!") and got her!" With that, he started moving towards the Indians, determined to get through. His fear of them forgotten for a moment.
Thomas hesitated and looked back at Eric. ("Are you comin' with me?")"Do you want to come with me?"
Backing away from the flap(you use 'flap' a lot--maybe once in a while use 'tent opening), Hetiwa went over to stand by the two girls. The white girl ( was still seated with her head in her hands as she looked miserable at the ground. Next to her, the young Indian girl stared at Hetiwa whose face was etched in fear as the flap was lifted.) still sat with her head in her hands, miserably looking at the ground, while the young Indian girl was staring at Hetiwa, fear on her face as the flap was lifting...
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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What a fabulous review, thank you so much, Jan. I've just made some of your corrections, but now I'm going to do it properly on my MS Copy, then paste it over in case I make any mistakes in the deleting. Which I've been known to do several times! It's so kind of you to do this, my friend, thank you. Big hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from robyn corum
Sandra,
I think it's AWESOME that you are writing this whole story for your grandson and that the MC just happens to have the same name! What a coincidence! Wow. Do you know the statistics of that happening???? Crazy, man!!
I enjoyed this chapter and though I haven't been following faithfully -- not sure about why I haven't, actually. Gotta check into that. (Weird.) --
I enjoyed it and was able to pick right up and understand everything easily - that's due to great writing . Kudos.
A couple comments, if I may? Small things I noticed as I read - that you are welcome to use or ignore...
1.) He would find out what it (was), later. He frowned, and although he said nothing, his feathered fans started twitching again.
2.) The POV issues in the tent scene up top bother me a wee bit. Ellie May really shouldn't be able to know what they are saying --and when you are in her POV but jump into their skins and allow us to know what they are thinking and saying -- that is a bit troubling.
--> I think if you stay in EM's pov and just allow her to pick out bits and pieces of what they're saying - like allow her to see the troubled expressions and pick up 'Great Spirit' and etc. we'll get the message that it's not her dad and still reach the same conclusions that she comes to. Just my two cents.
Thanks - enjoyed!
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Sandra,
I think it's AWESOME that you are writing this whole story for your grandson and that the MC just happens to have the same name! What a coincidence! Wow. Do you know the statistics of that happening???? Crazy, man!!
I enjoyed this chapter and though I haven't been following faithfully -- not sure about why I haven't, actually. Gotta check into that. (Weird.) --
I enjoyed it and was able to pick right up and understand everything easily - that's due to great writing . Kudos.
A couple comments, if I may? Small things I noticed as I read - that you are welcome to use or ignore...
1.) He would find out what it (was), later. He frowned, and although he said nothing, his feathered fans started twitching again.
2.) The POV issues in the tent scene up top bother me a wee bit. Ellie May really shouldn't be able to know what they are saying --and when you are in her POV but jump into their skins and allow us to know what they are thinking and saying -- that is a bit troubling.
--> I think if you stay in EM's pov and just allow her to pick out bits and pieces of what they're saying - like allow her to see the troubled expressions and pick up 'Great Spirit' and etc. we'll get the message that it's not her dad and still reach the same conclusions that she comes to. Just my two cents.
Thanks - enjoyed!
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Aw, thank you so much, Robin. I'm going to copy this and make the changes in my MS Copy. I'm terrible at making errors when it comes to deleting. I see what you mean about Hetiwa's conversation, this is why I'm not making the changes on here. I'm going to change the whole paragraph. I really should have thought of that in the beginning as this is the first time I've had one of the Indians actually speak as such. I really appreciate the input that is what I hope for in my reviews. You can add your two cents worth any time! lol. Thanks so much. I'm delighted you managed to pick it up easily enough and that you liked what you read. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from damommy
I thought that might be the real Eric before I read your notes. Handsome boy! And Herbie looks EXACTLY as I imagined him. Great job on that, too. Well, Herbie has the entire tribe held at bay. Now, it's just a matter of getting Ellie out of there and getting away safely.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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I thought that might be the real Eric before I read your notes. Handsome boy! And Herbie looks EXACTLY as I imagined him. Great job on that, too. Well, Herbie has the entire tribe held at bay. Now, it's just a matter of getting Ellie out of there and getting away safely.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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I asked Graham if he could make me a model of Herbie by the description of him, and bless him, he did! When I've finished writing the stories, I'll give it to Eric. Thank you for this lovely review, my friend. Ellie will be rescued soon. Big hugs!! Sandra xxx
Comment from the13thpoet
Happy Monday to you Sandra. As with all the other chapters, I also enjoyed this one. As this one adventure nears it's end I can't wait to see what the next adventure will bring for Eric and Herbie. Good job! Your grandson looks like you!
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Happy Monday to you Sandra. As with all the other chapters, I also enjoyed this one. As this one adventure nears it's end I can't wait to see what the next adventure will bring for Eric and Herbie. Good job! Your grandson looks like you!
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you for another of your lovely reviews, my friend! I really appreciate your support! Big hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Cindy Warren
Seems I've missed a few chapters. How did Ellie May end up with the Indians? It doesn't seem they want to hurt her, and she will soon be rescued. Great story.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Seems I've missed a few chapters. How did Ellie May end up with the Indians? It doesn't seem they want to hurt her, and she will soon be rescued. Great story.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Ellie May was taken from her home, the reason will be coming up soon. Thank you so much for coming and reading this part, I really appreciate you! :)) Sandra xx
