Eric's Epic Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Ellie May Is Disappointed. "Another adventure for Eric
44 total reviews
Comment from WryWriter
This was one great chapter! The suspense was thrilling! Each word so carefully chosen fit just right and paced beautifully. Super job on this one!
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2019
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This was one great chapter! The suspense was thrilling! Each word so carefully chosen fit just right and paced beautifully. Super job on this one!
Comment Written 28-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2019
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Thank you so very much for the shiny six stars, my friend! Your comments also made my day, thank you!! Big hugs, :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Lance S. Loria
Another nicely flowing chapter. Great consistency in story telling. I never feel confused about characters or events. No edits or adjustments necessary.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2019
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Another nicely flowing chapter. Great consistency in story telling. I never feel confused about characters or events. No edits or adjustments necessary.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much, Lance, for this lovely review! I really appreciate you reading this part after the promotion had ended. That was really kind of you! Thank you. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Good cliffhanger ending. Adventurous, mysterious, with a touch of a thrill. Ellie May does not seem to have much of a clue, but Eric appears to come across as a stronger character. Good pace and tone.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2019
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Good cliffhanger ending. Adventurous, mysterious, with a touch of a thrill. Ellie May does not seem to have much of a clue, but Eric appears to come across as a stronger character. Good pace and tone.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for reading this part, Brett. I wasn't sure how to portray Ellie. She is a girl born back in the early 1800s while Eric is from the here and now. And, Herbie, his flying, talking, alien drone would be terrifying to people back in those days. Eric is my grandson, so I have to make him a strong character. LOL, he'd be mighty angry with me if I didn't!! Thanks again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is well written as your stories always are, my friend. What a cute little guy (Herbie) and your grandson is a cutie as well. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
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This is well written as your stories always are, my friend. What a cute little guy (Herbie) and your grandson is a cutie as well. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
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Hi, Debbie, thank you so much for this lovely review. I'm sorry the promotion had finished and you didn't get the Mcp. I'll tell my hubby you think Herbie is cute! Eric is a cutie in more ways than one. He's a bundle of fun. Big hugs, my friend and have a lovely weekend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Ricky1024
"Elie May was disspointed'
Was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar issues as well.
.,.
Adjective Content and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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"Elie May was disspointed'
Was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar issues as well.
.,.
Adjective Content and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Hi Dr Ricky, thank you so much for this really nice review. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed my story. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from shaffer40
Your grandson is such a nice looking boy, and the story is something I know I would have loved when I was a kid. I might have mentioned this once before when reviewing something you wrote, but the dog is adorable.
The story is well written and exciting. I noted some things -- mostly punctuation and a few word change suggestions you might find useful.
*******************************************
Hetiwa had finished braiding Ellie's hair, and went to the flap and looked
out.
Suggest consistent past tense & omit comma: Hetiwa finished braiding
Ellie's hair and went to the flap and looked out.
Ellie looked on so confused, her heart was thumping furiously as her
nerves began to fray.
Misplaced comma: Ellie looked on, so confused her heart was thumping
furiously as her nerves began to fray.
Now the reason for Hetiwa's worry had been revealed, Ellie's hopes
relating it to her pa vanished.
I wonder whether you meant to say "Now that the reason..."
All this messing about boosting your ego is not helping!"
Suggest commas to make meaning clear: All this messing about,
boosting your ego, is not helping!"
If they think I am a Great Spirit, they won't dare defy me."
Suggest contraction: "If they think I'm a Great Spirit, they won't dare defy
me."
He would find out what it was, later.
Suggest omit comma.
When Herbie flew off, the Indian Chief followed, pointing to a few
members of the tribe to come with him.
Suggest clearer: When Herbie flew off, the Indian Chief followed, pointing
to a few members of the tribe he wished to accompany him.
standing on tiptoes watching Herbie as he hovered over the teepees.
Need comma: standing on tiptoes, watching Herbie as he hovered over
the teepees.
my protection will be gone, as well. -- Omit comma
It didn't take him long before he found the one Ellie was in.
Suggest: It didn't take him long to find the one Ellie was in.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Your grandson is such a nice looking boy, and the story is something I know I would have loved when I was a kid. I might have mentioned this once before when reviewing something you wrote, but the dog is adorable.
The story is well written and exciting. I noted some things -- mostly punctuation and a few word change suggestions you might find useful.
*******************************************
Hetiwa had finished braiding Ellie's hair, and went to the flap and looked
out.
Suggest consistent past tense & omit comma: Hetiwa finished braiding
Ellie's hair and went to the flap and looked out.
Ellie looked on so confused, her heart was thumping furiously as her
nerves began to fray.
Misplaced comma: Ellie looked on, so confused her heart was thumping
furiously as her nerves began to fray.
Now the reason for Hetiwa's worry had been revealed, Ellie's hopes
relating it to her pa vanished.
I wonder whether you meant to say "Now that the reason..."
All this messing about boosting your ego is not helping!"
Suggest commas to make meaning clear: All this messing about,
boosting your ego, is not helping!"
If they think I am a Great Spirit, they won't dare defy me."
Suggest contraction: "If they think I'm a Great Spirit, they won't dare defy
me."
He would find out what it was, later.
Suggest omit comma.
When Herbie flew off, the Indian Chief followed, pointing to a few
members of the tribe to come with him.
Suggest clearer: When Herbie flew off, the Indian Chief followed, pointing
to a few members of the tribe he wished to accompany him.
standing on tiptoes watching Herbie as he hovered over the teepees.
Need comma: standing on tiptoes, watching Herbie as he hovered over
the teepees.
my protection will be gone, as well. -- Omit comma
It didn't take him long before he found the one Ellie was in.
Suggest: It didn't take him long to find the one Ellie was in.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Thank you so very much for this lovely, helpful review, Shaffer, I really appreciated it. I've been right through and made the corrections, it was so kind of you to take the time to help. Biggest hugs, Sandra xxx
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You're welcome. I'm so glad you found it useful. xxx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Very nice photo, Sandra, and I love Herbie, too!
-This is a good chapter that shows Herbie in action,
and Eric's ability to speak with Thomas.
-His appreciation comes through in the story.
-He certainly doesn't want to
cause any trouble for his daughter.
-The scenes with Hetiwa and the girls are also good.
-Ellie does her best to get her pa's
attention, but to no avail.
-She is resigned to go back in
the tent and wonder what will happen.
-Hetiwa is worried, as well, that there
will be repercussions for having Ellie with her.
-Eric's plan to have Herbie scout
the area to find Ellie is a good one.
-He does so, and the Chief
will be going inside the teepee.
-I don't think he wants to displease the
Great Spirit, so he will do what is best for Ellie,
IMO! Very well done!
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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-Very nice photo, Sandra, and I love Herbie, too!
-This is a good chapter that shows Herbie in action,
and Eric's ability to speak with Thomas.
-His appreciation comes through in the story.
-He certainly doesn't want to
cause any trouble for his daughter.
-The scenes with Hetiwa and the girls are also good.
-Ellie does her best to get her pa's
attention, but to no avail.
-She is resigned to go back in
the tent and wonder what will happen.
-Hetiwa is worried, as well, that there
will be repercussions for having Ellie with her.
-Eric's plan to have Herbie scout
the area to find Ellie is a good one.
-He does so, and the Chief
will be going inside the teepee.
-I don't think he wants to displease the
Great Spirit, so he will do what is best for Ellie,
IMO! Very well done!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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I'm looking at Herbie now, lol. He is cute, isn't he? Thank you so much, Pam, for this amazing review, and the array of golden stars. Your opinion is spot on as you will see soon. Biggest hugs, my wonderful friend. :)) Sandra xx
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Yes, Herbie is very cute. You are very welcome for the review and stars. I appreciate your reply, too!
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
Great picture!!
I think you've handled this chapter very well. Maybe Herbie will become a part of Indian lore, with tales passed down from one generation to another
of how the Great Spirit appeared in the shape of a large yellow egg and flew through the air. How he could see through a teepee and find a missing girl.
Eric is, indeed, wise for his age, recognizing the Thomas and his family might be in danger when he and Herbie left.
And what about that Medicine Man? There may be more here than meets the eye. Is he an alien, too! :)
Another cliff-hanger ending, like the old serial shows.
Well done
I'll be sure to tune in for the next exciting episode.
Robert
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Hello Sandra,
Great picture!!
I think you've handled this chapter very well. Maybe Herbie will become a part of Indian lore, with tales passed down from one generation to another
of how the Great Spirit appeared in the shape of a large yellow egg and flew through the air. How he could see through a teepee and find a missing girl.
Eric is, indeed, wise for his age, recognizing the Thomas and his family might be in danger when he and Herbie left.
And what about that Medicine Man? There may be more here than meets the eye. Is he an alien, too! :)
Another cliff-hanger ending, like the old serial shows.
Well done
I'll be sure to tune in for the next exciting episode.
Robert
Comment Written 22-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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LOL! Absolutely! Herbie will definitely be remembered through the ages. Thank you so much for another lovely review, my friend, and for giving me all those beautiful stars. Big hugs. :Sandra xx
Comment from alexisleech
Poor Ellie May. Unlike Eric, she doesn't have a clue as to what is going on. I think it's good that children reading this have their fears removed that something might happen to Eric or her father (as long as Herbie is about) It means they can concentrate on the story, and not be distracted by their anxiety.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Poor Ellie May. Unlike Eric, she doesn't have a clue as to what is going on. I think it's good that children reading this have their fears removed that something might happen to Eric or her father (as long as Herbie is about) It means they can concentrate on the story, and not be distracted by their anxiety.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 22-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
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Hi Alexis, thank you so much for the wonderful six stars, and lovely review. I feel sorry for Ellie May, too. But I'm sure her ordeal will come to an end soon. Big hugs, dear friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Alex Rosel
I liked this. I think it continues in a manner a child will relate to {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
What's going on? A sudden spark of hope replaced her fear as a possible answer came. -- This confused me. Who is doing the thinking here. I think I'm confused because the last person explicitly referenced is the paleface girl. However, after that, the Indian girl is implicitly referenced by "the Indian girl threw a sidelong glance [...] before nodding and leaving the teepee again."
Of course, it becomes clear who this thought belongs to with the next paragraph, but that sort of requires a doubletake.
She didn't think she would ever see him or her ma again. He wasn't there. -- I'd omit the "He wasn't there". The prose has already established that. Even children will get it without repetition.
All this because they asked him if he was a Great Spirit. There'll be no living with him now! -- I love this. I'm sure the humour will resonate with children {smiles}.
his feathered fans started twitching again. -- Nice imagery {smiles}.
Inside the teepee, Hetiwa had been peering through a little gap in the side of the teepee, -- If this was mine, I'd omit the "in the side of the teepee". First, you're repeating "teepee" in the same sentence. Second, "in the side" seems irrelevant detail to me. Just my personal preference...
whose face betrayed her fear as the flap was lifting... -- I'd use "whose face betrayed her fear as the flap lifted..." It just reads better to me.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2019
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I liked this. I think it continues in a manner a child will relate to {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
What's going on? A sudden spark of hope replaced her fear as a possible answer came. -- This confused me. Who is doing the thinking here. I think I'm confused because the last person explicitly referenced is the paleface girl. However, after that, the Indian girl is implicitly referenced by "the Indian girl threw a sidelong glance [...] before nodding and leaving the teepee again."
Of course, it becomes clear who this thought belongs to with the next paragraph, but that sort of requires a doubletake.
She didn't think she would ever see him or her ma again. He wasn't there. -- I'd omit the "He wasn't there". The prose has already established that. Even children will get it without repetition.
All this because they asked him if he was a Great Spirit. There'll be no living with him now! -- I love this. I'm sure the humour will resonate with children {smiles}.
his feathered fans started twitching again. -- Nice imagery {smiles}.
Inside the teepee, Hetiwa had been peering through a little gap in the side of the teepee, -- If this was mine, I'd omit the "in the side of the teepee". First, you're repeating "teepee" in the same sentence. Second, "in the side" seems irrelevant detail to me. Just my personal preference...
whose face betrayed her fear as the flap was lifting... -- I'd use "whose face betrayed her fear as the flap lifted..." It just reads better to me.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2019
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Hi, Alex, thank you so much for this detailed review. I read over that paragraph that you found confusing, and agree. I've changed the words to:
What's going on? A sudden spark of hope replaced *Ellie's* fear as a possible answer....
I've removed, 'He wasn't there'
and finished the 'teepee' sentence at 'gap...' and changed 'was lifting' to 'lifted'
That was so kind of you to take the time to go through it for me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. :)) Sandra xx
