Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "A Teddy Bear's Silhouette"Flash Fiction
18 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That is horrid. This is such a powerful short story that really hits hard when it suddenly sinks in what is going on. I think using the teddybear metaphor works well with this story, but how terrifying it must be for the child, which I gather from your profile notes, is you. Good luck in the contest, I think you will do well, it's a strong entry. Best of luck! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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That is horrid. This is such a powerful short story that really hits hard when it suddenly sinks in what is going on. I think using the teddybear metaphor works well with this story, but how terrifying it must be for the child, which I gather from your profile notes, is you. Good luck in the contest, I think you will do well, it's a strong entry. Best of luck! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 19-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much. It's not me, I had different abuse. But I thought the twist would be strong. Really, thank you Sandra.
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
you may want to check your word count on this one. I make it 148, so it's 2 short. the issue comes if you use a word counter. I think it's counted the two uses of the ellipsis (...) as words.
This is a very powerful piece which I think will do well in the contest once the wordage is corrected.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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hi there,
you may want to check your word count on this one. I make it 148, so it's 2 short. the issue comes if you use a word counter. I think it's counted the two uses of the ellipsis (...) as words.
This is a very powerful piece which I think will do well in the contest once the wordage is corrected.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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Oh you're the BEST!!! THANK YOU. TO be honest I am going to edit it a bit. Do you think I could possibly run it by you when I'm done. Just to make sure? Totally fine if not. Thank you!!
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Just let me know and I'll read over again. I think this is very good
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Hi, I'm sorry, I can't seem to be sure if the word count is exact. Would you mind terribly checking? Truly I would appreciate it. And thank you for the compliment. :)
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Hi! I redid it completely. I'd LOVE to know your thoughts. Please don't feel obligated though! :)
Comment from Rikki66
I have seen this story too many times on Fan story, Facebook, Instagram and other platforms it is a shame, the chararacers differ, dad, mom uncle, teacher the only constant the torchured child.
Rikki: LXVI
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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I have seen this story too many times on Fan story, Facebook, Instagram and other platforms it is a shame, the chararacers differ, dad, mom uncle, teacher the only constant the torchured child.
Rikki: LXVI
Comment Written 16-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you Rikki, I really appreciate it.
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Welcome,
LXVI
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you tell a complete story in exactly 150 words. The content is both poignant and compelling, painting a vividly ugly picture of what goes on in the mind of the helpless abused child. I fear I will never look at a teddy bear the same way again. Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you tell a complete story in exactly 150 words. The content is both poignant and compelling, painting a vividly ugly picture of what goes on in the mind of the helpless abused child. I fear I will never look at a teddy bear the same way again. Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you. I'm glad you liked it even though it was dark. Have a great day!
Comment from nancy_e_davis
That would be a nightmare for any young child. A nightmare that could haunt them all the way to maturity. Well done Gregory. Child abuse is a terrible thing and is hard to spot or prove for that matter, but pity the poor child who is subject to the father's abuse when Mother has to work late. Great flash fiction about sexual abuse, my friend. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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That would be a nightmare for any young child. A nightmare that could haunt them all the way to maturity. Well done Gregory. Child abuse is a terrible thing and is hard to spot or prove for that matter, but pity the poor child who is subject to the father's abuse when Mother has to work late. Great flash fiction about sexual abuse, my friend. Nancy:)
Comment Written 16-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Yes indeed. Thank you Nabcy! I thought thebtwist would be strong for the contest. Really thank you.
Comment from rama devi
Unique and very descriptive. Well paced. Great deep POV. I'm not sure I understand if the closing line is meant to be a twist? Usually, flash fiction should have a twist. But it may be just me, as I'm a bit tired. Or is it meant to imply mom is the bear, metaphorically?
Oh! I read it again and realize the bear is DAD. So sad and tragic that children have to hide from abusive fathers.
No nits but one suggestion on this line:
I'd lie motionless a bit longer, aware that its agitation would grow under my complacency.
Since this is flash, I suggest trimming THAT, as it is unnecessary.
Lots of Smiles, Blessings and Love,
rd
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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Unique and very descriptive. Well paced. Great deep POV. I'm not sure I understand if the closing line is meant to be a twist? Usually, flash fiction should have a twist. But it may be just me, as I'm a bit tired. Or is it meant to imply mom is the bear, metaphorically?
Oh! I read it again and realize the bear is DAD. So sad and tragic that children have to hide from abusive fathers.
No nits but one suggestion on this line:
I'd lie motionless a bit longer, aware that its agitation would grow under my complacency.
Since this is flash, I suggest trimming THAT, as it is unnecessary.
Lots of Smiles, Blessings and Love,
rd
Comment Written 16-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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I'll def do that. Yeah the twist was the mom wasn't home. Only thevdad. It's okay I'll take this one down.
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I changed it a bit.
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Oh! I had never meant to give this four stars. Wonder how that happened? Slip of the mouse.
It's good...more clear about the dad. I recommend a slight trim using a contraction here:
There is no bond of love.
There's no bond of love.
And i miss the line about never getting between a mother bear and her cubs.
It's a fine story. Five stars...will upgrade. Never meant a four or I would have said so. I should probably not review when tired...
Love,
rd
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Haha that's okay. To be very honest, I scrambled to correct the story to make the twist more clear. About five minutes. I'm going to rework before the deadline. Would you mind taking a peek when I do? You're great thank you.
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Sure...just let me know. I will visit only a bit later though...
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Hi! I haven't edited it really but I redid it completely. I'd Love to get your take. No need to review of course, but I am just curious if it's any good now.
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Btw. I a have gotten very much into Apologetics in my spiritual journey. The logical side and ability you defend Christianity.
But.
I just came across the Gospel of Thomas and ore gnostic literature. The west has been UNTAUGHT spirituality and the ways to communicate with the language of the universe. There is a bridge between east and west. I am approaching my mental health that way too.
What I'm trying to say, as I ramble, is that I am very much interested and searching the ways of the east. Including yoga, mediation and even Accupuncture.
Have a really good day :)
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Oh WOW! Now is it OUTSTANDING! Bravo. More dramatic. More impacting. Polished. Kudos!
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Wonderful to hear of your intent to integrate the spiritual paths of East and West. I believe many Westerners are called to do that as a way for the universe to balance the planet...which is so needed at this time...and during this era when global communication has transformed intensely.
There are many who believe Jesus spent many years studying spirituality in India, actually. That feels quite possible to me, as much of his teaching echoes Eastern thoughts but in his own way.
In addition to meditation, yoga and Acupuncture, I recommend exploring 'pranayama'(breathing practices), 'Karma Yoga' (selfless service) and 'kirtan' (devotional singing).
Warmest Smiles, OM and NAMASTE,
rd
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I'm on it. Have you ever heard of Qigong? I'm starting that too. And a really good one, Mingtong gu I think? He does that and sound healing.
I also think Jesus practiced in the East. There are stories of him, ancient and guarded texts, about a man mysteriously sounding like Jesus, who visited there.
Comment from damommy
When one is alone at night, things are magnified in our subconscious and imagination. It seems the teddy bear grew bigger in each dream. Good story told in such a short piece. I did wonder about 'our' dream.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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When one is alone at night, things are magnified in our subconscious and imagination. It seems the teddy bear grew bigger in each dream. Good story told in such a short piece. I did wonder about 'our' dream.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I redid it as the message was too vague. Now the twist is clearer. Have a Great day!
Comment from country ranch writer
something should be done to keep children safe from harm. The children are afraid of their preditator as they threaten harm if one tells. So much of this goes on in real life.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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something should be done to keep children safe from harm. The children are afraid of their preditator as they threaten harm if one tells. So much of this goes on in real life.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I love when you review. I redid it as the message was too vague. Now the twist is clearer. Have a Great day!
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Smiles
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Smiles
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Okay I redid it. I wonder if it's too obvious to be a "twist" now though. Hm.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
The nightmare appears so real as the feelings and excitement of the teddy bear's silhouette gets a mention that brought a peculiar experience; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Write to Inspire, Change.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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The nightmare appears so real as the feelings and excitement of the teddy bear's silhouette gets a mention that brought a peculiar experience; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Write to Inspire, Change.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I redid it as the message was too vague. Now the twist is clearer. Have a Great day!
Comment from Pantygynt
Knowing just a little about you from way back I wonder if this is rea,ly the fiction it purports to be. Nightmares can be so completely illogical so it I easy to accept his account of the nightmare being true even if the incidence of the nightmare isn't or even vice versa.
Whatever, it is a good story.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Knowing just a little about you from way back I wonder if this is rea,ly the fiction it purports to be. Nightmares can be so completely illogical so it I easy to accept his account of the nightmare being true even if the incidence of the nightmare isn't or even vice versa.
Whatever, it is a good story.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I redid it as the message was too vague. Now the twist is clearer. Have a Great day! I love seeing your name :)
