The Book of Miracles
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "1 Noise"The adventures of Eastern European in America
11 total reviews
Comment from DonandVicki
I think that you have a very good beginning to this story, the dialogue that you created bring the characters to life. The image that you chose pulls the reader in to the chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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I think that you have a very good beginning to this story, the dialogue that you created bring the characters to life. The image that you chose pulls the reader in to the chapter.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for your generous review
Comment from F. Wehr3
Hi, Iza. I wanted to give you some feedback on your contest offering. I found some parts of this humorous, but it was also difficult to follow. After the contest is over, you may want to go back and actually add details. A five hundred word limit is very confining, especially for a chapter.
Since this is the first review I've ever given you and I don't know what you're looking for in terms of help, I'll give you some of the basics.
Why don't you wear headphones like anybody else?"--Did you mean everybody else?
"Sorry Ray Ray I can't it is against my experiment. But you can wear these" said him handing me a noise cancellation headphones."-- When you're addresing some one directly, even if it's a pet name, use a comma before their name. In this case, a comma before Ray-Ray and after because you continue the sentence. So your sentence would look like this. "Sorry, Ray Ray, I can't. It's against my experiment, but you can wear these," he said, handing me noise cancellation headphones. -- Note the sentence structure above and where I made changes. You have three complete sentences. --The next point is dialogue or speech tags. When you use he said she said Bob said, use a comma to end your sentence within the quotation marks ( note Actions are different). As a part of your speech tag you move into an action, but it's in a a different verb tense. That's why the comma is between said and handing.
"Why should I wear them, I am not the one making the noise!"-- This called a comma splice. I would make two complete sentences. "Why should I wear them? I'm not the one making noise!"
"Ray, Ray I can't, remember what the doctor said: fried brain, bad hearing! I know in your country it is ok to eat fry brains, but I like mine as it is very much, so the music stays. And there is also the experiment."-- Ray Ray, I can't. Remember what the doctor said? Fried brain--bad hearing?
Overall, I liked what you've got so far. Please feel free to ask questions, and I hope you find this useful.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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Hi, Iza. I wanted to give you some feedback on your contest offering. I found some parts of this humorous, but it was also difficult to follow. After the contest is over, you may want to go back and actually add details. A five hundred word limit is very confining, especially for a chapter.
Since this is the first review I've ever given you and I don't know what you're looking for in terms of help, I'll give you some of the basics.
Why don't you wear headphones like anybody else?"--Did you mean everybody else?
"Sorry Ray Ray I can't it is against my experiment. But you can wear these" said him handing me a noise cancellation headphones."-- When you're addresing some one directly, even if it's a pet name, use a comma before their name. In this case, a comma before Ray-Ray and after because you continue the sentence. So your sentence would look like this. "Sorry, Ray Ray, I can't. It's against my experiment, but you can wear these," he said, handing me noise cancellation headphones. -- Note the sentence structure above and where I made changes. You have three complete sentences. --The next point is dialogue or speech tags. When you use he said she said Bob said, use a comma to end your sentence within the quotation marks ( note Actions are different). As a part of your speech tag you move into an action, but it's in a a different verb tense. That's why the comma is between said and handing.
"Why should I wear them, I am not the one making the noise!"-- This called a comma splice. I would make two complete sentences. "Why should I wear them? I'm not the one making noise!"
"Ray, Ray I can't, remember what the doctor said: fried brain, bad hearing! I know in your country it is ok to eat fry brains, but I like mine as it is very much, so the music stays. And there is also the experiment."-- Ray Ray, I can't. Remember what the doctor said? Fried brain--bad hearing?
Overall, I liked what you've got so far. Please feel free to ask questions, and I hope you find this useful.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 21-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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Good Afternoon Russell, and thank you so much for the grammar corrections I really appreciate that:) English is not my first language, but I want to write, since I am in an English speaking country, so please continue to give me feed back when you have a free moment. So sorry sounds like a need a babysitter :) Have a blessed day
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a cohesive chapter within the required word count. The concept of your new book sounds intriguing and I look forward to reading more. Good luck in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a cohesive chapter within the required word count. The concept of your new book sounds intriguing and I look forward to reading more. Good luck in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for taking a chance on me writing:)
Comment from Patty Palmer
This is really good. The idea is a good subject, debate over noise and profanity versus quiet and serenity (profanity).
That being said, I had a difficult time distinguishing between Jess talking and Ray Ray speaking. I'm sure its probably me not reading it right,
Good luck with the contest
Patty
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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This is really good. The idea is a good subject, debate over noise and profanity versus quiet and serenity (profanity).
That being said, I had a difficult time distinguishing between Jess talking and Ray Ray speaking. I'm sure its probably me not reading it right,
Good luck with the contest
Patty
Comment Written 17-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for having the patience to read it till the end.
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You're welcome!
Comment from Alex Rosel
I enjoyed reading this. You've thrown some curved balls at the reader {smiles}. Neatly done!
In general, names that are repeated, like "Ray Ray" don't warren a comma. In places you've written "Ray, Ray". I'd omit the comma.
Here are a few more points you might like to consider:
Why don't you wear headphones like anybody else?" -- If this was mine, I'd use "like everyone else" instead of "like anybody else". It just reads better to me.
"Sorry Ray Ray I can't it is against my experiment. But you can wear these" said him handing me a noise cancellation headphones. -- I find "said him" awkward. The reader will likely need to double-take to work out who "him" is. I'd also omit the "a" from "handing me a noise cancellation headphones". Finally, I'd formation it differently, including punctuation so it conveys its meaning more effectively, thus:
"Sorry Ray Ray, I can't. It is against my experiment. But you can wear these," he said, handing me noise cancellation headphones.
"Jess, what are you talking about? Holy..." -- Spag? An em dash is the usual punctuation to indicate interrupted speech. An ellipsis punctuates where words are left out of a sentence or trail off, but the sentence can still be understood. Since Jess is interrupting Ray Ray, I'd punctuate this as:
"Jess, what are you talking about? Holy--"
"Ray-Ray stopped it, don't swear, Grammarly is suggesting that the phrase holy shit that you wanted to use is not appropriate, so you should say: Holy Guacamole!' -- Ha, ha. I love this unexpected turn in the narrative. Neatly done {smiles}.
I am going to take that phone and stick into your mother's fortune ass. -- Spag? I assume you meant to type I am going to take that phone and stick it into your mother's fortune ass.
Then we will see how is the guacamole business doing is." -- Spag? And I assume you included an unwanted "is" here. Thus: Then we will see how is [omit] the guacamole business is doing."
Well if my phone stays in the pocket next to my waist, I could fry some fat belly... 1 Ha, ha. Again, I love this {smiles}.
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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I enjoyed reading this. You've thrown some curved balls at the reader {smiles}. Neatly done!
In general, names that are repeated, like "Ray Ray" don't warren a comma. In places you've written "Ray, Ray". I'd omit the comma.
Here are a few more points you might like to consider:
Why don't you wear headphones like anybody else?" -- If this was mine, I'd use "like everyone else" instead of "like anybody else". It just reads better to me.
"Sorry Ray Ray I can't it is against my experiment. But you can wear these" said him handing me a noise cancellation headphones. -- I find "said him" awkward. The reader will likely need to double-take to work out who "him" is. I'd also omit the "a" from "handing me a noise cancellation headphones". Finally, I'd formation it differently, including punctuation so it conveys its meaning more effectively, thus:
"Sorry Ray Ray, I can't. It is against my experiment. But you can wear these," he said, handing me noise cancellation headphones.
"Jess, what are you talking about? Holy..." -- Spag? An em dash is the usual punctuation to indicate interrupted speech. An ellipsis punctuates where words are left out of a sentence or trail off, but the sentence can still be understood. Since Jess is interrupting Ray Ray, I'd punctuate this as:
"Jess, what are you talking about? Holy--"
"Ray-Ray stopped it, don't swear, Grammarly is suggesting that the phrase holy shit that you wanted to use is not appropriate, so you should say: Holy Guacamole!' -- Ha, ha. I love this unexpected turn in the narrative. Neatly done {smiles}.
I am going to take that phone and stick into your mother's fortune ass. -- Spag? I assume you meant to type I am going to take that phone and stick it into your mother's fortune ass.
Then we will see how is the guacamole business doing is." -- Spag? And I assume you included an unwanted "is" here. Thus: Then we will see how is [omit] the guacamole business is doing."
Well if my phone stays in the pocket next to my waist, I could fry some fat belly... 1 Ha, ha. Again, I love this {smiles}.
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for taking the time to review and point our my grammar. English is my second language so I'm doing my best to learn from people such yourself:)
Comment from LisaMay
Your story is a fresh approach, full of irritation and interest... and very relevant to our world of miscommunication, NOISE, cross-cultural complexities, selfish behaviour, and dependence on Internet for education.
I especially like this sentence: 'your music is killing the view.'
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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Your story is a fresh approach, full of irritation and interest... and very relevant to our world of miscommunication, NOISE, cross-cultural complexities, selfish behaviour, and dependence on Internet for education.
I especially like this sentence: 'your music is killing the view.'
Comment Written 17-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for taking a chance on this piece:)
Comment from kahpot
The story line of the two talking is very interesting with their different views of a walk, some of the dialogue is a bit confusing as the I think maybe the two different cultures are colliding so maybe this will become clearer later in the story, very well done and best wishes for your contest****kahpot
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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The story line of the two talking is very interesting with their different views of a walk, some of the dialogue is a bit confusing as the I think maybe the two different cultures are colliding so maybe this will become clearer later in the story, very well done and best wishes for your contest****kahpot
Comment Written 12-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much. Frankly, I don't know yet which way this is going, but I hope it will be an funny read.
Comment from Loredana
I am curious to know what the experiment is. Good start. The dialog drove me crazy, so I empathized with the character a lot.
A couple of comments:
2nd paragraph. "Sorry Ray Ray I can't It is against my experiment." I think there's the need for punctuation after 'sorry'. Also, this sounds like a run-on sentence. So a ';' after 'can't' would solve the issue.
5th paragraph. I think you meant 'stop it' and not 'stopped it' unless this is the way you want the foreigner to speak. I think that Jess is the foreigner here, right? I think I also know Jess's country.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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I am curious to know what the experiment is. Good start. The dialog drove me crazy, so I empathized with the character a lot.
A couple of comments:
2nd paragraph. "Sorry Ray Ray I can't It is against my experiment." I think there's the need for punctuation after 'sorry'. Also, this sounds like a run-on sentence. So a ';' after 'can't' would solve the issue.
5th paragraph. I think you meant 'stop it' and not 'stopped it' unless this is the way you want the foreigner to speak. I think that Jess is the foreigner here, right? I think I also know Jess's country.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for reading it. Jess is the local he smokes some green stuff and sometimes talk dumb dumb. Ray Ray is the foreigner. If you wait for the second chapter will be more. And the experiment is to lose weight by keeping your phone close to your belly-blasting music against it.
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Ahhhh, I thought there was another experiment besides the one of the phone. Yeah, that one I got it and I wished it worked hahah. I need to re read it because I thought Ray Ray made the comment about eating fried brain to Jess. Thanks for the reply.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Iza
"Grammarly is suggesting that [phrase] holy shit ..." I think that you should add the word phrase so it is better understood what you are saying.
The story line is pretty good ... easily understood and the conversation realistic. I can imagine these two squabbling and taking a walk talking about things.
Well done and good luck.
xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Hi Iza
"Grammarly is suggesting that [phrase] holy shit ..." I think that you should add the word phrase so it is better understood what you are saying.
The story line is pretty good ... easily understood and the conversation realistic. I can imagine these two squabbling and taking a walk talking about things.
Well done and good luck.
xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 12-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to review my work and also your suggestion is much appreciated.
Comment from Diana L Crawford
This is awesome! You got me cracking up! What a great idea to include Grammarly in your story!! Does it really offer other words as sub for cuss words? Ha! I think I'm going to rather enjoy this book of yours :) xoxo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
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This is awesome! You got me cracking up! What a great idea to include Grammarly in your story!! Does it really offer other words as sub for cuss words? Ha! I think I'm going to rather enjoy this book of yours :) xoxo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2019
No it doesn't, but I got pissed off at my husband he trusts everything Grammarly says, so I had to put it down:) Thank you so much for becoming a fan, I think you are a water spirit just like me. I felt an instant connection with your writing.
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Thank you! I am an earth sign but in love with water people! They are my soul compliment! I lived this story! Ray ray short for Rachel by chance?
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No, you are going to laugh Ray Ray is short for Ramona, you will find why in chapter too. And I am earth sing too, I am a Virgo with an ascendant in Pisces my life is the beach, but I live currently in an icy country.
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Oh my fellow earth person I?m a Taurus with an Aquarian moon! I love Virgo men and I love Pisces men and I love Scorpio men, Even though they are so very different from one another. I asked about Ray Ray being Rachel because that?s the nickname I gave my daughter who?s name is Rachel. Well thank you for finding me beautiful Ramona! xoxo
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And there is no place I?d rather be then on the beach near water I live in the country on a county line!! Lolol
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Virgo and Taurus match in heaven, Virgo with Virgo match in "what the hell;:)
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Lolol!!
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A lot of the love poems in my portfolio were inspiration by a beautiful Virgo man I was in love with once. He passed away several years ago without ever knowing the beautiful words he brought out of me. Timing wasn?t right back many years ago, but he was a great love of mine.
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Ok so sorry to hear that. I am married to a Virgo the only inspiration he brings me is holy guacamole 😉
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Haha!!!!!!!!!!
