Monica
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Monica Chapter 6"A woman becomes fixated on Rob
13 total reviews
Comment from royowen
Monica had lured Lonnie McGovern to a place that was more or less deserted, and hit him with a hammer, when he bends to pick up a scarf she had lain as a decoy. But people who are clued up are aware that he is missing. Now is this a beginning of her downfall. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019
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Monica had lured Lonnie McGovern to a place that was more or less deserted, and hit him with a hammer, when he bends to pick up a scarf she had lain as a decoy. But people who are clued up are aware that he is missing. Now is this a beginning of her downfall. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 13-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019
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Thank you sir. rox
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Well done
Comment from Alex Rosel
Your narrative is consistently pacy. There's nothing wrong with that. Some readers want the action flowing quick and fast {smiles}
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
If she had to dig out a bullet, she didn't want to have to use her fingers again. -- I like this. It's great characterization. She's not too cold to kill, but doesn't want to get her fingers messy {smiles}.
The moon was behind a cloud most of the time and the stars were a no show. It was dark and deserted along the road. She used a flashlight with little fear of being seen. People went to bed early in Big Sky. -- There's a lot of repetition here. If this was mine, I'd look to reword it. I've highlighted the repetition here:
The moon was behind a cloud most of the time and the stars were a no show [implying it's a dark night]. It was dark [that's repeating it's dark] and deserted along the road [informing the reader nobody else is about]. She used a flashlight [again, implying it's dark] with little fear of being seen [repeating the info nobody else is about]. People went to bed early in Big Sky[the implication of this is nobody else is about, therefore sort of repetitions].
she walked the fourth mile with little effort -- This says she's already walked three miles, and I assume that's not what you mean. Maybe this is better she walked the short distance [you've already informed the reader it's one fourth of a mile, so there's no need to repeat the distance] with little effort.
Lonnie's not answering his phone and his boss is afraid he died in his sleep or something. -- This doesn't work for me. Why would someone immediately assume he's died in his sleep. Maybe be worried he's ill, yes I can believe that. Just saying...
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reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019
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Your narrative is consistently pacy. There's nothing wrong with that. Some readers want the action flowing quick and fast {smiles}
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
If she had to dig out a bullet, she didn't want to have to use her fingers again. -- I like this. It's great characterization. She's not too cold to kill, but doesn't want to get her fingers messy {smiles}.
The moon was behind a cloud most of the time and the stars were a no show. It was dark and deserted along the road. She used a flashlight with little fear of being seen. People went to bed early in Big Sky. -- There's a lot of repetition here. If this was mine, I'd look to reword it. I've highlighted the repetition here:
The moon was behind a cloud most of the time and the stars were a no show [implying it's a dark night]. It was dark [that's repeating it's dark] and deserted along the road [informing the reader nobody else is about]. She used a flashlight [again, implying it's dark] with little fear of being seen [repeating the info nobody else is about]. People went to bed early in Big Sky[the implication of this is nobody else is about, therefore sort of repetitions].
she walked the fourth mile with little effort -- This says she's already walked three miles, and I assume that's not what you mean. Maybe this is better she walked the short distance [you've already informed the reader it's one fourth of a mile, so there's no need to repeat the distance] with little effort.
Lonnie's not answering his phone and his boss is afraid he died in his sleep or something. -- This doesn't work for me. Why would someone immediately assume he's died in his sleep. Maybe be worried he's ill, yes I can believe that. Just saying...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019
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Thanks for the helps.
I had Lonnie's boss worried because he didn't look good and wasn't answering his phone. If he felt he was just sick, he could have checked on him himself, but if he fears he dead, he wouldn't want to go check on him. I wouldn't at least. So he asks the police to do it. I added that he had heart problems so hopefully they will make is sound more plausible.
Anyway, I made other changes you suggested. Thanks for the help and review. Rox
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Supernatural influence and mysticism continued, I liked this chapter, simple and generalized plot development, realistic and contributory dialogues, curious ending; well said, well done. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
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reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019
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Supernatural influence and mysticism continued, I liked this chapter, simple and generalized plot development, realistic and contributory dialogues, curious ending; well said, well done. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019
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Thank you sir. Rox
