Down the river
an event occured on vacation4 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Montanino
It's hard to stick to 100 words, but I think it might add a bit of personality if there was so dialogue instead of all exposition. I don't think a boat falls into the water. It sinks. Maybe say: he paddled in the water, instead of, he swam like a little dog. I would eliminate the word "eventually," because it sounds like he was in no hurry and this would trigger a sense of urgency. It also doesn't match your next sentence where you said, "quickly. The word "quickly" might sound a little better if it came before "grabbed." I would say, "His father returned the boat, cut short their vacation, and was relieved to arrive home." Or something like that. I hope this helps and I hope you do well in your contest!
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It's hard to stick to 100 words, but I think it might add a bit of personality if there was so dialogue instead of all exposition. I don't think a boat falls into the water. It sinks. Maybe say: he paddled in the water, instead of, he swam like a little dog. I would eliminate the word "eventually," because it sounds like he was in no hurry and this would trigger a sense of urgency. It also doesn't match your next sentence where you said, "quickly. The word "quickly" might sound a little better if it came before "grabbed." I would say, "His father returned the boat, cut short their vacation, and was relieved to arrive home." Or something like that. I hope this helps and I hope you do well in your contest!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2019
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Very nicely written for the contest, I did not manually count the words but I assume you did. I would put spaces between the paragraphs for ease of reading
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Very nicely written for the contest, I did not manually count the words but I assume you did. I would put spaces between the paragraphs for ease of reading
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
Comment from the13thpoet
Happy Thursday to you. Thank you for sharing your flash fiction story with us. To tell a story in just a hundred words is difficult, I think you executed well. Good job and good luck in the contest.
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Happy Thursday to you. Thank you for sharing your flash fiction story with us. To tell a story in just a hundred words is difficult, I think you executed well. Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
Comment from Kiera Haley
This is an interesting idea, but right now it just reads like a series of facts. It could be much more interesting if you write about specific details of how Bernard's dad felt as the boat tipped or if you give an image for readers to hold to. With flash fiction you really have to decide which details are important and which aren't for the specific message or image you want to convey. For example, I don't need to know where they were geographically as much as I want to know what the water looked like. With a few minor tweaks, this could be a great story!
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This is an interesting idea, but right now it just reads like a series of facts. It could be much more interesting if you write about specific details of how Bernard's dad felt as the boat tipped or if you give an image for readers to hold to. With flash fiction you really have to decide which details are important and which aren't for the specific message or image you want to convey. For example, I don't need to know where they were geographically as much as I want to know what the water looked like. With a few minor tweaks, this could be a great story!
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
