St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "St. Louis Chapter 10 part 3"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
21 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Yep, I concur, doesn't seem wise at all for Mac to be contemplating this one. lol
"I think the timings off." Bill tapped the tongs p- timing's (timing is)
Logan had been sitting quietly listening to the banter between McKenzie and Bill. - I'm not sure banter is the best choice here. it suggests light-heartedness and this came across as definitely not that way.
"Mac, did you forget yesterday we went to the gym and sparred." - perhaps a question mark in here.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
  |
Yep, I concur, doesn't seem wise at all for Mac to be contemplating this one. lol
"I think the timings off." Bill tapped the tongs p- timing's (timing is)
Logan had been sitting quietly listening to the banter between McKenzie and Bill. - I'm not sure banter is the best choice here. it suggests light-heartedness and this came across as definitely not that way.
"Mac, did you forget yesterday we went to the gym and sparred." - perhaps a question mark in here.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2019
-
I made the corrections and changed the word from banter to argument. Thank you.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Quite a nice chapter and story-telling with an easygoing discussion of who should do what. The scene was not without life, it was written in a very realistic manner. I like it.
He are a few nits to sort out...
"I know Jose, and he does great uncover (did you mean undercover?) work
"When did you two become my boss?"(I think it should be in the plural...bosses) She faced Mitch
Best wishes
Sylvia
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2019
|
Quite a nice chapter and story-telling with an easygoing discussion of who should do what. The scene was not without life, it was written in a very realistic manner. I like it.
He are a few nits to sort out...
"I know Jose, and he does great uncover (did you mean undercover?) work
"When did you two become my boss?"(I think it should be in the plural...bosses) She faced Mitch
Best wishes
Sylvia
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2019
-
I had changed the bosses once before. DARN!!! Maybe I forgot to save. I have made the corrections. Thank you for the help.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I enjoyed reading this. In particular, I liked the interplay between the characters. Each has a distinct persona. On the whole, it's a smooth narrative {smiles}.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
After Logan stretched out his legs, he said -- In general, if the narrative follows the normal chronology, time modifiers are unnecessary, and if used, they tend to detract from the pace of the prose. You do this in quite a few places. In this case, After is a redundant time modifier that might be beneficially omitted. If this was mine, I'd reword it as:
Logan stretched out his legs, and said,
This has the added advantage of doing away with referencing the same person with a proper noun and a pronoun in the same sentence.
Mac, I know you'll argue with this idea but with Logan's training he'd better at this than Jose or his partner. -- Spag? Do you mean he'd be better instead of he'd better?
"Mac, did you forget yesterday we went to the gym and sparred." -- Spag? As this is a question, it needs a question mark. I'd format it as: "Mac, did you forget? Yesterday we went to the gym and sparred."
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2019
|
I enjoyed reading this. In particular, I liked the interplay between the characters. Each has a distinct persona. On the whole, it's a smooth narrative {smiles}.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
After Logan stretched out his legs, he said -- In general, if the narrative follows the normal chronology, time modifiers are unnecessary, and if used, they tend to detract from the pace of the prose. You do this in quite a few places. In this case, After is a redundant time modifier that might be beneficially omitted. If this was mine, I'd reword it as:
Logan stretched out his legs, and said,
This has the added advantage of doing away with referencing the same person with a proper noun and a pronoun in the same sentence.
Mac, I know you'll argue with this idea but with Logan's training he'd better at this than Jose or his partner. -- Spag? Do you mean he'd be better instead of he'd better?
"Mac, did you forget yesterday we went to the gym and sparred." -- Spag? As this is a question, it needs a question mark. I'd format it as: "Mac, did you forget? Yesterday we went to the gym and sparred."
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2019
-
I have made the corrections. I appreciate the help.
Comment from LeftHandedScribe
You accomplish something that many writers fail to do...you build tension and know just the right moment to release it. Your experience as a story teller is evident even in this one excerpt. I learned much reading your chapter.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
|
You accomplish something that many writers fail to do...you build tension and know just the right moment to release it. Your experience as a story teller is evident even in this one excerpt. I learned much reading your chapter.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from susand3022
Hi Barbara, You know... I'm with Logan... I'm not in the way of thinking that this poker game is such a good idea... lol I'm sure it's going to make for an interesting part of the book though! ;) Looking forward to it! :)
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
|
Hi Barbara, You know... I'm with Logan... I'm not in the way of thinking that this poker game is such a good idea... lol I'm sure it's going to make for an interesting part of the book though! ;) Looking forward to it! :)
Comment Written 06-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
-
I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea either but we will have to wait and see. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Dawn Munro
1) "When did you two become my boss(es)?"
2) "...but with Logan's training(,) he'd (be) better..."
Well, aside from a couple of minor nits, your chapter is great! I LOVE this, Barbara.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
 |
1) "When did you two become my boss(es)?"
2) "...but with Logan's training(,) he'd (be) better..."
Well, aside from a couple of minor nits, your chapter is great! I LOVE this, Barbara.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
-
I really appreciate the catches. I have made the changes. I have a really bad habit of leaving out little words. When I edit my brain reads it as if they are there. Thank you.
Comment from BOO ghost
He's probably (also) into drugs. (Also is not necessary. It's a good rule of thumb to trim unnecessary words.)
Mac could buy into a seat and probably nobody would be suspicious.(Delete probably. About repeating adverbs that are close together. As a rule of thumb, use adverbs and adjectives sparingly. Too many makes it purple prose. None makes it read conical.)
"Wait a minute!" McKenzie glared at Bill, who was standing by the smoker. "When did you two become my boss?" She faced Mitch. "I'll be happy to do it. I'm sure I could get close to him. I could play up to his male ego." (You mix in passive voice instead of saying she said or he said. It adds details and show. Well done! Your prose flows smoothly and I see no nig flaws in your mechanics. I read the whole chapter. It is well written. My recommendation is to keep using as much show as you can. Sometimes active voice works better. Sometimes passive voice works better. It adds more vital details. I kinda just hopped on it. I think your character list is very helpful for those whom missed previous chapters. We got our own voice. The mistake some make is they try to rewrite the whole story. And you write in a natural voice. That is, you write like people talk and not by the strict grammar rules. Perfect grammar is not always best when writing dialogue. You must speak naturally. My suggestion is to limit adverbs and adjectives. The story was smooth and you mix in dialogue with the narrative. I hope you the best finishing this book! Im here to help the prose writers. Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
|
He's probably (also) into drugs. (Also is not necessary. It's a good rule of thumb to trim unnecessary words.)
Mac could buy into a seat and probably nobody would be suspicious.(Delete probably. About repeating adverbs that are close together. As a rule of thumb, use adverbs and adjectives sparingly. Too many makes it purple prose. None makes it read conical.)
"Wait a minute!" McKenzie glared at Bill, who was standing by the smoker. "When did you two become my boss?" She faced Mitch. "I'll be happy to do it. I'm sure I could get close to him. I could play up to his male ego." (You mix in passive voice instead of saying she said or he said. It adds details and show. Well done! Your prose flows smoothly and I see no nig flaws in your mechanics. I read the whole chapter. It is well written. My recommendation is to keep using as much show as you can. Sometimes active voice works better. Sometimes passive voice works better. It adds more vital details. I kinda just hopped on it. I think your character list is very helpful for those whom missed previous chapters. We got our own voice. The mistake some make is they try to rewrite the whole story. And you write in a natural voice. That is, you write like people talk and not by the strict grammar rules. Perfect grammar is not always best when writing dialogue. You must speak naturally. My suggestion is to limit adverbs and adjectives. The story was smooth and you mix in dialogue with the narrative. I hope you the best finishing this book! Im here to help the prose writers. Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
-
I try to cut all unnecessary words and I see I missed a few in this post. Thank you for the catch. I appreciate ALL help. That's why I'm on the site. I hope you stop by again.
-
I will be focusing on prose writers. You're not obligated to make changes. They are suggestions. Have a good day!
Comment from the13thpoet
Happy Monday to you Barbara. I enjoyed reading this latest installment of your book. It was a smooth and seamless continuation, I'm enjoying the characters even though McKenzie is too headstrong for her own good. Can't wait to read more.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
|
Happy Monday to you Barbara. I enjoyed reading this latest installment of your book. It was a smooth and seamless continuation, I'm enjoying the characters even though McKenzie is too headstrong for her own good. Can't wait to read more.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
-
McKenzie's stubbornness will get her into trouble. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
There is a good catch in the beginning, orderly plotted, plot developed reasonably, realistic dialogues, sound characterization, logical climax, resolved ending; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
|
There is a good catch in the beginning, orderly plotted, plot developed reasonably, realistic dialogues, sound characterization, logical climax, resolved ending; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
-
Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the post. The dialogue was spot on and pushed the story forward. To me it helped form an image of each character and their individual mindsets. The interaction between each had made me believe they've known one another for some years as well as helping me to define their uniqueness.
Observation:
How close is (the) brisket?"
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
|
Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the post. The dialogue was spot on and pushed the story forward. To me it helped form an image of each character and their individual mindsets. The interaction between each had made me believe they've known one another for some years as well as helping me to define their uniqueness.
Observation:
How close is (the) brisket?"
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
-
Thank you for the catch. I have made the correction. I have a bad habit of leaving out the small words and when I edit, I read thinking the word is there. I appreciate the help.
