Eric's Epic Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Eric Tries To Be Friends"Another adventure for Eric
32 total reviews
Comment from Y. M. Roger
So, I know it isn't a laughing matter, but I couldn't help but giggle at Herbie 'beaming' the Chief and the entire tribe losing it! Especially after their grand entrance and the silent standoff... Oh, dear! And, now we're hanging 'til next time!! ;) LOL! Thanx so much for sharing! :) Yvette
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
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So, I know it isn't a laughing matter, but I couldn't help but giggle at Herbie 'beaming' the Chief and the entire tribe losing it! Especially after their grand entrance and the silent standoff... Oh, dear! And, now we're hanging 'til next time!! ;) LOL! Thanx so much for sharing! :) Yvette
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019
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I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part, Yvette, I have to make it fun and exciting for my 11-year-old grandson while he struggles with his dyslexia. His school is buying copies when it's finished, (they bought the last one, Eric and the Aliens!) So, I have to get it right! You have really have made my day with your review. Thank you! :) Sandra xx
Comment from Gail Denham
Good story so far - I notice you're going back and forth in viewpoints - guess that's ok in a story - can you give the Indians reactions in action and in supposition from Eric and Thomas - instead of jumping back and forth? Just a thought. I like the part about the films.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Good story so far - I notice you're going back and forth in viewpoints - guess that's ok in a story - can you give the Indians reactions in action and in supposition from Eric and Thomas - instead of jumping back and forth? Just a thought. I like the part about the films.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Hi Gail, I'll take a look at that, I'm sure I can make some changes that will make it come across in a more natural way. Thank you so much for your input. That was really helpful. Thank you also for your support, I do appreciate you reading my story. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from the13thpoet
A happy Monday to you Sandra. That was a great continuation of the story. I have found your previous chapters to be well written and engaging and this one has not disappointed. I can't wait to read more. Great job!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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A happy Monday to you Sandra. That was a great continuation of the story. I have found your previous chapters to be well written and engaging and this one has not disappointed. I can't wait to read more. Great job!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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A happy Monday to you, too, my friend. And thank you so much for another really nice review. I'm delighted that you are enjoying my story. Warm hugs, :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh my. It seems Herbie really started something now. This is a fun read, you can imagine how the Indians would feel seeing someone like Eric and Herbie. Looking forward to the next chapter. Rox
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Oh my. It seems Herbie really started something now. This is a fun read, you can imagine how the Indians would feel seeing someone like Eric and Herbie. Looking forward to the next chapter. Rox
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Hello, Rox! I think Herbie got fed-up waiting for something to happen. We'll see what he learns in the next part. Thank you so very much for this lovely review, my friend. Big hugs. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from aryr
An amazing chapter Sandra. I think it is great that Eric, Herbie and Gizmo are able to time travel but and I do know it is to save Ellie May, but what a time to travel back to. Hostile Indians surround them in intrigue, amazement and even frustration and Thomas is greatly disturbed by the actions that got him there. Very well done, lots of activity details and a great level of suspense. Much appreciated, smiles and hugs.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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An amazing chapter Sandra. I think it is great that Eric, Herbie and Gizmo are able to time travel but and I do know it is to save Ellie May, but what a time to travel back to. Hostile Indians surround them in intrigue, amazement and even frustration and Thomas is greatly disturbed by the actions that got him there. Very well done, lots of activity details and a great level of suspense. Much appreciated, smiles and hugs.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Hi Alie, thank you so much for another one of your lovely reviews. They certainly did pick an awful time, didn't they? I wonder how they'll fare with the Indians now that Herbie has decided to take over. Lots of fun ahead! Big hugs, dear friend. :)) Sandra xx
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You are most welcome Sandra, only time will tell, but I eagerly await future adventures. Hugs and smiles.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
You have shown through this artistically and masterly crafted fiction the truth that happiness is not given and not easy to attain, it has to be achieved; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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You have shown through this artistically and masterly crafted fiction the truth that happiness is not given and not easy to attain, it has to be achieved; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
Comment Written 05-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Thank you so very much for coming and reviewing my story, ALD, I really appreciate it. I'm so pleased you enjoyed reading it. Big hugs! :) Sandra xx
Comment from shaffer40
I thought you might be British when I saw the spelling of "colour." I took you at your word and made a number of suggestions to make the writing in this adventure more concise and flow better--and a few punctuation corrections.
According to the Internet, the Arapaho tribe lived in tent-like homes called tepees. They started out in what is now Minnesota and ended up on the Western plains. I admire your foray into the history of the old West and the Native Americans and connecting it to aliens.
*******************************************
Thomas's anger as his head snapped up, drained away and all colour left
his face leaving what could only be described as a sickly green tinge.
Commas missing and misplaced only:
Suggest to limit commas: As his head snapped up, Thomas's anger
drained away, and all colour left his face, leaving what could be
described only as a sickly green tinge.
Then, as one, the whole village burst into a storm of action.
Suggest don't need "as one": The entire village burst into a storm of
action.
The men seized their bows and tomahawks, yelling to each other as they
tried to quickly gather themselves together.
"gather together" is redundant; quickly implied
The men seized their bows and tomahawks, yelling to each other as they
gathered themselves.
Women were dashing around in a frenzy of panic, grabbing the children
who were scared and crying, not understanding what on earth was
going on.
[Gerund and extra verbiage bog down the writing and weaken images.]
Suggest: In a state of panic, the women grabbed their frightened, crying
children and, as Eric watched, disappeared into their teepees.
Within a short space of time, there were many more Indians appearing
from all corners of the camp, now banded together they came
towards Thomas and Eric with slow careful steps.
Again, omit gerund.
Suggest: Within a short space of time Indians appeared from all corners
of the camp. Banded together, they came toward Thomas and Eric
with slow, careful steps.
Eric watched, his weird fascination coming to the fore again as they
slotted their arrows in their bowstrings as they moved along, ready
to fire. None took their eyes off the strange pair they saw in front of
them.
Extra verbiage and "as they" used twice
Suggest: Eric watched, his weird fascination coming to the fore. The
Indians slotted their arrows in their bowstrings and, keeping their
eyes on the strange pair, moved along, ready to fire.
It was then that the Indian closest recognised Thomas as the father of
Ellie May. He pointed him out as he told the rest of the tribe who this
white man was.
Suggest: It was then that the Indian closest to them recognised Thomas
as Ellie May's father and identified him to the tribe.
pointed on both of them
Suggest: pointed on the two men
They didn't have to say anything; Eric could see it all in their eyes. He
was their target. As they moved closer, the paint markings some of
them had on their faces became a lot clearer.
Suggest: They didn't have to say anything; Eric could see it in their eyes.
He was their target. As they moved closer, the paint markings on
their faces became clearer.
That's a bit unfair!
Hedge words weaken. Suggest: That's unfair!
Just as Eric was about to ask Herbie to do something to help him, the
Indians stopped.
Suggest: Just as Eric was about to ask Herbie's help, the Indians stopped.
their fear multiplied
Suggest: their fear intensified
and for a double whammy, he gave a little wave, as well.
Suggest omit: "as well."
They turned and looked at each other, it was clear that Eric had spooked
them. Their eyes jumped from the bike to Herbie and up to Eric.
Suggest reorganize: It was clear that Eric had spooked them. The looked
at each other, then from the bike to Herbie and up to Eric.
"Now what are ya going to do? Thomas muttered, careful not to take his
eyes off of the Indians with their arrows pointed at him.
Suggest omit use of "Indians" again. End quote missing.
"Now, what are ya going to do?" Thomas muttered, careful not to take his
eyes off the arrows pointed at him.
wouldn't be good for my health, either!
Suggest omit exclamation point.
"Don't they have cinemas here?" Eric asked Herbie quietly.
Probably don't need assignation here, weakens the question.
"But I doubt it seeing
Comma after "it"
giving Eric and Thomas wary looks at the same time.
Suggest: shooting wary looks at Eric and Thomas.
A soft murmuring swept through the tribe, and Eric watched as the
Indians lowered their bows before parting to create a pathway for
three elderly Indians to walk through.
Probably can omit the watching. Suggest:
A soft murmur swept through the tribe. They lowered their bows and
parted, creating a pathway for three elderly Indians to walk through.
tomahawks raised ready to strike....
Comma after "raised"
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
|
I thought you might be British when I saw the spelling of "colour." I took you at your word and made a number of suggestions to make the writing in this adventure more concise and flow better--and a few punctuation corrections.
According to the Internet, the Arapaho tribe lived in tent-like homes called tepees. They started out in what is now Minnesota and ended up on the Western plains. I admire your foray into the history of the old West and the Native Americans and connecting it to aliens.
*******************************************
Thomas's anger as his head snapped up, drained away and all colour left
his face leaving what could only be described as a sickly green tinge.
Commas missing and misplaced only:
Suggest to limit commas: As his head snapped up, Thomas's anger
drained away, and all colour left his face, leaving what could be
described only as a sickly green tinge.
Then, as one, the whole village burst into a storm of action.
Suggest don't need "as one": The entire village burst into a storm of
action.
The men seized their bows and tomahawks, yelling to each other as they
tried to quickly gather themselves together.
"gather together" is redundant; quickly implied
The men seized their bows and tomahawks, yelling to each other as they
gathered themselves.
Women were dashing around in a frenzy of panic, grabbing the children
who were scared and crying, not understanding what on earth was
going on.
[Gerund and extra verbiage bog down the writing and weaken images.]
Suggest: In a state of panic, the women grabbed their frightened, crying
children and, as Eric watched, disappeared into their teepees.
Within a short space of time, there were many more Indians appearing
from all corners of the camp, now banded together they came
towards Thomas and Eric with slow careful steps.
Again, omit gerund.
Suggest: Within a short space of time Indians appeared from all corners
of the camp. Banded together, they came toward Thomas and Eric
with slow, careful steps.
Eric watched, his weird fascination coming to the fore again as they
slotted their arrows in their bowstrings as they moved along, ready
to fire. None took their eyes off the strange pair they saw in front of
them.
Extra verbiage and "as they" used twice
Suggest: Eric watched, his weird fascination coming to the fore. The
Indians slotted their arrows in their bowstrings and, keeping their
eyes on the strange pair, moved along, ready to fire.
It was then that the Indian closest recognised Thomas as the father of
Ellie May. He pointed him out as he told the rest of the tribe who this
white man was.
Suggest: It was then that the Indian closest to them recognised Thomas
as Ellie May's father and identified him to the tribe.
pointed on both of them
Suggest: pointed on the two men
They didn't have to say anything; Eric could see it all in their eyes. He
was their target. As they moved closer, the paint markings some of
them had on their faces became a lot clearer.
Suggest: They didn't have to say anything; Eric could see it in their eyes.
He was their target. As they moved closer, the paint markings on
their faces became clearer.
That's a bit unfair!
Hedge words weaken. Suggest: That's unfair!
Just as Eric was about to ask Herbie to do something to help him, the
Indians stopped.
Suggest: Just as Eric was about to ask Herbie's help, the Indians stopped.
their fear multiplied
Suggest: their fear intensified
and for a double whammy, he gave a little wave, as well.
Suggest omit: "as well."
They turned and looked at each other, it was clear that Eric had spooked
them. Their eyes jumped from the bike to Herbie and up to Eric.
Suggest reorganize: It was clear that Eric had spooked them. The looked
at each other, then from the bike to Herbie and up to Eric.
"Now what are ya going to do? Thomas muttered, careful not to take his
eyes off of the Indians with their arrows pointed at him.
Suggest omit use of "Indians" again. End quote missing.
"Now, what are ya going to do?" Thomas muttered, careful not to take his
eyes off the arrows pointed at him.
wouldn't be good for my health, either!
Suggest omit exclamation point.
"Don't they have cinemas here?" Eric asked Herbie quietly.
Probably don't need assignation here, weakens the question.
"But I doubt it seeing
Comma after "it"
giving Eric and Thomas wary looks at the same time.
Suggest: shooting wary looks at Eric and Thomas.
A soft murmuring swept through the tribe, and Eric watched as the
Indians lowered their bows before parting to create a pathway for
three elderly Indians to walk through.
Probably can omit the watching. Suggest:
A soft murmur swept through the tribe. They lowered their bows and
parted, creating a pathway for three elderly Indians to walk through.
tomahawks raised ready to strike....
Comma after "raised"
Comment Written 04-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for taking all that time to review and edit this part! I'm going to copy and past this to my MS copy, and make the corrections. If I do it on here, I'll make mistakes. I made a start on here but decided it would be better doing it the other way. Thank you again, that was so kind of you. This story is for my 11-year-old grandson, Eric. I'll be writing a series of adventures for him. The first book was 'Eric and the Aliens.' I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. :)) Sandra xx
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You're so welcome. I know your grandson will enjoy this story.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello sandramitchell
You are doing so wee with writing about Eric and his adventure with the Indians especially when Eric turned to Herbie. "What about you, can you speak to him?"
"No. But if I scan his brain, I'll be able to download his language.
my question is did Herbie scan the chiefs brain so he could understand what he was saying?
Gert
Gert
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Hello sandramitchell
You are doing so wee with writing about Eric and his adventure with the Indians especially when Eric turned to Herbie. "What about you, can you speak to him?"
"No. But if I scan his brain, I'll be able to download his language.
my question is did Herbie scan the chiefs brain so he could understand what he was saying?
Gert
Gert
Comment Written 04-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Hello, Gert, thank you so much for your lovely comments. Herbie is downloading the Arapaho language into his hard drive. We have to hope none of the arrows hit him!! Watch this space! Lol. Thanks, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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Hello sandramitchell
You are so welcome. I will be waiting tto see if any of the trows hit Herbie
Gert
Comment from royowen
This has come to a very important impasse, the arrows might start flying shortly if Herbie can't find a solution to these problems that have arisen since they were projected into the Indian village. I think you're getting better at this novel lurk, a brilliant new Enid Blyton, (I wonder if kids know who she is?) well done, sticky situation for Eric and his new found friend, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2019
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This has come to a very important impasse, the arrows might start flying shortly if Herbie can't find a solution to these problems that have arisen since they were projected into the Indian village. I think you're getting better at this novel lurk, a brilliant new Enid Blyton, (I wonder if kids know who she is?) well done, sticky situation for Eric and his new found friend, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 04-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2019
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Thank you, Roy! That is such a lovely compliment. Next part is crucial to our intrepid explorer, now he'll find out if the Wise One was telling the truth about him being safe! Big hugs, my dear friend. :)) Sandra xx
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Looking forward, faith Eric
Comment from SLMorrical
A wonderful chapter. This is definitely a story from a child's eyes. I know when my sons were younger they loved indian stories. This flows very well. Once again an amazing job for a children's book.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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A wonderful chapter. This is definitely a story from a child's eyes. I know when my sons were younger they loved indian stories. This flows very well. Once again an amazing job for a children's book.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much, Sandra, for another of your lovely reviews. I remembered my brother as a child dressing up as a cowboy. I had to be rescued! Such fun times we had back then when there wasn't computers and electronic games. Thanks again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
