Debt Collector
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Bittersweet End"Unpaid loans can be deadly.
10 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
How can Rebecca be alive if her body was cold and lifeless? I'm very glad that she is okay, but a bit more explanation from the EMS guy would help a lot.
A lot of action and blood, so I read with one eye closed. All ends well, and no one likes a happy ending more than I do. Bravo.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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How can Rebecca be alive if her body was cold and lifeless? I'm very glad that she is okay, but a bit more explanation from the EMS guy would help a lot.
A lot of action and blood, so I read with one eye closed. All ends well, and no one likes a happy ending more than I do. Bravo.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I'm glad you liked the ending. After everything I put them through they deserved a happy ever after.
You're right, that needs to be changed. I replaced lifeless body with frail body and I have the EMT administer CPR. Going to look at it again tomorrow, see what else can be done.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship. It means a lot to me take care.
Comment from Richard Jesel
(A shower of bullets sprays across the room as Jeff pulls the trigger again and again. Luigi and Bambini's bloody bodies stumble backward and then folds to the floor. "No one hurts my family, no one, not while I'm alive," Jeff screams.)
I would suggest this change. ---
Jeff pulled the trigger as fast as he could, spraying the room with bullets. Luigi and Bambini, bloody and bullet riddled, stumble back a few steps before folding to the floor, dead.
Jeff pants, staring a second at the bodies on the floor before screaming, "No one hurts my family, you hear me you dead fucks! No one!" Then quietly, as if to himself, "Not while I'm alive."
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2019
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(A shower of bullets sprays across the room as Jeff pulls the trigger again and again. Luigi and Bambini's bloody bodies stumble backward and then folds to the floor. "No one hurts my family, no one, not while I'm alive," Jeff screams.)
I would suggest this change. ---
Jeff pulled the trigger as fast as he could, spraying the room with bullets. Luigi and Bambini, bloody and bullet riddled, stumble back a few steps before folding to the floor, dead.
Jeff pants, staring a second at the bodies on the floor before screaming, "No one hurts my family, you hear me you dead fucks! No one!" Then quietly, as if to himself, "Not while I'm alive."
Comment Written 02-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter. You get right to the point. I hope you liked the rest of the chapter? I will consider your suggestion, like the bullet-riddled part very well, take care.
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Thank you. Let me know if you want me to post any other suggestions I might come across in a re-read. I'm not perfect but I do have a kind of savant-like ability to edit people's work.
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I'd appreciate it, if you have the time.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Excellent! I liked much the diverse pattern of realistic and contributory dialogues and organized and balanced structured plot development, good and believable characters; formal and curious ending; well said, well done. I enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2019
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Excellent! I liked much the diverse pattern of realistic and contributory dialogues and organized and balanced structured plot development, good and believable characters; formal and curious ending; well said, well done. I enjoyed the read. Keep Writing, Inspiring, Changing
Comment Written 01-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review I'm glad you enjoyed it. The Donalsons had quite an experience.
Thank you again for your wonderful review, take care.
Comment from royowen
I'm so glad that Rebecca was alive, Julie got self defence, and they'll have mercy on Jeff if he'll testify against Bambino and co, Joe has finally confessed his love for Rachel, and she kisses him, I wonder if Julie kept her promise to God, well done, a great story, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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I'm so glad that Rebecca was alive, Julie got self defence, and they'll have mercy on Jeff if he'll testify against Bambino and co, Joe has finally confessed his love for Rachel, and she kisses him, I wonder if Julie kept her promise to God, well done, a great story, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 31-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review I'm glad you enjoyed the conclusion. A happy ending all around. Well, except for Bambini's family. Hopefully, they'll find peace and move on. I'm sure Julie did.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship. It means a lot to me, take care.
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Good job
Comment from the13thpoet
Happy Wednesday to you Mistydawn. That was a great story. It was very well written and kept me engaged from beginning to end. Great job! I love all the suspense hoping from scene to scene. To keep someone on the edge of their seat while reading isn't easy but you have done that. Thank you!
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Happy Wednesday to you Mistydawn. That was a great story. It was very well written and kept me engaged from beginning to end. Great job! I love all the suspense hoping from scene to scene. To keep someone on the edge of their seat while reading isn't easy but you have done that. Thank you!
Comment Written 31-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your excellent review. I am so glad you enjoyed the story. Thank you so much for your encouraging words, it means a lot to me, (did a happy dance in my chair.) My dogs thought I was going nuts, lol.
Thank you again for all your help and support, friendship, it always means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
I will say you know how to keep us readers busy reading all that is taking place in your well written chapter of your book of crime.
Gert
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Hello Mistydawn
I will say you know how to keep us readers busy reading all that is taking place in your well written chapter of your book of crime.
Gert
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter. With your recent illness, I'm sure this isn't an easy task. So thank you so much for struggling to get through it, it means the world to me.
Thank you again for all your help, support, friendship, please take care.
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Good morning or evening Mistydawn
You are so welcome and I appreciate your concern. I doing well and having thepary twice a we eek and going to see a Neurologist next week.
Gert
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That's great. I'm so glad you're doing better. You're a strong lady, a fighter that's for sure. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll be better soon.
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Thank you very much Mistrydawn for giving me so much encouragement.
Gert
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
There's a heck of a lot of jumping around in this and some of it doesn't exactly flow seamlessly into the next segment. It is well written and SPAG free which makes the reading easier. It's probably just me, but I found this to be a bit disjointed. Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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There's a heck of a lot of jumping around in this and some of it doesn't exactly flow seamlessly into the next segment. It is well written and SPAG free which makes the reading easier. It's probably just me, but I found this to be a bit disjointed. Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I'm sorry you didn't like the style. I usually don't jump around that much, but this was the last chapter and I had a lot to cover. Maybe I should've split it into two chapters or combined scenes? Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
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Let me look at it again and if I have any brilliant ideas I'll let you know. I'll need to look at it with a different set of eyes LOL so it will probably be later in the day before I get back to you.
Comment from Cindy Warren
I'm glad you gave it a happy ending. I didn't think they were all going to get out alive. Bambini deserved what he got, but I felt bad for his little girl. She wouldn't have known anything about his criminal activity. Glad Joe and Rachel got together.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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I'm glad you gave it a happy ending. I didn't think they were all going to get out alive. Bambini deserved what he got, but I felt bad for his little girl. She wouldn't have known anything about his criminal activity. Glad Joe and Rachel got together.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your great review, I'm so glad you liked the ending. The poor little girl didn't have a chance in life, born in to what she was. A sad reality.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship.It means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Brenda Henderson
Awesome! Powerful compelling narrative full of action and dramatic characterization. The dialogue is believable and flows well within the context of the storyline. Love the story within the story; the romantic backdrop that culminates delightfully with the kiss at the end! When and where do I get my ticket! Somebody pass the popcorn! This is a movie or show that I want to see! BRAVO!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Awesome! Powerful compelling narrative full of action and dramatic characterization. The dialogue is believable and flows well within the context of the storyline. Love the story within the story; the romantic backdrop that culminates delightfully with the kiss at the end! When and where do I get my ticket! Somebody pass the popcorn! This is a movie or show that I want to see! BRAVO!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your excellent review, I am honored. Thank you so much for all your encouraging words. I am so glad you enjoyed the story. I thought about turning this into a script, but afraid I won't do it justice if I do. Maybe I should start with a story I'm not so invested in first. I've been revising this story since 2015.
Thank you again for such a marvelous review, all your encouragement and friendship. It means a lot to me, take care.
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You're very welcome! The praise was well deserved!
Comment from Alex Rosel
This is a full-on action chapter. In places, I think you over-describe, but that's just a personal opinion. Much depends on the authorial voice you want to adopt.
Just one point I picked-up on that you might like to consider:
Luigi and Bambini's bloody body stumbles backward and then folds to the floor -- Do you mean both stumble and fall to the fall? If so, body should be plural.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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This is a full-on action chapter. In places, I think you over-describe, but that's just a personal opinion. Much depends on the authorial voice you want to adopt.
Just one point I picked-up on that you might like to consider:
Luigi and Bambini's bloody body stumbles backward and then folds to the floor -- Do you mean both stumble and fall to the fall? If so, body should be plural.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter and for catching my mistake. Over described, lol that's a first for me. I usually get it needs more description. It's quite possible I overdid it trying to correct my ongoing issue. I'll review my work again.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship; it means a lot to me, take care.
