Monica
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Monica Chapter 1"A woman becomes fixated on Rob
15 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
A great introductory chapter with much intrigue and potential to become a murder mystery.
The characters are clearly introduced and their backgrounds show a sinister connection.
I can see why William is afraid and questioning his future.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2019
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A great introductory chapter with much intrigue and potential to become a murder mystery.
The characters are clearly introduced and their backgrounds show a sinister connection.
I can see why William is afraid and questioning his future.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2019
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Thank you. Rox
Comment from CrystieCookie999
A lot of action in a first chapter! But it definitely doesn't bore the reader. I thought it read well. It seems like the dialogue is a little sparse, but it definitely sets up the character of Monica Landers. William seems like he is in a predicament times 10. I noticed with the sentence: I'm getting worried, dad." That you might go ahead and capitalize Dad. With the sentences:He was slowing making progress with his wife and she agreed to spend the next weekend with him. He was thrilled and relieved. He knew that she still loved him and they were close to reconciling. -- I would put a comma after "wife" and a comma after "still loved him" since they are compound sentences with independent subjects and verbs.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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A lot of action in a first chapter! But it definitely doesn't bore the reader. I thought it read well. It seems like the dialogue is a little sparse, but it definitely sets up the character of Monica Landers. William seems like he is in a predicament times 10. I noticed with the sentence: I'm getting worried, dad." That you might go ahead and capitalize Dad. With the sentences:He was slowing making progress with his wife and she agreed to spend the next weekend with him. He was thrilled and relieved. He knew that she still loved him and they were close to reconciling. -- I would put a comma after "wife" and a comma after "still loved him" since they are compound sentences with independent subjects and verbs.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the review and all the helps. You soon find I'm the worst an punctuation. ={ And I can't seem to figure it out. So sad. Thanks again. Rox
Comment from susand3022
Okay, chapter one Rox... This Rocks... lol... This is going to be such a blast! Poor William! (even if he is dead by the next chapter... at least she didn't draw and quarter him! she sounds like the type... lol) I wonder if his wife will get the ultimate revenge for little Hope... wouldn't that be something? Maybe the smart lady lawyer will hire the hitman! LOL (like her husband should have done from the start) ;)
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Okay, chapter one Rox... This Rocks... lol... This is going to be such a blast! Poor William! (even if he is dead by the next chapter... at least she didn't draw and quarter him! she sounds like the type... lol) I wonder if his wife will get the ultimate revenge for little Hope... wouldn't that be something? Maybe the smart lady lawyer will hire the hitman! LOL (like her husband should have done from the start) ;)
Comment Written 03-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2019
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Glad you like it. =] Thank you . Rox
Comment from the13thpoet
Happy Wednesday afternoon Roxanna. That was a very interesting chapter you wrote there. Very engaging and intriguing, I can't wait to see what happens next. Good job! keep it coming.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Happy Wednesday afternoon Roxanna. That was a very interesting chapter you wrote there. Very engaging and intriguing, I can't wait to see what happens next. Good job! keep it coming.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Thanks so much, Sir. I just posted chapter 2. =] Rox
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Simple but committed, I enjoyed the theme, plot development, realistic dialogues and characterization, curious ending with a quest; well said, well done. Write-Inspire --DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Simple but committed, I enjoyed the theme, plot development, realistic dialogues and characterization, curious ending with a quest; well said, well done. Write-Inspire --DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 31-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2019
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Thank you Sir. Rox
Comment from Sally Law
Gosh, sorry I'm so tardy with my review, Rox. Monica is a sick one. I liked this one a lot and it has great potential for the upcoming chapters. Great intriguing story and characters. One small comment: hate-filled eyes was used twice. I always have synonym help available to me as I write, so I can look for other words that help me to convey the same things. For example: hate-filled eyes, flaming eyes, intimidating look, "they looked daggers at each other" . . . etc. Also, disdainful, contemptuous, and livid. I hope this helps. I learn as I go. I celebrate my year anniversary as a writer in two weeks!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xo
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Gosh, sorry I'm so tardy with my review, Rox. Monica is a sick one. I liked this one a lot and it has great potential for the upcoming chapters. Great intriguing story and characters. One small comment: hate-filled eyes was used twice. I always have synonym help available to me as I write, so I can look for other words that help me to convey the same things. For example: hate-filled eyes, flaming eyes, intimidating look, "they looked daggers at each other" . . . etc. Also, disdainful, contemptuous, and livid. I hope this helps. I learn as I go. I celebrate my year anniversary as a writer in two weeks!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xo
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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I change it to 'contemptuous' look. I like the sound of that. I try to give contemptuous looks when ever I can. =} Thank you much my dear. Do you mean being on this site for a year? Hope you have enjoyed it. I do and have enjoyed reading your work. Rox
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Yeah, I like that. Perfect. I will stay tuned. xo
Comment from robyn corum
Roxie,
What a witch. And it's scary that there really are heartless people out there like this - isn't that amazing? And horrifying. I'm glad I haven't encountered one, yet. This should be interesting. But I'm not looking forward to it. Thanks!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Roxie,
What a witch. And it's scary that there really are heartless people out there like this - isn't that amazing? And horrifying. I'm glad I haven't encountered one, yet. This should be interesting. But I'm not looking forward to it. Thanks!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Yes very evil, my one ex sis-in-law is something like this. Horrible person, we begged our brother not to marry her. Boy does he wish he had listened. She now preys on her kids, her game these days is to turn them against each other. She is so sick. She gets them to feel sorry for her and give her money. Our nephew is so deep in debt and he won't tell his dad how. We think he took out a loan to give money to his mom. Of course she won't give him a dime to pay it off. She is 66 and poses for calendars. Now what kind of idiot man is buying that calendar? She thinks she is still 21. Anyway thank you dear. Rox
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bllleeechh
Comment from JudyE
This sounds like a story that is about to evolve into something really interesting. Poor William. I don't like his chances. And of course, the reader is wondering where Rob and Sarah fit into the new picture.
I only picked up a couple of points:
"What do you call telling my wife I was cheating on her. You're a sick, twisted..." - question mark after 'her'
William turned on his heels and walked away - I think the usual saying is 'turned on his heel' but it probably doesn't matter much.
Within minutes of his phone call, the senior Myers was told to mind his own business and hung-up on. - delete 'on'
I'm looking forward to the next chapters but will be away from time to time.
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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This sounds like a story that is about to evolve into something really interesting. Poor William. I don't like his chances. And of course, the reader is wondering where Rob and Sarah fit into the new picture.
I only picked up a couple of points:
"What do you call telling my wife I was cheating on her. You're a sick, twisted..." - question mark after 'her'
William turned on his heels and walked away - I think the usual saying is 'turned on his heel' but it probably doesn't matter much.
Within minutes of his phone call, the senior Myers was told to mind his own business and hung-up on. - delete 'on'
I'm looking forward to the next chapters but will be away from time to time.
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Thank you dear. =} Rox
Comment from royowen
Monica sounds like a real louse. One wonders what goes through the minds of these very sick people. Poor William He's drawn the complete sympathy of this reader, I love the fact that you've written in some sort of reconciliation. I was wondering if their were photographs and William is innocent, were they contrived? Most imaginative plot Rox, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Monica sounds like a real louse. One wonders what goes through the minds of these very sick people. Poor William He's drawn the complete sympathy of this reader, I love the fact that you've written in some sort of reconciliation. I was wondering if their were photographs and William is innocent, were they contrived? Most imaginative plot Rox, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 30-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Thanks so much. There are really horrible people like this and it is scary. My ex sis in law is one. Very sick person. Rox
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Well done
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Yeah! Woo hoo! Fantastic beginning! Oh what a sinister woman she is! I hate her already! Haha!! So looking forward to seeing what revenge William may impose on her!! Hooked from the start! xoxo
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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Yeah! Woo hoo! Fantastic beginning! Oh what a sinister woman she is! I hate her already! Haha!! So looking forward to seeing what revenge William may impose on her!! Hooked from the start! xoxo
Comment Written 29-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2019
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She is a real poopy head. Thanks so much dear and for the 6 stars. So encouraging. =} Rox
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hahaha!!!
