A Battle for Control
The Start of a Battle Between Darkness and Light. Chapter 26 total reviews
Comment from Sally Law
I'm glad to see you made the suggested improvements to this piece. I had stopped by earlier, but didn't have the time to give it a full critique. The added quotations made this more clear to me. This was fun and creative and a great contender for the chapter two contest.
Sending you my best today as well,
Sal :+)
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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I'm glad to see you made the suggested improvements to this piece. I had stopped by earlier, but didn't have the time to give it a full critique. The added quotations made this more clear to me. This was fun and creative and a great contender for the chapter two contest.
Sending you my best today as well,
Sal :+)
Comment Written 28-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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Thank you Sally. Yeah, Yvette and GMG corrected my errors. I wish I had a machine to point out where I need to correct, but no such luck. :)
Comment from DonandVicki
You know how to keep the reader in suspense ending the chapter as such. The well composed dialogue keeps the story moving along quickly, keeping the reader wanting more.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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You know how to keep the reader in suspense ending the chapter as such. The well composed dialogue keeps the story moving along quickly, keeping the reader wanting more.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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Thank you Don and Vicky. I'm trying by doing learning to write. :)
Comment from Sugarray77
I enjoyed reading this one, Jose. Very well done and well written. Your titles for your characters go a long way to define who they are and their place in your story. I look forward to reading more, my friend.
Melissa
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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I enjoyed reading this one, Jose. Very well done and well written. Your titles for your characters go a long way to define who they are and their place in your story. I look forward to reading more, my friend.
Melissa
Comment Written 28-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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Thank you Melissa. Yvette helped me on corrections so did GMG. :) Don't trust the names I am using. ;)
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
This is a nice piece. imaginative and well worked out.
There are a few little bits I noted as I read through-
You could improve upon the readability of this piece by using speech marks for the dialogue. Whilst it's a choice not to use them, it is generally easier for people to follow.
we double checked the exact coordinates - probably best to hyphenate double-checked.
It's as if the darkness swallow them.- swallows or swallowed here.
You wouldn't happen to know anything of this would you Damon? - perhaps insert commas on either side of 'would you'.
In the darkness and evil growl in heard. - is heard.
Razorback! come and line the dark cannon on the nearest star. - capitalise Come here.
we unleash the power of a star on those that created it. - perhaps who rather than that here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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hi there,
This is a nice piece. imaginative and well worked out.
There are a few little bits I noted as I read through-
You could improve upon the readability of this piece by using speech marks for the dialogue. Whilst it's a choice not to use them, it is generally easier for people to follow.
we double checked the exact coordinates - probably best to hyphenate double-checked.
It's as if the darkness swallow them.- swallows or swallowed here.
You wouldn't happen to know anything of this would you Damon? - perhaps insert commas on either side of 'would you'.
In the darkness and evil growl in heard. - is heard.
Razorback! come and line the dark cannon on the nearest star. - capitalise Come here.
we unleash the power of a star on those that created it. - perhaps who rather than that here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 28-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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Thank you for reading, Giraffmang. I appreciate the help. :)
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Another great chapter for the contest, Jose! ;) But, why have you eliminated all quotation punctuation..? It makes it difficult to discern when someone's talking and when it is just narrations...had to backtrack a number of times to figure it out... :) The story's really heating up fast, though -- looking forward to the actual battle! ;) Thanx for sharing and good luck! ;) ;)
swallow them. --> swallowed them.
Michael and tell --> Michael, and tell
Room, I have --> Room. I have OR Room - I have
distasteful look. --> [need to eliminate the line return here]
What's in
Chaos and he looks --> Chaos, and he looks
once and we can --> once, and we can
growl in heard. --> growl is heard.
Nickous, send me --> Nickolas, send me [spell correction perhaps?]
Where are they! --> Where are they? [you could do 'they?!' for emphasis]
darkness, spotless without --> darkness - spotless, without
Razorback! come and --> Razorback! Come and
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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Another great chapter for the contest, Jose! ;) But, why have you eliminated all quotation punctuation..? It makes it difficult to discern when someone's talking and when it is just narrations...had to backtrack a number of times to figure it out... :) The story's really heating up fast, though -- looking forward to the actual battle! ;) Thanx for sharing and good luck! ;) ;)
swallow them. --> swallowed them.
Michael and tell --> Michael, and tell
Room, I have --> Room. I have OR Room - I have
distasteful look. --> [need to eliminate the line return here]
What's in
Chaos and he looks --> Chaos, and he looks
once and we can --> once, and we can
growl in heard. --> growl is heard.
Nickous, send me --> Nickolas, send me [spell correction perhaps?]
Where are they! --> Where are they? [you could do 'they?!' for emphasis]
darkness, spotless without --> darkness - spotless, without
Razorback! come and --> Razorback! Come and
Comment Written 28-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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OK Yvette. Thank you for your help. I need it. :) I read some of the other contestants and mine is OK. :( But it's a book so... what the heck. :)
Comment from aryr
Good luck in the contest Jose. This was indeed the product of a great imagination and I am so grateful that your muse was so creative. I liked the concept of the light and the dark in a battle of conquest, great idea. I do eagerly await the next chapter, very well done.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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Good luck in the contest Jose. This was indeed the product of a great imagination and I am so grateful that your muse was so creative. I liked the concept of the light and the dark in a battle of conquest, great idea. I do eagerly await the next chapter, very well done.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2019
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Light and darkness are always fighting, Alie. Let's see who wins. :)
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It should be interesting.
