Be Wee With Bea Part2
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Sunrise Sunset Creatures"Continuation of Bea's Strollings
9 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
I haven't read the previous chapters of this, so I come to it cold.
I can clearly identify that you've created, and planned out in detail, your own fictive world here :)
I also instinctively like how you've given the main character, Bea, two companions who are dependent upon her for protection. That adds to Bea's vulnerability, and gives her a clearly defined hurdle she has to straggle in order to successfully navigate her journey to the end of the plot :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
This creature was even more unique than the last cave wall creature -- This doesn't fit. Something is either unique, or not unique. It doesn't make sense to have something that is "even more unique". There is no graduated scale of uniqueness.
It had two large furry looking textured antennae -- If this was mine, I'd omit the "looking". If they're "large furry textured antennae" then of course that's what they look like.
Spinning back, the creature had lowered its antennae. -- I find this confusing. Did the creature spin back? Because that's how I read it since the creature is the subject of the sentence. Or, is it Bea who did the spinning back? If it is, then you need to define who did the action here, something like Bea spun around.
As an aside, as a general rule of thumb, it's best to avoid starting a sentence with words ending in "ing". The reason for this is that you risk writing a sentence fragment or a dangling modifier.
This was the safe-feeling place -- I really like your safe-feeling adjective. It's succinct and precise :)
Lost in thought she'd almost forgotten why she was there. -- I'd insert a comma after Lost in thought. It reads better.
She did, however, as you might expect, worry about her "be-good-to-myself" treat. -- I like your aside, as you might expect, to the reader. It'll likely pull them into the narrative, prompting their engagement :)
However, personally, I scan my work for "However" words. However you look at it, "however" rarely adds anything, and the word can be omitted without changing the meaning. And redundant words tend to detract from the pace of the prose. So, I'd nix the "however" here. However, it's always the author's call ;-)
Her courage needed to grow bigger than her fears. -- I like this snippet of narrative. It's succinct and coneys a lot. It also adds to Bea's characterization, showing self-awareness of her weaknesses :)
At the very end of his story and of the creature was a fairly fluffy tail. -- I like how you've constructed this sentence. Purposefully employing a duality of meaning for "At the very end" :)
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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I haven't read the previous chapters of this, so I come to it cold.
I can clearly identify that you've created, and planned out in detail, your own fictive world here :)
I also instinctively like how you've given the main character, Bea, two companions who are dependent upon her for protection. That adds to Bea's vulnerability, and gives her a clearly defined hurdle she has to straggle in order to successfully navigate her journey to the end of the plot :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
This creature was even more unique than the last cave wall creature -- This doesn't fit. Something is either unique, or not unique. It doesn't make sense to have something that is "even more unique". There is no graduated scale of uniqueness.
It had two large furry looking textured antennae -- If this was mine, I'd omit the "looking". If they're "large furry textured antennae" then of course that's what they look like.
Spinning back, the creature had lowered its antennae. -- I find this confusing. Did the creature spin back? Because that's how I read it since the creature is the subject of the sentence. Or, is it Bea who did the spinning back? If it is, then you need to define who did the action here, something like Bea spun around.
As an aside, as a general rule of thumb, it's best to avoid starting a sentence with words ending in "ing". The reason for this is that you risk writing a sentence fragment or a dangling modifier.
This was the safe-feeling place -- I really like your safe-feeling adjective. It's succinct and precise :)
Lost in thought she'd almost forgotten why she was there. -- I'd insert a comma after Lost in thought. It reads better.
She did, however, as you might expect, worry about her "be-good-to-myself" treat. -- I like your aside, as you might expect, to the reader. It'll likely pull them into the narrative, prompting their engagement :)
However, personally, I scan my work for "However" words. However you look at it, "however" rarely adds anything, and the word can be omitted without changing the meaning. And redundant words tend to detract from the pace of the prose. So, I'd nix the "however" here. However, it's always the author's call ;-)
Her courage needed to grow bigger than her fears. -- I like this snippet of narrative. It's succinct and coneys a lot. It also adds to Bea's characterization, showing self-awareness of her weaknesses :)
At the very end of his story and of the creature was a fairly fluffy tail. -- I like how you've constructed this sentence. Purposefully employing a duality of meaning for "At the very end" :)
Comment Written 25-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your supportive review. I will have made the adjustments in a few minutes.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A well written and enjoyable chapter, my friend. I hope to read more of this interesting story. Best wishes with your writing, my friend`Debbie
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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A well written and enjoyable chapter, my friend. I hope to read more of this interesting story. Best wishes with your writing, my friend`Debbie
Comment Written 24-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. If you go to my portfolio you can read the previous chapters. No need to review. Just enjoy them.
Comment from Brenda Henderson
Light, ethereal and whimsical! This is a charming tale. The narrative is engaging and the characters seem like just the type little children would love. Expertly crafted. Eloquently expressed. Multidimensional characters! Good job!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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Light, ethereal and whimsical! This is a charming tale. The narrative is engaging and the characters seem like just the type little children would love. Expertly crafted. Eloquently expressed. Multidimensional characters! Good job!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your enthusiastic supportive review.
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You're very welcome Liz!
Comment from BeasPeas
Another delightful post, Liz. Very enjoyable. Described clearly and with such emotion. Sweet and nice. I loved the part about the "be good to yourself treat". Great job. Marilyn
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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Another delightful post, Liz. Very enjoyable. Described clearly and with such emotion. Sweet and nice. I loved the part about the "be good to yourself treat". Great job. Marilyn
Comment Written 23-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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Thank you again for your delightful review. I'm glad you are enjoying it.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
We know it is, perhaps, light play upon the walls and the mist...however, poor Bea is having panic attacks!! ;( ;( Thought it amusing that, even through the panic, she thought about her 'treat' - LOL! ;) :) Like her logic of over-coming her fear by noting her responsibility to the other two because it was 'her home'. :) ;) Yes, communication is ALWAYS the best solution! ;) :) Thanx for sharing! :) Yvette
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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We know it is, perhaps, light play upon the walls and the mist...however, poor Bea is having panic attacks!! ;( ;( Thought it amusing that, even through the panic, she thought about her 'treat' - LOL! ;) :) Like her logic of over-coming her fear by noting her responsibility to the other two because it was 'her home'. :) ;) Yes, communication is ALWAYS the best solution! ;) :) Thanx for sharing! :) Yvette
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your amusing appreciative review. I'm glad you are enjoying Bea and her ways.
Comment from john mallahan
Well now I'm intrigued! After reading a second time, realized that we got the bears & the bee's involved. Yet, the monsters...Are they the ones we realize abound in our never ending world? Sunrise one's, & those that leave their shadows on the etched walls of caves. Will be waiting for the next installment!
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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Well now I'm intrigued! After reading a second time, realized that we got the bears & the bee's involved. Yet, the monsters...Are they the ones we realize abound in our never ending world? Sunrise one's, & those that leave their shadows on the etched walls of caves. Will be waiting for the next installment!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. I hope you continue to enjoy this adventure. I like how you are also seeing some of the more hidden metaphors.
Comment from shaffer40
I haven't read your other chapters, but I enjoyed this one. It's truly creative, making up all these creatures, and I like the names you give them [Scruffles would be a good name for a cat--I always have cats]. What is the category of this type of story?
I especially liked this descriptive line:
It all rushed back over her like the river's angry stream.
You have quite an impressive resume. I feel strange editing someone who taught writing, but there were a few places where I questioned:
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This was the safe-feeling place she and Sweet Puppy would cower
clinging to each other during thunder and lightning storms.
Did you meant to say "in which she and Sweet Puppy would cower"? and
comma after "cower"?
She'd learned about how vital communication is.
Suggest omit "about"
They buzzed louder whirling faster
Suggest commas: They buzzed louder, whirling faster,
I think the collective "duo was" is correct.
I also wonder whether the be calm exercise should have a dash [be-calm] like the "be-good- to-myself" treat [there's an extra space after "good"]
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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I haven't read your other chapters, but I enjoyed this one. It's truly creative, making up all these creatures, and I like the names you give them [Scruffles would be a good name for a cat--I always have cats]. What is the category of this type of story?
I especially liked this descriptive line:
It all rushed back over her like the river's angry stream.
You have quite an impressive resume. I feel strange editing someone who taught writing, but there were a few places where I questioned:
**********************
This was the safe-feeling place she and Sweet Puppy would cower
clinging to each other during thunder and lightning storms.
Did you meant to say "in which she and Sweet Puppy would cower"? and
comma after "cower"?
She'd learned about how vital communication is.
Suggest omit "about"
They buzzed louder whirling faster
Suggest commas: They buzzed louder, whirling faster,
I think the collective "duo was" is correct.
I also wonder whether the be calm exercise should have a dash [be-calm] like the "be-good- to-myself" treat [there's an extra space after "good"]
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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You got them all. Thank you for your supportive review. I have learned much here from caring writers like you.
Comment from Six-Star Writer
I don't good about anything. Women piss me off because I can't get laid, and I have to be alone because I can't find one to have a relationship with. Men piss me off because they're mostly assholes. Life pisses me off because I'm not satisfied with it. So I'm glad Bea is able to cope. I don't know why I exist. I was never meant to be in this world.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2019
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I don't good about anything. Women piss me off because I can't get laid, and I have to be alone because I can't find one to have a relationship with. Men piss me off because they're mostly assholes. Life pisses me off because I'm not satisfied with it. So I'm glad Bea is able to cope. I don't know why I exist. I was never meant to be in this world.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2019
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thank you for your 5 stars
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You're welcome
Comment from lyenochka
I'm glad that Bea remembered all her exercises from the physical (stepstooling) to the spiritual and psychological (talking to the Maker, calm exercise and brain exercise.) She's right to work on herself first so that she can help others.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2019
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I'm glad that Bea remembered all her exercises from the physical (stepstooling) to the spiritual and psychological (talking to the Maker, calm exercise and brain exercise.) She's right to work on herself first so that she can help others.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad you are appreciating Bea.
