Fear Abated
Dad comforts me2 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
I like this. It uses some vivid words that convey great imagery :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
like sweet sap tapped from a sugar maple tree -- I like this simile :)
As he described what shall be the heavenly reward for those who follow church rules. -- Spag? This is not a sentence in it's own right. I think it should be joined to the previous sentence, separated by a comma. Either that, or reword it.
like rolling thunder, came ringing bangs of his fist -- This doesn't work for me. Thunder doesn't "ring". It may echo, or rumble, so maybe this is more appropriate: like rolling thunder, came echoing bangs of his fist.
I jumped in my seat. -- And this is a sentence in its own right, so separate it from the previous sentence with a period.
The preacher turned with fiery eyes threw words flying like flaming arrows targeted at our souls. -- I like the "flaming arrows" simile :)
But note, you either need a comma after fiery eyes, or else you could add an "and" between fiery eyes and threw words.
death is sleep without a dream -- This is a particularly poignant ending. Excellent :)
Good luck with the competition :)
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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I like this. It uses some vivid words that convey great imagery :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
like sweet sap tapped from a sugar maple tree -- I like this simile :)
As he described what shall be the heavenly reward for those who follow church rules. -- Spag? This is not a sentence in it's own right. I think it should be joined to the previous sentence, separated by a comma. Either that, or reword it.
like rolling thunder, came ringing bangs of his fist -- This doesn't work for me. Thunder doesn't "ring". It may echo, or rumble, so maybe this is more appropriate: like rolling thunder, came echoing bangs of his fist.
I jumped in my seat. -- And this is a sentence in its own right, so separate it from the previous sentence with a period.
The preacher turned with fiery eyes threw words flying like flaming arrows targeted at our souls. -- I like the "flaming arrows" simile :)
But note, you either need a comma after fiery eyes, or else you could add an "and" between fiery eyes and threw words.
death is sleep without a dream -- This is a particularly poignant ending. Excellent :)
Good luck with the competition :)
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for the close read and the wonderful suggestions. Very much appreciated. I will work on the piece.
Comment from Sylvia Page
"Son, really there is no heaven or hell, no reward or punishment. Yes, we all should strive to be kind and love our neighbors, but death is sleep without a dream."
Why go to church at all? I don't think it is a good explanation for an impressionable child.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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"Son, really there is no heaven or hell, no reward or punishment. Yes, we all should strive to be kind and love our neighbors, but death is sleep without a dream."
Why go to church at all? I don't think it is a good explanation for an impressionable child.
Sylvia
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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The point is love your neighbor because it is the right thing to do. You don't need a priest or preacher to promise some future reward or punishment. Fear is never a good thing to cast upon people. Unfortunately, fear has been used all too often from the pulpit. Thanks for the read and the comments. Thanks for the read and taking the time to comment.
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Yes, Harry, certainly it is the right thing.
