The Barroom Floor
Some strang things happen on the barroom floor after closing24 total reviews
Comment from Earl Corp
I guess the little mouse felt ten feet tall and bulletproof when he eent looking for the cat. Pretty creative piece of flash fiction. Good luck in the contest, no disrespect but I hope you take second place.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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I guess the little mouse felt ten feet tall and bulletproof when he eent looking for the cat. Pretty creative piece of flash fiction. Good luck in the contest, no disrespect but I hope you take second place.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Thank you!
Comment from DonandVicki
A very funny flash fiction story with the required twist at the end. The picture that you chose to complement your story was a good choice. Well written and funny.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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A very funny flash fiction story with the required twist at the end. The picture that you chose to complement your story was a good choice. Well written and funny.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Thank you!
Comment from Rikki66
Good luck in the contest. Nothing like a little booze to give a mouse the courage of a lion and the brain of a flee. Good Story.
Rikki:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Good luck in the contest. Nothing like a little booze to give a mouse the courage of a lion and the brain of a flee. Good Story.
Rikki:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
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Welcome
Rikki
Comment from Lobber
Wow ...Disney could have a field-(mouse)-day with this story. Dusty is a character to out-rival Mickey...a real delight. Write more! The cat in the moonlight? -Lobber
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Wow ...Disney could have a field-(mouse)-day with this story. Dusty is a character to out-rival Mickey...a real delight. Write more! The cat in the moonlight? -Lobber
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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It was a fun write-you planted some thoughts about the cat!!
Thanks
Comment from Darlene Franklin
How deliciously delightful! I wondered where they migrated from - the restaurant across the street? I'm just imagining the family or a series of stories about Thomas, the tipsy titmouse. You can see you caught my imagination.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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How deliciously delightful! I wondered where they migrated from - the restaurant across the street? I'm just imagining the family or a series of stories about Thomas, the tipsy titmouse. You can see you caught my imagination.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Holy cow- a series- t v show-Hollywood!!
You got me going. LOL
Thank you!
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See what your imagination sparked in me!
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hello Gunner,
I enjoyed this story and the lively little song Dusty composed and sang. They must've had a wonderful time for free.
"Oh- the liquor was (spilled/spilt) on the barroom floor, and the bar was closed for the night.
From out of his hole came a little brown mouse into the pale moonlight.
Oh-he licked up the liquor from the barroom floor and yelled, "Bring on the god- darn cat."
Some (strang/strange) things happen on the barroom floor after closing
Best wishes for the contest.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Hello Gunner,
I enjoyed this story and the lively little song Dusty composed and sang. They must've had a wonderful time for free.
"Oh- the liquor was (spilled/spilt) on the barroom floor, and the bar was closed for the night.
From out of his hole came a little brown mouse into the pale moonlight.
Oh-he licked up the liquor from the barroom floor and yelled, "Bring on the god- darn cat."
Some (strang/strange) things happen on the barroom floor after closing
Best wishes for the contest.
Sylvia
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your input!!
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Lil' Semper fi! This is a pretty darned good tale of flash fiction. Your characters have no faces, but it doesn't seem necessary in this story. It is very easy to understand without too much description. Good luck in the contest. : ) Bob
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Hi, Lil' Semper fi! This is a pretty darned good tale of flash fiction. Your characters have no faces, but it doesn't seem necessary in this story. It is very easy to understand without too much description. Good luck in the contest. : ) Bob
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Thanks! It was fun to write!
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: ) Bob
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: ) Bob
Comment from LisaMay
I enjoyed the frivolity of your little story, imagining what happens after the bar is shut for the night. Those little rodents licking up booze and getting pissed then thinking they can take on the cat! (This is typical human behaviour sometimes too, so it is a tale of human foolhardiness in microcosm.)
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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I enjoyed the frivolity of your little story, imagining what happens after the bar is shut for the night. Those little rodents licking up booze and getting pissed then thinking they can take on the cat! (This is typical human behaviour sometimes too, so it is a tale of human foolhardiness in microcosm.)
Comment Written 16-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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You are so right. Thanks.
Comment from shaffer40
It is a fun little story and something different--mouse adventures. Quite a clever response to the prompt and hopefully a top contender in the contest.
I have suggested some punctuation and other correction:
Some strang things
I think you meant "strange"
Fifty-six year old Henry
Fifty-six-year-old Henry
"Last called.
I think you meant "Last call."
announced at was closing time.
announced it was closing time.
cleaned the bar making it ready
Punctuation: cleaned the bar, making it ready
He and Alice locked the front door and Henry turned his key to the left in
the deadbolt making sure it slid into position. Alice pulled twice on
the front door handle making sure it was secure.
Punctuation: He and Alice locked the front door, and Henry turned his
key to the left in the deadbolt, making sure it slid into position. Alice
pulled twice on the front door handle, making sure it was secure.
The good stuff is down here on the floor Dusty said to himself.
Punctuation: "The good stuff is down here on the floor," Dusty said to
himself.
Looking up at the night lights, he began to sing:
Oh- the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor, and the bar was
closed for the night.
From out of his hole came a little brown mouse into the pale
moonlight.
Oh-he licked up the liquor from the barroom floor and yelled, "Bring
on the god-darn cat"
Assuming the entire ending is part of the song, it should either be in
Italics or in quotes. If in quotes, the "Bring on the god-darn cat"
should be in single quotes [a quote within a quote] and there should
be a period at the end:
'Bring on the god-darn cat'."
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2019
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It is a fun little story and something different--mouse adventures. Quite a clever response to the prompt and hopefully a top contender in the contest.
I have suggested some punctuation and other correction:
Some strang things
I think you meant "strange"
Fifty-six year old Henry
Fifty-six-year-old Henry
"Last called.
I think you meant "Last call."
announced at was closing time.
announced it was closing time.
cleaned the bar making it ready
Punctuation: cleaned the bar, making it ready
He and Alice locked the front door and Henry turned his key to the left in
the deadbolt making sure it slid into position. Alice pulled twice on
the front door handle making sure it was secure.
Punctuation: He and Alice locked the front door, and Henry turned his
key to the left in the deadbolt, making sure it slid into position. Alice
pulled twice on the front door handle, making sure it was secure.
The good stuff is down here on the floor Dusty said to himself.
Punctuation: "The good stuff is down here on the floor," Dusty said to
himself.
Looking up at the night lights, he began to sing:
Oh- the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor, and the bar was
closed for the night.
From out of his hole came a little brown mouse into the pale
moonlight.
Oh-he licked up the liquor from the barroom floor and yelled, "Bring
on the god-darn cat"
Assuming the entire ending is part of the song, it should either be in
Italics or in quotes. If in quotes, the "Bring on the god-darn cat"
should be in single quotes [a quote within a quote] and there should
be a period at the end:
'Bring on the god-darn cat'."
Comment Written 16-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2019
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Thanks for all your help!!
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You're welcome, Lil. xo
Comment from Cindy Warren
Haha, I guess it's easy for a little mouse to be brave when he has a belly full of beer and there's no cat in sight. LOL Thanks for a fun read. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2019
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Haha, I guess it's easy for a little mouse to be brave when he has a belly full of beer and there's no cat in sight. LOL Thanks for a fun read. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2019
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It was fun to write. Thank you.
