The Barroom Floor
Some strang things happen on the barroom floor after closing24 total reviews
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Funny. Was that mouse packed in your gunnysack when you left Pendleton, or were you captured, mistreated and release from the Pearl of South Carolina, Lejune?
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Funny. Was that mouse packed in your gunnysack when you left Pendleton, or were you captured, mistreated and release from the Pearl of South Carolina, Lejune?
Comment Written 07-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thanks! Just a bud who hung around.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
What a delightful twist at the end! Dusty is a cat! Love it, but I bet the mice didn't. I guess they have many babies, or they'd soon die out. LOL Well done, this was a really well written, well thought out, story. Good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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What a delightful twist at the end! Dusty is a cat! Love it, but I bet the mice didn't. I guess they have many babies, or they'd soon die out. LOL Well done, this was a really well written, well thought out, story. Good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 20-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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Thank You. It was a fun short to write.
Comment from WryWriter
LOL! Nothing happier than a drunken mouse! Ready to take on the cat and world. Oh wait! Maybe that is human drunkards.... A well-done and funny "tail."
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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LOL! Nothing happier than a drunken mouse! Ready to take on the cat and world. Oh wait! Maybe that is human drunkards.... A well-done and funny "tail."
Comment Written 19-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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Thank you for reading. It was fun to write.
Comment from Sally Law
This is adorable and so well done, Gunner. The salty bartender's song at the end was the finishing touch. Sending you my best today and for the upcoming contest.
Sally :+)
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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This is adorable and so well done, Gunner. The salty bartender's song at the end was the finishing touch. Sending you my best today and for the upcoming contest.
Sally :+)
Comment Written 19-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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Thank you much! It was a fun write.
Comment from Susan Morritt
Hi Gunner
I read and reread your flash fiction story, "The Barroom Floor." I noted your attention to detail such as describing the hook where the whistle hung as a "D-ring hook," and also noted your stating the bartenders age, as well as the number of patrons and the number of mice. What I don't understand is the role this plays in the story. Am I missing something? I was surprised and laughed at Dusty, the mouse as he sang his drunken song. The thought that after the humans were kicked out, the mice will play is not lost on me.
I apologize if somehow I missed the real gist of the story. Good luck in the contest.
Susan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Hi Gunner
I read and reread your flash fiction story, "The Barroom Floor." I noted your attention to detail such as describing the hook where the whistle hung as a "D-ring hook," and also noted your stating the bartenders age, as well as the number of patrons and the number of mice. What I don't understand is the role this plays in the story. Am I missing something? I was surprised and laughed at Dusty, the mouse as he sang his drunken song. The thought that after the humans were kicked out, the mice will play is not lost on me.
I apologize if somehow I missed the real gist of the story. Good luck in the contest.
Susan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2019
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Funny selection. I think I may have run into a variation on that story just once before, but it's been at least a decade. Also reminds me just slightly of the narrating/singing mice in the movie "Babe." I think the name Dusty is clever for a little mouse who usually must live in dusty mouse holes and shadows. I suppose the next step is having the mouse feel feisty enough to ride a mechanical bull, or perhaps a smaller appliance in the bar.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2019
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Funny selection. I think I may have run into a variation on that story just once before, but it's been at least a decade. Also reminds me just slightly of the narrating/singing mice in the movie "Babe." I think the name Dusty is clever for a little mouse who usually must live in dusty mouse holes and shadows. I suppose the next step is having the mouse feel feisty enough to ride a mechanical bull, or perhaps a smaller appliance in the bar.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2019
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Thank you! Got me thinking about part 2!
Comment from rockmann
Mice in a bar? Now there is a shocker! OK, not really, but you got your point across in that no matter how well you do something (such as closing for the night) there is always someone/something that is ready to party at the owner's expense. Keep up the writing as I enjoyed the story.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2019
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Mice in a bar? Now there is a shocker! OK, not really, but you got your point across in that no matter how well you do something (such as closing for the night) there is always someone/something that is ready to party at the owner's expense. Keep up the writing as I enjoyed the story.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to read!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written flash fiction story about what happens when the bar is locked after a noisy night, the rats come out to feast on the spills on the floor and they have a ball for the rest of the night.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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A very well-written flash fiction story about what happens when the bar is locked after a noisy night, the rats come out to feast on the spills on the floor and they have a ball for the rest of the night.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Thank you! It was fun to write!!
Comment from Coco Jane
Cute story!
You have a few comm errors:
Para 3: Add a comma after "later."
Para 4: Remove the comma after "room." Add a comm after "front door." Add a comma after "deadbolt." Add a comma after "handle."
Consider adding a line to Dusty's song--"ending with something like "whaddaya think of that"--so that he has two rhymes.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Cute story!
You have a few comm errors:
Para 3: Add a comma after "later."
Para 4: Remove the comma after "room." Add a comm after "front door." Add a comma after "deadbolt." Add a comma after "handle."
Consider adding a line to Dusty's song--"ending with something like "whaddaya think of that"--so that he has two rhymes.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your input!!
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements nicely with the correct them and word count. You deliver an interesting spin on the late night bar scene which was easy to read and engaging. You have a small typo:
"Henry turn out the lights" - Should be turned'.
Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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This meets the contest requirements nicely with the correct them and word count. You deliver an interesting spin on the late night bar scene which was easy to read and engaging. You have a small typo:
"Henry turn out the lights" - Should be turned'.
Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Good catch! Thank you!
