THE IMMORTAL
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Not Human"Sci-Fi/Dark Fantasy/Mystery/Romance
6 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
The Breedline world that you have creaded is amazing. Thank you for the terrific notes.
I was able to follow the story's excellent dialogue and plot which kept my interest even more so after reading the notes.
:) e
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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The Breedline world that you have creaded is amazing. Thank you for the terrific notes.
I was able to follow the story's excellent dialogue and plot which kept my interest even more so after reading the notes.
:) e
Comment Written 15-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Thank you! :)
So glad you enjoyed. I appreciate your awesome review and kind words.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from ngage
Another eye catching photo and captivating chapter, Ms. Shana!
I wonder if Tara is indeed a Breedline. Hmmm?
This may lead to something interesting, especially for Lawrence.
You always keep me coming back for more.
Great writing!
Nate
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Another eye catching photo and captivating chapter, Ms. Shana!
I wonder if Tara is indeed a Breedline. Hmmm?
This may lead to something interesting, especially for Lawrence.
You always keep me coming back for more.
Great writing!
Nate
Comment Written 15-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thanks Nate! :)
You're a gem my friend! So glad you thought the chapter was good. It wasn't too exciting, but I was hoping it would entertain some at best.
Big hugs!
Shana :)
Comment from Alex Rosel
I haven't read the previous chapters of this, so I come to it cold.
I think I've picked up on the premise behind this pretty quickly. While this is clearly an alternative fictive world, I think readers' suspension of disbelief will only be maintained if minute detail inconsistent with reality (which is unexplained, or doesn't logically flow from your alternative world axioms) is minimized. I highlighted a couple of places where I think you've challenged this.
Apart from that, the narrative flows in a timely manner, and it's an easy read :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Helen cocked a brow. "I'm sorry to say, Mr. Caruso took a turn for the worst. We've got him in ICU on a ventilator." Her tone was grim. "I don't expect him to make it through the night." -- This doesn't ring true to me. A medical professional wouldn't be disclosing this information to a non-relative, and police inquiries and questions would need to be conducted by an on duty detective.
Helen noticed that Manuel's eyes never left the nurse as she exited the room, her waist-length hair swaying gently. -- Again, I'd question this. Nursing personal would never be allowed to wear long hair unfettered while on duty. There are hygiene considerations.
he briefly paused, "about that nurse. Is she a . . ." -- Spag? An em dash is the usual punctuation to indicate interrupted speech. An ellipsis punctuates where words are left out of a sentence or trail off, but the sentence can still be understood. So, since the following "Breedline?" Helen finished his question before he could get the words out confirms an interruption has been made, you need to punctuate with an em dash here, not an ellipsis.
"The reason I'm here is because," Tessa hesitated for a moment -- This is where an ellipsis is appropriate. Punctuate it like this: "The reason I'm here is because..." Tessa hesitated for a moment
briefly giving in to the crushing despair that hovered over him like the darkest cloud. -- I like the imagery here :)
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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I haven't read the previous chapters of this, so I come to it cold.
I think I've picked up on the premise behind this pretty quickly. While this is clearly an alternative fictive world, I think readers' suspension of disbelief will only be maintained if minute detail inconsistent with reality (which is unexplained, or doesn't logically flow from your alternative world axioms) is minimized. I highlighted a couple of places where I think you've challenged this.
Apart from that, the narrative flows in a timely manner, and it's an easy read :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Helen cocked a brow. "I'm sorry to say, Mr. Caruso took a turn for the worst. We've got him in ICU on a ventilator." Her tone was grim. "I don't expect him to make it through the night." -- This doesn't ring true to me. A medical professional wouldn't be disclosing this information to a non-relative, and police inquiries and questions would need to be conducted by an on duty detective.
Helen noticed that Manuel's eyes never left the nurse as she exited the room, her waist-length hair swaying gently. -- Again, I'd question this. Nursing personal would never be allowed to wear long hair unfettered while on duty. There are hygiene considerations.
he briefly paused, "about that nurse. Is she a . . ." -- Spag? An em dash is the usual punctuation to indicate interrupted speech. An ellipsis punctuates where words are left out of a sentence or trail off, but the sentence can still be understood. So, since the following "Breedline?" Helen finished his question before he could get the words out confirms an interruption has been made, you need to punctuate with an em dash here, not an ellipsis.
"The reason I'm here is because," Tessa hesitated for a moment -- This is where an ellipsis is appropriate. Punctuate it like this: "The reason I'm here is because..." Tessa hesitated for a moment
briefly giving in to the crushing despair that hovered over him like the darkest cloud. -- I like the imagery here :)
Comment Written 15-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thank you, Alex :)
This is so awesome that you took the time to give me some tips and corrections. I love this! You're a big help. This is why I'm here.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
Another fantastic episode Shana. The two detectives, Perkins and Manuel Sanchez are recovering in hospital, and Helen ties in Nurse Kathryn and he for the possibility of a date, she is Breedline too. Tim is worrying about the safety of the covenant, besides Tara and Jena, from this creature that may be able to turn into fog. Well done dear girl, a great family episode, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Another fantastic episode Shana. The two detectives, Perkins and Manuel Sanchez are recovering in hospital, and Helen ties in Nurse Kathryn and he for the possibility of a date, she is Breedline too. Tim is worrying about the safety of the covenant, besides Tara and Jena, from this creature that may be able to turn into fog. Well done dear girl, a great family episode, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 14-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thanks my friend :)
I was hoping this chapter would give the reader something to look forward to coming up. Now that they think Tara might be a Breedline, who knows what might happen next.
Thanks so much!
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Of course you always manage surprise dear girl.
Comment from fm wright
Not sure what you meant by T-thank you, as spoken by Manuel. Anyway, the picture is awesome and I like the way you are pulling things together and possibly setting them up for a possible showdown with the creature at the Covenant's fortress? I do continue to stay intrigued with the story line. As always I will stay tuned for the next posting.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Not sure what you meant by T-thank you, as spoken by Manuel. Anyway, the picture is awesome and I like the way you are pulling things together and possibly setting them up for a possible showdown with the creature at the Covenant's fortress? I do continue to stay intrigued with the story line. As always I will stay tuned for the next posting.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thank you, Faye :)
Manuel is thanking Helen for all her help with her involvement with the Breedline and her physician expertise... plus the possible phone number for the nurse. :)
Glad you enjoyed. Things will get tense, and the Breedline will have their hands full with this creature. Plus, we have angels coming!
Thanks again!
Hugs,
Shana :)
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Wow! Lots coming up! Looking forward with anticipation to your next posting!
Comment from Mistydawn
It doesn't seem like Tess is safe anywhere. Hopefully, they'll be able to stop the creature once and for all. It does make me wonder what he wants with her since he's obviously sparing her life. It's well-written, very interesting start to finish. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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It doesn't seem like Tess is safe anywhere. Hopefully, they'll be able to stop the creature once and for all. It does make me wonder what he wants with her since he's obviously sparing her life. It's well-written, very interesting start to finish. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thank you, Mistydawn :)
Now that the creature can get in and out of places without being noticed, everyone is on pins and needles. The Breedline have their work cut out catching this thing. Stay tuned, things are about to turn up.
Hugs,
Shana :)
