Reviews from

Temptation in the Long Ago

Sanity prevailed in the end

4 total reviews 
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

In addition to reflecting upon the past fantasies, you are using good allusions. The reader will be drawn to honestly and yet pleasantly upon their youthful crush. You have good play on words. You have created great images to draw the reader let their imaginations fly fed by their own fantasies and secrets and secret desires. Well written.

 Comment Written 14-Jul-2019

reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
    Thank you for your read and review. Very encouraging.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Imagined love is usually so much more tantalizing than realized love. Especially in the vivid mind of a writer! It's served you well for this writing prompt, though! I really enjoyed this entry! Good luck to you. xo

 Comment Written 14-Jul-2019

reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
    Thanks for the read and the encouraging comments.
reply by Rachelle Allen on 14-Jul-2019
    Totally my pleasure.
Comment from Willie P. Smith
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I prefer strong rhyme in a poem, however; I'm glad this one caught my eye. I believe all, well maybe not all, men have had at least one young
maiden that caught his eye, but if married, don't tell your wife unless
she was the maiden in question. Very good work.

 Comment Written 13-Jul-2019

reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
    Good advice. Thanks for the read and review.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Ah, sanity prevailed. But what if it was really insanity and you two were meant to be together? Perhaps we all have these mini-fantasies where we feel a connection to someone and build it up in our own mind to become 'love'.

You have a lot of issues with punctuation here.

I like the originality of this piece and some of the phrasing is excellent, but I suspect with some editing this could become much better.

Steve

 Comment Written 13-Jul-2019

reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
    The in my mind was to use or not to use commas. I chose to use them. I'm not sure how to rework. I will look again. Thanks for the suggestion.
reply by kiwisteveh on 14-Jul-2019
    Not just commas. I'll take another look and point out some of what I think are errors.
reply by kiwisteveh on 14-Jul-2019
    There was in the long ago a
    pretty, raven-haired girl
    who invaded my soul

    She?d cast Venus glances, firing
    thoughts of forbidden connection(Period needed>
    just the flip of her hair, the swish of
    her skirt would excite, passions of Id

    During dark nights, amorous dreams
    tortured my being, a tryst was conceived
    concerning where we could meet

    But in the end?sanity prevailedour loving was never,haunts the chambers of my soul

    My suggested punctuation:

    There was in the long ago a
    pretty, raven-haired girl
    who invaded my soul.

    She?d cast Venus glances, firing
    thoughts of forbidden connection .
    Just the flip of her hair, the swish of
    her skirt would excite passions of Id.

    During dark nights amorous dreams
    tortured my being. A tryst was conceived
    concerning where we could meet,

    but in the end sanity prevailed.
    Our loving was never, but still she
    haunts the chambers of my soul.

reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
    Thanks so much for your help. I did not consider using periods. I will edit.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
    Thanks.