A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Sarah goes home"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
10 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Roxanna, So she is quitting? That does surprise me. And now she wants to become a baker. Quite a change in career isn't it? I liked the chapter. Well done and I'm looking forward to reading on. All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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Hi Roxanna, So she is quitting? That does surprise me. And now she wants to become a baker. Quite a change in career isn't it? I liked the chapter. Well done and I'm looking forward to reading on. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 12-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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Yes she wants to do something else, she's too obsessive about things, like me. So she wants to do something she'll enjoy. But there's no guarantee she won't obsess over doughnuts. =} Thanks so much. I think I have 2 chapters left and maybe one more surprise. =} Rox
Comment from robyn corum
Roxie,
Nice job. I'm kinda surprised that she's quitting, too. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And this is sure a good time to make the change. Wow. What an adventure! Thanks!
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2019
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Roxie,
Nice job. I'm kinda surprised that she's quitting, too. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And this is sure a good time to make the change. Wow. What an adventure! Thanks!
Comment Written 11-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2019
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Thank you dear.
I've had a strange thing happen. Someone has blocked me from reviewing them. I've never had that happen before. I noticed that every time I brought up one of their post it would say it wasn't available. I thought they had deleted it, but after a few times I began to wonder and tried to look them up and I can't even see their portfolio. I've never given them a bad review and very much like their posts. But they were very upset about my poem on would I be willing to be a martyr. They were upset with my notes giving the data that a college did on Christians. She felt I was saying I was better than everyone else. She said she though Jesus taught that we should be humble. I was shocked, I got 2 responses like that, both were of the same religion. I in no way even thought such a thing. The one just blew if off but I guess the other was way more offended than I thought. I did explain and I took that part out of the notes as I couldn't find the study or even the video I saw. She was very curt in her reply, I said, I don't think you have forgiven me. That really set her off. I apologized she said it was over, life goes on. But I guess it really wasn't over. I feel badly, but can't do anything about it. I will miss her posts, but there are lots of good writers so I won't suffer. Just thought it so strange. Lots of people on here write things I don't agree with at all but have never blocked anyone. ={ Rox
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Oh, wow. It always amazes me about the people who mute me. *smile* I have never once muted anyone in all the time I've been here. But I've been muted several times. Probably 8 or nine that I know of. I can talk to that person if you want?
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No, that would only upset her more. She seems rather high strung. It's OK. I just felt bad she felt she had to block me as she is the one who wrote the review and was upset, not me. Funny. But thanks. Rox
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Well, I have a preconceived notion as to who it might be. And THAT person and I are rather close. But it was someone entirely different. I was kind of surprised - just like you.
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Hmmm...will Rob become a baker too! Sorry to hear Sarah's not wanting to be a detective though, she was doing such a great job! Ok, so I'll be back to see what happens with Don then! Until then.....
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2019
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Hmmm...will Rob become a baker too! Sorry to hear Sarah's not wanting to be a detective though, she was doing such a great job! Ok, so I'll be back to see what happens with Don then! Until then.....
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2019
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Maybe Sarah can talk Rob into going to baking school and they can run the shop together. We'll just have to see what happens. =} Thanks so much. Just another chapter or two to go, Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
What it lacked in excitement it made up for in happy endings. I'm glad Don and Sarah are ok and hope Sarah's new adventure goes well. With her off the force maybe she and Rob can date? The story is well-written, interesting, your characters, plot, and dialogue seem realistic.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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What it lacked in excitement it made up for in happy endings. I'm glad Don and Sarah are ok and hope Sarah's new adventure goes well. With her off the force maybe she and Rob can date? The story is well-written, interesting, your characters, plot, and dialogue seem realistic.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Stay tuned. =] Thank you dear. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I like your story Rox. I like the fact Sarah is changing professions. Great humor in a cop owning a doughnut shop. LOL Yes, you need to clean up Don's part in the caper. Surely he was blackmailed into taking part in the crimes and did not take part in them. Just thinking. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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I like your story Rox. I like the fact Sarah is changing professions. Great humor in a cop owning a doughnut shop. LOL Yes, you need to clean up Don's part in the caper. Surely he was blackmailed into taking part in the crimes and did not take part in them. Just thinking. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Yes, I thought a cop owning a doughnut shop would be funny. =} Thanks dear. Rox
Comment from Darlene BoClair
I was concerned about Sarah. It's amazing how your story has kept me on the edge of my set from chapter 1. I like having Sarah alive. I like Don is alive. David attacked by wolves and dead was exciting. I liked reading about all the characters, the snow, and a place I have yet to know about in another state. I never imagined Sarah to be a baker, yet taking another position in the police department. I hope the ending and the mystery of Don created an awe for this mystery.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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I was concerned about Sarah. It's amazing how your story has kept me on the edge of my set from chapter 1. I like having Sarah alive. I like Don is alive. David attacked by wolves and dead was exciting. I liked reading about all the characters, the snow, and a place I have yet to know about in another state. I never imagined Sarah to be a baker, yet taking another position in the police department. I hope the ending and the mystery of Don created an awe for this mystery.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Next up in Don's interview. =} Thanks so much dear. Rox
Comment from Sally Law
I can tell this had a grammatical aid. It looks real smooth and flows nicely, too. No shame here as we all strive to improve our writing. My copy editors give it to me, and it's not pretty sometimes. There are tough reviewers on FanStory. My advise is to listen to them, fan them and draw close to them. Many are English teachers and published writers. I see a few have critiqued you and you see it as unpleasant. Think differently and see them as friends that help you get in shape, like a personal trainer.
When I receive a six from one of them, I realize I am truly ready to be published. Great chapter--and I love to bake and solve crimes, too!
Sending you my best today as always.
Sally xo
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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I can tell this had a grammatical aid. It looks real smooth and flows nicely, too. No shame here as we all strive to improve our writing. My copy editors give it to me, and it's not pretty sometimes. There are tough reviewers on FanStory. My advise is to listen to them, fan them and draw close to them. Many are English teachers and published writers. I see a few have critiqued you and you see it as unpleasant. Think differently and see them as friends that help you get in shape, like a personal trainer.
When I receive a six from one of them, I realize I am truly ready to be published. Great chapter--and I love to bake and solve crimes, too!
Sending you my best today as always.
Sally xo
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Thanks so much Sally. I don't mind the help at all. I hope I didn't sound upset at the correction, I just get so upset with myself, not the reviewer. I feel rather sorry for them.
I can't seem to learn this stuff. I used Grammerly this time along with Ginger and Grammerly is helpful as it gives an explanation as to why another word or phrase would be better. I like that.
I am very grateful for all help, but do wonder if I should keep doing this as my brain can't seem to learn, even what's her names, I can't think of it now, but she posted a bunch of helps with grammar and no change at all. =} It is so sad my brain seems to be dead. I never did well in my English classes. ={ Bummer man.
Maybe I should go back to my kids stories. But they, I'm sure were no better.Those poor children, I published 5 books and they are reading bad grammar! But no one told me back then. We have a much more constructive group on here now. It is interesting how much it has changed. I was off FS for a while and when I came back it was a whole new group and they didn't get my humor at all. I think everyone is used to me now. =}
Comment from royowen
Sarah finds out what has happened to David, and is not happy until she see his body, and later finds she has a broken ankle, and she's allowed to go home. Later she tells Rob it is a mistake to be a detective and thinks she'd like to be a baker. Well done, Rox, excellent article, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Sarah finds out what has happened to David, and is not happy until she see his body, and later finds she has a broken ankle, and she's allowed to go home. Later she tells Rob it is a mistake to be a detective and thinks she'd like to be a baker. Well done, Rox, excellent article, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Thank you Roy. =}
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Well done
Comment from Alex Rosel
I liked this excerpt a lot. The calm after the action is a good story mini-arc to follow :)
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
Rob stayed in her room all night, sleeping in a chair. -- A nice snippet of detail that demonstrates his caring nature :)
showing his surprise with wide-eyes and raised eyebrows. -- Not an error, just something to think about. You tell the reader he's surprised, and then you go on to demonstrate his surprise by his facial expressions. This is repetitive, and it also tends to detract from the reader's engagement with your narrative. If this was mine, I'd omit the telling part. Don't worry, your readers will understand he's surprised by the wide-eyes and raised eyebrows.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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I liked this excerpt a lot. The calm after the action is a good story mini-arc to follow :)
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
Rob stayed in her room all night, sleeping in a chair. -- A nice snippet of detail that demonstrates his caring nature :)
showing his surprise with wide-eyes and raised eyebrows. -- Not an error, just something to think about. You tell the reader he's surprised, and then you go on to demonstrate his surprise by his facial expressions. This is repetitive, and it also tends to detract from the reader's engagement with your narrative. If this was mine, I'd omit the telling part. Don't worry, your readers will understand he's surprised by the wide-eyes and raised eyebrows.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Are you sure? I don't know about some of these people. =} Kidding, i'll go back and fix it. Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from JudyE
So Sarah has now been saved and is going to give up her job. The storyline is logical and the dialogue has remained realistic.
Just a couple of small points:
Sarah had almost forgotten about him herself, she was so overjoyed to see Rob and the Chief - maybe 'Sarah was so overjoyed to see Rob and the Chief, she had almost forgotten about him.'
Sarah was transported to the hospital and Rob rode in the ambulance with her - maybe 'Sarah was transported to the hospital, with Rob riding in ...'
We would say 'with concussion' rather than with a concussion' but perhaps it's correct in the US.
They determined she had a broken ankle and a concussion,
After Sarah had been signed out mid-morning by the doctor, the caravan headed back to Kalispell. - I would have used 'convoy' rather than 'caravan'.
Rob looked at her in the mirror again, showing his surprise with wide-eyes and raised eyebrows - delete hyphen
He didn't think they would find her alive. - I might have used 'He hadn't thought....'
He pulled it up to his chin and closing his eyes, he fell asleep - comma after 'and'.
he made them each one - perhaps 'made them one each'
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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So Sarah has now been saved and is going to give up her job. The storyline is logical and the dialogue has remained realistic.
Just a couple of small points:
Sarah had almost forgotten about him herself, she was so overjoyed to see Rob and the Chief - maybe 'Sarah was so overjoyed to see Rob and the Chief, she had almost forgotten about him.'
Sarah was transported to the hospital and Rob rode in the ambulance with her - maybe 'Sarah was transported to the hospital, with Rob riding in ...'
We would say 'with concussion' rather than with a concussion' but perhaps it's correct in the US.
They determined she had a broken ankle and a concussion,
After Sarah had been signed out mid-morning by the doctor, the caravan headed back to Kalispell. - I would have used 'convoy' rather than 'caravan'.
Rob looked at her in the mirror again, showing his surprise with wide-eyes and raised eyebrows - delete hyphen
He didn't think they would find her alive. - I might have used 'He hadn't thought....'
He pulled it up to his chin and closing his eyes, he fell asleep - comma after 'and'.
he made them each one - perhaps 'made them one each'
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Okay I think I made improvements. Thank you. Just a few more chapters and The End. =} I hope no one is disappointed in it. A few surprises yet. Rox
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It certainly hasn't disappointed me. And as I think I said before mistakes can be corrected but you have to have the 'bones' of a good story first - which you have here.
