A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Rescue"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
11 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Rox,
Oooooohh.. Wolves. Couldn't happen to a better guy. haha Perfect ending -- for HIM, at least. I'm glad Sarah's ordeal is over for the moment. Not sure what else awaits her. I'm interested to see what else is in store. Thanks!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
  |
Rox,
Oooooohh.. Wolves. Couldn't happen to a better guy. haha Perfect ending -- for HIM, at least. I'm glad Sarah's ordeal is over for the moment. Not sure what else awaits her. I'm interested to see what else is in store. Thanks!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
-
I do hope he tasted good. Just a few more chapters and a few more surprises, then The End. Yeah! Thanks so much dear. Rox
-
I went to bed last night and for some reason this chapter kept popping into my brain. It kept occurring to me that the wolves attacked him and not her - didn't even bother her. I think you need an explanation for that.
Perhaps make a big deal of the fact that he had a lot of (fresh) blood running down his face and perhaps elsewhere. Since it was a broken nose - that could explain it. We all know how a head injury and noses especially are so bad to want to bleed and bleed.
And maybe mention that she had staunched hers. Got the bleeding stopped. AND that maybe she didn't run immediately after he was attacked by the wolves? Maybe the wolves dragged him away and THEN when the coast was clear, she ran.
All just thoughts...
-
Yes, others have pointed this out. However if you know wolves, which I don't, at least I've not met any personally, you know that they attack as a unit, one attack at a time. They may kill more than once in a day, but they attack one at a time as a pack. David was the most visible. He was standing while Sarah was hidden in the bushes. There were only 3 wolves, which is unusual. There are often as many as 10 usually more. Once they were in a frenzy, eating poor David =} they paid no attention to Sarah. They had food. I thought about saying more about the wolves like they had been trapped for a week by heavy snow and had run out of prey. I might go back and do something like that. I'll look at it again. Thank you dear. Rox
Comment from royowen
At last a bit of luck for Sarah, and being rescued initially by an unlikeky source, wolves, and David meets his reward. But the police have rescued her, although thanks to the wild creatures she might've been cold meat. We'll done Rox, great post. Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
|
At last a bit of luck for Sarah, and being rescued initially by an unlikeky source, wolves, and David meets his reward. But the police have rescued her, although thanks to the wild creatures she might've been cold meat. We'll done Rox, great post. Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
-
Thanks so much. I just hope David tasted good, but I doubt it. Just about 4 more chapters, hopefully, maybe more and it's done. A few more surprises in store. =} Rox
-
Well done
Comment from Darlene BoClair
I hope for an amazing ending. I am eager to read on more.
Now, I want more details as to what house did they take Sarah into. O, maybe this is another surprise. Sarah, must not disappear again, yet this your story.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
|
I hope for an amazing ending. I am eager to read on more.
Now, I want more details as to what house did they take Sarah into. O, maybe this is another surprise. Sarah, must not disappear again, yet this your story.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
-
Thanks, they took her into David's house. But she will go to the hospital to be checked over. A few more chapters and it's done, I have to close all the loose end with Don and Rick and what was going on there. There may be a few surprise yet. =}
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Whoa! So the wolves ate David? Oh my! Well, its not like he didn't deserve it! Sounds like "somebody" was pretty darn happy to see Sarah! Awe! I hope it works out! :)
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
|
Whoa! So the wolves ate David? Oh my! Well, its not like he didn't deserve it! Sounds like "somebody" was pretty darn happy to see Sarah! Awe! I hope it works out! :)
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
-
Yes David was dinner. I hope he tasted good. =} Thank you my dear.
-
:) xoxoxo
Comment from Ulla
Hi Roxanna, Oh my, this was quite dramatic. He really was a bad guy but there was some justice in all this. The wolves got to him.
Just a couple of things. Lay should be lie and laying should be lying All best, Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
|
Hi Roxanna, Oh my, this was quite dramatic. He really was a bad guy but there was some justice in all this. The wolves got to him.
Just a couple of things. Lay should be lie and laying should be lying All best, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
-
Okay, thanks. Yes David was dinner. I just hope he tasted good. =}
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Oh, I am so happy her ordeal is at an end! Brilliant Rox! I liked every bit of this chapter. I was almost as exhausted as Sarah by the time she was saved. Therefore the six. LOL
God's answer to her prayers was a pack of wolves. How nice. It couldn't happen to a more deserving person. And then to find herself in Rob's arms. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
 |
Oh, I am so happy her ordeal is at an end! Brilliant Rox! I liked every bit of this chapter. I was almost as exhausted as Sarah by the time she was saved. Therefore the six. LOL
God's answer to her prayers was a pack of wolves. How nice. It couldn't happen to a more deserving person. And then to find herself in Rob's arms. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
-
=} I hope he tasted good. =} Thanks so much Nancy. Really appreciate the 6 stars as there were those who felt I didn't do very well. It is interesting how some love the story and other find many faults.
Comment from Mistydawn
I'm so glad she's safe at last. Bet the wolves have major indigestion eating an a-hole like him, poor things. I do hope Dave's death was slow, painful. It's very well written, suspenseful start to finish. I'm so glad everything turned out alright. I was really worried it wouldn't. Great job as always.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
|
I'm so glad she's safe at last. Bet the wolves have major indigestion eating an a-hole like him, poor things. I do hope Dave's death was slow, painful. It's very well written, suspenseful start to finish. I'm so glad everything turned out alright. I was really worried it wouldn't. Great job as always.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
-
I hope he tasted good. =} Just a few more chapters and it's done. I'm going to take a break after that, from book writing anyway. Thanks so much dear. Rox
Comment from the13thpoet
Good Morning Roxanna. I'm not sure if this is my second or third installment of this, but either way I enjoyed it. Glad to see that Sarah was saved in the end and that David got his just desserts. Was that the end? Good job!
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
|
Good Morning Roxanna. I'm not sure if this is my second or third installment of this, but either way I enjoyed it. Glad to see that Sarah was saved in the end and that David got his just desserts. Was that the end? Good job!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
-
No there are still more chapters to come, just finishing up lose ends and answering a few question still lingering. =] But no more David to worry about. I do hope he tasted good. =} Thanks so much Sir. rox
Comment from Sally Law
Your best chapter, and I'm glad you added the wolves I hinted at in my review. It makes for a gripping winter scene, creating an authentic setting. This is good stuff and sweet romantic relief at the end, too.
Sending you my best today as well,
Sal xo
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
|
Your best chapter, and I'm glad you added the wolves I hinted at in my review. It makes for a gripping winter scene, creating an authentic setting. This is good stuff and sweet romantic relief at the end, too.
Sending you my best today as well,
Sal xo
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
-
Thanks so much. There were those who thought it not so good. It is interesting how some like it and others find many faults. I guess its just in how you see things. I do hope David tasted good. =} Rox
Comment from Alex Rosel
In general, I like how you've constructed the climax to the story here. I particularly like the slight diversionary introduction of the woman car driver and her daughter; their introduction potentially raises the stakes :)
Having said that, here's some nitpicking points. I hope you don't mind me being persnickety, but maybe one or two of these points will strike a chord with you:
"I'd rather have him look at us than wait in the ER," David responded calmly 1 This is not an error, but maybe something you might like to think about. Elmore Leonard advises: Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue. Your use of David responded calmly doesn't work for me here. Do an Internet search for Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules of Writing. They contain some great advice, and he should know, he sold tens of millions of books.
David responded calmly. Sarah was relieved and amazed at how he was keeping so calm. -- And another point here is that you repeat the information to the reader that David is calm. Repetition can tend to detract from the pace of the prose.
She heard David yell, "I'll kill you, Sarah!" -- This doesn't quite feel right to me. She's just plunged a knife into his chest, and he's calling her by her name. If this was mine, I'd reword it to something like She heard David yell, "I'll kill you, [expletive here]!" That's just personal preference, though.
She tried to get up, but her broken ankle wouldn't allow her to walk. -- At this point, she wouldn't know if her ankle was broken or not. It could be a pulled tender, or whatever. Having the narrator tell the reader the ankle is broken is sort of like the narrator interfering in the plot; the narrator is pushing in between the reader and the action of the narrative. Just something you might like to think about.
I hope to read the follow-on excerpt(s). I'm wondering what "surprises" you have :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
|
In general, I like how you've constructed the climax to the story here. I particularly like the slight diversionary introduction of the woman car driver and her daughter; their introduction potentially raises the stakes :)
Having said that, here's some nitpicking points. I hope you don't mind me being persnickety, but maybe one or two of these points will strike a chord with you:
"I'd rather have him look at us than wait in the ER," David responded calmly 1 This is not an error, but maybe something you might like to think about. Elmore Leonard advises: Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue. Your use of David responded calmly doesn't work for me here. Do an Internet search for Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules of Writing. They contain some great advice, and he should know, he sold tens of millions of books.
David responded calmly. Sarah was relieved and amazed at how he was keeping so calm. -- And another point here is that you repeat the information to the reader that David is calm. Repetition can tend to detract from the pace of the prose.
She heard David yell, "I'll kill you, Sarah!" -- This doesn't quite feel right to me. She's just plunged a knife into his chest, and he's calling her by her name. If this was mine, I'd reword it to something like She heard David yell, "I'll kill you, [expletive here]!" That's just personal preference, though.
She tried to get up, but her broken ankle wouldn't allow her to walk. -- At this point, she wouldn't know if her ankle was broken or not. It could be a pulled tender, or whatever. Having the narrator tell the reader the ankle is broken is sort of like the narrator interfering in the plot; the narrator is pushing in between the reader and the action of the narrative. Just something you might like to think about.
I hope to read the follow-on excerpt(s). I'm wondering what "surprises" you have :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
-
I made some changes I hope help the story. I guess when I said Sarah heard a crack people would know her ankle broke, but maybe not. Just a few more chapter to clear up all the questions, which may not be too exciting and than the end and then I'm taking a break. =} Thanks for all the helps. Rox
-
A long time ago when I was a teenager, I thought I had broken my arm. I heard and felt a crack as I fell into a wall. It wasn't broken, I had dislocated the elbow joint, and the noise and feel was it popping in and out of the socket. Just saying...
-
Okay, I'll remember that the next time I have someone break their ankle. =} Oh and I forgot to say that I know cussing might make it more realistic, but I don't cuss, never have, none of my family does or my friends, believe it or not, so my stories will never have cursing in them. I figure there is enough of it out there, I don't need to add to it. =} But again thank you for the helps. I do want my stories to be the best they can be. Rox
-
Cussing is a personal view. I completely understand your aversion to it :)
