Reviews from

A Light in the Darkness

Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Not Again"
Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case

10 total reviews 
Comment from JudyE
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Your story is moving along at a good pace. I did pick up a few points which I've listed below.

Back at the station, Chief Brenner put a call into the Yosemite Park Ranger's HQ. He learned they had their own police department. He explained the situation and the sergeant on duty readily agreed to a search. He would send rangers to check out all the campgrounds and find out who had rented a cabin in the last two weeks. He'd send out an APB with the vehicle description and license number. - four out of five sentences in the above start with 'He'. I'd try to mix the beginnings up a bit.

Forty-five minutes later a caravan of six vehicles, two pickup trucks and four SUVs left the Kalispell Police Station on their way to Yosemite National Park - would it be a 'caravan' or a 'convoy'?

Sarah put two sweatshirts on over her sweater and pulled on a pair of ski pants. - close gap between 'put' and 'two'

she put the bags of food and water under the seat that flipped opened - should be 'flipped open'.

She throttle back and got it under control - 'She throttled back' or maybe 'Throttling back, she got it....'.

Chief Brenner and Rob drove mostly in silence. Each occupied with their own thoughts. - replace period with a comma

"Did you fill in the FBI?" The Chief asked Rob, breaking the silence - lower case for 'the'.

It jerked along for a while and stopped all together - maybe 'then stopped altogether'.

more business and gas stations - businesses and gas stations

The snow on the top of the embankmen thad - 'embankment had'

"Anyone here!" she called. - Question mark after 'here'

Off to read the next chapter.
Judy





 Comment Written 07-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
    Thanks again. =} Rox
Comment from Darlene BoClair
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Now, I see what's happening more and more to Sarah. David has got to be a strong man to hit her unconscious. I like to know more about David's mental state. He has a love/hate relationship with women. While in jail was he in a mental ward? Is Sarah his last victim? I hope the ending does not take us to the cemetery. Closure is going to be wild.
















 Comment Written 06-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
    David is a big poo poo head. =} He will be sorry. Thanks again dear.
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

So intense! I just got caught up on the prior two chapters! I just can't put this story down! This is one I would end up reading until I couldn't read any longer and sleep took me! I am breathlessly waiting for next chapter! So very good!! xoxo

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
    Thank you dear. The next chapter is coming over the weekend. =}
reply by Diana L Crawford on 06-Jul-2019
    Woo hoo! I?ll be waiting!!! xoxo
Comment from royowen
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Now I'd have to call that bad luck, with a touch of irony to boot, missing the park ranger, she could have headed back to the house, bas luck had it.... This is an excellent episode Rox, quite elaborate in its way, but very clever, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : She throttle(d) back

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
    Thank you so much, Roy. I've finished it so now just need to clean it up and post the chapters. It's nice to have it finished.
reply by royowen on 06-Jul-2019
    Well done
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Oh No! What in the world Made her so careless. Why didn't she bite him to make him let go. Well I hope he is trapped in the car. Anyhow he shouldn't be able to take her anywhere. He could kill her now but that wouldn't be smart. The police should be able to find the direction she left in maybe they will save her. Well done! Nancy:)

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
    I didn't think of biting. =} More excitement to come. =} Thank you dear for the 6 stars, I am honored. Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Oh, Darn it, just when things were looking up too. I hope they decide to follow the snowmobile tracks and hurry about it. The chapter is well-written, very interesting, suspenseful start to finish.

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
    All shall be revealed soon. =] I've finished it. I am happy with the ending. =} Just a few more chapter to the end. Thank you dear. Rox
Comment from shaffer40
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

It looks like you've written a lot of this book, and I am just now seeing this one chapter. I am trying to write a mystery story myself, and this inspires me.

I noticed some punctuation errors and suggested word changes that might make it more concise and smooth.

There are several places, which I didn't mark, where "the chief" should not be caps, unless it's as a name, such as "Chief Brenner." Likewise, "the park ranger," but I think I marked all of those.

********************************

An "s" missing on "book" in your profile.

The air bag deployed, breaking David's nose and knocking him out.
Suggest: The air bag deployed, breaking his nose and knocking him out.

the sergeant on duty, readily agree to a search.
No comma after "duty"; "agreed" to a search.

Sarah, and David Lawson
No comma after "Sarah"

they decided to leave for Yosemite right then.
Suggest: they decided to leave for Yosemite immediately.

two pickup trucks and four SUV's,
No apostrophe in SUVs; no comma after "SUVs"

Sarah pulled on two sweat shirts over her sweater, and pulled on a pair
of ski pants.
"Sweatshirts" one word; no comma after "sweater"

She pulled on three pairs of socks and pushed her feet into the hiking
boots, they fit a bit snug, but nothing painful. Putting on a knitted
hat, she grabbed the coat and food and went out the door.
Suggest [less verbiage makes images stronger]: She pulled on three pairs
of socks and pushed her feet into the hiking boots. They were snug
but not painful. She added a knitted hat, grabbed her coat and food
and headed out the door.

Looking around the garage for anything she could use, she found two
snowmobiles under a tarp. She was ecstatic. The keys were in the
ignitions.
Why would he leave the keys in the ignitions? Was it a trap? No, David,
besides being insane, was also very cocky. Confident that she could
never escape.
Suggest combine paragraphs & omit "very" & "also". "Very" weakens
images & "also" not needed because of "besides."
Looking around the garage for anything she could use, she found two
snowmobiles under a tarp. She was ecstatic; the keys were in the
ignitions, but why would he leave them there? Was it a trap? No--
David, besides being insane, was cocky, confident that she could
never escape.

but she hoped to have gotten help before then happened.
but she hoped to have gotten help before that happened.

If she could get out on a main road and follow it, she would eventually
find another house or a gas station. Staying on the shoulder of the
far right lane, she turned her lights off in case David returned.
Slowing to a crawl to avoid an accident in the dark, she inched along,
aided by the moonlight reflecting off the snow.
Suggest consistent tense: She followed what she thought was the main
road, hoping to find another house or a gas station. With her lights
off in case David returned, she counted on the moon reflecting off
the snow to guide her. She stayed on the shoulder of the far right
lane, inching along at a crawl to avoid an accident.

Chief Brenner and Rob drove mostly in silence. Each occupied with their
own thoughts.
Chief Brenner and Rob drove mostly in silence, each occupied with his
own thoughts.

but the police still have him
but the police still had him

"Did you fill in the FBI?" The Chief asked Rob, breaking the silence.
Small "t" -- "Did you fill in the FBI?" the Chief asked Rob, breaking the
silence.

"Good, I had almost forgotten about our friend, Don."
Suggest contraction in conversation: "Good, I'd almost forgotten about
our friend, Don."

There was almost no traffic once Sarah was on what she hoped was a
main road. The lack of any traffic made her wonder. She hid in the
bushes a few times, fearing the oncoming cars could be David. None
had been.
She decided it was safe to open the throttle and turn on the lights. If she
didn't she would never get far enough away. After about thirty
minutes the mobile began to sputter. It jerked along for a while and
stopped all together. Out of gas. She had noticed the gas was low,
but thought she would find a gas station by now.
She pulled the snowmobile into the bushes to hide it and took all her
provisions. She was glad she had thought to grab the quilt.
Suggest combining paragraphs. [I went back and changed earlier hope
that she was on a main road, so no need to repeat here.]
Suggest: Sarah encountered almost no traffic but hid in the bushes with
each oncoming car, fearing that it might be David. She eventually
realized she would have to make better time or she would never get
away. Aware of the risk, she opened the throttle and turned on the
lights, but within thirty minutes the mobile began to sputter. It
jerked along for a while, then stopped all together. She was out of
gas; she had noticed it was low but thought she would have found a
station by now.

Walking for what seemed an eternity, she saw car lights ahead. She
scrambled up the embankment and hid behind a tree. As it passed,
she saw it was a Park Ranger's car. She was in Yosemite.
Sarah ran down the embankment, yelling and waving her arms, but
the ranger never noticed.
Suggest combining paragraphs & change "Sarah" to "she" in final
sentence & "park ranger" no caps:
Walking for what seemed an eternity, she saw car lights ahead. She
scrambled up the embankment and hid behind a tree. As it passed,
she saw it was a park ranger's car. She was in Yosemite. She pulled
the snowmobile into the bushes to hide it and took all her provisions,
pleased that she had thought to grab the quilt. Walking for what
seemed an eternity, she saw car lights ahead. She scrambled up the
embankment and hid behind a tree. As it passed, she saw it was a
park ranger's car. She was in Yosemite. She ran down the
embankment, yelling and waving her arms, but the ranger never
noticed.

why there weren't more business and gas stations close by.
"businesses" plural

The Parks PD
The park's PD

They knocked on the door, and got no answer
No comma after "door"

They went room by room calling out, "Clear!" when they found that room
empty.
They went room by room, calling out "Clear!" when the found each one
empty.

One of the ranger's radioed in what they had found to the sergeant.
No apostrophe in rangers

After seeing the Ranger's car going the opposite way she wondered if she
had chosen the wrong direction. She still didn't see any lights that
indicated a house or gas station close by.
Suggest: After seeing the ranger's car going the opposite way, she
wondered if she had chosen the wrong direction. She still didn't see
any lights that indicated a house or a gas station.

She had to keep fighting the fear that rose up inside her. She knew she
could freeze to death. But what would be worse, freezing to death or
having David kill her? At least out here she had a chance.
Suggest combining: She had to fight her fear. She knew she could freeze
to death. Would freezing be worse than David killing her? she
wondered. At least out here she had a chance. So far she had kept
warm enough, had stayed on the road to keep her feet from freezing
in the snow.

A sharp curve was ahead and she saw what looked to be tire tracks
swerving, and a large circle in the snow. A car must have spun out.
Looking toward the embankment, she could see that the snow had
been knocked down. Going over to have a look, she saw what could
be a fender sticking out of the snow. She hurried down to see if
anyone was hurt.
Suggest: On a sharp curve ahead she saw what looked like tire tracks
that had swerved and made a large circle in the snow. A car must
have spun out. Looking toward the embankment she could see what
appeared to be a fender protruding from snow that had been piled
high. She rushed down to see if anyone was hurt.

starred at her,
stared at her,



 Comment Written 05-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
    Good grief!! I'm so sorry you had to go through all this work! I seem to cause this reaction in a lot of people. =} You would't believe how many times I rewrite and read my work. This one more then most as my internet was down 4 days and I could only go on Word, so... I think I may be talking to much. Anyway, I do thank you for all you hard work and time. I will have a look at it...again. =} Rox
reply by shaffer40 on 05-Jul-2019
    You weren't talking too much. It's nice to get responses. I enjoyed working on your story. XO
reply by Anonymous Member on 05-Jul-2019
    You weren't talking too much. It's nice to get responses. I enjoyed working on your story. XO
Comment from Cindy Warren
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Sounds like Sarah got herself out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. The rangers better find them soon or they're both going to be in trouble.

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
    Stay tuned. =} Thank you for the review. Rox
Comment from Janilou
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

The ending of this chapter reminded me why I usually avoid reading horror stories. Sigh. Don't get me wrong. It's very well written. I didn't see any edits or corrections needed. It fits its genre perfectly.
Gave me the shivers. Poor Sarah. I was a little surprised she didn't recognize David's car?
All the best,
Jan

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
    I thought I already replied to this so forgive me if you get two. I'm sorry it scared you. The car is covered in snow up to the windows, a little avalanche happened when the car upset all that snow. Thanks so much for the 5 stars. =}
reply by Janilou on 05-Jul-2019
    Ah, yes of course. It was buried in snow so she wouldn?t have recognized it. 😊
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
    I just think of everything. =}
Comment from WryWriter
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Boy, that ending is going to leave readers mad! LOL! LOL! Caught again!! This is a very exciting chapter that grips and holds the attention!
----
She pulled on three pairs of socks and pushed her feet into the hiking boots((.)) ((T))hey fit a bit snug, but nothing painful.

She knew she would leave tracks in the snow((,)) and David would have no problem following them, but she hoped to have gotten help before ((that)) happened.

There was never enough evidence to arrest him, but the police still ((had)) him on their radar.

fearing the oncoming cars could be David. ((None so far.)) (Keeps reader in suspense)

She had noticed the gas was low, but ((had)) thought she would find a gas station by now.

Stop acting like an idiot, Sarah ((omit, she told herself.)) Keep a clear head, stay alive((!)) ((Italicize thoughts))

As the police pulled up to the house, they saw the garage door was open((;) no car was inside. They knocked on the door, ((but didn't get an)) answer even though the lights were on.

So did she take the car and get away, or did he catch her and take her somewhere((--))maybe to kill her?"

After seeing the Ranger's car going the opposite way((,)) she wondered if she had chosen the wrong direction.

She was staying warm((--))so far((--))but that may not last. She stayed on the road to keep her feet from freezing in the snow. A sharp curve was ahead((,)) and she saw what looked to be tire tracks swerving, and a large circle in the snow. A car must have spun((-))out.

The driver side window was down((,)) and she called((,)) "Anyone here((?))!"
----
Very well-done chapter!!







 Comment Written 04-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
    Thanks so much. I think I fixed everything. =]