God Water Sand Beggar!
Please read Author's Notes first and appreciate my style29 total reviews
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Alcreator:
I read your author's notes plus your story and want to say this to you,
first and foremost - do not change your writing style to please anyone
else. I particularly like reading works written by those from different
cultures and countries other than mine. It helps me gain insight into
the writer.
Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your work soon,
jan
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Alcreator:
I read your author's notes plus your story and want to say this to you,
first and foremost - do not change your writing style to please anyone
else. I particularly like reading works written by those from different
cultures and countries other than mine. It helps me gain insight into
the writer.
Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your work soon,
jan
Comment Written 13-Jul-2019
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story about Samuel, the father and Daniel, the son. The father and the community where they live was stunned one day when there was no water to find only sand, until Daniel went to find water deep down in the sand and they all want him to be the leader of the community.
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A very well-written story about Samuel, the father and Daniel, the son. The father and the community where they live was stunned one day when there was no water to find only sand, until Daniel went to find water deep down in the sand and they all want him to be the leader of the community.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2019
Comment from Sally Law
In my circle of friends, it is always my dear ones who will speak the truth in love. You are not at your gifted best with this one, I'm afraid.
It is the writer's burden to tell the story. This was definitely a dry desert. Your technical issues are too many to ignore, interrupting the flow. I'm sure you know this as a writer. Your byline is "write to inspire." I would rethink this article if that is your goal.
I'm glad to say, for the most part, I've enjoyed your work. But I simply did not get this story at all, even after reading your author's comments.
Sending you my best today as always. I hope you take all the good advice within the many FanStory member critiques I read today. It will serve you well.
Sally :+)
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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In my circle of friends, it is always my dear ones who will speak the truth in love. You are not at your gifted best with this one, I'm afraid.
It is the writer's burden to tell the story. This was definitely a dry desert. Your technical issues are too many to ignore, interrupting the flow. I'm sure you know this as a writer. Your byline is "write to inspire." I would rethink this article if that is your goal.
I'm glad to say, for the most part, I've enjoyed your work. But I simply did not get this story at all, even after reading your author's comments.
Sending you my best today as always. I hope you take all the good advice within the many FanStory member critiques I read today. It will serve you well.
Sally :+)
Comment Written 12-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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Thanks.
Comment from robyn corum
ALD,
There are lots of times when I read your posts and simply don't get them.
Here, it seems like the dad starts out bragging about his son, who saves the town, is so smart, and should be president - but somehow he ends up talking about himself, a poor, illiterate beggar. That doesn't make much sense to me really. If the son is the 'star' of the story seems like the focus would be on him the whole time, you know?
And I have to wonder how the son became so educated when the father doesn't seem to have money to pay for school - and has other sons to pay for, as well.
Interesting piece. Thanks!
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ALD,
There are lots of times when I read your posts and simply don't get them.
Here, it seems like the dad starts out bragging about his son, who saves the town, is so smart, and should be president - but somehow he ends up talking about himself, a poor, illiterate beggar. That doesn't make much sense to me really. If the son is the 'star' of the story seems like the focus would be on him the whole time, you know?
And I have to wonder how the son became so educated when the father doesn't seem to have money to pay for school - and has other sons to pay for, as well.
Interesting piece. Thanks!
Comment Written 12-Jul-2019
Comment from JLR
What seems such a plentiful item in many environs throughout the western hemisphere your take through the tale of this dreamer is dreamt arid land with precious water taken from the depths deep below the sand. I hope that I am correct I my reading and I appreciate your sharing your work.
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What seems such a plentiful item in many environs throughout the western hemisphere your take through the tale of this dreamer is dreamt arid land with precious water taken from the depths deep below the sand. I hope that I am correct I my reading and I appreciate your sharing your work.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2019
Comment from Bill Schott
This descriptive essay about the seemingly simple actions of the words o& sand, water, and the discourse of a daily routine become riveting. Th3 narration through the beggar's eyes gives all things new importance and meaning.
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This descriptive essay about the seemingly simple actions of the words o& sand, water, and the discourse of a daily routine become riveting. Th3 narration through the beggar's eyes gives all things new importance and meaning.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
It always pains me to rate something as average or good but, in this case there are far too many technical issues to simply ignore.
First, the SPAG problems are numerous throughout. I would suggest you run this through a really good grammar checker and follow its recommendations.
Second, your use of vocabulary is, to say the least, extremely redundant. For example, the reference to "village" and its derivatives is not only overpowering, it is also really distracting. The word appears at least twice in every paragraph and there are certainly numerous word you could have used in its place and still conveyed the same thought.
Third, you seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again. If you choose your words wisely then all you need to do is say it one time for the reader to digest it. This really could be half the length if edited properly.
The theme is intriguing and could make for a beautifully inspirational story if cleaned up a bit. Thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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It always pains me to rate something as average or good but, in this case there are far too many technical issues to simply ignore.
First, the SPAG problems are numerous throughout. I would suggest you run this through a really good grammar checker and follow its recommendations.
Second, your use of vocabulary is, to say the least, extremely redundant. For example, the reference to "village" and its derivatives is not only overpowering, it is also really distracting. The word appears at least twice in every paragraph and there are certainly numerous word you could have used in its place and still conveyed the same thought.
Third, you seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again. If you choose your words wisely then all you need to do is say it one time for the reader to digest it. This really could be half the length if edited properly.
The theme is intriguing and could make for a beautifully inspirational story if cleaned up a bit. Thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thanks.
Comment from Susan Morritt
Hi Alcreator Litt Dear
I like the title of your fictional story "God, Water, Sand, Beggar!"; however, in my opinion there are quite a few problems that could be edited.
To begin with, "Daniel would be the President" uses the improper tense for this sentence. It should be "will," or even "should," in order for the sentence to make sense.
In the third paragraph, "many people were seen so happy" is confusing and garbled. Perhaps changing it to "many people appeared happy" might clarify this?
In the seventh paragraph, your words, "the dead-end last night" seem confusing. Does this refer to when the green land turned to sand, or the break of dawn?
In the eleventh paragraph, the line "birds, animals, and beast died, missing," seems confusing. Does the speaker know that the creatures are actually dead, or just missing?
In the sixteenth paragraph, the line, "I woke up with a pride" is also garbled. Perhaps it should read, " I awoke, proud."
I found your portrayal of the characters in your story, especially Daniel and the narrator, Samuel, to be well thought out and convincing; however, I found the story much too repetitious, but again, that is just my opinion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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Hi Alcreator Litt Dear
I like the title of your fictional story "God, Water, Sand, Beggar!"; however, in my opinion there are quite a few problems that could be edited.
To begin with, "Daniel would be the President" uses the improper tense for this sentence. It should be "will," or even "should," in order for the sentence to make sense.
In the third paragraph, "many people were seen so happy" is confusing and garbled. Perhaps changing it to "many people appeared happy" might clarify this?
In the seventh paragraph, your words, "the dead-end last night" seem confusing. Does this refer to when the green land turned to sand, or the break of dawn?
In the eleventh paragraph, the line "birds, animals, and beast died, missing," seems confusing. Does the speaker know that the creatures are actually dead, or just missing?
In the sixteenth paragraph, the line, "I woke up with a pride" is also garbled. Perhaps it should read, " I awoke, proud."
I found your portrayal of the characters in your story, especially Daniel and the narrator, Samuel, to be well thought out and convincing; however, I found the story much too repetitious, but again, that is just my opinion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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Thanks.
Comment from Sheridan1
An interesting way to write a story. Not just the repetition but one time mingling with another. I am giving you a 5 because you are being purposeful even though I am not familiar with these patterns.
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An interesting way to write a story. Not just the repetition but one time mingling with another. I am giving you a 5 because you are being purposeful even though I am not familiar with these patterns.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
Comment from Sanku
I live in Chennai which currently going through a terrible drought. So I wish there were a few of such people here who could realise our prayers for rain ,or find water in dry soil.
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I live in Chennai which currently going through a terrible drought. So I wish there were a few of such people here who could realise our prayers for rain ,or find water in dry soil.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
