God Water Sand Beggar!
Please read Author's Notes first and appreciate my style29 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Interesting topic, but far too repetitious, making it about three times as long as it could have, should have, been. For maximum impact, say each thing just once, not several times, over and over. An exciting piece becomes boring when you don't know when to stop.
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Interesting topic, but far too repetitious, making it about three times as long as it could have, should have, been. For maximum impact, say each thing just once, not several times, over and over. An exciting piece becomes boring when you don't know when to stop.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
Comment from john mallahan
Sand. Water. I get it. Or do I? Can't think that any of us who live in the US. who really do. Only can be exhibited, by those that have experienced the rest. The places, where all is NOT substantial! We take for granted so much. The places where we can take a shower. The uninhabited. All exhibits places where never have been, and in my mind, never WANT to be.
Can we go on???
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Sand. Water. I get it. Or do I? Can't think that any of us who live in the US. who really do. Only can be exhibited, by those that have experienced the rest. The places, where all is NOT substantial! We take for granted so much. The places where we can take a shower. The uninhabited. All exhibits places where never have been, and in my mind, never WANT to be.
Can we go on???
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
Comment from Shawntell Roberson
Great piece! It was very uplifting and I could feel it in my soul. It was entertaining as well. You use so much detail in setting and that makes me feel like I'm right in the story my friend. Perfect spelling and punctuation. You earned a ten start rating, but I could only go to a six:) I would love to see more of your writing!
Shawntell
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Great piece! It was very uplifting and I could feel it in my soul. It was entertaining as well. You use so much detail in setting and that makes me feel like I'm right in the story my friend. Perfect spelling and punctuation. You earned a ten start rating, but I could only go to a six:) I would love to see more of your writing!
Shawntell
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
Comment from Miles Connolly
Just some grammar edits if you want the;)
"Daniel would be the President of our country," a few villagers shouted.
A red-faced, madly, old beggar villager from a nearby village clamoured and said, "Beggar Samuel's son Daniel? A First Citizen of our country? No, never, in God we trust." He left the crowd running and jumping. The golden sun was setting quietly. A few people shouted saying, "Danny is a discoverer and life saver today."
Many people were seen so happy at the discovery of water. The crowd began to cheer. They were happy with the discovery of a source of water in their green village land turned into a sandy village land overnight. They were blessing their village boy, a literary scholar, national civil service qualified, doctorate scholar engineer for the discovery. People from different places and the villages of our State were watching and thinking of their lives at the eastern edge of the Rainbow Village.
Daniel, my son, is a discoverer of water in the newly created sands. He deserves to be president of the country, people believe. Today, he has done a great, humane job; he has saved lives of the dwellers of the seven villages over the land of sand.
I am grateful to God; my first and only son was born after fourteen years of my marriage at my thirty-third year of age. I remember the day; he was born at the dead end of the night on my fourteenth marriage anniversary at my birth place in our ancestral village.
O my, begging is my profession today. I am grateful to God for my son is a gifted all time scholarship holder, first class Master of Hydro Engineering, and an author. He is going to join the national civil service cadre in our capital city of the country.
God takes tests of man in summer. Last night, Nature turned violent and changed her course of activity all on a sudden. Our aggro-based village was very close to a semi-desert land of our State. There are many green villages on the exterior part of our state desert land. Of about three hundred villages, our seven villages had fertile, cultivable, green watery land surrounded by a semi-desert land of the state. Within a few hours, land of our villages tuned into a semi-desert land at the dead end last night.
It was Tuesday morning; I cancelled my begging for alms for the new sandy day. People already started to adapt to the new gifted land of sand.
In search of water, my son walked all along the newly laid sandy ways. His mother went on fast. She breaks her fast after worshipping God, only after serving water and sugar to Him at her prayer place at home. She has been praying to God since her childhood. She waits for her son 'Danny' and believes he will fetch water for man, birds and animals.
My father and my brothers are on their way to our town on their today's water business. Dwellers of the villages are using their political, social, economic and other resourceful connections and sources for survival.
In the newly created sand-based land, most of the birds, animals and beasts died, missing, and every living and non-living object buried under sand, and the earth of our villages was covered with sand. Many villagers left our villages, a few of them moved to other and neighbouring green villages and places on safe upland.
Assembly of our seven villages is popularly known as 'Rainbow Gram'. There are seven types of religious followers. People have started going to their gods at their religious places -- the Buddhist Temple, Synagogue, Gurudwara, Fire Temple,, Mosque and Church in sands.
I was waiting for water at my newest dilapidated half-mast cottage over new sands. At twilight in the dusk, in the eastern horizon in a dusty sandy place, I saw a shadow of a saintly, long hairy and bearded beggarly man standing and looking at my largest window dumped in sand. It appeared to me that the beggarly man was gazing at me and waiting for telling me something. Soon, he became invisible in the darkest moment at the dusk within the period of the fall of the evening.
Silence reveals truth; I started to ponder about the man. Being a real beggar, I failed to think and find out any factual relation in the invisible beggarly saint, the moment, the situation, and the uneven new sands.
I tried hard to sleep, on my sandy bed on the sand within the thatched tattered sandy walls, under the open, starry and huge black and dark night.
My nap dismantled. I woke up with a pride feeling for my son and his making a discovery of a source of water. I was expecting to know about his joining date for his service to begin as a national civil servant to be posted in the capital city.
I found my boy waiting to serve me fresh drinking water in my large pure copper glass that my father-in-law pawned me along with his seven year old only daughter on our marriage day at my parental village.
Of forty pet animals and birds, most of them either died or buried under the blanket of sand, I was fortunate of seeing only a cockatoo, a cow, an ox, a buffalo and an old dog that managed to survive in the sand storm, and the rest of my pets was untraceable around my home.
My wife cried enough, first ever, since morning. She has spoken no words. My pet bird and animals turned almost mute all the hours. I thanked God for I thought they appeared to me more intelligent than an elderly, illiterate beggar like me. They have not yet complained for water, food and shelter over hours.
God continues taking our tests for living. God wants to teach us value of a drop of water. I could guess God's plan for our living.
I read the face of my son. And I realized he must have learnt the worth of a drop of water. He tried hard, not to lose a drop of water while carrying barrel-filled water all the way home first ever. He came back home after thirteen long hours. I saw him walking bare foot along and through all the dusty created ocean of sand upon the land of yellow gold space over yesterday's green earth.
Next morning, we came to know the breaking news -- discovery of water in sand. People in thousands blessed my gifted son. Today, many other people and young men have been trying since morning for the other sources of water at different places in our sand.
As Daniel appeared in a sandy home, momentarily I thought; like a saviour, he dug sand, there were no traces of rivulets, ponds, grasses, soil and slime anywhere in our seven villages. The entire green earth was covered under the dusty sand unevenly.
Thank God, my son ultimately discovered first a good source of water at the edge of the village. He fetched water in the evening and served drops of water to my pet bird and animals. He also served me a glass of water. I drank manna from my copper glass that he gave me in the evening.
I had a soft or light sleep under the sky on my sandy bed within my roofless sand-thatched cottage. I woke up at the call of my name, 'Samuel.'
Nothing around me was distinctly visible. A calm, whitish yellow cool light sparked momentarily. I could only feel there was God near me. He was so unclear to my poor eyesight standing beside me. I was about to speak a word to my God, but instantly, I saw a ray of light mingled into the infinite smoky light above in the sky at the morn.
God vanished. I sat silently on the dump of sand in my roofless room. Beggarly, I tried to think and relate my thought to the saintly man, the ray of light, God's appearance and God's disappearance out of my sight. I pondered a while.
After sometime, the first ray, first ever, directly a reddish-golden sun entered freely into my sand-thatched cottage room, the wonderful colour of the sunlight flooded me, my cottage and my entire world around me, and I could only feel existence of lives all around my beggar state of existence.
Soon, I heard a melodious, musical ringing sound of water that over flooded my heart and entered into my ears and bathed me with no water. The shadowy saintly man's shaded portrait flashed in my vision. I was overwhelmed with a new, bright, golden and gifted morning. I started preparing my going for a begging for serving my family and other lives.
I drank water from half of a glass. Methinks I tasted manna. I saw my son was talking with some visitors. They were talking about water. I started looking for my jute bag and begging bowls and everything that I carry for begging from door to door in the villages.
A couple of hours later, I saw clouds in many colours were flying from the north to the south of the sky; I was still searching for lives around me. The mystic sound of water was still knocking my head and heart and I was thanking my God and singing within my mind on my way to the first door of my begging on the new land of sand.
I started walking barefoot.
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Just some grammar edits if you want the;)
"Daniel would be the President of our country," a few villagers shouted.
A red-faced, madly, old beggar villager from a nearby village clamoured and said, "Beggar Samuel's son Daniel? A First Citizen of our country? No, never, in God we trust." He left the crowd running and jumping. The golden sun was setting quietly. A few people shouted saying, "Danny is a discoverer and life saver today."
Many people were seen so happy at the discovery of water. The crowd began to cheer. They were happy with the discovery of a source of water in their green village land turned into a sandy village land overnight. They were blessing their village boy, a literary scholar, national civil service qualified, doctorate scholar engineer for the discovery. People from different places and the villages of our State were watching and thinking of their lives at the eastern edge of the Rainbow Village.
Daniel, my son, is a discoverer of water in the newly created sands. He deserves to be president of the country, people believe. Today, he has done a great, humane job; he has saved lives of the dwellers of the seven villages over the land of sand.
I am grateful to God; my first and only son was born after fourteen years of my marriage at my thirty-third year of age. I remember the day; he was born at the dead end of the night on my fourteenth marriage anniversary at my birth place in our ancestral village.
O my, begging is my profession today. I am grateful to God for my son is a gifted all time scholarship holder, first class Master of Hydro Engineering, and an author. He is going to join the national civil service cadre in our capital city of the country.
God takes tests of man in summer. Last night, Nature turned violent and changed her course of activity all on a sudden. Our aggro-based village was very close to a semi-desert land of our State. There are many green villages on the exterior part of our state desert land. Of about three hundred villages, our seven villages had fertile, cultivable, green watery land surrounded by a semi-desert land of the state. Within a few hours, land of our villages tuned into a semi-desert land at the dead end last night.
It was Tuesday morning; I cancelled my begging for alms for the new sandy day. People already started to adapt to the new gifted land of sand.
In search of water, my son walked all along the newly laid sandy ways. His mother went on fast. She breaks her fast after worshipping God, only after serving water and sugar to Him at her prayer place at home. She has been praying to God since her childhood. She waits for her son 'Danny' and believes he will fetch water for man, birds and animals.
My father and my brothers are on their way to our town on their today's water business. Dwellers of the villages are using their political, social, economic and other resourceful connections and sources for survival.
In the newly created sand-based land, most of the birds, animals and beasts died, missing, and every living and non-living object buried under sand, and the earth of our villages was covered with sand. Many villagers left our villages, a few of them moved to other and neighbouring green villages and places on safe upland.
Assembly of our seven villages is popularly known as 'Rainbow Gram'. There are seven types of religious followers. People have started going to their gods at their religious places -- the Buddhist Temple, Synagogue, Gurudwara, Fire Temple,, Mosque and Church in sands.
I was waiting for water at my newest dilapidated half-mast cottage over new sands. At twilight in the dusk, in the eastern horizon in a dusty sandy place, I saw a shadow of a saintly, long hairy and bearded beggarly man standing and looking at my largest window dumped in sand. It appeared to me that the beggarly man was gazing at me and waiting for telling me something. Soon, he became invisible in the darkest moment at the dusk within the period of the fall of the evening.
Silence reveals truth; I started to ponder about the man. Being a real beggar, I failed to think and find out any factual relation in the invisible beggarly saint, the moment, the situation, and the uneven new sands.
I tried hard to sleep, on my sandy bed on the sand within the thatched tattered sandy walls, under the open, starry and huge black and dark night.
My nap dismantled. I woke up with a pride feeling for my son and his making a discovery of a source of water. I was expecting to know about his joining date for his service to begin as a national civil servant to be posted in the capital city.
I found my boy waiting to serve me fresh drinking water in my large pure copper glass that my father-in-law pawned me along with his seven year old only daughter on our marriage day at my parental village.
Of forty pet animals and birds, most of them either died or buried under the blanket of sand, I was fortunate of seeing only a cockatoo, a cow, an ox, a buffalo and an old dog that managed to survive in the sand storm, and the rest of my pets was untraceable around my home.
My wife cried enough, first ever, since morning. She has spoken no words. My pet bird and animals turned almost mute all the hours. I thanked God for I thought they appeared to me more intelligent than an elderly, illiterate beggar like me. They have not yet complained for water, food and shelter over hours.
God continues taking our tests for living. God wants to teach us value of a drop of water. I could guess God's plan for our living.
I read the face of my son. And I realized he must have learnt the worth of a drop of water. He tried hard, not to lose a drop of water while carrying barrel-filled water all the way home first ever. He came back home after thirteen long hours. I saw him walking bare foot along and through all the dusty created ocean of sand upon the land of yellow gold space over yesterday's green earth.
Next morning, we came to know the breaking news -- discovery of water in sand. People in thousands blessed my gifted son. Today, many other people and young men have been trying since morning for the other sources of water at different places in our sand.
As Daniel appeared in a sandy home, momentarily I thought; like a saviour, he dug sand, there were no traces of rivulets, ponds, grasses, soil and slime anywhere in our seven villages. The entire green earth was covered under the dusty sand unevenly.
Thank God, my son ultimately discovered first a good source of water at the edge of the village. He fetched water in the evening and served drops of water to my pet bird and animals. He also served me a glass of water. I drank manna from my copper glass that he gave me in the evening.
I had a soft or light sleep under the sky on my sandy bed within my roofless sand-thatched cottage. I woke up at the call of my name, 'Samuel.'
Nothing around me was distinctly visible. A calm, whitish yellow cool light sparked momentarily. I could only feel there was God near me. He was so unclear to my poor eyesight standing beside me. I was about to speak a word to my God, but instantly, I saw a ray of light mingled into the infinite smoky light above in the sky at the morn.
God vanished. I sat silently on the dump of sand in my roofless room. Beggarly, I tried to think and relate my thought to the saintly man, the ray of light, God's appearance and God's disappearance out of my sight. I pondered a while.
After sometime, the first ray, first ever, directly a reddish-golden sun entered freely into my sand-thatched cottage room, the wonderful colour of the sunlight flooded me, my cottage and my entire world around me, and I could only feel existence of lives all around my beggar state of existence.
Soon, I heard a melodious, musical ringing sound of water that over flooded my heart and entered into my ears and bathed me with no water. The shadowy saintly man's shaded portrait flashed in my vision. I was overwhelmed with a new, bright, golden and gifted morning. I started preparing my going for a begging for serving my family and other lives.
I drank water from half of a glass. Methinks I tasted manna. I saw my son was talking with some visitors. They were talking about water. I started looking for my jute bag and begging bowls and everything that I carry for begging from door to door in the villages.
A couple of hours later, I saw clouds in many colours were flying from the north to the south of the sky; I was still searching for lives around me. The mystic sound of water was still knocking my head and heart and I was thanking my God and singing within my mind on my way to the first door of my begging on the new land of sand.
I started walking barefoot.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
Comment from Janilou
An interesting story.
Notes:
"Daniel would be the President of our country," few villagers shouted.
a few villagers?
I am grateful to God; my first and only son was born after fourteen years of my marriage at my thirty-third year of age. I remember the day; he was born at the dead end of the night on my 14th marriage anniversary at my birth place in our ancestral village.
Because you spell out the number in the first sentence, I strongly suggest you spell out the number in the second sentence also.
So it would read:
I am grateful to God; my first and only son was born after fourteen years of my marriage at my thirty-third year of age. I remember the day; he was born at the dead end of the night on my fourteenth marriage anniversary at my birth place in our ancestral village.
I woke up at the call of my name 'Samuel'.
Add a comma and move the period back one space.
I woke up at the call of my name, 'Samuel.'
(A) Daniel appeared in a sandy home, momentarily I thought; like a saviour, he (dag) sand, there were no traces of rivulets, ponds, grasses, soil and slime anywhere in our seven villages, as the entire green earth was covered under the dusty sand unevenly.
A very long sentence here. Also dag or dug?
A or As?
Suggest:
As Daniel appeared in a sandy home, momentarily I thought; like a saviour, he dug sand, there were no traces of rivulets, ponds, grasses, soil and slime anywhere in our seven villages. The entire green earth was covered under the dusty sand unevenly.
Hope this helps.
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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An interesting story.
Notes:
"Daniel would be the President of our country," few villagers shouted.
a few villagers?
I am grateful to God; my first and only son was born after fourteen years of my marriage at my thirty-third year of age. I remember the day; he was born at the dead end of the night on my 14th marriage anniversary at my birth place in our ancestral village.
Because you spell out the number in the first sentence, I strongly suggest you spell out the number in the second sentence also.
So it would read:
I am grateful to God; my first and only son was born after fourteen years of my marriage at my thirty-third year of age. I remember the day; he was born at the dead end of the night on my fourteenth marriage anniversary at my birth place in our ancestral village.
I woke up at the call of my name 'Samuel'.
Add a comma and move the period back one space.
I woke up at the call of my name, 'Samuel.'
(A) Daniel appeared in a sandy home, momentarily I thought; like a saviour, he (dag) sand, there were no traces of rivulets, ponds, grasses, soil and slime anywhere in our seven villages, as the entire green earth was covered under the dusty sand unevenly.
A very long sentence here. Also dag or dug?
A or As?
Suggest:
As Daniel appeared in a sandy home, momentarily I thought; like a saviour, he dug sand, there were no traces of rivulets, ponds, grasses, soil and slime anywhere in our seven villages. The entire green earth was covered under the dusty sand unevenly.
Hope this helps.
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2019
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Thank you for this helpful review.
I have edited the lines.
Thanking you once again for offering a practical suggestion.
Wishing you every success in your chosen goal in writing,
Alcreator Litt Dear
Comment from Sylvia Page
Alcreator, I found this a little difficult to piece together. There's too much to correct or is this written from an intentional perspective? I would disturb the voice if I had to offer any correction. So I believe this is a story of some simple people with a simple way of life.
Best wishes,
Sylvia
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Alcreator, I found this a little difficult to piece together. There's too much to correct or is this written from an intentional perspective? I would disturb the voice if I had to offer any correction. So I believe this is a story of some simple people with a simple way of life.
Best wishes,
Sylvia
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
Comment from jusylee72
I am going to read this a couple of times. Right now I really don't understand it. That is why I don't want to give you a low rating. Is there a hidden message? Is the Water God? Do the people ignore you and not your son? How did you get there? I will read it again and come back.
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I am going to read this a couple of times. Right now I really don't understand it. That is why I don't want to give you a low rating. Is there a hidden message? Is the Water God? Do the people ignore you and not your son? How did you get there? I will read it again and come back.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Alcreator Litt Dear,
Lovely piece of Spiritual Fiction having smooth and captivating flow throughout from the catchy beginning to the equally attractive end.
Style of Expression is LAUDABLE.
Nice Attempt, Indeed!
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Hello Alcreator Litt Dear,
Lovely piece of Spiritual Fiction having smooth and captivating flow throughout from the catchy beginning to the equally attractive end.
Style of Expression is LAUDABLE.
Nice Attempt, Indeed!
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
Comment from tfawcus
You have penned a good story here. One might almost call it a parable for our times. Few people in Western society have any real appreciation of the value of fresh water and how quickly things can change with thoughtless action.
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You have penned a good story here. One might almost call it a parable for our times. Few people in Western society have any real appreciation of the value of fresh water and how quickly things can change with thoughtless action.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2019
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
This is a very interesting style of writing, also an interesting story. A beggars son who holds a degree in engineering finds water in a dry land. Lots of contrast here. Rox
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This is a very interesting style of writing, also an interesting story. A beggars son who holds a degree in engineering finds water in a dry land. Lots of contrast here. Rox
Comment Written 04-Jul-2019
