Debt Collector
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Attempted escape"Unpaid loans can be deadly.
9 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, I somehow missed this chapter and I'm trying to make up for it with a belated review. It's quite hard to read and especially with so much violence of small children. Well written. All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Hi Misty, I somehow missed this chapter and I'm trying to make up for it with a belated review. It's quite hard to read and especially with so much violence of small children. Well written. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your belated review. Knowing you took the time to go back and read it means a lot to me. Yes, this was a hard chapter for many. The next chapter mentions Abby's bruises and nothing more. The only violence is threatening words.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it always means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Miles Connolly
Just some grammar Edits, I thought it was very well done. You've gained a new fan.
Summary
Jeff is told he can either help Bruno Bambini with his shady business or watch his family die a slow, painful death. How far will Jeff go to save the ones he loves?
Jeff has stolen a car and has been chased by the cops. He escapes from that only to be sent to another job. Jeff hears sirens in the middle of his illegal adventure. Setting the building on fire, he flees from the scene. Julie discovers an intruder in their house, which she manages to handle. Putting the pieces together, the Berryville PD are in pursuit of their suspect. Jeff was arrested and let go. He meets a mugger on the way home. After scaring off the mugger, Jeff turns towards Luigi, gun in hand. He decides to get the girls to safety before attempting such a move. Jeff is taken back to Bambini's where he's told about his final job, taking Bambini's rival hostage.
***
Bracing herself against the dryer, Julie shoves their heavy basement door closed. The shelves vibrate, several items fall to the floor. How am I going to keep him there? Seeing a basket of dirty laundry, she shoves it in front of the barrier. Now to find a way to escape.
"Mommy, Mommy," Abby screams from the adjoining room.
Julie finds George stroking her daughter's face when she squirms into the kitchen. "You leave my baby alone," she demands through gritted teeth.
George runs over and punches Julie in the nose. "Don't ever try a stunt like that again." He walks over and unties Abby's hands and feet. "It's time to have a little fun, princess." He smirks.
The child raises her legs and kicks him in the groin; he doubles over in pain. Abby pushes him backward; he stumbles across the junk scattered on the floor. Unable to regain his balance, George falls against the wall.
"Run, Abby, run," Julie yells. The young child heads for the door.
George grabs her pigtails as she darts by. "You're not going anywhere."
"Let me go, let me go," Abby yells, as she tries to break free.
"Time for George to have a little fun." He chuckles, dragging the child across the floor.
"Help me, Mommy, please help me," Abby begs, throwing her arms out towards Julie.
Precious moments of her daughter's life flash through Julie's mind as the child is being carted away. She visions holding Abby in her arms for the very first time. She then recalls Abby babbling tirelessly in her chair, food smeared across her sweet face; how her child's first word took her by surprise. Julie wasn't sure if she should hug her or scold her for saying a four-letter word. Julie then remembers Abby toddling around the house; how she'd say ut oh when she fell down. Her child's desperate cry brings her back to reality.
"Stop him, Mommy, please stop him," Abby begs.
"Please, mister, please take me instead," Julie bawls. George gives her a once over and sneers. "I'll do whatever you want, for as long as you like if you leave my baby alone," she sobs.
George turns around. "You're not my type," he replies, lugging Abby through the door.
"Help me, mommy, please, help me," the child begs.
"No, please don't hurt my sweet baby; please don't hurt my little girl," Julie sobs.
***
Jeff is holding a gun to Antonio's daughter's head. Her Daddy is to the right of him, a gun at his feet. Antonio's friend is to his left with a gun in his hand.
The small child is trembling in Jeff's arms as she continues to cry for her daddy. I wish I didn't have to do this, Jeff thinks. He then remembers Luigi's warning moments before. Wiping the sweat from his face, he leans over and whispers: "No, voy a hacerte, Dano, te lo prometo." (I'm not going to hurt you, baby, I promise.) The child continues to scream.
"I've done what you've asked, so put my daughter down," Antonio says.
Jeff glances over to find his friend motionless on the lawn, gun in hand. "Your friend needs to drop his weapon too."
"Drop the girl, or else," the friend warns as he takes aim at Jeff's head.
"Not until Antonio gets into my car."
"He's not going anywhere with you, so drop the girl before I splatter your brains across the lawn." The friend cocks his gun.
Realizing he's about to be killed, Jeff turns and shoots the friend. A bullet lodges in the center of his head, brain matter spews across the freshly cut yard.
"Salvame, Papa, por favor, salvame," (Save me Papa, please save me.) The terrified child cries.
Antonio scoops his gun off the ground. "Let my daughter go."
Jeff spins around as Antonio pulls the trigger. The bullet hits the little girl in her chest.
"No, mibebe," (No, not my baby.) Her father cries.
Lifting up his gun, Jeff pulls the trigger. A stream of bullets hits Antonio; he folds to the ground. Jeff glances down to find the child's lifeless body draped over his arm. "Not the little girl." Dropping to his knees, he begins to cry.
***
The house is completely still, except for Julie continued sobbing as she lies tied up on the cold tile floor; relentlessly praying that their horrific nightmare will end. Julie realizes her two beautiful babies are upstairs being beaten and raped, and she can't do anything to stop it.
The clock ticks down the seconds; her anxiety continues to build as horrific pictures flash through her mind. Please don't let him hurt my babies, please, she begs, trying to dismiss the gruesome images that plague her mind. "Please God, oh please send someone to rescue us," she continues through teary eyes.
Hearing pounding in the other room, Julie jumps, she then realizes someone is at their front door. This might be our only chance, she thinks as she scurries across the clutter on the floor.
"Call 911," she screams as she inches her way through the house.
She sees Rebecca's two best friends on the porch when she glances through the side window. "Shelly, Amber, call 911," she repeats as she anxiously looks towards the stairs. She wasn't sure where George is or how much he can hear.
"It looks like they're gone," Shelly says, turning towards the road.
"I hope she hasn't forgotten." Amber glances at the house again.
The two young girls step off the porch as Julie moves closer to the door. "Call for help," she screams, pounding the stained glass window with her feet.
Amber pivots around.
"What's wrong, Amber?"
"I thought I heard something."
Shelly stops and listens. "All I hear is the wind."
"I guess you're right," Amber bounces down the remaining stairs; Shelly follows behind her.
Julie bangs on the glass. The pair continues to chatter as they head towards their van. Frustrated, Julie pounds the window harder than before. The sudden impact causes her feet to go through it; small glass fragments spew across the porch. Julie pokes her head through. "Amber, Shelly, come back, please come back," she yells as she clears the remaining shards from the pane. The girls continue towards the street. "Come back, girls, please come back," Julie screams, pulling her butt across the mess.
Pain coursed through her body as tiny fragments stick into her skin. Pushing the discomfort aside, she works her way towards the porch. She just makes it to the edge of the stairs as the van drives away.
"No, don't go. Please don't leave us here, please," she sobs, watching the van fade out of sight.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" A voice asks.
She looks up to see George standing behind her in his birthday suit, fully erect. Julie shivers at the ghastly sight.
He grabs her hair and drags her through the glass. "Guess I'll have to lock you in the basement from now on."
"No, not the basement," she begs, remembering how she kicked his buddy down the steps.
"I can't leave you out here, now can I?" George scoops her up and slings her over his shoulder. Julie draws back her legs and kicks him as hard as she can.
"Your babies hit harder than you." He chuckles, recalling how aroused he got when they struggled.
She sinks her teeth into his back as she digs her nails into his skin. Tiny droplets of blood quickly appear. Julie does it again.
"The more you hurt me, the more I do to your babies," he warns.
"No, not my girls, please not my girls. I'm sorry, so, sorry. I promise I'll never do it again."
"It's too late for that," George replies as he waddles towards the kitchen. He hears pounding on the other side of the room when he steps through the door.
"Let me out you moron," Steven orders. George runs over and flings the barrier open. "What the hell happened to you?" George asks, eyeing his partner's mangled face.
"That damn bitch is what happened to me." He sneers. "It's time you learned a lesson." He jerks her off George's shoulder.
"Do what you want with her, cause I have two pretty young ladies waiting for me upstairs."
"Please don't hurt my babies, please," Julie cries.
"You have more to worry about than those damn brats," Steven says, tossing her down the stairs.
***
Characters
Jeff Donaldson, the man forced to commit crimes to save his family
Julie Donaldson, Jeff's wife
Abby, Rebecca Donaldson, Jeff and Julie's girls
Luigi Ricci, George and Steven, Bruno Bambini's goon
Bruno Bambini, kingpin.
Berryville PD
Joe, sergeant
Rachel, detective
Jerry, detective,
Sharon, ME, head of forensics
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Just some grammar Edits, I thought it was very well done. You've gained a new fan.
Summary
Jeff is told he can either help Bruno Bambini with his shady business or watch his family die a slow, painful death. How far will Jeff go to save the ones he loves?
Jeff has stolen a car and has been chased by the cops. He escapes from that only to be sent to another job. Jeff hears sirens in the middle of his illegal adventure. Setting the building on fire, he flees from the scene. Julie discovers an intruder in their house, which she manages to handle. Putting the pieces together, the Berryville PD are in pursuit of their suspect. Jeff was arrested and let go. He meets a mugger on the way home. After scaring off the mugger, Jeff turns towards Luigi, gun in hand. He decides to get the girls to safety before attempting such a move. Jeff is taken back to Bambini's where he's told about his final job, taking Bambini's rival hostage.
***
Bracing herself against the dryer, Julie shoves their heavy basement door closed. The shelves vibrate, several items fall to the floor. How am I going to keep him there? Seeing a basket of dirty laundry, she shoves it in front of the barrier. Now to find a way to escape.
"Mommy, Mommy," Abby screams from the adjoining room.
Julie finds George stroking her daughter's face when she squirms into the kitchen. "You leave my baby alone," she demands through gritted teeth.
George runs over and punches Julie in the nose. "Don't ever try a stunt like that again." He walks over and unties Abby's hands and feet. "It's time to have a little fun, princess." He smirks.
The child raises her legs and kicks him in the groin; he doubles over in pain. Abby pushes him backward; he stumbles across the junk scattered on the floor. Unable to regain his balance, George falls against the wall.
"Run, Abby, run," Julie yells. The young child heads for the door.
George grabs her pigtails as she darts by. "You're not going anywhere."
"Let me go, let me go," Abby yells, as she tries to break free.
"Time for George to have a little fun." He chuckles, dragging the child across the floor.
"Help me, Mommy, please help me," Abby begs, throwing her arms out towards Julie.
Precious moments of her daughter's life flash through Julie's mind as the child is being carted away. She visions holding Abby in her arms for the very first time. She then recalls Abby babbling tirelessly in her chair, food smeared across her sweet face; how her child's first word took her by surprise. Julie wasn't sure if she should hug her or scold her for saying a four-letter word. Julie then remembers Abby toddling around the house; how she'd say ut oh when she fell down. Her child's desperate cry brings her back to reality.
"Stop him, Mommy, please stop him," Abby begs.
"Please, mister, please take me instead," Julie bawls. George gives her a once over and sneers. "I'll do whatever you want, for as long as you like if you leave my baby alone," she sobs.
George turns around. "You're not my type," he replies, lugging Abby through the door.
"Help me, mommy, please, help me," the child begs.
"No, please don't hurt my sweet baby; please don't hurt my little girl," Julie sobs.
***
Jeff is holding a gun to Antonio's daughter's head. Her Daddy is to the right of him, a gun at his feet. Antonio's friend is to his left with a gun in his hand.
The small child is trembling in Jeff's arms as she continues to cry for her daddy. I wish I didn't have to do this, Jeff thinks. He then remembers Luigi's warning moments before. Wiping the sweat from his face, he leans over and whispers: "No, voy a hacerte, Dano, te lo prometo." (I'm not going to hurt you, baby, I promise.) The child continues to scream.
"I've done what you've asked, so put my daughter down," Antonio says.
Jeff glances over to find his friend motionless on the lawn, gun in hand. "Your friend needs to drop his weapon too."
"Drop the girl, or else," the friend warns as he takes aim at Jeff's head.
"Not until Antonio gets into my car."
"He's not going anywhere with you, so drop the girl before I splatter your brains across the lawn." The friend cocks his gun.
Realizing he's about to be killed, Jeff turns and shoots the friend. A bullet lodges in the center of his head, brain matter spews across the freshly cut yard.
"Salvame, Papa, por favor, salvame," (Save me Papa, please save me.) The terrified child cries.
Antonio scoops his gun off the ground. "Let my daughter go."
Jeff spins around as Antonio pulls the trigger. The bullet hits the little girl in her chest.
"No, mibebe," (No, not my baby.) Her father cries.
Lifting up his gun, Jeff pulls the trigger. A stream of bullets hits Antonio; he folds to the ground. Jeff glances down to find the child's lifeless body draped over his arm. "Not the little girl." Dropping to his knees, he begins to cry.
***
The house is completely still, except for Julie continued sobbing as she lies tied up on the cold tile floor; relentlessly praying that their horrific nightmare will end. Julie realizes her two beautiful babies are upstairs being beaten and raped, and she can't do anything to stop it.
The clock ticks down the seconds; her anxiety continues to build as horrific pictures flash through her mind. Please don't let him hurt my babies, please, she begs, trying to dismiss the gruesome images that plague her mind. "Please God, oh please send someone to rescue us," she continues through teary eyes.
Hearing pounding in the other room, Julie jumps, she then realizes someone is at their front door. This might be our only chance, she thinks as she scurries across the clutter on the floor.
"Call 911," she screams as she inches her way through the house.
She sees Rebecca's two best friends on the porch when she glances through the side window. "Shelly, Amber, call 911," she repeats as she anxiously looks towards the stairs. She wasn't sure where George is or how much he can hear.
"It looks like they're gone," Shelly says, turning towards the road.
"I hope she hasn't forgotten." Amber glances at the house again.
The two young girls step off the porch as Julie moves closer to the door. "Call for help," she screams, pounding the stained glass window with her feet.
Amber pivots around.
"What's wrong, Amber?"
"I thought I heard something."
Shelly stops and listens. "All I hear is the wind."
"I guess you're right," Amber bounces down the remaining stairs; Shelly follows behind her.
Julie bangs on the glass. The pair continues to chatter as they head towards their van. Frustrated, Julie pounds the window harder than before. The sudden impact causes her feet to go through it; small glass fragments spew across the porch. Julie pokes her head through. "Amber, Shelly, come back, please come back," she yells as she clears the remaining shards from the pane. The girls continue towards the street. "Come back, girls, please come back," Julie screams, pulling her butt across the mess.
Pain coursed through her body as tiny fragments stick into her skin. Pushing the discomfort aside, she works her way towards the porch. She just makes it to the edge of the stairs as the van drives away.
"No, don't go. Please don't leave us here, please," she sobs, watching the van fade out of sight.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" A voice asks.
She looks up to see George standing behind her in his birthday suit, fully erect. Julie shivers at the ghastly sight.
He grabs her hair and drags her through the glass. "Guess I'll have to lock you in the basement from now on."
"No, not the basement," she begs, remembering how she kicked his buddy down the steps.
"I can't leave you out here, now can I?" George scoops her up and slings her over his shoulder. Julie draws back her legs and kicks him as hard as she can.
"Your babies hit harder than you." He chuckles, recalling how aroused he got when they struggled.
She sinks her teeth into his back as she digs her nails into his skin. Tiny droplets of blood quickly appear. Julie does it again.
"The more you hurt me, the more I do to your babies," he warns.
"No, not my girls, please not my girls. I'm sorry, so, sorry. I promise I'll never do it again."
"It's too late for that," George replies as he waddles towards the kitchen. He hears pounding on the other side of the room when he steps through the door.
"Let me out you moron," Steven orders. George runs over and flings the barrier open. "What the hell happened to you?" George asks, eyeing his partner's mangled face.
"That damn bitch is what happened to me." He sneers. "It's time you learned a lesson." He jerks her off George's shoulder.
"Do what you want with her, cause I have two pretty young ladies waiting for me upstairs."
"Please don't hurt my babies, please," Julie cries.
"You have more to worry about than those damn brats," Steven says, tossing her down the stairs.
***
Characters
Jeff Donaldson, the man forced to commit crimes to save his family
Julie Donaldson, Jeff's wife
Abby, Rebecca Donaldson, Jeff and Julie's girls
Luigi Ricci, George and Steven, Bruno Bambini's goon
Bruno Bambini, kingpin.
Berryville PD
Joe, sergeant
Rachel, detective
Jerry, detective,
Sharon, ME, head of forensics
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I will check my grammar again. Thank you for pointing that out.
Thank you again for reading my chapter, and for becoming my fan, I'm honored, take care.
Comment from Earl Corp
This is kind of rough to read, with rape of the little girls and the shooting of another. You probably should put warnings for sexual and violent content. Some people would ding you on your ratings without it. You also might want to put George in the cast of characters.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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This is kind of rough to read, with rape of the little girls and the shooting of another. You probably should put warnings for sexual and violent content. Some people would ding you on your ratings without it. You also might want to put George in the cast of characters.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter and for your suggestions. This is the worst chapter in the story. Which is a good thing since many found it offensive.
I thought I had put a warning on it, guess I better go check. You're right, George should be on the list.
Thank you again for your review, take care.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Misty, Owing to the extremely violent nature of the content in this chapter, I had to put it down several times and come back to it in fairness to you. Unfortunately, this sort of thing is very real in the real world and atrocities keep happening all the time... You are very brave in unfolding such a story. I applaud you.
Blessings,
Sylvia
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Misty, Owing to the extremely violent nature of the content in this chapter, I had to put it down several times and come back to it in fairness to you. Unfortunately, this sort of thing is very real in the real world and atrocities keep happening all the time... You are very brave in unfolding such a story. I applaud you.
Blessings,
Sylvia
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for such a fantastic review and for coming back to finish the chapter. It's very much appreciated. It is unfortunate that precious children are forced to live through such horror. Many dying by the hands that was suppose to protect them.
Thank you again for such a remarkable review, it's greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This was hard to read, it's so full of tragedy. But that means it's really good writing. I'm ready for someone to save the day. I want a happy ending more than anything. Can you do that for me? Puleeez? Maybe if you tell me which chapter will be safe to read, I"ll stop back then. Shudd-ddd-d-dd-er!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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This was hard to read, it's so full of tragedy. But that means it's really good writing. I'm ready for someone to save the day. I want a happy ending more than anything. Can you do that for me? Puleeez? Maybe if you tell me which chapter will be safe to read, I"ll stop back then. Shudd-ddd-d-dd-er!
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for such a fantastic review. This chapter seemed to make a lot of people, very uncomfortable. I promise the next chapter won't be so harrowing.There will be a happy ending for the Donaldsons, and for Rachel and Joe. There's only two chapters left, hope you stick with me to the end.
Thank you again for such a remarkable review, all your help, support and friendship. It means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from royowen
I must admit thiis is too much for me,I despise the hurting of children too much, this is the outer limit of my endurance. This is beyond horror I afraid. Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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I must admit thiis is too much for me,I despise the hurting of children too much, this is the outer limit of my endurance. This is beyond horror I afraid. Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your honest review. I'm sorry it pushed your tolerance to its limits. I promise there will be no more mention of children being hurt, in the remaining two chapters and the bad guys will get what they deserve. The question is by whom, how?
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me. Again, I'm sorry you found it so offensive.
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That?s OK, you needn?t apologise, Children are precious, it?s only a story, I would have continued reviewing anyway, it?s only emotion. Bless you
Comment from Alex Rosel
Another excerpt full of action. Looking at your narrative as a whole, I think there's one area which you could change to make it even better.
It slams with such force that several items fall from the shelf. -- Not an error, but something you might like to think about as you're doing this regularly. A lot of your narrative is telling the reader what happens. This puts the narrator between the action and the reader. That's usually a barrier. I think your words will have more impact if the reader feels they're in the midst of the action. In this case, if this was mine, I'd revise it to something like The shelves shudder, items toppling to the floor.
recalling how aroused he got when they struggled -- This is indicative of this kind of person. It's good observation that adds to the veracity :)
I look forward to reading further excerpts :)
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Another excerpt full of action. Looking at your narrative as a whole, I think there's one area which you could change to make it even better.
It slams with such force that several items fall from the shelf. -- Not an error, but something you might like to think about as you're doing this regularly. A lot of your narrative is telling the reader what happens. This puts the narrator between the action and the reader. That's usually a barrier. I think your words will have more impact if the reader feels they're in the midst of the action. In this case, if this was mine, I'd revise it to something like The shelves shudder, items toppling to the floor.
recalling how aroused he got when they struggled -- This is indicative of this kind of person. It's good observation that adds to the veracity :)
I look forward to reading further excerpts :)
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your helpful review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. This chapter seems to have upset a few folks. The shelves vibrate, several items fall to the floor. Show don't tell, right? I'll keep that in mind.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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Yes, show instead of tell. However, telling does have its place, you just need to get a feeling for when it's appropriate or not.
Harry Bingham, who's a big seller in Britain, suggests an 80/20% split between showing and telling.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Misty. I found the storyline to be fast moving which is important to keep the action moving. I think it is well written. The fact it is a little disturbing adds to the suspense. There is one typo I saw: "I guess your right" should be "you're right." It is down toward the last 1/3 of the text. Z
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Hi Misty. I found the storyline to be fast moving which is important to keep the action moving. I think it is well written. The fact it is a little disturbing adds to the suspense. There is one typo I saw: "I guess your right" should be "you're right." It is down toward the last 1/3 of the text. Z
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the suggestion, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
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You're welcome!
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
Oh, my. I came in late, but I'm not sure I could read much of this. It's so tragic. What's worse is that this kind of thing really happens. Ugh.
Notes:
1.) Julie's continue(d) sobbing as she (lies) tied up on the cold tile floor;
2.) "I guess (you're) right," Amber bounces down
3.) "Your (babies) hit harder than you." He chuckles,
Thanks so much!
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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MD,
Oh, my. I came in late, but I'm not sure I could read much of this. It's so tragic. What's worse is that this kind of thing really happens. Ugh.
Notes:
1.) Julie's continue(d) sobbing as she (lies) tied up on the cold tile floor;
2.) "I guess (you're) right," Amber bounces down
3.) "Your (babies) hit harder than you." He chuckles,
Thanks so much!
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review and for catching my mistakes. If it makes you feel any better, the story has a happy ending, for the Donaldsons at least.
Thank you again for reading my chapter, take care.
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Well, Lordy, Lordy. I am glad for that!!!!! haha
